Li Po Walks the Length of Star River*** Options

[RC James]

Ah, moon my home, give me my shadow,
my friends are here, we three will dance,
drink wine, temple bells in the distance.

Clear in mind the Buddha realm,
kalpas, million year cycles, begin
and end in an instant, a dream.

I’ll wake to all in the shine of Star River;
on the mountain every star in one meets,
earth’s powers hidden to us, but still ours.

I embraced the moon’s reflection but did not drown,
I woke to an endless stream, cosmos flowing
suspended between loss and bright renewal,

Nowhere, everywhere, I’m shining home.



(original)
Moon my home, give me my shadow,
my friends are here, we three will dance,
drink wine, temple bells in the distance.

Clear in mind all of the Buddha realm,
kalpas, 4,320,000 year cycles, begin
and end in an instant, life a dream.

I’ll wake to all in the shine of Star River;
on the mountain every star in one meets,
the earth’s powers hidden to us, but ours.

I embraced the moon, but did not drown,
I woke to an endless stream, cosmos flowing
Suspended between loss and bright renewal,

I’m nowhere, everywhere, I’m shining home.

[Luce]

Richard,

You didn't put stars on your poem so I don't know the level of crit, I should offer.

[greenwich]

Very interesting and stimulating.This poem feels very authenic and makes me want to read more about such poetry I picture rice paper and river dolphins A big thanks for this poem.

[Luce]

I'm assuming you mean Li Po, a poet writing in the Tang Dynasty. If so, it's a fitting tribute to Li Po, aka Li Bai. I like the indirect/direct references to reincarnation, the concept of emptiness and nirvana. The poem does need some minor tweaking. Nothing you can't handle. As always, it's TOT. Tashi delek.

Luce

Li Po walks Star River.

I kind of dislike this deliberate omission of articles. It’s too much of a reminder of how Hollywood portrayed an Asian character. With this in mind, may I suggest that you please put “the” before Star River in the title.

Moon my home, give me my shadow,
my friends are here, we three will dance,
drink wine, temple bells in the distance.

L1 – “Moon my home” has an unfortunate association involving purposely exposing one’s bare butt at someone or something else to express distain. Easy fix, add “The” before moon.

L2 – Not sure which three friends you actually mean? Is it the moon, shadows and the N? If so, you should fix L1 to indicate the moon is a friend and not just a place to the N or rather to Li Po whose voice you're using.

L3 – This is an opportunity to add a little local color here. Maybe “sing the old songs” as oppose to “dance”. Maybe “drink plum wine” as oppose to “drink wine”. Maybe say “with the temple bells sounding in the distance” or some other form of location imagery as oppose to just “temple bells in the distance".

Clear in mind all of the Buddha realm,
kalpas, 4,320,000 year cycles, begin
and end in an instant, life a dream.

L4 – Not sure who should be clearing his/her mind. Is it the N or is he suggesting this to the reader? It would be more appropriate to say “the six realms of existence” or “the six domains of desire” or simply “the six realms”. Saying “Buddha realm” infers that there is a special realm of the Buddha.

L5 – I would just say kalpas. You can offer a brief explanation of what a kalpa is as a footnote. It just seems to take up space. And, you can use the space to put something else or you can use the space for the suggestion listed for L6 directly below.

L6 – The phrase -“life a dream” – I see as a reference to the concept of emptiness in Buddhism. However, you should flesh it out. Avoid the resemblance to “life is but a dream”. Another simple option is deleting the phrase, since explaining the concept of emptiness in a few words, will be challenging.

I’ll wake to all in the shine of Star River;
on the mountain every star in one meets,
the earth’s powers hidden to us, but ours.

L7 –.Can you please put “the” before Star River.
L7 – L9 – Not quite sure what these lines mean. You may want to clarify.

I embraced the moon, but did not drown,
I woke to an endless stream, cosmos flowing
Suspended between loss and bright renewal,

L10 – I read the legend concerning his death in Wikipedia. With that in mind, instead of just saying “but I did not drown” you can add to the metaphor and say “but I did not drown in its reflection”. Otherwise, the metaphor kind of leaves you hanging.

Can’t tell if this is a period or a comma at the end of L10. My spell check “underlining feature” is obscuring it. If that’s a comma then cool for it can be linked to L11 in the way shown below.

L11- I think you can get away with deleting “I after flowing. I’d put a period after “flowing”.

L12 - What you’re describing is Nirvana but you’re mixing it with elements of reincarnation. Therefore, I would say “above” as oppose to “between” and put “greed, hatred and delusion forever” as oppose to “loss, and bright renewal.” Reaching Nirvana just means that you’ve escaped the bonds of greed, aversion and delusion”. It can also be reached when you’re alive, usually after reaching enlightenment.

I’m nowhere, everywhere, I’m shining home.

L12 – I don’t think you need L12. You’re really saying it in L11.

[Eisa]

Hi Richard,

I agree with Antony, this does sound very authentic and I really enjoyed the read.

Just a few points:

Moon my home, give me my shadow,
my friends are here, we three will dance,
drink wine, temple bells in the distance.

Clear in mind all of the Buddha realm,
kalpas, 4,320,000 year cycles, begin
and end in an instant, life a dream.

the mid line sounds a bit awkward to me. Do you have to give the exact figure - perhaps
kalpas, countless thousand year cycles

I’ll wake to all in the shine of Star River;
on the mountain every star in one meets,
the earth’s powers hidden to us, but ours.

I'm not clear about the ending of last line ..., but ours

I embraced the moon, but did not drown,
[I] and woke to an endless stream, cosmos flowing
Suspended between loss and bright renewal,

Perhaps 'and' to start middle line to avoid repetition of 'I'

I’m nowhere, everywhere, [I’m] shining home.

Perhaps the second I'm is not necessary?

Hope something here helps.
Eira

[Heather]

I like this very much. I like the simplicity and the depth. I'm not a big fan of omitting articles either, although I can see how it might be used to accentuate the theme. I do think the final line adds to the poem,though I agree the repetition of 'I'm' in the last line isn't necessary- however I would suggest that you omit the first 'I'm', instead of the second! Lots of food for thought on this poem, it seems.
Heather