Confession of a Dying Yak Herder***- Revision III, formerly entitled Confession of a lapse Buddhist Options

[Luce]

Confession of a Dying Yak Herder - Revision III

There are times when I stomp
my clay feet and shout, “Not Yet!"

The dris need milking
and the herd taken
to their summer pastures.

For even if, what they say is true
that we are reborn and reborn
in countless suffering forms,
then forgive me teacher
for being frugal.

I wish to stay with this life,
at least one shearing time more.

For it is this one that I feel only
like the rich milk tea that fills
my spirit or the heat of my loving
wife’s body next to me.

I confess then, that I will
cling to this life, by its long
dragging sleeve, until it shakes
me loose and walks away scolding,
“Shame on you!”

Luce


Note: Dris – female yaks / Lama means teacher



Thanks to RC James poem “Li Po Walks the Length of Star River” and Syl’s poem “The Goatherd” for inspiring this poem.

Confession of a lapse Buddhist - Revision II

There are times when I stomp
my clay feet and shout, “Not Yet!”
The dris need milking and the herd taken
to their summer places.

And even if, what they say is true
that we are reborn and reborn
in countless suffering forms,
then forgive me teacher
for being frugal. I wish to stay
with this life, at least,
ten shearing times more.

For it is this one that I feel only
like the warm milk tea that fills
my belly, as I trek with my beasts
through the mountain passes
and toward the markets of Nepal.

And so, I confess
I will cling to this life,
by its long wide sleeve,
until it shakes me loose
and walks away scolding,
“Shame on you!”


Note: Dris – female yaks / Lama - means teacher

Confession of a lapse Buddhist - Revision

"Yes"! There are times when I say "NO",
stomp my clay feet and shout, “NOT YET!
The dris need milking and the herd taken
to their summer places

And even if, what the lamas say is true
that we are reborn and reborn and reborn,
then forgive me teacher for being frugal.
I wish to stay with this life,
at least ten shearing times more.

For it is this one that I feel only,
like the warm milk tea that fills
my belly, as I trek with my beasts
through the Himalaya
and toward the markets of Nepal.

And so, I confess,
I will cling to this life,
by its long dragging sleeve,
until it shakes me loose
and walks away scolding,
“Shame on you!”



dris are female yaks
Lama means spiritual teacher so teacher, in this case, refers to the lama.

Confession of a lapse Buddhist

Yes! There are times when I say NO,
stomp my clay feet and shout, “NOT YET!
The dris need milking and the herd taken
to their summer places

And even if, what the lamas say is true
that we are reborn and reborn and reborn,
then forgive me teacher for being frugal.
I wish to stay with this life,
at least ten shearing times more.

For it is this one that I feel only
like the warm milk tea that fills
my belly, as I trek with my beasts
through the Himalaya and toward
the wool markets of Nepal.

And so, I confess,
I will cling to this life,
by its long dragging sleeve,
until it shakes me loose
and walks away scolding,
“Shame on you!”



dris are female yaks
Lama means spiritual teacher so teacher, in this case, refers to the lama.

[Heather]

I really like the concept behind this poem- bringing forth the conflict between the spiritual life and the mundane.
I'm not convinced by the Yes!/NO,/NOT YET!, firstly for the inconsistent punctuation (you quoted the not yet, but not the no) but also because the capitals put me off. It makes sense for what you are trying to convey, but these days it's seems juvenile to me, like the teenagers have co-opted that use... Could just be me, though.
I really enjoyed the second stanza, but was disappointed by the word 'frugal', as it really lacks the idea of 'fully' or 'deeply' and sounds like the N would prefer one superficial life to a series of lives.
But I think the real problem is with the third stanza. This is the soul of the poem, and I think your description here needs to reach a haiku quality, a transcendent natural moment. I think all of the heat of the poem must come from those lines.
I like the final stanza, love the image of the sleeve, but I think the ending would be improved if you didn't give Life a voice, but rather:
Walks away ashamed (of me)

And, in fact, maybe using something with more punch than 'walks'
Hope this helps,
Heather

[Luce]

Heather - Thanks for the feedback.

