Arrogance ** Options

[Maureen]

ARROGANCE
Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet


For those who listen the world has music,
for those who listen the world has song.
For those who listen the world will tell you
whenever its hurting and what is wrong.
For those who listen the Mother calls you,
she shares her bounty, she shares her joy
just open your eyes and see her glory,
embrace her substance with your employ.
For those who care the whole world around you
is a mere speck in the oceans of space,
there are other planets and other systems
far, far away and not in our face.
Should we presume that they have no people,
should we presume we’re the only ones
that inhabit a planet or is that just arrogance?
Long before our lifetime - life had begun.

[Luce]

What form is this Maureen? I don't recognize it.

Luce

[Maureen]

No idea Luce - I don't write to form I just write poetry It's rhyming poetry

[Luce]

Okay.

I don't know if just having a rhyme scheme is enough for the poem to be in the form forum. However, it's up to the moderators to make that call.

Mods - Is it okay? Would like to know for sure, for future reference. If it isn't okay, then this poem should be transferred to the Seren forum. Considering the minimal activity in the form forum of late, this may be a good thing.

Yet, I do see an alternate rhyme pattern plus a repeating refrain even though the refrain is not consistent through out the poem. So I'm wondering if both elements (refrain and rhyme scheme) are enough for it to remain in the form forum.

Beyond the question of where this belongs, this is a cool poem. I like the repeating refrains in the beginning of the poem and the message. I just wish the refrains and lines were more consistent for rhyme and rhythm sake. See below for more details:

For those who listen the world has music,

The lines with the "For those who"..refrains have a nice rhythm to it. It also keeps the syllable count consistent from 9 to 10 syllables, with a few exceptions.

However, I'd put a period instead of a comma after each line with this refrain.

for those who listen the world has song.

I'd choose another sense. You've covered hearing already. Again, make the line with the refrain a full sentence with a period at the end.

For those who listen the world will tell you
whenever its hurting and what is wrong.

I like these lines. I also like how it goes from a one line refrain to a two line one. It keeps it from becoming monotonous and keeps the poem moving. You should think about maintaining this pattern throughout the poem.

I'd also replace "listen" with "care" to change the focus from a passive act "listen" to something more active "care".

I think you mean "it's" not its.

For those who listen the Mother calls you,
she shares her bounty, she shares her joy
just open your eyes and see her glory,
embrace her substance with your employ.
For those who care the whole world around you is
a mere speck in the oceans of space,

Again, you should look into using the refrains in a definite pattern and not inconsistently. 1 line/1 line/2 lines. The above lines can be reformatted for that use. As it stands, it just sounds way off especially this line ..."the whole world around you is".

there are other planets and other systems
far, far away and not in our face.
Should we presume that they have no people,
should we presume we’re the only ones
that inhabit a planet or is that just arrogance?
Long before our lifetime - life had begun.

The turn from our world to other planets is distracting and decreases the power of the message from the lines above.

There is enough arrogance involving our planet to make this poem and thousands more. We are so arrogant of other species that we have literally wiped out hundreds of thousands of them and have endangered millions more which includes ourselves.

Luce

[Eisa]

Rhyming poetry has always been posted in this forum Luce, as it is a form as such. Also this one of Maureen's has a beautiful rhythm, which some rhyming poetry I've read have not.


For those who listen the world has music,
for those who listen the world has song.
For those who listen the world will tell you
whenever its hurting and what is wrong.
For those who listen the Mother calls you,
she shares her bounty, she shares her joy
just open your eyes and see her glory,
embrace her substance with your employ.
For those who care the whole world around you is
a mere speck in the oceans of space,
there are other planets and other systems
far, far away and not in our face.
Should we presume that they have no people,
should we presume we’re the only ones
that inhabit a planet or is that just arrogance?
Long before our lifetime - life had begun.

I really like this, Maureen - it has a philosophical feel to it and as I've said a beautiful rhythm when read aloud.

For those who care the whole world around you is

is the only line where your rhythm falters, but I'm sure can be corrected.

It's so good to see you posting, Maureen.

Eira

[Maureen]

Thanks Eira - I moved that sneaky 'is' word that had attached itself to the wrong line - I think it reads much better now. Pleased you liked it.

[Luce]

Maureen

Saw that you fixed that line with the "is". Line sounds better. However, you didn't fix the its/it's error.


Luce

[Psyche]

Hi Maureen!
Yes, the title fits humanity perfectly. And so little is being done, far too slowly. Sad. Some scientists report that the 'tipping point' has already been passed, humans have done so much damage that there's no going back. And it's all in the hands of the powerful, greedy few, who appear to be blinded.
Lovely poem, despite its message.
I see you've put **, so I'll make a scattering of light nits...LOL. I'm no expert in R&R.

ARROGANCE
Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet


For those who listen the world has music,
for those who listen the world has song.
For those who listen the world will tell you
whenever its hurting and what is wrong.<<<<<<< 'it's here.
For those who listen the Mother calls you,
she shares her bounty, she shares her joy
just open your eyes and see her glory,
embrace her substance with your employ.

Great lines. It's almost a plea to humanity, before the chiding that comes next. You could even leave a space here, making 2 stanzas. ToT!!


For those who care the whole world around you
is a mere speck in the oceans of space, <<<<<<<Maybe 'vastness of space'?

there are other planets and other systems
far, far away and not in our face.
Should we presume (that) they have no people, <<<<you can remove 'that' to make it flow better.

should we presume we’re the only ones
that inhabit a planet or is that just arrogance?<<<<<you could replace the 1st.'that' with 'who'.

Long before our lifetime - life had begun. <<<<This line could stand alone, for more emphasis. ToT!

Great piece, Maureen! It has good rhythm and profound meaning.
Syl