DECEMBER MORNING Options

[Cybele]

         FIRST REVISION

                        The garden wears
                        a winding sheet of snow.
                        The anaemic sun,
                        too weak to melt pond-ice
                        entombing golden fish,
                        hangs forlornly in
                        a gunmetal sky.

                        Lace doily spiders’ webs
                        decorate the naked trees.
                        A milky haze of frost lies
                        overall;    listen!
                        Nothing stirs, no breeze occurs.
                        No birds sing, no flowers spring.

                        Nor dare I move, for fear that
                        Mother Nature disapproves.

      

                        ORIGINAL


                        The garden wears
                        a winding sheet of snow.
                        Anaemic sunlight,
                        too weak to melt the pond-ice
                        entombing golden fish,
                        hangs lifeless in
                        a gunmetal sky.

                        Lace doily spider's webs
                        decorate the naked trees.
                        A milky haze of frost lies
                        overall. No sound is heard,
                        nothing stirs, no breeze occurs.
                        No birds sing, no flowers spring.

                        I dare not move, for fear that
                        Mother Nature disapprove.


All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished work.

[Guest_jayjay_*]

I began to see my breath as I read this, Grace.  Elegant as frost on a web.

My only suggestions are that instead of 'Anaemic sunlight' maybe ' Anaemic Sun'.

V2, L3, I'd change to , 'Milky frost lies overall.
                                   Listen.  Nothing stirs,
                                   No breeze occurs.'

I think the single word, Listen, might help to reinforce the sense of stillness and prod the reader into slowing up and savouring the beautiful images you have wrought.

Sometimes the block of words we call poetry enables us to see with someone else's eyes.  This poem managed to do that, and it is a not inconsiderable skill.  Now, break the ice on that pond and have a lovely Sunday.

JJ

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace... some suggestions

{omit} [add] (comments etc)

The garden wears
a winding sheet of snow.
Anaemic sunlight,
too weak to melt {the} pond-ice
entombing golden fish,
hangs lifeless in (ambiguous?)
a gunmetal sky.

Lace doily spider{‘}s[’] webs
decorate {the} naked trees.
A milky haze of frost lies (Frost’s milky haze lies?)
overall. No sound is heard.
{nothing stirs}, no breeze occurs. (cliche*)No birds sing, no flowers spring.

... This is becoming messy... may I suggest something like:

Lace doily spiders’ webs
decorate naked trees.
Frost’s milky haze lies overall.
No sound is heard; nothing spurs;
no breeze occurs.
No birds sing, no flowers spring.

Just an idea.

I dare not move, for fear that
Mother Nature disapprove.


All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished work.

* - Though this is cliche, I do like the line-rhyme. Is “spurs” any good?


I couldn’t read this on-screen (painful to my eyes - using wp as ever) but the chill/thin effect on the page, with another of your great photos, was fantastic.

Whatever you do (or don't do) this is an excellent poem, Grace - another great post card.

[JustDaniel]

[b]Hi, Grace!

This is a beautiful, quiet picture of winter... even before winter...

but I'm always frustrated by my lack of comprehension of the 'rules' of line-endings in free verse.  So many of you FVers end your lines in what seem to me to be the strangest places!  I just keep plodding along to learn from y'all.

Honestly, it's probably the single most baffling thing that keeps me out of the arena of free verse.  I think that I just don't have the feel for ending lines in what seem to me to be illogical places!  Does that make sense? ...or is it supposed to?

Anyhow... here is how I see your lovely poem, so I have 're-arranged' it a bit:

                        The garden wears
                        a winding sheet of snow.
                        Anaemic sunlight,  
[ We'd of course say anemic ]
                        hangs lifeless
                        in a gunmetal sky,
                        too weak to melt pond-ice
                        that entombs golden fish.

                        Lace doily spider webs
                        decorate naked trees.
                        A milky haze of frost lies
                        overall... not a sound.
                        Nothing stirs; no breeze occurs.
                        No birds sing; no flowers spring.
[ Nice internal rhyming!]

                        I dare not move, for fear
                        that Mother Nature disapprove.