Luce

I really like the concept behind this poem- bringing forth the conflict between the spiritual life and the mundane.

I'm not convinced by the Yes!/NO,/NOT YET!, firstly for the inconsistent punctuation (you quoted the not yet, but not the no) but also because the capitals put me off. It makes sense for what you are trying to convey, but these days it's seems juvenile to me, like the teenagers have co-opted that use... Could just be me, though.

Sorry you're put off by the caps. I'll fix the punctuation.

I really enjoyed the second stanza, but was disappointed by the word 'frugal', as it really lacks the idea of 'fully' or 'deeply' and sounds like the N would prefer one superficial life to a series of lives.

This is exactly the idea I wish to convey.


But I think the real problem is with the third stanza. This is the soul of the poem, and I think your description here needs to reach a haiku quality, a transcendent natural moment. I think all of the heat of the poem must come from those lines.

I can cut it down a notch, make it less National Geographic.

I like the final stanza, love the image of the sleeve, but I think the ending would be improved if you didn't give Life a voice, but rather:
Walks away ashamed (of me)

And, in fact, maybe using something with more punch than 'walks'

Sorry you don't like the final lines.

Hope this helps,
Heather

[Eisa]

Hi Luce,

I like the idea of this one - an original write. On first read I have a few thoughts below:

"Yes"! There are times when I say "NO",
stomp my clay feet and shout, “NOT YET!
The dris need milking and the herd taken
to their summer places

I'm not too keen on the words in capitals. Yes, capitals show that you are shouting, but you already let us know,' I stomp my feet and shout'

And even if, what the lamas say is true
that we are reborn and reborn and reborn,
then forgive me teacher for being frugal.
I wish to stay with this life,
at least ten shearing times more.

lama is a spiritual teacher, so 'teacher' in L3 is unnecessary

Instead of 'reborn and reborn ad reborn' perhaps 'reborn continuously' or something similar

For it is this one that I feel only,
like the warm milk tea that fills
my belly, as I trek with my beasts
through the Himalaya
and toward the markets of Nepal.

And so, I confess,
I will cling to this life,
by its long dragging sleeve,
until it shakes me loose
and walks away scolding,
“Shame on you!”

I Like the 'long dragging sleeve' image

Eira

[Luce]

Eira - Thanks for dropping by and providing some great feedback. Already posted a revision incorporating some of your suggestions, as well as Heather's.

Luce

Hi Luce,

I like the idea of this one - an original write. On first read I have a few thoughts below:

I'm not too keen on the words in capitals. Yes, capitals show that you are shouting, but you already let us know,' I stomp my feet and shout'.

Another "no" for the caps. Okay, so noted. Posted a revision with no caps. You made a good point about me already saying that I'm shouting.

lama is a spiritual teacher, so 'teacher' in L3 is unnecessary.

I wanted to clearly show that the N was speaking to someone. Therefore, I took out the direct reference to the "lamas" in S2L3 and made it an indirect reference so I can use the word "teacher" in S2L4.

Instead of 'reborn and reborn ad reborn' perhaps 'reborn continuously' or something similar.

I changed the wording about the reincarnations. Hopefully, gave more of a reason why the N fears it.

Luce

Eira

[Luce]

After giving the offered suggestions a deeper think, I made some additional revisions.

I also changed the title to better reflect the poem.

Luce

[Psyche]

Hi Luce,
Yes, the title is better now, tho' I confess I only just came here and read your revision. Been away from MM.
BTW, in English one puts Caps on all the 'big' words, or else just a Cap for the first word.
Yak Herder looks wrong after 'dying'.

Confession of a dying Yak Herder - Revision III

There are times when I stomp
my clay feet and shout, “Not Yet <<<<no need to Cap 'yet'. I liked the exclamation mark you had after "Not yet!"
to the end of my life.” <<<<in which case you'd have to remove the inverted commas after life. ToT!

