Fear of the Dark Options

[Guest__*]

Fear of the Dark (Revised, with new ending)


tick, tock,
tick, tock,
sounds the grandfather clock.

A breath on your shoulder,
your insides grow colder.

The clock continues to scream.

Afraid to stretch your hand
and frozen where you stand;

the pendulum swings.

The shadows threaten harm.
Goosebumps tickle the arm.

Things are not what they seem.

tick, tock,
tick, tock,
1 a.m. and nothing's well.

A tear trickles down,
not making a sound.

Floorboards creak.
You’re unable to speak.

Shadows dance about,
filling you with doubt.

Suddenly, Grandfather chimes,
seemingly a thousand times.

In unison, clock and human yell.



---------original-------------------



Fear of the Dark


tick, tock,
tick, tock,
screams the grandfather clock.

A breath on your shoulder,
your insides turn colder.

The clock continues to scream.

Afraid to stretch your hand,
and frozen where you stand,

still the pendulum swings.

The shadows threaten harm.
Goosebumps tickle the arm.

Things are not what they seem.

tick, tock,
tick, tock,
1 a.m. and nothing's well.

A tear trickles down,
not making a sound,

to burn in the depths of hell.

[Guest_Dove_*]

Atlantis---

what a great idea to write about. :pharoah2 i've attempted it before but never came out with anything like this. excellent work here. and i can't wait to read more!

Fear of the Dark

tick, tock,
tick, tock,
screams the grandfather clock.

I like how you use different sizes here for "tick" and "tock". and the title worked for me to.  

A breath on your shoulder,
your insides turn colder.

maybe a semi-colon after "shoulder"?

The clock continues to scream.

you've already used "scream" before. maybe "shriek" "shrill"?



A tear trickles down,
not making a sound,

to burn in the depths of hell.

this last line just didn't work for me. it seems too cliche and totally changed the meaning of the piece for me. it had a real sense to it. of sitting up at night, afraid to sleep because of those creaks and squeaks that keep us awake. then the last line made it seem not so real.

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi atlantis,

i really like this!  i like the way you build the suspense.  i felt frightened just reading it.

nicely done!

deb

[Guest__*]

Hello Dove,

Thanks for stopping in and offering your thoughts.  Let's see if I can address them.

Atlantis---

what a great idea to write about. :pharoah2 i've attempted it before but never came out with anything like this. excellent work here. and i can't wait to read more!

Fear of the Dark

tick, tock,
tick, tock,
screams the grandfather clock.

I like how you use different sizes here for "tick" and "tock". and the title worked for me to.  

----- I'm glad to hear that the font sizes worked.  I wasn't sure about that.

A breath on your shoulder,
your insides turn colder.

maybe a semi-colon after "shoulder"?

----- I considered the "semi" but the first line doesn't have a verb, so I didn't think there were two phrases to seperate.  I could definitely be wrong about that one, though.

The clock continues to scream.

you've already used "scream" before. maybe "shriek" "shrill"?

------- I wanted this to have that "old B horror movie feel" to it.  You know, the ones where they tape a short scene and use it three of four times in the middle of a longer scene.  That was the reason behind the repitition.

A tear trickles down,
not making a sound,

to burn in the depths of hell.

this last line just didn't work for me. it seems too cliche and totally changed the meaning of the piece for me. it had a real sense to it. of sitting up at night, afraid to sleep because of those creaks and squeaks that keep us awake. then the last line made it seem not so real.

--------- I understand completely.  Originally this ended after "1 a.m. and nothing's well".  But at the last second I threw those last three lines on (cliche and all) hoping to add to that old horror movie feel.  They always had cheesy endings, too.  I was afraid I had overdone it, though.  I may have to change it back.

Again, thank you for the gracious comments and the help,

Dan

[Guest__*]

hi atlantis,

i really like this!  i like the way you build the suspense.  i felt frightened just reading it.

nicely done!

deb

Why thank you very much, deb.

I'm so very glad you enjoyed, and were gracious enough to stop in and let me know.

Tootles,

Dan

[Guest__*]

Hi Dan

I hear the clock, seeming to tick so much more loudly in the dark. The quieter the night, the louder the clock sounds. Very good presentation.
Those phantoms stir in every corner of a darkened room. Never hang a shirt or a jacket on a door. The imagination can play havoc with your senses.   I like the couplets separated by a single line statement. Works for me.

A.

[Guest__*]

Hi Dan

I hear the clock, seeming to tick so much more loudly in the dark. The quieter the night, the louder the clock sounds. Very good presentation.
Those phantoms stir in every corner of a darkened room. Never hang a shirt or a jacket on a door. The imagination can play havoc with your senses.   I like the couplets separated by a single line statement. Works for me.

A.

Why thank you, A (hope you don't mind the abbreviated version of your name).

This was kinda intended to be a sarcastic knock on old American horror flics, but it ended up having a more serious tone to it.  I'm still not sure which way to go with it.

Alas, to be silly or spooky, that has always been my dilemma!

Dan

[Guest__*]

Abbreviate away Dan. I do it myself because I can't spell it right most of the time. Life gets quite hectic when my computer loses its cookies and I have to sign in again.

on old American horror flics,
Don't forget the Brits

Boris Karloff was a well known Mummy in these parts

A

[Guest__*]

Abbreviate away Dan. I do it myself because I can't spell it right most of the time. Life gets quite hectic when my computer loses its cookies and I have to sign in again.

on old American horror flics,
Don't forget the Brits

Boris Karloff was a well known Mummy in these parts

A

Let me rephrase that just a bit.  

American horror movies from the 70's and 80's.

I enjoyed Karloff and Hitchcock, and other such early horror movie icons that I couldn't even guess at their names.  That era of horror movie was great, IMO.  It was the cheesy titles such as "Friday the 13th" and "A Nightmare on Elm Street" that I was referring to.  They thought they could carry a horror flic purely on effects, when the very early ones knew they had to drive home a real story-line.

Just my personal opinion, of course.

Give me "The Blob" and tell Freddy Kreuger to find a new street, as far as I'm concerned.

Dan

[Guest__*]

Aha!  I remember those black and white movies, with the crackly hollow  sound tracks and grainy pictures. It doesn't bother me now, (I know about the garlic you see) but when I was a boy.
Wow!  
There was Bela Lugosi, the best Count Dracula ever.(Listen to the Children of the Night)  I wrote a poem about that.
Lon Chaney, the Man with a Thousand Faces who played the Wolf Man. He was an A1 kind of guy until the wolfbane bloomed. Then watch out.
Tod Slaughter was the Demon Barber of Fleet Street. I never had a haircut until I was eighteen. He also played the Spine Breaker.

Loads of others. Too many memories to mention.

A.

[Arnfinn]

Hi Dan


Hmmmmmm Build up to electric suspense.......specially.....the tears

burning in hell

Excellent.....the subject...........is a gonner


Reminds me of when I was a kid and I'd wake up after a nightmare...........

scared stiff.. I'd  lie in bed waiting for the first rooster to crow.... I was too frightened to go back to sleep.


Arnie

[Guest__*]

Hi Dan


Hmmmmmm Build up to electric suspense.......specially.....the tears

burning in hell

Excellent.....the subject...........is a gonner


Reminds me of when I was a kid and I'd wake up after a nightmare...........

scared stiff.. I'd  lie in bed waiting for the first rooster to crow.... I was too frightened to go back to sleep.


Arnie

Hello Arnie,

Sorry to be so long in replying (been out of town for a couple days).

I'm very glad you enjoyed this one and were kind enough to stop in and leave your thoughts.

Always appreciated,

Dan


PS-  Nightmares are still a very potent part of my life.  I kinda feel cheated on the nights I don't have them.  Weird, huh?

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Atlantis--wherever you may be.

A good presentation in this season of spook and lore.

I think I got my first impression of effectiveness of ticking time from Poe's "The Tell Tale Heart."  Hence, your pendulum device is more effective than a digital timepiece. Of all the means of keeping time, candle, water, sand, etc., none matches sound of mechanical escapement of verge and wheel to convey emotional passing of time.  

I also liked the bold to tell reader to raise voice to command attention.
To enhance this trope, perhaps the next line "scream" could be replaced with "yells" or "shouts" or "sounds" or "exclaims."  "Demands" or "commands" may be better fit.

For sure, delete "the" before "grandfather clock."

Is "still" needed in line nine?

Although I do not understand the seeming change of pace in last three lines, I do like the trope of "A tear trickles down" for metaphor of fear going to stomach.

The last line words of burn, depths and hell, link as a cliche.  Sometimes a cliche is best because escape is sealed.  Anyway, heartburn is equivalent to hell, no?

Happy haunting, Atlantis, Dan.

Don

[Guest__*]

Hi Atlantis--wherever you may be.

A good presentation in this season of spook and lore.

I think I got my first impression of effectiveness of ticking time from Poe's "The Tell Tale Heart."  Hence, your pendulum device is more effective than a digital timepiece. Of all the means of keeping time, candle, water, sand, etc., none matches sound of mechanical escapement of verge and wheel to convey emotional passing of time.

Yes, I also thought of Poe's work when using the "tick, tock".  I agree that, emotionally, mechanical clocks give the best  impression of time.

I also liked the bold to tell reader to raise voice to command attention.
To enhance this trope, perhaps the next line "scream" could be replaced with "yells" or "shouts" or "sounds" or "exclaims."  "Demands" or "commands" may be better fit.

I never considered changing "scream" in that line, and I like the idea.  I may very well go with "sounds".

For sure, delete "the" before "grandfather clock."

Personally, I'm not a minimalist and don't understand how deleting "the" in that line would help the poem.  In fact, I think it would hurt.  It would give the clock too much life, IMO.  I don't want the clock to actually live, but only to seem that at any moment it could come to life.  I hope that makes some sense.

Is "still" needed in line nine?

Good point.  Thanks and I will remove.

Although I do not understand the seeming change of pace in last three lines, I do like the trope of "A tear trickles down" for metaphor of fear going to stomach.

I've thought about this and decided I'm going to have to either redo those last three lines or get rid of them all together.  I hope to have a revision in the next day or two.  The poem took on a more serious tone than I intended and I think that I'll go ahead in that direction.

The last line words of burn, depths and hell, link as a cliche.  Sometimes a cliche is best because escape is sealed.  Anyway, heartburn is equivalent to hell, no?

Would that make TUMS heaven? ???

Happy haunting, Atlantis, Dan.

Don

Thanks, Don, for stopping in helping me out with this.  We'll see where this thing ends up, especially after you've pointed out a couple of new spots that need touching up.

Dan

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Dan!

This is really COOL!  :cool:  :grinning:  :viking:

I agree with everyone's comemnts thus far - the use of different font sizes adds to the appeal and the unspoken intentions here in a visual sense!  :StarWars1:

I lvoe a good spook! Did you know all this week AMC will be playing the (5) Halloween movies followed by some other 'spooked out' movies? Check it out!

Please see my comments below. BRAVO on the revised ending!
HUGAROOOS!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

Fear of the Dark (Revised, with new ending)

tick, tock,  Start with capital T please.
tick, tock,
sounds the grandfather clock.

A breath on your shoulder,
your insides turn colder.
A suggestion for aliteration - "your insides GROW colder"?

The clock continues to scream.
An idea here (in an oxymoronic way - add silent to scream. "The clock continues it's silent scream."

Afraid to stretch your hand
and frozen where you stand;

the pendulum swings.
GREAT META4444444's!

The shadows threaten harm.
Goosebumps tickle the arm.

Things are not what they seem.

tick, tock,  Start with capital T please.
tick, tock,
1 a.m. and nothing's well.

A tear trickles down,
not making a sound.

Floorboards creak.
You’re unable to speak.

Shadows dance about,
filling you with doubt.

Suddenly, old timepiece chimes,
seemingly a thousand times.

In unison, clock and human yell.

[Guest__*]

Hey Lori,

Thanks for jumping in to lend me a hand.  I'm very glad the revised ending works for you.  Let's see if I can address your suggestions:

tick, tock,  Start with capital T please.

-----I was afraid capping the first "tick" would take away from the changes in font sizes.  I know it's structurally incorrect, but I'll have to think on this one.

A breath on your shoulder,
your insides turn colder.
A suggestion for aliteration - "your insides GROW colder"?

------Me likey.  Will use.  Thankee :pharoah2

The clock continues to scream.
An idea here (in an oxymoronic way - add silent to scream. "The clock continues it's silent scream."

-------If I added "silent" here (while I think it fits nicely with the feel of the poem), I would be negating the effect of the opening "tick, tock, tick, tock".  I might lose a lot of the impact, and I'm afraid the rest of the poem can't carry the mood without it, IMO.

the pendulum swings.
GREAT META4444444's!

-----Why, thank you very much!


It's always good to see you in my threads.  I've got to find some time to do some critting myself.

Thanks for the help,

Dan

[Michelle]

Hi Dan,

I'm very glad to meet you.

This is a wonderful poem for the season.
You've done a great job with the revision.

You have gotten me anxious for goblins
and ghosts!  

I have enjoyed your poem, very much.


Michelle

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Atlantis, Dan,

You wrote:
Suddenly, old timepiece chimes,

How about:
Suddenly, grandfather chimes,

Your revision is also a pleasure to read.  

Don

[Guest__*]

Hi Dan,

I'm very glad to meet you.

This is a wonderful poem for the season.
You've done a great job with the revision.

You have gotten me anxious for goblins
and ghosts!  

I have enjoyed your poem, very much.


Michelle

Hello Michelle,

It's a pleasure to meet you as well.  Thank you for your warm welcome and stopping in to let me know you enjoyed this one.  

I'm glad to see the revision is going over well.  'Tis the season to be scared out of your wits. :)

Dan

[Guest__*]

Hi Atlantis, Dan,

You wrote:
Suddenly, old timepiece chimes,

How about:
Suddenly, grandfather chimes,

Your revision is also a pleasure to read.  

Don

You've come in with another great suggestion Don.

I've been looking for something to replace "old timepiece" with, but didn't want to use clock again.  Thanks.

I'm happy you like the revised ending.

Dan