Crows ***, FV Options

[Eisa]

This is an old one I've decided to revise again. The original can be seen in the archives here


I've taken up Sylvia's suggestion and moved the 'lunch time news' stanza from the beginning. However, I didn't put it at the end but just before the last stanza - where I had written it in the original!

Crows

Their ruckus startles --
flocking across the sky
like inkblots splattering
blue embossed paper.

The murder flurries to the lawn:
wings beat,
beaks stab,
piercing shrieks. I wince.

My dog leaps from a nap, yapping,
charges to scatter them.
Surging to poplar arms
they chatter in protest.

Silence.

Roses scent the air;
where grass fringes their bed
my pooch noses the prostrate victim,
still alive, bloodied neck, pecked.
I hotfoot for my mobile.

An avian ambulance arrives,
carries away the listless pigeon
in a cardboard box stretcher;
life’s pendulum swings.

Radio One Lunch-time News:
A gang'’s frenzied attack
leaves a lone passer-by with critical injuries
in Intensive Care.

kraa-kraa-kraa
Crows taunt from a sycamore --
wood pigeons perch in a wing-to-wing line,
prattling on next-door’s roof.
ru-hoo ru ru-hoo

[Psyche]

Hi Eisa,
First read for me, so I won't peek in the archives and perhaps get all the answers to my doubts... and then what? LOL...

This is an old one I've decided to revise again. The original can be seen in the archives here



Crows

Radio One Lunch-time News:
A gang’s frenzied attack
leaves a lone passer-by with critical injuries
in Intensive Care. <<<<<< I suppose this is a British radio reporting a gang attacking a person? Did it inspire you to write about the crows? I may be mistaken, but didn't a flock of birds very recently invade London city and cause some sort of havoc? I'm sure I read it but perhaps should do a Google check...LOL..


Their ruckus startles -- <<<<<< Why two -- ? OK with me, just never saw that before!

flocking across the sky
black inkblots splatter
blue embossed paper.<<<<<<< Great stanza, love it!

The murder flurries to the lawn: <<<<<< How can a

murder

flurry to the lawn? I must be dim, but seems to me murder needs a qualifier? Or murderers flurry? Dunno...

wings beat,
beaks stab,
piercing shrieks. I wince. <<<<Ouch, so do I!! Nature can be cruel...

I don't grasp the change from an interior scenario in the former stanza, to an event in your garden, described in the next S. Were you writing on blue embossed paper out in your garden? Mmmm...


My dog leaps from a nap, yapping,
charges to scatter them. <<<<<

them

means

the murder

? I'm still confused with the tense, because of your use of murder in the other S. Can murder signify a group, or gang, or mob? Sorry, my English must be rusty

Surging to poplar arms <<<<<Maybe another word for surging? Do crows surge? LOL...

they chatter in protest.

Silence hangs. <<<< Maybe italics to emphasise the sudden change from chatter?

Roses scent the air;
where grass fringes their bed
my pooch noses the prostrate victim,
still alive, bloodied neck, pecked.
I hotfoot for my mobile. <<<<<I love this S, especially the last L.


An avian ambulance arrives, <<<<<nice alliteration

carries away the listless pigeon
in a cardboard box stretcher;
life’s pendulum swings.

Do you really have avian ambulances in Britain? Sounds wonderful, and the whole S is deftly crafted, especially the last L.


kraa-kraa-kraa
Crows taunt from a sycamore --
wood pigeons perch in a wing-to-wing line,
prattling on next-door’s roof.
ru-hoo ru ru-hoo

I like your onomatopoeias, as well as the contrast between the birds' attitudes.
Here again, we have noise. Thinking it over, maybe I didn't grasp your subtle antropomorphism, as the crows/pigeons behave in a human way, going from noise to silence, then finishing up with a good rowdy argument after the whole event.
I think all this may have been included in former crits, or somesuch comments, but I shall refrain from looking because I don't want to go to bed feeling like a dolt...LOL...
This poem is very much alive, a gruesome view of reality in two worlds. That is, if we really are any different from nature. Reminds me of a book by Llyall Watson called Dark Nature... wow...The good character in your poem is your doggy!

A very moving piece.

Hugs, Syl***

[Alan]

Dear Eisa,

My tiny contribution is that a collective of crows IS a "murder" !

Love
Alan

[Eisa]

Hi Eisa,
First read for me, so I won't peek in the archives and perhaps get all the answers to my doubts... and then what? LOL...