I suppose that I've disjointed your presentation, Grace, and I hope you'll forgive me, but at least you can feel it (maybe painfully?) how I feel my lack of understanding... maybe?

stumblin' in de Light, Daniel  

[Cybele]

Good morning JJ,

It is good to see to you here offering a critique.

Glad you felt the cold, that's what I was aiming for.    

My only suggestions are that instead of 'Anaemic sunlight' maybe ' Anaemic Sun'.

V2, L3, I'd change to , 'Milky frost lies overall.
                                  Listen.  Nothing stirs,
                                  No breeze occurs.'

I think the single word, Listen, might help to reinforce the sense of stillness and prod the reader into slowing up and savouring the beautiful images you have wrought.

I think this is an excellent suggestion which I shall immediately adopt. Far more dramatic, but I shall drop down one line for 'Nothing stirs, no breeze occurs since this is an internal rhyme.

Thank you for the great idea JJ.

[Cybele]

Good morning James,  

i]

The garden wears
a winding sheet of snow.
Anaemic sunlight,
too weak to melt {the} pond-ice
entombing golden fish,
hangs lifeless in (ambiguous?)
a gunmetal sky.

L4 will omit 'the' (makes sense to me James)
L6 Yes I was looking for a better word and have decided on 'forlornly'


Your suggested alteration

Lace doily spiders’ webs
decorate naked trees.
Frost’s milky haze lies overall.
No sound is heard; nothing spurs;
no breeze occurs.
No birds sing, no flowers spring.

L1 misplaced apostrophe noted, thank you
L3 I think I prefer the original here Jmaes
L3/4 These have been changed in line with JJ suggestion as I don't consider nothing stirs too cliche  

[/i]

As alway James, your comments are greatly appreciated. I knew this was a little rough but I wanted to get it posted, knowing my friends at MM would be only to happy to wade in and help polish it up.

[Cybele]

Good morning Daniel,  

This is a beautiful, quiet picture of winter... even before winter...

but I'm always frustrated by my lack of comprehension of the 'rules' of line-endings in free verse.  So many of you FVers end your lines in what seem to me to be the strangest places!  I just keep plodding along to learn from y'all.

Honestly, it's probably the single most baffling thing that keeps me out of the arena of free verse.  I think that I just don't have the feel for ending lines in what seem to me to be illogical places!  Does that make sense? ...or is it supposed to?


No way in the world would I consider myself a Free verse writer Daniel.   From all I have read there are no set rules. When I try to write free verse I work on the premise that the poem will be read line by line, comma to full-stop, exactly as you would read a piece of prose. The only difference is to try to separate the different ideas onto lines of acceptable length, which, when read, should run smoothly. Now I don't know if I will ever achieve this but I am not going to be afraid to try ~ and neither should you my friend. If we don't try, we will never learn.


Anyhow... here is how I see your lovely poem, so I have 're-arranged' it a bit:

                       The garden wears
                       a winding sheet of snow.
                       Anaemic sunlight,  
[ We'd of course say anemic ]
                       hangs lifeless
                       in a gunmetal sky,
                       too weak to melt pond-ice
                       that entombs golden fish.

L3 You say tomatah and I'll say tomatow.

This re-arrangement would lose the point of the verse Daniel. The sun cannot melt the ice and as a result it hangs forlornly (new word)

                       Lace doily spider webs
                       decorate naked trees.
                       A milky haze of frost lies
                       overall... not a sound.
                       Nothing stirs; no breeze occurs.
                       No birds sing; no flowers spring.
[ Nice internal rhyming!]

                       I dare not move, for fear
                       that Mother Nature disapprove.

Daniel, I am only too pleased to have your thoughts on free verse. I just hope I have managed to explain my own rather hazy ideas on the subject.

[JustDaniel]

I see the point now that you are attempting to portray, but I'm not sure that it's so clear to the reader, since the idea "as a result" is not at all obvioius.

hangs forlornly seems to me to merely state the fact.  Perhaps

now hangs forlorn
in a gunmetal sky ?

Lightly, Daniel  :sun:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Grace!

