An Unexpected Christmas Gift Options

[Thoth]

Ducking beneath windows, our patrol skilfully avoided detection
from inside the house. One last major hazard loomed–
the front veranda door. I kept lookout for danger as they dashed past,
singly to vanish into the welcoming shadows and lush foliage
of the great mulberry tree whose dropping branches
reached all the way to the down to the ground.

Then it was my turn. Seeing no movement beyond the open curtains,
I leopard-crawled across the lawn keeping close and low.
Sensing movement I instinctively froze, hoping any observer
would glance right over my head.

Behind the dark gauze fly-screens, almost above me,
a strangely familiar face materialized.
Intense blue eyes stared out from an expression of
amused detachment but I knew that this did not
necessarily mean detection, after all, I lay in deep shadow
from the overhanging roof.

How long I was thus transfixed, I have no idea,
it was a battle of willpower but eventually a brief smile
creased the corners of her eyes and she lowered her gaze
to whatever work lay on her lap. Perhaps she had been merely
watching a Heuglins Robin feeding her chicks in the prickly pear hedge.

Threat over, I took my cue and slipped quickly away after the others.

Concealed by the mulberry tree at the end of the lawn,
low fences guarded the vegetable patch with its abundance of
juicy red tomatoes and green runner-beans.
Rows of sweet carrots and spicy radishes lay
between the cabbages and spinach,
but this was not our destination today.

Beyond the vegetable patch a large buffalo-thorn rose
from dense bush thicket behind which flowed
the forbidden irrigation furrow over its bed of shale stone.
The other children were already at play in our “enchanted forest”
and I quickly explored the potential of the red clay-bank,
building roads and gouging tunnels for dinky trucks and cars.
Once more I became the construction engineer,
the planner of model towns,
builder of dams, boats and tree-forts.

Then, sounds of a busy household intruded
and my forest scene faded away. Elizabeth’s voice called me
and reality displaced dreamland as I opened my eyes
to the sight of mangoes glowing in the afternoon light and the
smell of roasting meat.

The cherished image of Mother’s knowing smile from fifty years ago
lingered with me the rest of Christmas day.


© WW Schwim 25 December 2009

[Maggie]

Hello Wally,

Christmas day is a great catalyst for memories, isn't it? I truly enjoyed your nostalgic recollection of a childhood memory!!! I do have a question about that recollection though, and I believe a simple added word or two might clarify what bothered me.

I copied the last two stanzas and paste them below:


Then, sounds of a busy household intruded
and my forest scene faded away. Elizabeth’s voice called me
and reality displaced dreamland as I opened my eyes
to the sight of mangoes glowing in the afternoon light and the
smell of roasting meat.

The cherished image of Mother’s knowing smile from fifty years ago
lingered with me the rest of Christmas day.


When I first read these two last stanzas, I thought the foregoing stanzas were just a dream you had as a child during an afternoon nap. The use of the word "dreamland" in the segment gave me this inaccurate assumption, I believe. Perhaps using "reverie" instead of "dreamland" might make it easier for your readers to get the true picture of what is going on: You've been remembering not dreaming. Another slight change might help to clarify this a bit more. You say, "Then, sounds of a busy household intruded." If you add "today's" and take out "a" then it would seem to be crystal clear, to my mind at least, that you've been lost in the past, not in a dream. I suggest saying, " Then sounds of today's busy household intruded on the distant past."

Wally, just my own take on this lovely reminiscence. Perhaps your others readers will not see the need for these minute additions, and if that is the case I'd just chalk my suggestion to "not needed." Whatever you do, I enjoyed!!!

Peggy

[Siren]

Hello Wally,

First of all, Happy Holidays to you and yours...

This reads more like prose than a poem. You have some great descriptions but I do love "leopard-crawled" in S2... brilliant imagery.

Personally I would nip off some parts... but that is just my preference.

for example in S2 you could stick to leopard-crawled for the image... saying keeping close and low is redundant.

and in S6... "large buffalo-thorn" no need for large. buffalo-thorn says it all.

Just quick thoughts... ofcourse for you to take or toss.

Revisiting a special time in one's life is gift, and a blessing.

Dani

[Maggie]

Wally,

Just for the record, I whole heartedly believe Scarab's remarks are in no way whatsoever any kind of even remotely accurate assessment of this fine work!



Peggy

[Thoth]

Dear Peggy and Dani,
Thanks for your comments.

This was a quick sketch of an actual dream I had on my Christmas afternoon nap. As with all dreams, they fade quickly and need to be recorded immediately so the prose is as imperfect as the dream.

To me, the most interesting parts are;

a. The chronological gap which took me back to an age of around 7 years old.
b. The insight that Mother knew all the time that we played in the "forbidden" irrigation furrow but allowed us the illusion of doing so in secret.
c. The details of the dream match very well with those of my memories with the exception of the "Enchanted forest" which never existed in reality yet did perhaps in the imagination of the children.

Possibly there is a real poem lurking in there somewhere - waiting to be released. Time shall tell. If so, I shall take your comments into consideration.

The Buffalo thorn usually manifests as scrub thicket in the semi-desert outskirts of the Kalahari where I grew up but when ample water is available such as beside an irrigation furrow it grows into a sizable tree.

Hugz,

Wally

[Thoth]

Dear Scarab,
(We have plenty of those in Africa. They are metallic coloured beetles that feed exclusively on the excrement of all higher animals.

“ I'm the sort of bloke who has little time for personal sentiment in poetry”

Personally, until you have proved to me you are in fact a poet, I would prefer that you kindly abstain from making any further inane useless comments on my postings.

Good day.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Wally, I enjoyed the read of your dream/memory. I definetly think there is a poem in there. This might be considered prose poetry...I am not one to judge that. I know that I enjoyed your thoughts no matter what the format. I've not heard of buffalo thorn so had no idea wether it should be large or small, by you indicating it was large I assumed that it might be normally small. I would definately go through this carefully wit a trim and see what might unfold. I will be back to read again my friend.


Steve

[Siren]

Hey Wally,

Thanks for the explanation and for taking me into the route of your favorite parts in this poem. I truly enjoyed reading it and perhaps a little of editting and not much snipping will keep the memorical and dreamy side of this... I now understand why you said large buffalo-thorn. Despite that enlightenment, I still feel u can remove "large" or find some other word. I would really love to see this grow into more... so much potential...

again thanks for the read Wally....

Hugs
Dani

[Psyche]

I second that, Peggy. Have a little patience, we're doing what we can, since Lori appears to be away. Will PM you!

Wally,

Just for the record, I whole heartedly believe Scarab's remarks are in no way whatsoever any kind of even remotely accurate assessment of this fine work!



Peggy