The Iceberg and the Volcano [revised 3 May], Monotetra [ repost from 2003 for a fresh look ] Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

This poem is one from our archives forum having been penned in 2003. I'd like to receive fresh crits as there are a few lines I still think can be improved. The original thread can be found at this link.
~Cleo


First revision - thanks everyone!

The Iceberg and the Volcano

Iceberg

She loves to swim by midnight moon
on starless nights to view Neptune.
Her niche atop the highest dune
is crystal hewn, is crystal hewn.

The frigid past lives on in her;
she dons a shielded, pallid spur.
An arctic mass, she likes to stir
the roots that were, the roots that were.

She breaks from glacier, roaming free
and proudly glows with face of glee.
Her girth’s submerged so none can see
in respite's sea, in respite's sea.

Volcano

He loves to breathe a fiery tongue
and spew a lace of ashen dung.
Palacial magma’s inked in sun;
its lava sprung, it’s lava-sprung.

The dragon's lair's engorged with gas -
his sulfur stench will soon be passed.
He wears a shield of molten mass
that yearns to blast, that yearns to blast.

He breaks through mountain's oozing vent
and paints the earth with scorching dent.
His girth’s submerged in Nature's tent -
a restless gent, a restless gent.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter


Original:
The Iceberg and the Volcano

Iceberg

She loves to swim by midnight moon
on starless nights, to view Neptune.
Her place atop the highest dune
is crystal hewn, is crystal hewn.

The ice of past lives on in her,
she wears a shielded pallid spur.
An arctic mass, she likes to stir
the roots that were, the roots that were.

She breaks from glacier roaming free,
and proudly shines a face of glee.
Her girth submerged from all to see,
in frozen sea, in frozen sea.

Volcano

He loves to breathe a fire's tongue
and spread a lace of ashen dung.
His place of magma inked in sun
is lava sprung, is lava sprung.

The dragon's lair is crammed with gas,
his sulfur stench, he soon will pass.
He wears a shield of molten mass
that yearns to last, that yearns to last.

He breaks from mountain's oozing vent
and colors earth with scorching dent.
His girth submerged in Nature's tent,
unkindly gent, unkindly gent.

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: May 3 07, 07:26

Reason for edit: Second Revision (frozen to respite's)

[AMETHYST]

Hey Lori,

This is a wonderful poem. I've printed it out to take a longer look and make some notes, but the rhythm and rhymes are music to my ear ... sort of like a romance between two vastly different entities of nature.

I'll be back soon.... LOVE THIS!

Hugs, Liz

[JustDaniel]

It's music to mine too, Lori...

but I must admit I had to go back and review Monotetra in Karnak and do a bit of review writing in the form before I could come back and visit your piece! I don't believe I'd seen in back in 2003, and I can recall when I tried my hand on them. I'll have to check my computer when I get home.

To me, this piece is hot off the press, coming to an ice-cold memory!

I love the contrast and comparison in these, Lori... so please let me play with them along with you to see what might come of it:

The Iceberg and the Volcano

Iceberg

She loves to swim by midnight moon
on starless nights, to view Neptune.
Her place atop the highest dune
is crystal hewn, is crystal hewn.

The ice of past lives on in her[;] (,)
she wears a shielded pallid spur.
An arctic mass, she likes to stir
the roots that were, the roots that were.

She breaks from glacier[,] roaming free (,)
and proudly shines a face of glee.
Her girth's submerged from all to so none can see,
in frozen sea, in frozen sea.

Volcano

He loves to breathe a fire's fiery tongue
and spread a lace of ashen dung.
His place of Palacial magma's inked in sun
its lava sprung, it's lava[-]sprung.

The dragon's lair is crammed gorged with gas[—] (,)
his sulfur stench(,) he soon will pass.
He wears a shield[—] of molten mass
that yearns to last, that yearns to last.

He breaks from through mountain's oozing vent
and colors paints the earth with a scorching dent.
His girth's submerged in Nature's tent[—] (,)
unkindly gent, unkindly gent.