What a great picture that is evenly matched by a great tile!  :cloud9:

I like your revisions thus far and offer only a few tiny nits below.

How lovely!  :snowflake:
Cheers!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

The garden wears
                       a winding sheet of snow.
                       Anaemic sunlight,
                       too weak to melt pond-ice
                       entombing golden fish,
                       hangs forlornly in
                       a gunmetal sky.

                       Lace doily spiders’ webs
                       decorate the naked trees.
                       A milky haze of frost lies
                       overall;    listen!
                       nNothing stirs, no breeze occurs.
                       No birds sing, no flowers spring.

                       I dare not move, for fear that
                       Mother Nature may disapprove.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Glad to help, Grace. Thanks for the font change - though your original does have a fragile beauty about it. Great colour, too!

I appreciate the kindness, though.

James.

[Cybele]

Hello Lori,

Thank you for the fish. At least this one is swimming freely and not half-frozen to death!

Yes, I see your point about the capitalization of 'No'. This got lost when I took JJ's suggestion and used the word 'Listen'


I dare not move, for fear that
Mother Nature may disapprove.


I wanted these two lines to be of equal syllabic length after using the internal rhymes and to my Anglicised ear the original version sounds the better English.

Your comments are always most welcome Lori, Thank you for reading.

[Cybele]

Hello Daniel,

Ah yes! I see your point. I just didn’t want to alter the order of the sentence, but I see your suggestion makes good sense.

To save copying out another revision I shall add your suggestion in italics, OK?

[Cybele]

Hello James,

Thank you for your com[liment about fragile beauty, but that is not of much use to you if you can't read it clearly my friend.

The pleasure is all mine.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Good evening, Grace,

I somehow missed this joy earlier - but all the better now the fire is lit and dinner cooked. A lovely vision.

I have a (very uncertain) suggestion... in that I feel the last couplet (is that the right term?) concerns the poet 'frozen' - not daring to move - and I wonder if that might be appropriate as a word to use... somehow... (or way too obvious?).

Love,
Fran

[Ephiny]

Hello Grace,

Another marvellous description of winter here..and your revisions are terrific and fit in perfectly with the picture you describe so beautifully here.  And your picture on the screen above it is also beautiful!

I love "anaemic sunlight"..can just picture it, and "entombing golden fish"  And I love looking at spiders' webs on bright, frostly mornings..I even managed to walk right into the middle of one this morning!!! You describe the stillness and silence of winter so well..I felt as if I were standing right in the middle of this scene..it's just wonderful.

I love the end of this as well..really enjoyed it

[Cybele]

Good evening Fran,

Thank you so much for reading and commenting.

I felt that last couplet needed to be strengthened slightly but was undecided on a fix. Your suggestion of 'frozen' (although I can't actually use that word) gave me the idea to change it to include myself more fully in the picture by simply changing..


I dare not move

for

Nor dare I move

which gives me the continuity I have been looking for, so thank you for your contribution Fran. I think you have now helped me complete the jigsaw puzzle!    

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Grace.

I see your point about the last line - how about:
Mother Nature disapproves (plural)?

~Cleo :)

[Cybele]

Hello Lucie,  

Another marvellous description of winter here..and your revisions are terrific and fit in perfectly with the picture you describe so beautifully here.  And your picture on the screen above it is also beautiful!

I love "anaemic sunlight"..can just picture it, and "entombing golden fish"  And I love looking at spiders' webs on bright, frostly mornings..I even managed to walk right into the middle of one this morning!!! You describe the stillness and silence of winter so well..I felt as if I were standing right in the middle of this scene..it's just wonderful.

I love the end of this as well..really enjoyed it

Thank you so much Lucie. Yes, I too have a fascination for spiders' webs, especially on frosty days. The pictures help me to indulge my other passion ~ photography. So often a photograph inspires a poem and it is good to marry the two together.  

[Cybele]

Hello Lori,

I see your point about the last line - how about:
Mother Nature disapproves (plural)?

~Cleo  

Yes, Lori, now that I have changed the context of the penultimate line the plural will work for the last line.  Many thanks. Off to change it now.  :dance:  :cloud9: