A Deluge is not Enough Options

[RC James]

Two black suited men
on the thruway bridge
flail away at each other.
The downpour aggravates
and accelerates the battle.

Their shouts and curses,
in tongues too dark
for anyone to claim,
pour down, bounce
from car roofs to fenders,
whoosh away.

At a distance their dance
is an unlikely yo-yo.
They draw together, then back,
pause in a verbal chess match,
beards dripping
over the next move.

Out a broad window,
the bridge in sight,
a voice behind the bar:

I’m off for home now,
don’t let either of the bastards in.”

[Luce]

I was about to sign off for the night but saw this little gem. Cool!!!!

I can picture the fight easily. Better yet, you gave the reader two views of the fight. One is a close up which shows the rage. The other is a distant view which matches the cold/emotionally distant remarks in the pub.

Luce

Two black suited men
on the thruway bridge
flail away at each other.
The downpour aggravates
and accelerates the battle.

Opening stanza sets up the setting, tension and pace well.

Their shouts and curses,
in tongues too dark
for anyone to claim,
pour down, bounce
from car roofs to fenders,
whoosh away.

Great metaphors here: "tongues too dark to claim"/"shouts and curses....pour down, bounce from car roofs to fenders whoosh away". Love that word "whoosh". It comes back to the rain.


At this distance their dance
is an unlikely yo-yo.
They draw together, then back,
pause in a verbal chess match,
beards dripping
over the next move.

You may want to say "at a distance" instead.

Out a broad window,
the bridge in sight,
a voice behind a pint:

I love how you always remind the reader where the action is taking place.
Would change "voice behind a pint" to "a voice behind the bar" for the suggested ending below.

“Tie it to the upheavals you can,
Individuals cowering
at their own shadow, waylaid
by certain memory, gone within.
I’m off home now,
don’t let either of the bastards in.”

Okay. Here is my only big nit. The first line of this stanza seems unfinished. Don't know if you need to even give a reason why they are fighting. Would suggest that you leave it with this ending.

"I'm off (for) home now.
Don't let either of the bastards in."

I think this ending better shows the two extremes here. Intense anger between the fighters vs inferred indifference in the pub.

Nicely done.

Luce

[RC James]

Luce - Yes, I think that does work better. Thanks, R

[greenwich]

This poem is well conveyed. The ending is great. It brings home the horror of these two ruffians unleashing their toxicity further into an alcohol zone. The response is tired and tested. Please Lord not here . Powerful title

[Luce]

Luce - Yes, I think that does work better. Thanks, R

Good.

In the end, it's what advances the poem in the direction you wish that matters.


Luce

[Eisa]

Hi Richard,

I always enjoy the action in your poems and this does not disappoint!

I see nothing to nit here - except perhaps this line

I’m off for home now,

'off for' is a bit of a tongue twister of f's, perhaps

I'm going home would give a smoother sound

Much to like here. I particularly like this stanza - wonderful descriptions

At a distance their dance
is an unlikely yo-yo.
They draw together, then back,
pause in a verbal chess match,
beards dripping
over the next move.


Eira