Gone, revised 11/7/07 Options

[JLY]

1st Revision: 11/7/07

GONE

I sought escape from loneliness,
to be a lover with prowess;
every temptress was fair game,
my passion to each I would proclaim.

Now and then, I'd protect, defend
these misses in a world without end.
Yet wistful longings daunted me...
fantasies sent me on a wanton spree.

Alas, one maiden, quite capricious,
I found to be deceptively delicious;
insatiable cravings, morning and night
fulfilled my desire for playful delight.

In a golden notebook of leading ladies
she's at the top, my gleaming Mercedes.
Fires burnt out quickly, I became lost,
her token kiss akin to a lick of frost.

Her soul became cold to the core,
a detachment I couldn’t ignore;
my longing for tender understanding
was rejected as being too demanding.

Gone, baby, gone my romantic dreams,
this lustful soul no longer beams;
I stand on a bridge, wavering, high,
ready to bid life a final good-bye.

GONE

I sought an escape from loneliness,
imaging to be a lover with prowess;
every tempting woman was fair game,
to each, my passion I would proclaim.

Now and then, I’d protect and defend
these missies in my world without end,
but wistful longings always daunted me,
as I savored scotch in glasses of three.

Alas, only one maiden, a bit capricious,
I discovered to be deceptively delicious;
basic black her style, morning and night;
she was my fives wishes of playful delight.

In my golden notebook of leading ladies
she’s at the top, my gleaming Mercedes.
Fires burnt out quickly, I became lost,
a kiss from her was like a lick of frost.

Gone, baby, gone are my romantic dreams,
my lustful soul no longer proudly beams;
I stand on a bridge beyond, wavering high,
ready to bid my empty life a final good-bye.

[Alan]

Dear John,

I’m pleased that you have rejigged this to lessen the “challenge poem” feel of it, so I’m going to be very bold and change it even more, with various suggestions, to either tighten it, or to improve, in my opinion, the ba-dums.

Have a look at the offerings below, changes in caps, though some punct changes are not shown.

Adopt, adapt, or chuck !

Love
Alan

GONE

I sought escape from loneliness,
to be a lover with prowess.
EVERY temptRESS was fair game,
my passion to each I would proclaim.

Now and then I’d protect, defend
these misses in A world without end,
but wistful longings AYE daunted me,
as I savored scotch in glass OR three.

Alas, ONE maiden, QUITE capricious,
I FOUND to be SO MOST delicious;
basic black her style, morning NOON and night;
she’s my five wishes of playful delight.

In golden notebook of leading ladies
she’s the topS, my BRIGHT Mercedes.
Burnt out TOO FAST, I became lost,
HER kiss AKIN TO a lick of frost.

Gone, baby, gone, my romantic dreams,
THIS lustful soul no longer beams;
I stand on a bridge, wavering, high,
ready to bid life a final good-bye.

[JLY]

Alan,
Thanks so much. You have given this some fine tuning which on the surface appears to greatly improve this rustic piece. Challenge poems are sometimes hard to convert over into a polished gem, but your input gives me a great start.
JLY

[Alan]

Dear John,

I'm so glad you take this well - I always hesitate to dash into the middle of another's create, but sometimes it has to be done.

Enjoy the revising, I'll look forward to the end result.

Love
Alan

[JLY]

Alan,
You can jump in my poetic pool at anytime...if I didn't want comments, then I wouldn't post anything. Since I am making my postings public, I am asking for anyone to provide me with some lucid guidance to make my ideas more coherent.
JLY

[AMETHYST]

Hi John,

I felt the emotional tug on this, the temptation and the pulling toward tasting the candy - I've printed this out and must say, I haven't had much to jump out at me calling to be changed. But I can see some excellent lines and fresh end rhymes -


I'll return in a bit with a real critique, but didn't want to leave without saying I was here, and printed it out and will return with some thoughts...

Hugs, Liz

GREAT OFFERING!

[JLY]

Liz,
Thank you. Your thoughts are always welcome.
JLY

[AMETHYST]

Hi John,

I've returned. I took some time to look deep between the lines on this one as I keep getting a feeling that there is some layered messages here. First I wanted to commend the title. It is short, almost jab like and gives the sense of in an instant... which in a way, the poem alludes to as well -

In Stanza 1, the first few lines gives a very intense sense of sadness - I felt the words created a empathetic union between the poet and the reader, and perhaps some minor smoothing out of bumpiness (and reconsidering choice words) might emphasize this union.

Please take what helps and discard the rest...

Big Hugs and thoughts for you, Liz

GONE

I sought an escape from loneliness,
imaging to be a lover with prowess;
every tempting woman was fair game,
to each, my passion I would proclaim.

I like how L1 immediately takes the reader into a active part of emotional turmoil ... I would suggest omitting 'an' before escape... I sought escape from loneliness,'
In l2, I was wondering if you meant 'imagining' perhaps 'portraying the lover with prowess'
L3, to smooth out the glitch in the beginning line (I keep wanting to say 'and ev'ry tempting woman was fair game, )

Now and then, I’d protect and defend
these missies in my world without end,
but wistful longings always daunted me,
as I savored scotch in glasses of three.

Perhaps favored scotch. I was wondering if moving up but from L3 to L1, then putting a full stop at end of L2 and beginning L3 with ... Yet, wistful longings always daunted me, as I now favored scotch in glasses of three -

Alas, only one maiden, a bit capricious,
I discovered to be deceptively delicious;
basic black her style, morning and night;
she was my fives wishes of playful delight.

Some thoughts to consider to smooth out this 3rd stanza as well.

L1, I would omit 'only' before one ...
I found to be deceptively delicious;
as basic black, her style... morning and night,
became my fives wishes of playful delight.

In my golden notebook of leading ladies
she’s at the top, my gleaming Mercedes.
Fires burnt out quickly, I became lost,
a kiss from her was like a lick of frost.

L3, perhaps but fires burnt out quickly ...

Gone, baby, gone are my romantic dreams,
my lustful soul no longer proudly beams;
I stand on a bridge beyond, wavering high,
ready to bid my empty life a final good-bye.

The ending stanza is musical to my ear, sort of like a chant, a calling to her to return, for love or that time and place to return...

I enjoyed this ... very much ...

Hugs, Liz

[JLY]

Liz,
Thank you for offering very constructive comments. I am going to digest your recommendations and will be making some changes in the next few days.
You have provided me with some great ideas.

I am glad you liked the title...I wasn't sure about it at first, but I think it captures the main theme of this poem.

JLY

[AMETHYST]

Yes John

The title certainly does. I felt it quietly leads the reader into the pulp of the poem ... I will keep an eye on this and thank you for sharing.

Hugs, Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi John,

What an interesting poem - was this from a times ten?

I have a few ideas for some rhythm smoothing, but will reuwire some word swapping - would that be OK with you? I'll be back again tomorrow night.

TTYL
~Cleo

[JLY]

Lori,
This was a response to a Book Title Challenge. Feel free to jump in and twist some words around.
JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

OK - my first impressions on S1 & 2 for you to ponder over are:

I sought escape from loneliness,
to be a lover with prowess;
every temptress was fair game,
my passion to each them I would proclaim.

Now and then again, I'd protect{,} [and] defend
these misses in a world without end{.} [;]
Yet wistful longings[, they] daunted me...
fantasies sent me dominated on a wanton spree.

BBL!

[JLY]

Lori,
Thanks for your thoughts....since I am a morning person, and my mind is clear, your suggestions make sense to me.
JLY

[Guest_Don_*]

Speaking on your revision #1, very well done.

Don

[JLY]

Don,
Thank you; I received excellent assistance from the members here at MM.
JLY[color="#0000FF"][/color]