Christmas in Chell, A short story Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

*On a side note: This was part of an old Pandora challenge last year, to find the missing 25th of December. I also added member names to the story. Can you find all 22?


Christmas in Chell

Unto all things, large and small, a little chaos must fall.

In the meadows of Chell, winter had laced the landscape with idyllic ice and sugared dreams.  The ponds of the Bronze Dragon shimmered, and reflections of Aurora lit a path to the waters of IceFire.

The Elders, Isis and AkhenhatenII, were waltzing to an old tune on ice, and the swooossshhhhh, schwip, schwip, swooossshhhhh, schwip, schwip of their own follies added to the majesty of seasonal sounds.

“What do you know about the event this year,” Isis poked at Akh’s red-dyed wool sweater. “I seem to have forgotten the tune and the tranquility?”

AkhenhatenII toe-picked (his skate) and came to an abrupt stop. “Hmmmm, I do not remember, my love,” he shrugged and escorted her to a waiting bench. “What is it we are supposed to do again, dear?”

“I know not,” she frowned. “Have you a copy of the Chell Scroll in your pack? Surely, the event will be listed?”

The elder thought for a moment, the light in his eyes growing brighter by the second. “Yes, I DO have it,” He lifted his beloved with ease toward the stars of Orion. “We must go there,” he pointed to the far end of the pond. “Our boots are waiting!”

“Now, now Akh, save your strength for the—ummmmmmmm, what is it called again, a Chell celebration? I wish I could remember!”

As they read the Chell calendar, they discovered their dilemma. The 25th of December was missing! December the 24th was on Wednesday, and December 26th was on Thursday. “What happened to the 25th!?!” They both exclaimed.

“We must bring word of this chaos to our king and queen at once,” Akh rolled up the sacred scroll and tucked it back into his pack. “Hurry! Put on your boots and gather the horses!” Akh exclaimed with a fearful inflection.

When the Elders reached the town square, the Basilica was booming with shoppers. Something was different though. All their bags were filled with similar goods ~ scented firewood, cocoa, teas, coffees and baked goods.

Aphrodite and Athena stood at the door to Atum’s Annex and greeted their kinfolk. “Good day to you, kind Elders,” Aphrodite waved. “Why so troubled a look on this fine day?” She sensed chaos and rightly so.

Akh tried to speak, but his words could not be found. The scroll unraveled itself, and fell from his pack onto Athena’s foot. “Ah, do you need a new scroll perhaps? We have plenty in stock,” she stated quite proudly. “We make them right here you know. It’s our specialty.”

Aphrodite ushered the two inside. “How about a nice cup of tea? Come inside and warm yourselves, the fire always welcomes new sitters.” She poked and prodded the cinders, and a few moments later, a fire was born…again.

“Where are the other scrolls? Please, just find the scrolls!” Akh quipped.

What was not written could not be written, for all the scrolls in Chell were missing the 25th of December. There would be no toys, no jingle bells, no children’s laughter, no wrap to get lost in, no mistletoe, no reindeer and no Santa Claus, Saint Nick, or Kris Kringle coming to town. There would be no manger, no angels, no wise men, no baby Jesus to celebrate the Holy Day. It was simply erased from the scrolls of Chell.

“We must find Imhotep and Cleo_Serapis at once,” Isis cried. “The 25th is missing! See for yourselves!” She passed the scrolls to all who had entered the store.

Even Zeus², on Mount Olympus, had heard the commotion and ordered his guards to find the Royals. Charon and Taita saluted in Chell style and took their leave. Along the town road, they met Alan, Arnfinn and Atlantis’s Prince Cailean. They exchanged small talk and each took a different path that lead to the same end, the castle of Chell.

“We must reach the Royals by nightfall to save the spirit of all that was, of all that is, and all that must remain, here in Chell!” Alan shouted as he bolted with his horse Cybele and vanished into the night.

Songbird was enchanting a dove with her cousin Nefertiti when the towering bells of the castle began to ring... and ring... for no known reason. “What chaos has befallen our kingdom this time,” she asked the dove. “Must they always ring those blimey bells so loudly!”

The dove replied, “It is the spirit of Christmas they seek, princess. It has been lost. The scrolls speak not of it.”

