Contemplatin' My Naval [ minor revision 9/26 ], ballad-like metrical rhyme Options

[JustDaniel]

Minor Revision (9/26):


Contemplatin' My Naval

Night’s calm before the storm is past,
but still the beach is still,
although some winds and troubled waves
seem practicin’ until
the tide goes out before a surge
will bring it in with force
with blackened clouds and thun’drin’ rain,
winds screamin’ ‘til they’re hoarse…
for now the only screech: one seagull
callin’ to his mate
avoidin’ him; she's scavengin'
to share with her new date.

A mom and dad with their two children
hit the beach to dig-in
buckets and entrenchment tool
dad’s brought from backpack riggin’.
Breeze is gettin’ stiffer now;
some shoobie feeds his pets,
those wing-ed rats that soar above him—
earns what he soon gets.

I wander to a jetty; there’s
a Danger sign: Keep Off
Of course I walk right on and sit;
my feet have had enough.

I’m now the captain of my ship;
it's headin’ east nor’east.
Stern waves are crashin’ o’er the bow;
we need to veer at least
fifteen degrees to starboard, ere
we end up on the beach.
Alas, the rudder will not turn;
my craft’s within its reach.
I’d gladly go down with my ship
to save my navel pride,
but here we are upon the sand…

and over there my bride
of thirty-nine short years in which
she’s ne’er abandoned ship.
I’d better see if she’s okay
an’ munch on nacho chips.

© MLee Dickens’son 19 Sept 2006


Original:

S1L11: avoidin’ him while scavenging

[Eisa]

This one made me smile Daniel. I don't think I have time to do it justice right now, but I'll leave my initial impressions for now.

Contemplating My Naval

Night’s calm before the storm is past,
but still the beach is still,
although some winds and troubled waves
seem practicin’ until
the tide goes out before a surge
will bring it in with force
with blackened clouds and thun’drin’ rain,
winds screamin’ ‘til they’re hoarse…
for now the only screech: one seagull
callin’ to his mate
avoidin’ him while scavenging
to share with her new date.

You have set the scene well -- great images and I love the seagull scenario at the end.
One nit -- to avoid the repeat of 'still' in L2 you could write
'and yet the beach is still'
... but perhaps you use the repeat for effect?

A mom and dad with their two children
hit the beach to dig-in
buckets and entrenchment tool
dad’s brought from backpack riggin’.
Breeze is gettin’ stiffer now;
some shoobie feeds his pets,
those wing-ed rats that soar above him—
earns what he soon gets.

I'm not sure of the meaning --'to dig-in buckets and...'

I wander to a jetty; there’s
a Danger sign: Keep Off
Of course I walk right on and sit;
my feet have had enough.

LOL! -- well of course that's what you'd do.

I’m now the captain of my ship;
it's headin’ east nor’east.
Stern waves are crashin’ o’er the bow;
we need to veer at least
fifteen degrees to starboard, ere
we end up on the beach.
Alas, the rudder will not turn;
my craft’s within its reach.
I’d gladly go down with my ship
to save my navel pride,
but here we are upon the sand…

Lovely piece of imagination

and over there my bride
of thirty-nine short years in which
she’s ne’er abandoned ship.
I’d better see if she’s okay
an’ munch on nacho chips.

I love this ending stanza, where you have drawn in the threads from the poem -- I’d gladly go down with my ship ...she's ne'er abandoned ship and you end up eating naco chips (and I'll bet that seagull is still scavenging for food)

© MLee Dickens’son 19 Sept 2006

A great read Daniel and I have a feeling when I return to read again I'll find some more layers I missed the first time.

Snow

[JustDaniel]

Thank you so much for your visit and your impressions, Snow. I'm still pondering the dig-in lines; I was trying to get the expression 'dig-in' in the military sense connected with the 'entrenchment tool'... but I don't think it's gonna work! We'll see if I can fix it. The 'still' duplication was intended, but it's up to the reader to let me know if it works.

I appreciate your observations on the other matters, and I'll look forward to your return for any more suggestions you may have. I'll wait to revise till I hear from a few more, as they have the chance to reply.

deLighting in the exchange, Daniel

P.S. Oldest daughter Charissa joined us last evening to spend the rest of the weekend with us, and tomorrow afternoon our youngest daughter and her one-year-old will join us for her own birthday, with her in-laws coming Saturday to rendezvous with us in Smithville

[Eisa]

Hi Daniel

but still the beach is still, ~ is growing on me, as they are after all different in meaning. I sometimes think i have been brainwashed against repeats. LOL!

I look forward to what others have to say on this one.

Hope you have a lovely family weekend Daniel.

Snow

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Daniel,

I enjoyed the whole shee-bang.

Taught not to use mutiple meaning, identical spelled words like "set" and in your case "still," I find absolutely no objection to your cute and clever line. In fact both meanings are rather slang to slap the hard-nose critic on both cheeks.

The entrenchment tool conveyed digging-in to me. One can convey digging with many words besides one steeped in military usage.

I liked your link between rats of the sky seagulls and human beings.

I also liked your title which nuances what couch potatoes do, contemplate their naval.

And of course, the levity in referencing navel and naval is priceless.

Thanks for the skillful cheer.

Don

[JLY]

Daniel,
A nice story about a family trip to the Jersey shore.

Liked your reference to "shoobies" and enjoyed your description of seagulls as wing-ed rats....

some shoobie feeds his pets,
those wing-ed rats that soar above him—
earns what he soon gets.

My only quirk is that I think your end line falls short in comparison to the rest of your smooth-flowing poem.

I identified with many of your images; a nice excursion.

JLY

[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel

but still the beach is still, ~ is growing on me, as they are after all different in meaning. I sometimes think i have been brainwashed against repeats. LOL!

I look forward to what others have to say on this one.

Hope you have a lovely family weekend Daniel.

Snow

I can certainly identify with the outright rejection of repetitions. But I'm glad you feel this one growing on you. I'm still rather still with it, preferring not to toss it into the still to further brew... at least that line.

We did have a wonderful time at the shore, and I think you'll see a number of things that I wrote will I was there.

deLighting in the renewal, Daniel