Lightly spinning your contrasts, Daniel

[Eisa]

Wow! This is good Lori. I don't know if I have enough time to do it justice now, but here are my initial thoughts ~

The Iceberg and the Volcano

Iceberg

She loves to swim by midnight moon
on starless nights, to view Neptune.
Her place atop the highest dune
is crystal hewn, is crystal hewn.

The ice of past lives on in her,
she wears a shielded pallid spur.
An arctic mass, she likes to stir
the roots that were, the roots that were.

She breaks from glacier roaming free,
and proudly shines [a]with face of glee.
Her girth's submerged [from all to] so none can see,
in frozen sea, in frozen sea.




Volcano

He loves to breathe a [fire's] fiery tongue
and spread a lace of ashen dung.
His [place of] magma place is inked in sun
is lava sprung, is lava sprung.

The dragon's lair's engorged with gas,
his sulfur stench, [he soon] will shortly pass.
He [wears] dons a shield of molten mass
that yearns to last, that yearns to last.

He breaks from mountain's oozing vent
and colors earth with scorching dent.
His girth's submerged in Nature's tent,
unkindly gent, unkindly gent.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter

There are many 'he' and 'his' words -- perhaps you could write a different way to get rid of some. Good luck -- I've tried this with my own work -- it's no easy task.


I'll be back to give this a second look.

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hi Lori,

The concept of the poem and the vast differences between the two stanzas brings to mind a love affair between two totally different entities, such as the sun and moon, a man and woman being kept from one another by forces too strong and too large to overcome ... this is what it reminded me, and their passions.

The form is quite new to me and I love the sonics it offers. so lovely, especially with the lyrical 4th line of each stanza.

Some inline thoughts to follow, I hope I leave something that will be helpful! Beautiful poem!

Hugs, Liz

The Iceberg and the Volcano

Good title. Simple. Fitting.

Iceberg

She loves to swim by midnight moon
on starless nights, to view Neptune.
Her place atop the highest dune
is crystal hewn, is crystal hewn.

The introducing image is wonderful, as I mentioned, I love the personification of each-'she loves to swim ...' this first stanza leads us to believe she is human, and we can relate to her love of the moon lit nights and the romance of an midnight sky. The end rhymes, to me, are fresh. You have made good use of rarely combined rhymes which add flavor to the poem. Not a nit here...

The ice of past lives on in her,
she wears a shielded pallid spur.
An arctic mass, she likes to stir
the roots that were, the roots that were.

L1 feels clumsy. Perhaps ...

Ice years of past lives, live in her,

again, good strong and fresh end rhymes.


She breaks from glacier roaming free,
and proudly shines a face of glee.
Her girth submerged from all to see,
in frozen sea, in frozen sea.

L2/L3, I like Snow's suggestion of 'with face of glee' and
perhaps no one can see,


Volcano

He loves to breathe a fire's tongue
and spread a lace of ashen dung.
His place of magma inked in sun
is lava sprung, is lava sprung.

Nice.

The dragon's lair is crammed with gas,
his sulfur stench, he soon will pass.
He wears a shield of molten mass
that yearns to last, that yearns to last.

perhaps for the final line, 'that yearns to blast, ....

He breaks from mountain's oozing vent
and colors earth with scorching dent.
His girth submerged in Nature's tent,
unkindly gent, unkindly gent.

Perhaps something else besides 'unkindly-' maybe ...

A restless gent, a restless gent

To onset the restlessness of wanting to break loose and live
'he loves' so this might connect is unpredictability.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter

Not much to nit here, this is wonderful poetry. Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I'm going to try this again! I spent about 30 min so far and my electricity goes out just long enough to shut down my computer! I hope I remember what I was doing.

I like both of these Lori! The second one really had me going with that second verse. What images! LOL A few suggestions for you to consider... use or lose as always!

Cathy

Iceberg

She loves to swim by midnight moon
on starless nights, to view Neptune.
Her place atop the highest dune I think that 'place' could be more descriptive. Something like 'throne' or 'niche'?
is crystal hewn, is crystal hewn.

The ice of[frigid] past lives on in her,
she wears a shielded pallid spur.

creates a shielded pallid spur OR
creating shielded pallid spur

An arctic mass, she likes to stir
the roots that were, the roots that were.

She breaks from glacier roaming free,
and proudly shines a face of glee. 'glows with face of glee' for added alliteration?
Her girth submerged from all to see, 'so none can see'...
in frozen sea, in frozen sea.

Volcano

He loves to breathe a[with] fire's tongue
and spread a lace of ashen dung. I just can't connect 'lace' with 'dung'! LOL I also think 'spew' might be a stronger word than 'spread' especially since you're referring to a volcano. Hey! What about 'and spew a storm of ashen dung'? LOL
His place of magma inked in sun As above, I think 'place' could be more descriptive.
is lava sprung, is lava sprung.

The dragon's lair is crammed[enraged] with gas{,}
his[and] sulfur stench, he soon will pass. 'will soon be passed.'
He wears a shield of molten mass
that yearns to (b)last, that yearns to (b)last. This gives all 4 lines a near rhyme and lines 2 & 4 a perfect rhyme. This verse gave me a major chuckle! LOL

He breaks from mountain's oozing vent
and colors earth with scorching dent.
His girth submerged in Nature's tent,
unkindly gent, unkindly gent. What about 'jumpy' or 'high-strung'. Or maybe 'fickle' or 'capricious' to show his unpredictability?

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey Lori,

This is a wonderful poem. I've printed it out to take a longer look and make some notes, but the rhythm and rhymes are music to my ear ... sort of like a romance between two vastly different entities of nature.

I'll be back soon.... LOVE THIS!

Hugs, Liz

Hey Liz.

Thanks very much! I look forward to your return!

~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Daniel, Liz, Snow and Cathy.

I'm at work but saw your critiques just now and wanted to let you know I've been here. I'll be back again when I'm at home to reply to you each individually.

Thanks for being patient with me!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Daniel.

I had to go back to the params as well as this is the only one I've written so far (or one of very few).

It's music to mine too, Lori...

but I must admit I had to go back and review Monotetra in Karnak and do a bit of review writing in the form before I could come back and visit your piece! I don't believe I'd seen in back in 2003, and I can recall when I tried my hand on them. I'll have to check my computer when I get home.

To me, this piece is hot off the press, coming to an ice-cold memory!
I love the contrast and comparison in these, Lori... so please let me play with them along with you to see what might come of it:

The ice of past lives on in her[;] (,)
she wears a shielded pallid spur.
An arctic mass, she likes to stir
the roots that were, the roots that were.
Yes, I thought I should have a semi-colon there in L1. Do you think a comma is required after 'shielded'?

She breaks from glacier[,] roaming free (,)
and proudly shines a face of glee.
Her girth's submerged from all to so none can see,
in frozen sea, in frozen sea.
Yes, I like the changes in L3 - so none can see - TY!


He loves to breathe a fire's fiery tongue
and spread a lace of ashen dung.
His place of Palacial magma's inked in sun
its lava sprung, it's lava[-]sprung.
Now, that's an interesting suggestion Daniel - Palacial magma - I'll think on that one more. I'm not certain that 'fiery' has the right meter though?

The dragon's lair is crammed gorged with gas[—] (,)
his sulfur stench(,) he soon will pass.
He wears a shield[—] of molten mass
that yearns to last, that yearns to last.
Gorged with gas adds alliteration - I like that suggestion! TY! In L3 though, if I ditch 'of' I need a replacement beat.

He breaks from through mountain's oozing vent
and colors paints the earth with a scorching dent.
His girth's submerged in Nature's tent[—] (,)
unkindly gent, unkindly gent.
Good suggestion in L1. Not sure on L2: and paints the earth a scorching dent? Is that grammatically correct?

Lightly spinning your contrasts, Daniel

Thanks for the spin Daniel!

Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow.

Sorry for my delay in responding! I'm sure your comments are well thought out, here we go...

Wow! This is good Lori. I don't know if I have enough time to do it justice now, but here are my initial thoughts ~

She breaks from glacier roaming free,
and proudly shines [a]with face of glee.
Her girth's submerged [from all to] so none can see,
in frozen sea, in frozen sea.
I agree with you and Daniel on L4 - in L3, I wonder though if 'face' is what I want to really say?
and proudly shines with face of glee.
I'll need to think further on that one.


He loves to breathe a [fire's] fiery tongue
and spread a lace of ashen dung.
His [place of] magma place is inked in sun
is lava sprung, is lava sprung.
You and Daniel both like 'fiery'. I'll ponder your idea for magma place - not sure that's quite the vision at the moment.

The dragon's lair's engorged with gas,
his sulfur stench, [he soon] will shortly pass.
He [wears] dons a shield of molten mass
that yearns to last, that yearns to last.
Engorged and gorged are both much better substitutes that 'crammed' so I will be using one of them in the revision. Your change in L2 is nice as well Snow. Actually, dons is good too - this stanza has promise with your ideas.

He breaks from mountain's oozing vent
and colors earth with scorching dent.
His girth's submerged in Nature's tent,
unkindly gent, unkindly gent.[/color]

There are many 'he' and 'his' words -- perhaps you could write a different way to get rid of some. Good luck -- I've tried this with my own work -- it's no easy task.
I'll be back to give this a second look.

Snow

Yes, it's hard not to personify the MC's and I'm in that rut with this oldie. I'll be pondering changes on this one and will be back with an update soon. I need another look too, LOL!

Thanks Snow
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

Yes, it was a challenge years ago to write two opposing poems and incorporate 8 specific words - when I read them, I thought of an Iceberg and a Volcano and went with it. Once you have your rhyming words picked out, it's fun to fill in the lines and watch the story progress. Yes, sun/moon - man/woman - ying/yang - you guessed it.

Hi Lori,

The concept of the poem and the vast differences between the two stanzas brings to mind a love affair between two totally different entities, such as the sun and moon, a man and woman being kept from one another by forces too strong and too large to overcome ... this is what it reminded me, and their passions.

The form is quite new to me and I love the sonics it offers. so lovely, especially with the lyrical 4th line of each stanza. Some inline thoughts to follow, I hope I leave something that will be helpful! Beautiful poem!

Hugs, Liz

The Iceberg and the Volcano
Good title. Simple. Fitting.
Thanks Liz!

She loves to swim by midnight moon
on starless nights, to view Neptune.
Her place atop the highest dune
is crystal hewn, is crystal hewn.
The introducing image is wonderful, as I mentioned, I love the personification of each-'she loves to swim ...' this first stanza leads us to believe she is human, and we can relate to her love of the moon lit nights and the romance of an midnight sky. The end rhymes, to me, are fresh. You have made good use of rarely combined rhymes which add flavor to the poem. Not a nit here...

Yes, I wanted it to feel as though the reader knows her, as a person, in her shoes, through her eyes. Yes, these words were chosen partly because they're not commonly used in poetry, LOL!

The ice of past lives on in her,
she wears a shielded pallid spur.
An arctic mass, she likes to stir
the roots that were, the roots that were.

L1 feels clumsy. Perhaps ...
Ice years of past lives, live in her,
again, good strong and fresh end rhymes.
I'll need to think on this one Liz - it's 'ice', the freeze/loneliness from years passed of memories/actions.

She breaks from glacier roaming free,
and proudly shines a face of glee.
Her girth submerged from all to see,
in frozen sea, in frozen sea.

L2/L3, I like Snow's suggestion of 'with face of glee' and
perhaps no one can see,
Good suggestions!


He loves to breathe a fire's tongue
and spread a lace of ashen dung.
His place of magma inked in sun
is lava sprung, is lava sprung.
Nice.
Thanks Liz!

The dragon's lair is crammed with gas,
his sulfur stench, he soon will pass.
He wears a shield of molten mass
that yearns to last, that yearns to last.

perhaps for the final line, 'that yearns to blast, ....
That's a strong substitute - but I want the image to be portrayed of him wanting to 'never die'.

He breaks from mountain's oozing vent
and colors earth with scorching dent.
His girth submerged in Nature's tent,
unkindly gent, unkindly gent.

Perhaps something else besides 'unkindly-' maybe ...

A restless gent, a restless gent

To onset the restlessness of wanting to break loose and live
'he loves' so this might connect is unpredictability.
Yes, that would work nicely there Liz - TY!

Not much to nit here, this is wonderful poetry. Hugs, Liz

Well, I thank you for the boost and compliment - and hope to post a revision soon.

Cheers Liz
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

Oh, that's a BUMMER! I thank you very much for coming back though and commenting.

I'm going to try this again! I spent about 30 min so far and my electricity goes out just long enough to shut down my computer! I hope I remember what I was doing. I like both of these Lori! The second one really had me going with that second verse. What images! LOL A few suggestions for you to consider... use or lose as always!


Her place atop the highest dune I think that 'place' could be more descriptive. Something like 'throne' or 'niche'?
is crystal hewn, is crystal hewn.
Yes, you have a point there Cathy - niche is a possibility!

The ice of[frigid] past lives on in her,
she wears a shielded pallid spur.

creates a shielded pallid spur OR
creating shielded pallid spur
Hmm, I want to say that she hides behind a shield, donning it more or less, not so much creating it - will ponder this idea....

She breaks from glacier roaming free,
and proudly shines a face of glee. 'glows with face of glee' for added alliteration?
Her girth submerged from all to see, 'so none can see'...
YES, that's it - thanks Cathy on both suggestions!


He loves to breathe a[with] fire's tongue
and spread a lace of ashen dung. I just can't connect 'lace' with 'dung'! LOL I also think 'spew' might be a stronger word than 'spread' especially since you're referring to a volcano. Hey! What about 'and spew a storm of ashen dung'? LOL
Hey - that's a great suggestion Cathy - 'lace' was one of those required words and it doesn't really 'fit' as is. Cool!
His place of magma inked in sun As above, I think 'place' could be more descriptive.
is lava sprung, is lava sprung.

The dragon's lair is crammed[enraged] with gas{,}
his[and] sulfur stench, he soon will pass. 'will soon be passed.'
He wears a shield of molten mass
that yearns to (b)last, that yearns to (b)last. This gives all 4 lines a near rhyme and lines 2 & 4 a perfect rhyme. This verse gave me a major chuckle! LOL
All excellent ideas, especially for L2.

His girth submerged in Nature's tent,
unkindly gent, unkindly gent. What about 'jumpy' or 'high-strung'. Or maybe 'fickle' or 'capricious' to show his unpredictability?
I think Liz's suggestion for 'restless gent' is more in line with my image of this character - but keep the ideas coming!

Thanks so much Cathy for your comments and ideas!
Cheers
~Cleo

[jgdittier]

Dear Cleo,
You've got a sparkler here and it's been polished and buffed so beautifully, I'll wait to see it next time out.
I'm so focussed on flow that my help would be semi-monodimensional, so I'll suggest now that as you look at all the good advice that you keep flow in mind too. I think this form does emphasize flow, so let it sing!
Of little value but perhaps of interest, it seems to me that the genders are inverted. The iceberg, cold,
unemotional should be male and the volcano, well...
This one, once you've finalized it should be ready for prime time!!!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Eisa]

Hi Lori

I think Ron might have a point about the genders Hehe!!


In St1 you say "I wonder though if 'face' is what I want to really say?"

Just another idea --

her visage shines with looks of glee

I'll be back!

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hmmm, point me to that challenge I think that might stir some musings in me! This is a winner. I love this... and the agility between the different aspects of each stanza.

Hugs, Liz ...

Hi Liz.

Yes, it was a challenge years ago to write two opposing poems and incorporate 8 specific words - when I read them, I thought of an Iceberg and a Volcano and went with it. Once you have your rhyming words picked out, it's fun to fill in the lines and watch the story progress. Yes, sun/moon - man/woman - ying/yang - you guessed it.

Hi Lori,

The concept of the poem and the vast differences between the two stanzas brings to mind a love affair between two totally different entities, such as the sun and moon, a man and woman being kept from one another by forces too strong and too large to overcome ... this is what it reminded me, and their passions.

The form is quite new to me and I love the sonics it offers. so lovely, especially with the lyrical 4th line of each stanza. Some inline thoughts to follow, I hope I leave something that will be helpful! Beautiful poem!

Hugs, Liz

The Iceberg and the Volcano
Good title. Simple. Fitting.
Thanks Liz!

