Steeple Bells and Trees (Revised Dec 14), Merry Christmas all Options

[Guest_Don_*]

Steeple Bells and Trees
          (version 03)

We take a pause aside the route
from noise on road like buzz of bees,
and hear an owl let out a hoot,
which carries on the snowbound breeze,
to offer thanks for Christmas trees.
 
The horses idle under hood,
for them this stop is understood,
as drivers contemplate a field
of stubble studs in snow chill shield
and offer thanks for Christmas trees.

This land, at harvest, is alive,
although abandoned barren cold
awaits new seed and will revive
as stalks of limbs with candle gold.
We offer thanks for Christmas trees.

With ring of steeple bells to please,
we sing our thanks for Christmas trees.


© 2003 by D.E.  Holmes

-------------------------------------------------------
Steeple Bells and Trees
       (version 01)

I take a pause aside the route
from noise on road like buzz of bees,
and hear amused owl give a hoot,
to see star silhouetted trees;
and offers thanks for Christmas trees.
 
The horses idle under hood,
with reason for stop understood,
as driver contemplates a field
of stubble studs in snow chill shield:
and offers thanks for Christmas trees..

This land, at harvest, is alive;
although, abandoned barren cold,
awaits new seed and will revive
as stalks of limbs with candle gold.
We offer thanks for Christmas trees.

With ring of steeple bells to please,
we sing our thanks for Christmas trees.


© 2003 by D.E.  Holmes
-----------------------------------------------

A sincere thanks to everyone who helped improve version 01 into version 03.  Never mind version 02, which has never been posted here at MM.

A general note to all is my eccentric self–imposed rules excluded “ing” and “ly” endings.  Granted many suggested lines read smoother such as Alan’s, “reason for stopping understood” and “With ringing steeple bells” because that is normal speech.


I apologize to Aurora/Angie for not creating a smoother second line.  Your third line suggestion is in place.

Thanks Alan.  You spotlighted the biggest glitch of double “trees” in lines four and five.  Searching for alternate rhyme words established “breeze” to be the best choice.  Tom/AkhenhatenII suggested better than I could conceive.

Thanks [b/]Larry/Zeus2   It is always wonderful to be approved by the one whom sets the fates.

A hearty thanks to Electra/Donna for making me blush.  I am not as bashful as easily mislead.  We have several inches of white fluff and wish Santa would show before it melts.

A warm seasons appreciation to Daniah/Siren for your warm critical eye with hues for feeling.

I give Lori/Cleo_Serapis sincere thanks for maintaining MM as an excellent exchange between artists.  Sorry you did not have time to crit first go ‘round, but maybe later, huh?

Wishing Lucie/Ephiny a wonderful Holiday season with sincere thanks for taking time to read and comment.  I noticed your quotation from James Joyce’s “Ulysses.”  I am reading for first time his foundation, “The Odyssey of Homer.”

Arnie/Arnfinn:  Yes, the owl is quaint, now that you mention it.  Rather a nice tension for the modern horses, no?

Hopefully, line replacement for offending one sounds satisfactorily, blondie/Amy.  I would be happy to be able to slide down an open field hill, but a country sleigh ride would be cozier.

Tom/AkhenhatenII:  I owe the most gratitude for changes to you.  The first pronoun change is a big one.  It puts a minor strain on plural “drivers” which is significantly softer than replaced glaring first person.  I could not conceive of a decent line ending with “breeze” so copied your excellent suggestion.  Your use of “red” to highlight line and word changes works very well.  But then you already knew.
The punctuation of third stanza is tough for me.  You see my selection using some grammar tool help.  
Now I must look into Thomas Harding.

Peace on Earth to everyone,

Don

[Guest_Aurora_*]

Hi Don,

When I read your poem, I felt it enchanting and placing the spirit of Christmas in my heart. Even though I live where snow is not, I could see the sleigh and horses. Very vivid poem that comes alive with Christmas spirit.

I like how you chose few, but great words and your poem it tight and clear.

Beautiful poem and the only thing I see that might read better is your first stanza.

Maybe it could go something like this to make the meter flow more easily:

I take a pause aside the route
from noise like buss of bees,
and hear an owl let out a hoot,
at star slihouletted trees;
and offers thanks for Christmas trees.

Hope I have been of some help and Merry Christmas to you and your family  :snowflake:  :reindeer:  :holly:  :ornament:  :blueorn:
Angie

[Guest__*]

Dear Don

This reminds me of is it "Stopping by fields on a snowy evening" or something like that - is it a spoof ? Or was it inspired by it, even if not a re-write ?

Until I know this I find it difficult to offer any crit !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Angel

This reminds me of is it "Stopping by fields on a snowy evening" or something like that - is it a spoof ? Or was it inspired by it, even if not a re-write ?

Until I know this I find it difficult to offer any crit !

Love
Alan

Hi Alan,

What you detect is a brief homage to Robert Frost's, "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening."

A satire or spoof is positively not intended.  My theme is pastoral and pointing to Frost's pastoral poem is emphasis of this point.

As you well know, Mr. Frost's poem has a much deeper philosophy than contained in "Steeple Bells and Trees."

Thanks for commenting after a quick read.

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Don,

When I read your poem, I felt it enchanting and placing the spirit of Christmas in my heart. Even though I live where snow is not, I could see the sleigh and horses. Very vivid poem that comes alive with Christmas spirit.

I like how you chose few, but great words and your poem it tight and clear.

Beautiful poem and the only thing I see that might read better is your first stanza.

Maybe it could go something like this to make the meter flow more easily:

I take a pause aside the route
from noise like buss of bees,
and hear an owl let out a hoot,
at star slihouletted trees;
and offers thanks for Christmas trees.

Hope I have been of some help and Merry Christmas to you and your family          
Angie

Greetings Angie,

We have yet to receive a good coat for a white Christmas, but around here it is likely as well as traditional.

Thank you for your very kind words.

I will seriously consider you replacement suggestion for line 3.

The syllable count intended is 8 per line, so your better simile for line 2 will not do.  I get the idea though, that it too needs smoothing.

Thank you again.


Don

[Guest__*]

Dear Don

So OK, a "nod" to Frost !

I have a few points to offer, for you to consider, or not :

I take a pause aside the route
from noise on road like buzz of bees,
and hear amused owl give a hoot,
to see star silhouetted trees; -- any chance of a diff word here - trees 2x ?
and offers thanks for Christmas trees.

The horses idle under hood,
with reason for stop understood, -- reason for stopping understood ?
as driver contemplates a field -- this driver ( "I" in first line)
of stubble studs in snow chill shield:
and offers thanks for Christmas trees.

This land, at harvest, is alive;
although, abandoned barren cold, -- for now abandoned ?
awaits new seed,* and will revive
as stalks of limbs with candle gold.
We offer thanks for Christmas trees.

With ring of steeple bells to please, -- With ringing steeple bells ?
we sing our thanks for Christmas trees.

Don, I would not "lessen" your poem compared to the Frost one. You have valid points and make them well.

Love
Alan

[Guest_Zeus²_*]

Don,
A ride thru the country and stopping by the christmas tree farm. An unusual site, we have them not to far from where I live.
Good to see as one looks over the land, the staggered seedlings being regrown, think it's about a 6-8 year cycle for new growth to reach cutting age.
Like your little metaphors, especially the horses under the hood. Sort of an old, old connection from the 19th century when they were used to haul out the cuttings etc.
A very pleasant read.
Larry  :holly:  :snowflake:

[Guest__*]

Hello Don,
I'm late to the party as usual so cannot add anything to the excellent suggestions already given but I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed this. Excellent use of meter and rhyme and it evoked such a lovely, seasonal picture. I will look forward to reading more from you.
Donna  :holly:

[Siren]

Don,


This was a pleasant read.. I so enjoyed the images and soft feel within it..Christmas is such a peacefu time and I remember when I used to celebrated it as a child with my friends...


Lovely

Daniah

[Guest_Don_*]

Don,
A ride thru the country and stopping by the christmas tree farm. An unusual site, we have them not to far from where I live.
Good to see as one looks over the land, the staggered seedlings being regrown, think it's about a 6-8 year cycle for new growth to reach cutting age.
Like your little metaphors, especially the horses under the hood. Sort of an old, old connection from the 19th century when they were used to haul out the cuttings etc.
A very pleasant read.
Larry    

Hey Zeus,

The horses under hood in my mind is auto engine running in idle as I ponder the landscape from roadside.

Hmmm, did my image of a christmas tree farm seep through?  This local location was motivation for stopping during commute to work.

Thanks a lot for your input.

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Alan,

I am not ignoring you as your input deserves the most detailed reply.

The poem is being revised.  I am waiting in hopes of a few more positive/negative viewpoints before completing a revised edition to repost here.

Thank you very much todate.

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Hello Don,
I'm late to the party as usual so cannot add anything to the excellent suggestions already given but I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed this. Excellent use of meter and rhyme and it evoked such a lovely, seasonal picture. I will look forward to reading more from you.
Donna  

Hi Electra,

Are you one of the three furies?  

Never too late to input what you think may be an improvementmentmentment.

Thank you for your Christmas gift of grace toward this humble poem.  
It was written under some strict self imposed rules.  Hindsight shows many glaring errors to those standards.  Ergo a revision is forthcoming, and it is not too late to play Christmas Grinch.

Merry Christmas Donna

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Don,


This was a pleasant read.. I so enjoyed the images and soft feel within it..Christmas is such a peacefu time and I remember when I used to celebrated it as a child with my friends...


Lovely

Daniah

Oh Daniel,

Your words and presence is a wonderful gift at this end of year time.

For a little while our hearts are more open toward sincere wishes for peace on earth and good will to all people.  It would be a noble prize award for each of us to help pry and stretch that small opening to permanent size.

Happy season to you Siren

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Don!

What a pleasure to read you!  :read:  :snowflake:

I have often envisioned what you have put into words here so beautifully! We, always have a fake tree - up Thanksgiving weekend every year.

I have a few ideas to help smooth out the bumps, but I'm just short on time tonight..

Promise to back real soon though!

Cheers!
~Cleo  :xmas:

[Ephiny]

Hi!!

Just wanted to say that I really enjoyed this poem..it's so lovely and wintery and full of great Christmas images, I thought the repetition of the last line in each stanza was really effective.  A most picturesque "painting" of Christmas, especially with the horses!!  Happy Holidays!!

[Arnfinn]

How are you Don.

Good broad view of the search for the seasons favourite tree.

I take a pause aside the route
from noise on road like buzz of bees,
and hear amused owl give a hoot,
to see star silhouetted trees;
and offers thanks for Christmas trees.

The first stanza is quaint...specially the owl.



Regards,


Arnie

[Guest_blondie_*]

You've received such helpful responses, but I felt I should reply as well!  

A very pleasant read, Don.  Vivid images of the Christmas season somehow made me long for a sleigh ride.  

The only crit I could possibly offer would be what has already been said about the repeat of "trees" at the end of the first stanza.

Thanks so much for sharing.  This was a blessed read for the holiday season.

~Amy~

[Guest__*]

Hello Don

We have a late British poet of some note. Thomas Hardy sometimes practised this wonderful style. A quatrain, followed by a single definitive line which stands alone and acts almost as a counterpoint to the preceding verse. In your case, you have used repetition to reinforce your theme. I find it very effective.
As has already been pointed out, you may wish to consider some minor amendment to the first stanza, as there is definite arboreal conflict.    

I also found that the poem gave a greater sense of sharing when I subconsciously imposed the first person plural as I read aloud. One or two tweaks for scansion.

We take a pause aside the route
from noise on road like buzz of bees,
and hear amused owls give a hoot,
which carries on the snowbound breeze
and offers thanks for Christmas trees.

The horses idle under hood,
reasons for stopping understood,
as drivers contemplate a field
of stubble studs in snow chill shield:
and offer thanks for Christmas trees..

This land, at harvest, is alive;
although abandoned, barren, cold, shuffled the commas slightly
awaits new seed and will revive
as stalks of limbs with candle gold.
We offer thanks for Christmas trees.

With ring of steeple bells to please,
we sing our thanks for Christmas trees.

It's a great sounding poem.


Tom

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Don!  

I just love the nice warm flow of this piece, not to mention the ohhhh ahhhhh feelings I have after it's been read (several times)!  

I must say Rev 3 is quite a positive change!    I only spot a couple of items that you can take or toss here.

Happy Holidays to you and yours Don!  

~Cleo    

We take a pause aside the route
from noise on road like buzz of bees,
and hear an owl let out a hoot,
How about: and hear an owl bellow and hoot?

This land, at harvest, is alive,
although abandoned barren cold
awaits new seed and will revive
as stalks of limbs with candle gold.
We offer thanks for Christmas trees.

SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL!    :operagal:

With ring of steeple bells to please,
we sing our thanks for Christmas trees.

How about 'We give our thanks for Christmas Trees', OR
We sing our praise for Christmas Trees'?

[Guest_Don_*]

Thanks very much for taking time to read the revision and most ceertainly for your insightful suggestions.

Lynn, my spouse, is cooking a turkey to stuff; and my respitory tract is already stuffed.

To embellish a tad, half the people at work are coughing with a new virus or coughing to finish an old virus.  Recent cycles of warm and cool have managed manipulation of multiplying disease.  

Again we wish you a cheery Christmas and a specially happy New Year.

Don