Hi Syl, I'm so pleased to see you in my thread and look forward to reading your comments.

This is an old one I've decided to revise again. The original can be seen in the archives here



Crows

Radio One Lunch-time News:
A gang’s frenzied attack
leaves a lone passer-by with critical injuries
in Intensive Care. <<<<<< I suppose this is a British radio reporting a gang attacking a person? Did it inspire you to write about the crows? I may be mistaken, but didn't a flock of birds very recently invade London city and cause some sort of havoc? I'm sure I read it but perhaps should do a Google check...LOL..


I did have this beginning stanza as the last but one stanza at one time and I've even wondered whether I should miss it out (perhaps it complicate the poem?)
It didn't inspire me to write the poem, but was an after thought that humans and birds do have similarities.
Birds creating havoc - makes me think of the Alfred Hitchcock film!

It was actually hearing the ruckus crows and finding the injured pigeon that inspired me to write this.

Their ruckus startles -- <<<<<< Why two -- ? OK with me, just never saw that before!

I always wrote with 2 years ago - don't even know why.

flocking across the sky
black inkblots splatter
blue embossed paper.<<<<<<< Great stanza, love it!

The murder flurries to the lawn: <<<<<< How can a

murder

flurry to the lawn? I must be dim, but seems to me murder needs a qualifier? Or murderers flurry? Dunno...

I group of crows is known as a murder - just right, I thought.

wings beat,
beaks stab,
piercing shrieks. I wince. <<<<Ouch, so do I!! Nature can be cruel...

I don't grasp the change from an interior scenario in the former stanza, to an event in your garden, described in the next S. Were you writing on blue embossed paper out in your garden? Mmmm...

I missed one important word out in revision. It should read:

flocking across the sky
like black inkblots splattering
blue embossed paper.

I'm comparing the crows to black inkblots splattering blue embossed paper.
I'll go and add the like now.


My dog leaps from a nap, yapping,
charges to scatter them. <<<<<

them

means

the murder

? I'm still confused with the tense, because of your use of murder in the other S. Can murder signify a group, or gang, or mob? Sorry, my English must be rusty

You got it, Syl the group/gang!

Surging to poplar arms <<<<<Maybe another word for surging? Do crows surge? LOL...

I remember trying to find another word for fly/wing and found surge in a dictionary.
they chatter in protest.

Silence hangs. <<<< Maybe italics to emphasise the sudden change from chatter?

Good idea - I'll change that.

Roses scent the air;
where grass fringes their bed
my pooch noses the prostrate victim,
still alive, bloodied neck, pecked.
I hotfoot for my mobile. <<<<<I love this S, especially the last L.


An avian ambulance arrives, <<<<<nice alliteration

carries away the listless pigeon
in a cardboard box stretcher;
life’s pendulum swings.

Do you really have avian ambulances in Britain? Sounds wonderful, and the whole S is deftly crafted, especially the last L.

Various animal rescue groups collect injured creatures in vans. I know a reptile rescue that calls their van the ambulance, so I thought - why not an avian ambulance. LOL!

kraa-kraa-kraa
Crows taunt from a sycamore --
wood pigeons perch in a wing-to-wing line,
prattling on next-door’s roof.
ru-hoo ru ru-hoo

I like your onomatopoeias, as well as the contrast between the birds' attitudes.
Here again, we have noise. Thinking it over, maybe I didn't grasp your subtle antropomorphism, as the crows/pigeons behave in a human way, going from noise to silence, then finishing up with a good rowdy argument after the whole event.

You've got it Syl! Not so different from human gangs (or so I imagined)

I think all this may have been included in former crits, or somesuch comments, but I shall refrain from looking because I don't want to go to bed feeling like a dolt...LOL...
This poem is very much alive, a gruesome view of reality in two worlds. That is, if we really are any different from nature. Reminds me of a book by Llyall Watson called Dark Nature... wow...The good character in your poem is your doggy!
Yes, Max saves the day again! LOL!
A very moving piece.

Hugs, Syl***

Thanks Syl - I'll make a few tweaks now
Snow

[Eisa]

Dear Eisa,

My tiny contribution is that a collective of crows IS a "murder" !

Love
Alan

Thanks Alan - you are quite right!

Love
Snow

[Arnfinn]

G'day Snow

The double meaning stands out.

I also was aware of the collective noun 'murder' which fits into the scene so well.

A clever use of words that produces the desired effect for the unfolding drama.

A finished product I think.

Good read

Regards,

John

[JustDaniel]

I agree with John, Snow... particularly now that you've added the missing "like".

I'd been here a couple of times but did not leave a comment, specifically because I was confused by that line. It just didn't seem to fit, so I didn't want to seem ignorant. The other question I had was already answered by my second visit, since Alan educated this reader. I'd never heard anyone use 'murder' in reference to crows before, and a couple of dictionaries didn't even mention its use, but I've since found it in others. And I agree that the double impression is perfect in the context of your poem!

deLighting in your writing, Daniel

[Maureen]

I love it - being very well based in murderous crows behaviour your poem resonated with me. Having stood watch many a day to protect our new born lambs and ewes giving birth I know what those nasty little black b's get up to . Good dog to chase them off. A gangs frenzied attack indeed - thank you for a well written and enjoyable read.

Cheers

Maureen
The Scribbly Bark Poet

[Eisa]

G'day Snow

The double meaning stands out.

I also was aware of the collective noun 'murder' which fits into the scene so well.

A clever use of words that produces the desired effect for the unfolding drama.

A finished product I think.

Good read

Regards,

John

Thanks John - great to see you here.

Snow

[Eisa]

I agree with John, Snow... particularly now that you've added the missing "like".

I'd been here a couple of times but did not leave a comment, specifically because I was confused by that line. It just didn't seem to fit, so I didn't want to seem ignorant. The other question I had was already answered by my second visit, since Alan educated this reader. I'd never heard anyone use 'murder' in reference to crows before, and a couple of dictionaries didn't even mention its use, but I've since found it in others. And I agree that the double impression is perfect in the context of your poem!

deLighting in your writing, Daniel

Hi Daniel

Yes it's surprising how one little word can make such difference to the context.

I wasn't sure about murder and lie you had to search the dictionaries to find this meaning.

So glad this has all come together!

Snow

[Eisa]

I love it - being very well based in murderous crows behaviour your poem resonated with me. Having stood watch many a day to protect our new born lambs and ewes giving birth I know what those nasty little black b's get up to . Good dog to chase them off. A gangs frenzied attack indeed - thank you for a well written and enjoyable read.

Cheers

Maureen
The Scribbly Bark Poet

Hi Maureen,

Yes, this poem actually happened in my garden and I have another poem somewhere in the archives about a group of crows chasing a crane/heron - again witnessed this from my garden. They are nasty birds. Yes, my dog hates crows and magpies yet he seems to tolerate the smaller birds - sparrows & blue-tits.

Thank you!
Snow

[Psyche]

Hi Eisa,
First read for me, so I won't peek in the archives and perhaps get all the answers to my doubts... and then what? LOL...

Hi Syl, I'm so pleased to see you in my thread and look forward to reading your comments.

Yep! I'm also pleased to be interacting once again

This is an old one I've decided to revise again. The original can be seen in the archives here



Crows

Radio One Lunch-time News:
A gang’s frenzied attack
leaves a lone passer-by with critical injuries
in Intensive Care. <<<<<< I suppose this is a British radio reporting a gang attacking a person? Did it inspire you to write about the crows? I may be mistaken, but didn't a flock of birds very recently invade London city and cause some sort of havoc? I'm sure I read it but perhaps should do a Google check...LOL..


I did have this beginning stanza as the last but one stanza at one time and I've even wondered whether I should miss it out (perhaps it complicate the poem?)
It didn't inspire me to write the poem, but was an after thought that humans and birds do have similarities.
Birds creating havoc - makes me think of the Alfred Hitchcock film!

I've never forgotten that movie! BTW, I read that it's parakeets that have multiplied in London's parks, and that they injure other birds. We also have green parakeets in Buenos Aires' parks. Their screeching is awful at times, but this is a temperate area. Large pigeons also multiply horribly. It used to be fun to feed them in the proper places, such as paved plazas, but now they perch on my balcony. Their droppings are dangerous when they dry and pollute the air, so that one can breathe in bad bacteria. I had to ask my neighbour not to feed them on her balcony. Fortunately, she understood and it's better now.

IMO, if you put the radio bit at the end, it doesn't make the reader think you were inspited by that news. It makes it interesting and original.




It was actually hearing the ruckus crows and finding the injured pigeon that inspired me to write this.

Their ruckus startles -- <<<<<< Why two -- ? OK with me, just never saw that before!

I always wrote with 2 years ago - don't even know why.

flocking across the sky
black inkblots splatter
blue embossed paper.<<<<<<< Great stanza, love it!