The two royals finally realized that the dove was right! They had not been caroling, shopping, or decorating for Christmas! No one had! No one remembered… until today.

Once the Royal family had been told of this chaos, Pandora was instructed to use her powers to re-write all of the scrolls of Chell before the next sun of Ra awakened.

As it was written, so it was done. A new day dawned in Chell, and the townspeople remembered the spirit that had been lost unto them. They sang carols. They gave to the less fortunate. They baked and drank merrily. They shopped. They decorated. They celebrated with family and friends the Holy Savior and brought tidings of joy to all.

They shall never forget the 25th of December again. Their spirit could no longer be broken, ravaged, forgotten or misplaced. It was within them all along. They just needed to walk the path of light to discover it once again.

         

Copyright © 2004 Lorraine M Kanter *All rights reserved by Lorraine M Kanter as an unpublished work.

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hi Cleo,

The tile that stole Christmas? Thanks for another ticket to Cleo's magic shuttle, taking off to another godly setting just off the computer monitor. Great opening line! That sounds like a famous quote, though I think it was "...a little rain must fall."

Silly me, I counted only 18 members. There must be some I haven't met, like IceFire and Bronze Dragon, maybe? Is Isis taken?

I almost lost this tile! I had seen it in New Posts, went off line to read it, but couldn't find it again when I came back. It wasn't on the New Posts list anymore! Then I looked for it in the newest posts at the forum top level, no luck either. Good thing I went back to my browser history.

The little exercise brings up two things: 1. I think I'll email the topic to myself next time. Is that the way to go? 2. I hate killing trees, but it's just not the same reading off a computer screen, yet another excuse I got lost in Human Element. Oh well, the years are catching up...

David

[Cleo_Serapis]

Moving for critiques to Stonehenge

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cleo

I see this is from a while ago. Do you feel your writing "voice" has changed with experience and time?

I like the fantasy dream-like images, but I find that including the member names feels a bit forced, perhaps. I also found that the language veered a bit from fantasy through modern through ye olde English and even cockney ("blimey")

So this is what comes of relying on scrolls for all ones information, lol (a metaphor for the future of google, perhaps?)

enjoyed this very much

Fran

suggestions: [add] {omit} comment as always, YOUR choice

Christmas in Chell

Unto all things, large and small, a little chaos must fall.perhaps "great and small" then may not simply refer to size?

In the meadows of Chell, winter had laced the landscape with idyllic ice and sugared dreams.  The ponds of the Bronze Dragon shimmered, and reflections of Aurora lit a path to the waters of IceFire.

The Elders, Isis and AkhenhatenII, were waltzing to an old tune on ice, and the swooossshhhhh, schwip fab phonetic descriptions, schwip, swooossshhhhh, schwip, schwip of their own follies added to the majesty of seasonal sounds. "follies" sounds like errors and I don;t think you quite mean that, but as in the dancing

“What do you know about the event this year{,}[?]” Isis poked at Akh’s red-dyed[,] wool sweater. “I seem to have forgotten the tune and the tranquility{?}[.]”

AkhenhatenII toe-picked (his skate) and came to an abrupt stop. “Hmmmm, I do not remember, my love{,}[.]” {h}[H]e shrugged and escorted her to a waiting bench. “What is it we are supposed to do again, dear?”

“I know not{,}[.]” {s}[S]he frowned. “Have you a copy of the Chell Scroll in your pack? Surely, the event will be listed?”

{The elder}[Akh] cos she is also an elder, isn't she?  thought for a moment, the light in his eyes growing brighter by the second. “Yes, I DO have it,” He lifted his beloved with ease toward the stars of Orion. “We must go there{,}[.]” {h}[H]e pointed to the far end of the pond. “Our boots are waiting!”

“Now, now Akh, save your strength for the—ummmmmmmm, what is it called again, a Chell celebration? I wish I could remember!”

As they read the Chell calendar, they discovered their dilemma. The 25th of December was missing! December the 24th was on Wednesday, and December 26th was on Thursday. “What happened to the 25th!?!” They both exclaimed.

