Critiquer of the Month - JULY Noms, Respond by October 30th! Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in JULY.



Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

The details:

• Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of JULY. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic started' OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critiques were posted in July as well.
• Post the two examples in this thread.
• Post only the CRITIQUES.
• Make sure your examples are from the month of JULY.
• State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
• Eligible forums:
  Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations
  Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through October 30th, 2006.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

Good luck all!
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!

~ Mosaic Musings Staff

[Cleo_Serapis]

Here are my two crit examples for Merlin in July:

In Seren's Synapse, ohsteve's poem, "Fresh and Salty Water":

Hello Steve,

My strength is still the r & m sector, so my comments need to taken with that in mind.

I really like Lori's suggestion of breaking the "drips" into seperate lines, a freedom of FV over R & M. It creates an excellent visual at the same time as the audio effect.

I'm not a fan of sentence fragments, so for grammar, your sentence 2 & 3 could be incorporated into #1. That's open for debate; others will have other opinions, I'm sure. However, in your line a chipped blue and white ceramic pan., there ought to be a comma after "chipped", as it isn't the blue that's chipped - it's the ceramic pan. Therefore, I'll suggest a linebreak after chipped.

I don't know how you feel about tossing out 1 "rim" in favor of "encrusted", (The pan's rim is salt encrusted,). You begin 2 lines, fairly close to each other, with "The pan...", something to be aware of. Finally, small "m" to start the last line.

An interesting subject - I appreciate the read.

Merlin

The second (for the same tile) posted in Herme's Homilies), Psyche's poem, "The Sign":

Hi again, Psy,

This is the Wizard - a wee case of mistaken identity, but no harm cometh!

To your question, "What to do?" - the answer is simple - you're in charge so you do what you wish and damn the torpedos! You can't please everyone, so you gotta please yourself. (a quote from somewhere)

As to "instants", I caught your meaning but wasn't sure if it was just a typo or what you meant. Then again - the thought of "instant coffee" popped to mind, and other "instants". But I do like your use of it, this is poetry.

I'm curious now of the WBY poem you used to refer to. If you could post the first line, I'll find the title. There's Leda and the Swan, one of the most remarkable sonnets available; and he has Wild Swans at Coole. Remarkable stuff.

Merlin