The dris need milking
and the herd taken
to their summer pastures. <<<<<Nice imagery, Luce.

For even if, what they say is true
that we are reborn and reborn
in countless suffering forms,
then forgive me teacher
for being frugal. <<<<<'Lama' has disappeared. A shame. Maybe use Lama instead of teacher, as you've explained it in your footnote.

I wish to stay with this life,
at least one shearing time more. <<<<Yep! Like this.I'm OK with 'frugal', as I understand it to mean that it's wasteful to have so many lives.

For it is this one that I feel only
like the rich milk tea that fills
my spirit or the heat of my loving
wife’s body next to me. <<<<<Lovely.

I confess then, that I will
cling to this life, by its long
dragging sleeve, until it shakes
me loose and walks away scolding,
“Shame on you!”

Your ending is both amusing and profound. I wonder whether one has any choice, in this kind of belief? He'll be back, methinks... 'long dragging sleeve' is cool. Tx for sharing, Luce. And I see that you were inspired by my 'The Goatherd'! I'm honoured.
BTW, if you do change a word or two, just put a footnote. No need to re-post again!


Luce


Note: Dris – female yaks / Lama means teacher



Thanks to RC James poem “Li Po Walks the Length of Star River” and Syl’s poem “The Goatherd” for inspiring this poem.

Confession of a lapse Buddhist - Revision II

There are times when I stomp
my clay feet and shout, “Not Yet!”
The dris need milking and the herd taken
to their summer places.

And even if, what they say is true
that we are reborn and reborn
in countless suffering forms,
then forgive me teacher
for being frugal. I wish to stay
with this life, at least,
ten shearing times more.

For it is this one that I feel only
like the warm milk tea that fills
my belly, as I trek with my beasts
through the mountain passes
and toward the markets of Nepal.

And so, I confess
I will cling to this life,
by its long wide sleeve,
until it shakes me loose
and walks away scolding,
“Shame on you!”


Note: Dris – female yaks / Lama - means teacher

Confession of a lapse Buddhist - Revision

"Yes"! There are times when I say "NO",
stomp my clay feet and shout, “NOT YET!
The dris need milking and the herd taken
to their summer places

And even if, what the lamas say is true
that we are reborn and reborn and reborn,
then forgive me teacher for being frugal.
I wish to stay with this life,
at least ten shearing times more.

For it is this one that I feel only,
like the warm milk tea that fills
my belly, as I trek with my beasts
through the Himalaya
and toward the markets of Nepal.

And so, I confess,
I will cling to this life,
by its long dragging sleeve,
until it shakes me loose
and walks away scolding,
“Shame on you!”



dris are female yaks
Lama means spiritual teacher so teacher, in this case, refers to the lama.

Confession of a lapse Buddhist

Yes! There are times when I say NO,
stomp my clay feet and shout, “NOT YET!
The dris need milking and the herd taken
to their summer places

And even if, what the lamas say is true
that we are reborn and reborn and reborn,
then forgive me teacher for being frugal.
I wish to stay with this life,
at least ten shearing times more.

For it is this one that I feel only
like the warm milk tea that fills
my belly, as I trek with my beasts
through the Himalaya and toward
the wool markets of Nepal.

And so, I confess,
I will cling to this life,
by its long dragging sleeve,
until it shakes me loose
and walks away scolding,
“Shame on you!”



dris are female yaks
Lama means spiritual teacher so teacher, in this case, refers to the lama.

[Heather]

I love the revision, partially because I like watching the process and I like reading your feedback on the feedback (normally I would hate that, but you are always respectful and you tend to discuss your process rather than just saying 'I wanted to say X) but mostly because the poem is so much stronger and clearer. I think the title change was perfect- not only because it sets the tone better, but it's an intriguing title that makes me want to read the poem.
I hate to say this but... you've made me have to admit that the ending was right. I'll take one for the team- it works perfectly the way it is (I'll cling to 'it works perfectly with the revised poem, now' but I'll try not to be petulant)
Thank you for sharing the whole thing.
Heather

[greenwich]

Compelling events and vows in the poem.
I like the course of life as much as the cause of its dedication

[Luce]

Syl, Heather & Anthony - Sorry for the late responses. Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad you all liked the poem.