“We must bring word of this chaos to our king and queen at once,” with speech tags (he said, she whispered etc) the speech can end in a coma, but if the tag is descriptive (he sighed, she glared etc) then it should be a full stop and the tag should begin with a capital letter (I think)  Akh rolled up the sacred scroll and tucked it back into his pack. “Hurry! Put on your boots and gather the horses!” Akh exclaimed with a fearful inflection.

When the Elders reached the town square, the Basilica was booming with shoppers. Something was different though. All their bags were filled with similar goods ~ scented firewood, cocoa, teas, coffees and baked goods. use "goods" twice

Aphrodite and Athena stood at the door to Atum’s Annex and greeted their kinfolk. “Good day to you, kind Elders{,}[.]” Aphrodite waved. “Why so troubled a look on this fine day?” She sensed chaos and rightly so.

Akh tried to speak, but his words could not be found. The scroll unraveled itself{,} and fell from his pack onto Athena’s foot. “Ah, do you need a new scroll perhaps? We have plenty in stock,” she stated quite proudly. “We make them right here you know. It’s our specialty.”

Aphrodite ushered the two inside. “How about a nice cup of tea? Come inside and warm yourselves, the fire always welcomes new sitters.” She poked and prodded the cinders, and a few moments later, a fire was born…again.

“Where are the other scrolls? Please, just find the scrolls!” Akh quipped. quip is to joke (?), so not sure you mean that here

What was not written could not be written, for all the scrolls in Chell were missing the 25th of December. There would be no toys, no jingle bells, no children’s laughter, no wrap to get lost in, no mistletoe, no reindeer and no Santa Claus, Saint Nick, or Kris Kringle coming to town. There would be no manger, no angels, no wise men, no baby Jesus to celebrate the Holy Day. It was simply erased from the scrolls of Chell.

“We must find Imhotep and Cleo_Serapis at once,” Isis cried. “The 25th is missing! See for yourselves!” She passed the scrolls to all who had entered the store.

Even Zeus², on Mount Olympus, had heard the commotion and ordered his guards to find the Royal{s} [couple]. Charon and Taita saluted in Chell style and took their leave. Along the town road, they met Alan, Arnfinn and Atlantis’s Prince Cailean. They exchanged small talk and each took a different path that lead to the same end, the castle of Chell.

“We must reach the Royals by nightfall to save the spirit of all that was, of all that is, and all that must remain, here in Chell!” Alan shouted as he bolted with his horse Cybele and vanished into the night.

Songbird was enchanting a dove with her cousin Nefertiti when the towering bells of the castle began to ring... and ring... for no known reason. “What chaos has befallen our kingdom this time{,}[?]” she asked the dove. “Must they always ring those {blimey} bells so loudly{!}[?]”

The dove replied, “It is the spirit of Christmas they seek, princess. It has been lost. The scrolls speak not of it.”

The two royals finally realized that the dove was right! They had not been caroling, shopping, or decorating for Christmas! No one had! No one remembered… until today.

Once the Royal family had been told of this chaos, Pandora was instructed to use her powers to re-write all of the scrolls of Chell before the next sun of Ra awakened.

As it was written, so it was done. A new day dawned in Chell, and the townspeople remembered the spirit that had been lost unto them. They sang carols. They gave to the less fortunate. They baked and drank merrily. They shopped. They decorated. They celebrated with family and friends the Holy Savior and brought tidings of joy to all.

They shall never forget the 25th of December again. Their spirit could no longer be broken, ravaged, forgotten or misplaced. It was within them all along. They just needed to walk the path of light to discover it once again.

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cleo_,

According to the last paragraph "it" need not be written and the whole adventure was for nought.

 :jester:  Don

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

A very imaginative fairy tale of the lost 25 December which gives a very seasonal good-feel factor.  

I know you included many of the members of the board as a bit of fun when you wrote this a year ago, however if you are revisiting this to revise, you might consider that some of those names are no longer around and perhaps don't add to the story.  They appear more as extras as in many infants school plays where teachers want to include everyone.

A few thoughts to use or reject as you wish.

[add] {delete} comment

Christmas in Chell

Unto all things, large and small, a little chaos must fall.  I agree with Fran here on changing large to great

In the meadows of Chell, winter had laced the landscape with idyllic ice and sugared dreams.  The ponds of the Bronze Dragon shimmered{,} and reflections of Aurora lit a path to the waters of IceFire.