The murder flurries to the lawn: <<<<<< How can a

murder

flurry to the lawn? I must be dim, but seems to me murder needs a qualifier? Or murderers flurry? Dunno...

I group of crows is known as a murder - just right, I
thought.

Murder was not one of the blanks we had to fill in at school, those about herds, flocks, gaggles, etc.! I also had trouble finding that usage in the dictionary. Not in my Oxford nor my Simon & Schuster, but I did find it eventually online by following a link after murder, which took me to flock and finally murder for crows...LOL...Never too late to learn, thanks
Could it be an idiomatic word, such as when an ending "drops off" ? Can't find my dictionary of idioms and idiomatic phrases...aargh!!


wings beat,
beaks stab,
piercing shrieks. I wince. <<<<Ouch, so do I!! Nature can be cruel...

I don't grasp the change from an interior scenario in the former stanza, to an event in your garden, described in the next S. Were you writing on blue embossed paper out in your garden? Mmmm...

I missed one important word out in revision. It should read:

flocking across the sky
like black inkblots splattering
blue embossed paper. <<<<< OK!!

I'm comparing the crows to black inkblots splattering blue embossed paper.
I'll go and add the like now.


My dog leaps from a nap, yapping,
charges to scatter them. <<<<<

them

means

the murder

? I'm still confused with the tense, because of your use of murder in the other S. Can murder signify a group, or gang, or mob? Sorry, my English must be rusty

You got it, Syl the group/gang!

I keep learning from you. My question now is whether in 'charges to scatter them', one could also say 'scatter it', since murder is the last noun? Just asking, I realise it's a collective noun.



Surging to poplar arms <<<<<Maybe another word for surging? Do crows surge? LOL...

I remember trying to find another word for fly/wing and found surge in a dictionary.
they chatter in protest.

Silence hangs. <<<< Maybe italics to emphasise the sudden change from chatter?

Good idea - I'll change that.

Roses scent the air;
where grass fringes their bed
my pooch noses the prostrate victim,
still alive, bloodied neck, pecked.
I hotfoot for my mobile. <<<<<I love this S, especially the last L.


An avian ambulance arrives, <<<<<nice alliteration

carries away the listless pigeon
in a cardboard box stretcher;
life’s pendulum swings.

Do you really have avian ambulances in Britain? Sounds wonderful, and the whole S is deftly crafted, especially the last L.

Various animal rescue groups collect injured creatures in vans. I know a reptile rescue that calls their van the ambulance, so I thought - why not an avian ambulance. LOL!

Wonderful idea, to call the van an ambulance. Come to think of it, most vets do have vans here, either for emergencies or just taking a pet to be bathed, etc. But we have to pay for that service. Municipal vans are usually for taking strays to be gassed


kraa-kraa-kraa
Crows taunt from a sycamore --
wood pigeons perch in a wing-to-wing line,
prattling on next-door’s roof.
ru-hoo ru ru-hoo

I like your onomatopoeias, as well as the contrast between the birds' attitudes.
Here again, we have noise. Thinking it over, maybe I didn't grasp your subtle antropomorphism, as the crows/pigeons behave in a human way, going from noise to silence, then finishing up with a good rowdy argument after the whole event.

You've got it Syl! Not so different from human gangs (or so I imagined) [b]Quite so, you're right. Always the goodies and the badies and the so-so's...LOL.


I think all this may have been included in former crits, or somesuch comments, but I shall refrain from looking because I don't want to go to bed feeling like a dolt...LOL...
This poem is very much alive, a gruesome view of reality in two worlds. That is, if we really are any different from nature. Reminds me of a book by Llyall Watson called Dark Nature... wow...The good character in your poem is your doggy!
Yes, Max saves the day again! LOL!

Hey, Snow, you're also a good character in the poem! Sorry there


A very moving piece.

Hugs, Syl***

[/b]

Thanks Syl - I'll make a few tweaks now
Snow

I love your poem, it's highly original and full of movement. I think it's beautifully polished now. Perhaps, when I have the time, I'll click on the link and see how it developed from way back! Not now...

[Eisa]

Hello again Syl,

I am thinking on putting the first stanza at the end - it might work out well.

Also your suggestion on whether in 'charges to scatter them', one could also say 'scatter it' -yes that makes sense - charges to scatter the murder.

Thanks for passing on your thoughts, Syl.

Hugs
Snow

[Eisa]

I've moved the first stanza to just before the last stanza - where I had it originally.

Snow