Syl -

Re the caps in the title - Actually, I really need to capitalize Dying. In a title, every word is capitalized except for the "short" ones, unless it is the first word in the title. Therefore, words like at of, the and, etc., are not capitalized.

I'll correct the "Not yet!" part since this is a line in the poem itself.

Posting revisions - If the change is a minor one and the poem has not yet been crit, then yeah, I'll sneak in a minor change. However, I don't like to do that as a rule. Besides, I usually change more than one thing. Anything involving a word change, I prefer to post as a revision. The revisions also show the progression of a poem.

Lama or teacher - Teacher is less formal than lama. I also wanted to imply a closer/trusted relationship between the N and the lama.

Heather -

Thanks for rethinking that last line. I'm glad you saw what I was trying to get at.

Anthony -

Yes. Our beliefs and how it works in real life can conflict.

[Eisa]

Hi Luce,

I thought I'd call back to see your revisions. I like revision 3 very much and the title too (tells us more about the man)

Confession of a dying Yak Herder - Revision III

There are times when I stomp
my clay feet and shout, “Not Yet!"

Good introductory stanza

The dris need milking
and the herd taken
to their summer pastures.

For even if, what they say is true
that we are reborn and reborn
in countless suffering forms,
then forgive me teacher
for being frugal.

I wish to stay with this life,
at least one shearing time more.

For it is this one that I feel only
like the rich milk tea that fills
my spirit or the heat of my loving
wife’s body next to me.

I like the change to the milk filling the spirit and the mention of his wife

I confess then, that I will
cling to this life, by its long
dragging sleeve, until it shakes
me loose and walks away scolding,
“Shame on you!”

Yes - you have tightened this up well.

Looking forward to your next!

Eira

[Luce]

Thanks Eisa.

I'm glad you liked the revision.

As soon as the ones I have on this forum goes down a bit, I'll post a new poem in the metered forum.

I don't like to have so many in the board at once.

Luce

[Psyche]

Came back to see your revisions, Luce. All's well now.
Sorry the Lama had to go, but I read your explanation and accept it.

I didn't tell you to Cap all the words in your title. I just said 'Dying'! I know about what you refer to as 'little words'...LOL.
BTW, can you Cap 'dying' in Revision III, not just at the top? And perhaps remove Lama in your latest footnote.

I look forward to more of your poems, Luce. Herme's is very quiet, good idea to go there! I still have to do my own revisions, in both forums.

Syl

[Luce]

Came back to see your revisions, Luce. All's well now.
Sorry the Lama had to go, but I read your explanation and accept it.

I didn't tell you to Cap all the words in your title. I just said 'Dying'! I know about what you refer to as 'little words'...LOL.

I didn't read your suggestion that way. It sounded as if you objected to the capitalization of Yak Herder.

"BTW, in English one puts Caps on all the 'big' words, or else just a Cap for the first word.
Yak Herder looks wrong after 'dying'."

Also, I said "short words" not "little" words. That's the term used in the capitalization title rule.

No matter, I missed capitalizing "dying" above the poem itself. It's been corrected.

BTW, can you Cap 'dying' in Revision III, not just at the top?

Done

And perhaps remove Lama in your latest footnote.

Sorry, not removing the footnote about the lama being a "spiritual" teacher. Don't want readers to think the Yak Herder is confessing to a regular teacher.[/b]

I look forward to more of your poems, Luce. Herme's is very quiet, good idea to go there! I still have to do my own revisions, in both forums.

Maybe too quiet. Not enough people visit "Herme" but I need the meter practice. Hopefully, I'll have enough crits to warrant putting a poem in there.

Syl