The Elders, Isis and AkhenhatenII, were waltzing to an old tune on [the] ice{, and}[.] {t}[T]he swooossshhhhh, schwip, schwip, swooossshhhhh, schwip, schwip of their own follies added to the majesty of seasonal sounds.
lpvely sound of them skating on ice.

“What do you know about the event this year{,}[?]” Isis poked at Akh’s red-dyed wool sweater. “I seem to have forgotten the tune and the tranquillity{?}[.]”

AkhenhatenII toe-picked (his skate) and came to an abrupt stop. “Hmmmm, I do not remember, my love,” he shrugged and escorted her to a waiting bench. “What is it we are supposed to do again, dear?”

“I know not,” she frowned. “Have you a copy of the Chell Scroll in your pack? Surely, the event will be listed?”

The elder thought for a moment, the light in his eyes growing brighter by the second. “Yes, I DO have it,” He lifted his beloved with ease toward the stars of Orion. “We must go there,” he pointed to the far end of the pond. “Our boots are waiting!”

“Now, now Akh, save your strength for the—ummmmmmmm, what is it called again, a Chell celebration? I wish I could remember!”

As they read the Chell calendar, they discovered their dilemma. The 25th of December was missing! December the 24th was on Wednesday, and December 26th was on Thursday. “What happened to the 25th!?!” They both exclaimed.

“We must bring word of this chaos to {our}[the] king and queen at once{,}[.]” Akh rolled up the sacred scroll and tucked it back into his pack. “Hurry! Put on your boots and gather the horses!” {Akh exclaimed with a fearful inflection.}  I don’t think this last phrase is necessary, the urgency can be felt in the instruction he gives to Isis.

When the Elders reached the town square, the Basilica was booming with shoppers. Something was different though. All their bags were filled with similar {goods}[products] ~ scented firewood, cocoa, tea{s}, coffee{s} and baked goods.

Aphrodite and Athena stood at the door to Atum’s Annex and greeted their kinfolk. “Good day to you, kind Elders,” Aphrodite waved. “Why so troubled a look on this fine day?” She sensed chaos and rightly so.

Akh tried to speak, but {his words could not be found}[couldn’t find the words]. The scroll unraveled {itself,} and fell from his pack onto Athena’s foot. “Ah, do you need a new scroll perhaps? We have plenty in stock,” she stated quite proudly. “We make them right here you know. It’s our specialty.”

Aphrodite ushered the two inside. “How about a nice cup of tea? Come inside and warm yourselves, the fire always welcomes new {sitters}[visitors].” She poked and prodded the cinders{,} and a few moments later, a fire was born…again.

“Where are the other scrolls? Please, just find the scrolls!” Akh {quipped}[pleaded].

What was not written could not be written, for all the scrolls in Chell were missing the 25th of December. There would be no toys, no jingle bells, no children’s laughter, no wrap to get lost in, no mistletoe, no reindeer and no Santa Claus, Saint Nick, or Kris Kringle coming to town. There would be no manger, no angels, no wise men, no baby Jesus to celebrate the Holy Day. It was simply erased from the scrolls of Chell. you have already used scrolls several times, perhaps almanacs/records

“We must find Imhotep and Cleo_Serapis at once,” Isis cried. “The 25th is missing! See for yourselves!” She passed the scrolls to all who had entered the store.

Even Zeus², on Mount Olympus, {had} heard the commotion and ordered his guards to find the Royals. Charon and Taita saluted in Chell style and took their leave. Along the town road, they met Alan, Arnfinn and Atlantis’s Prince Cailean. They exchanged small talk and each took a different path that lead to the same end, the castle of Chell.

“We must reach the Royals by nightfall to save the spirit of all that was, of all that is, and all that must remain, here in Chell!” Alan shouted as he bolted with his horse Cybele and vanished into the night.  bolted implies that Alan wasn’t in control - perhaps instead -  Alan shouted as he raced past on his horse Cybele and vanished into the night.

Songbird was enchanting a dove with her cousin Nefertiti when the towering bells of the castle began to ring... and ring... for no known reason. “What chaos has befallen our kingdom this time,” she asked the dove. “Must they always ring those {blimey}[infernal] bells so loudly!”