She loves to swim by midnight moon
on starless nights, to view Neptune.
Her place atop the highest dune
is crystal hewn, is crystal hewn.
The introducing image is wonderful, as I mentioned, I love the personification of each-'she loves to swim ...' this first stanza leads us to believe she is human, and we can relate to her love of the moon lit nights and the romance of an midnight sky. The end rhymes, to me, are fresh. You have made good use of rarely combined rhymes which add flavor to the poem. Not a nit here...

Yes, I wanted it to feel as though the reader knows her, as a person, in her shoes, through her eyes. Yes, these words were chosen partly because they're not commonly used in poetry, LOL!

The ice of past lives on in her,
she wears a shielded pallid spur.
An arctic mass, she likes to stir
the roots that were, the roots that were.

L1 feels clumsy. Perhaps ...
Ice years of past lives, live in her,
again, good strong and fresh end rhymes.
I'll need to think on this one Liz - it's 'ice', the freeze/loneliness from years passed of memories/actions.

She breaks from glacier roaming free,
and proudly shines a face of glee.
Her girth submerged from all to see,
in frozen sea, in frozen sea.

L2/L3, I like Snow's suggestion of 'with face of glee' and
perhaps no one can see,
Good suggestions!


He loves to breathe a fire's tongue
and spread a lace of ashen dung.
His place of magma inked in sun
is lava sprung, is lava sprung.
Nice.
Thanks Liz!

The dragon's lair is crammed with gas,
his sulfur stench, he soon will pass.
He wears a shield of molten mass
that yearns to last, that yearns to last.

perhaps for the final line, 'that yearns to blast, ....
That's a strong substitute - but I want the image to be portrayed of him wanting to 'never die'.

He breaks from mountain's oozing vent
and colors earth with scorching dent.
His girth submerged in Nature's tent,
unkindly gent, unkindly gent.

Perhaps something else besides 'unkindly-' maybe ...

A restless gent, a restless gent

To onset the restlessness of wanting to break loose and live
'he loves' so this might connect is unpredictability.
Yes, that would work nicely there Liz - TY!

Not much to nit here, this is wonderful poetry. Hugs, Liz

Well, I thank you for the boost and compliment - and hope to post a revision soon.

Cheers Liz
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Cleo,
You've got a sparkler here and it's been polished and buffed so beautifully, I'll wait to see it next time out.
I'm so focussed on flow that my help would be semi-monodimensional, so I'll suggest now that as you look at all the good advice that you keep flow in mind too. I think this form does emphasize flow, so let it sing!
Of little value but perhaps of interest, it seems to me that the genders are inverted. The iceberg, cold,
unemotional should be male and the volcano, well...
This one, once you've finalized it should be ready for prime time!!!
Cheers, Ron jgd

Hello Ron.

Thank you very much - I'll be sure to let you know when I've posted the revision - there are so many good suggestions to ponder.

I will keep flow in mind as per your suggestion.

LOL - are you saying that females can be hot-tempered and males cold as ice?

Beb ack again soon when I write the revision.
Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori

I think Ron might have a point about the genders Hehe!!


In St1 you say "I wonder though if 'face' is what I want to really say?"

Just another idea --

her visage shines with looks of glee

I'll be back!

Snow

Hi Snow.

he might just have a point - but it's all in the 'mood' we're in methinks.... Sizzle sizzle....

Visage might work - I think 'glee' is throwing me off so I'll think on an alternate where I can use 'her visage shines' and perhaps a slightly different end to that line.

Thanks for stopping in again - I look forward to the writing the revision.

Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

First revision now posted.

Thanks everyone!

Lori

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hmmm- this is sinking to the bottom fast!

Giving a bump since edits have been made recently.
I'm thinking of changing the last line in the Iceberg part to:

in respite's sea, in respite's sea. so it can more closely match the opposite of the end in Volcano - restless gent.


Any thoughts on this are appreciated....

[Mary Boren]

I like the form, Lori, and you've done well by it. I was intrigued by the title. The iceberg part is lovely, but the volcano kinda grosses me out. Is that the reaction you want? I'd rather see them as star-crossed lovers.

Mary