The dove replied, “It is the spirit of Christmas they seek, princess. It has been lost. The scrolls speak not of it.”

The two royals finally realized that the dove was right! They had not been caroling, shopping, or decorating for Christmas! No one had! No one remembered… until today.

Once the Royal family had been told of this chaos, Pandora was instructed to use her powers to re-write all {of} the [Chell] scrolls {of Chell} before the next sun of Ra awakened.

As it was written, so it was done. A new day dawned in Chell, and the townspeople remembered the spirit that had been lost unto them. They sang carols. They gave to the less fortunate. They baked and drank merrily. They shopped. They decorated. They celebrated with family and friends[,] the Holy Savio[u]r and brought tidings of joy to all.

They shall never forget the 25th of December again. Their spirit {could}[can] no longer be broken, ravaged, forgotten or misplaced. It was within them all along. They just needed to walk the path of light to discover it once again.

Thanks for the read

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cleo

So this is what comes of relying on scrolls for all ones information, lol (a metaphor for the future of google, perhaps?)

enjoyed this very much

Fran

suggestions: [add] {omit} comment as always, YOUR choice

Christmas in Chell

Unto all things, large and small, a little chaos must fall.perhaps "great and small" then may not simply refer to size?
Yes - I like that suggestion! TY Fran!

The Elders, Isis and AkhenhatenII, were waltzing to an old tune on ice, and the swooossshhhhh, schwip fab phonetic descriptions, schwip, swooossshhhhh, schwip, schwip of their own follies added to the majesty of seasonal sounds. "follies" sounds like errors and I don't think you quite mean that, but as in the dancing
TY! Yes - I was thinking of follies on ice - which are dance shows - I'll re-think another way to say it...

{The elder}[Akh] cos she is also an elder, isn't she?  thought for a moment, the light in his eyes growing brighter by the second. “Yes, I DO have it,” He lifted his beloved with ease toward the stars of Orion. “We must go there{,}[.]” {h}[H]e pointed to the far end of the pond. “Our boots are waiting!”
Ah yes - she is too - will delete that intro!

“We must bring word of this chaos to our king and queen at once,” with speech tags (he said, she whispered etc) the speech can end in a coma, but if the tag is descriptive (he sighed, she glared etc) then it should be a full stop and the tag should begin with a capital letter (I think)  Akh rolled up the sacred scroll and tucked it back into his pack. “Hurry! Put on your boots and gather the horses!” Akh exclaimed with a fearful inflection.
Thanks Fran - I wasn't too sure on the gramatics of that. will update.

When the Elders reached the town square, the Basilica was booming with shoppers. Something was different though. All their bags were filled with similar goods ~ scented firewood, cocoa, teas, coffees and baked goods. use "goods" twice
- that won't do!

“Where are the other scrolls? Please, just find the scrolls!” Akh quipped. quip is to joke (?), so not sure you mean that here
No - I meant it as a snide remark - will adjust - TY!

Even Zeus², on Mount Olympus, had heard the commotion and ordered his guards to find the Royal{s} [couple]. Charon and Taita saluted in Chell style and took their leave. Along the town road, they met Alan, Arnfinn and Atlantis’s Prince Cailean. They exchanged small talk and each took a different path that lead to the same end, the castle of Chell.

Songbird was enchanting a dove with her cousin Nefertiti when the towering bells of the castle began to ring... and ring... for no known reason. “What chaos has befallen our kingdom this time{,}[?]” she asked the dove. “Must they always ring those {blimey} :pharoah2 bells so loudly{!}[?]”

Fran!

Hi Fran.

I see this is from a while ago. Do you feel your writing "voice" has changed with experience and time?

Ummm - yes, I think so - although I'll need to re-read some newer stories to compare. These days, I am writing in first person and trying to 'show' moe than 'tell' which is no easy task for me. :block:

I like the fantasy dream-like images, but I find that including the member names feels a bit forced, perhaps. I also found that the language veered a bit from fantasy through modern through ye olde English and even cockney ("blimey")

OK, that's a good assessment Fran - when I wrote this, I purposely included member names and now that I've posted it here for crits, I should heed your advice and edit, edit, edit....    

Will consider all your punctuation ideas too. Thanks so much for your thorough critique!  :gromit:

~Cleo  :cloud9:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cleo_,

According to the last paragraph "it" need not be written and the whole adventure was for nought.

   Don

You silly Don!  :speechless:  :jester:

BUT - you DO have a valid point. :block:

Thanks for stopping by!

~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori

A few thoughts to use or reject as you wish.

[add] {delete} comment

Christmas in Chell

Unto all things, large and small, a little chaos must fall.  I agree with Fran here on changing large to great
Will make that change then.  :highfive:


The Elders, Isis and AkhenhatenII, were waltzing to an old tune on [the] ice{, and}[.] {t}[T]he swooossshhhhh, schwip, schwip, swooossshhhhh, schwip, schwip of their own follies added to the majesty of seasonal sounds.
lovely sound of them skating on ice.
Thanks so much!

“We must bring word of this chaos to {our}[the] king and queen at once{,}[.]” Akh rolled up the sacred scroll and tucked it back into his pack. “Hurry! Put on your boots and gather the horses!” {Akh exclaimed with a fearful inflection.}  I don’t think this last phrase is necessary, the urgency can be felt in the instruction he gives to Isis.
OK. Sounds fair to me.

Akh tried to speak, but {his words could not be found}[couldn’t find the words]. The scroll unraveled {itself,} and fell from his pack onto Athena’s foot. “Ah, do you need a new scroll perhaps? We have plenty in stock,” she stated quite proudly. “We make them right here you know. It’s our specialty.”
Again, thanks Nina. Will edit.

Aphrodite ushered the two inside. “How about a nice cup of tea? Come inside and warm yourselves, the fire always welcomes new {sitters}[visitors].” :pharoah2 She poked and prodded the cinders{,} and a few moments later, a fire was born…again.

“Where are the other scrolls? Please, just find the scrolls!” Akh {quipped}[pleaded]. TY!

What was not written could not be written, for all the scrolls in Chell were missing the 25th of December. There would be no toys, no jingle bells, no children’s laughter, no wrap to get lost in, no mistletoe, no reindeer and no Santa Claus, Saint Nick, or Kris Kringle coming to town. There would be no manger, no angels, no wise men, no baby Jesus to celebrate the Holy Day. It was simply erased from the scrolls of Chell. you have already used scrolls several times, perhaps almanacs/records
Yes - I see that now - - I like records  will change. TY!

“We must reach the Royals by nightfall to save the spirit of all that was, of all that is, and all that must remain, here in Chell!” Alan shouted as he bolted with his horse Cybele and vanished into the night.  bolted implies that Alan wasn’t in control - perhaps instead - Alan shouted as he raced past on his horse Cybele and vanished into the night.
Sounds fair to me. THough I might change the names here....

Songbird was enchanting a dove with her cousin Nefertiti when the towering bells of the castle began to ring... and ring... for no known reason. “What chaos has befallen our kingdom this time,” she asked the dove. “Must they always ring those {blimey}[infernal] bells so loudly!”
Oooh, I like infernal. Cool!

Once the Royal family had been told of this chaos, Pandora was instructed to use her powers to re-write all {of} the [Chell] scrolls {of Chell} before the next sun of Ra awakened.
:pharoah2

They shall never forget the 25th of December again. Their spirit {could}[can] no longer be broken, ravaged, forgotten or misplaced. It was within them all along. They just needed to walk the path of light to discover it once again.
Nina, do you think I need to include this last sentence at all?

Thanks for the read

Nina

Hi Nina.

A very imaginative fairy tale of the lost 25 December which gives a very seasonal good-feel factor.  

I know you included many of the members of the board as a bit of fun when you wrote this a year ago, however if you are revisiting this to revise, you might consider that some of those names are no longer around and perhaps don't add to the story.  They appear more as extras as in many infants school plays where teachers want to include everyone.

Thanks so much! I had fun with this one last year. Yes, all those names are a bit of a drag, aren't they? Yes - I will revise per your and Fran's suggestions.  :chilly:


Thanks so much Nina for your suggestions of which I will use most certainly. Also the puntuation elements will be considered as well when I make my revision.

Happy almost New Year!

~Cleo  :highfive: