The Three Bears, 600 words Options

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Revision 30th March

The Three Bears’ Outreach

Once upon a time two furry, gentle bears lived in harmony, cheerfully walking through the woods. Eventually, Baby Bear was born and Mama and Papa Bear settled in a cottage in the heart of their forest.

Baby Bear was a joy – climbing and cuddling, rolling and running. Mama and Papa Bear were very content until one day …

“Just look at that peeling plaster,” Papa said. “We will have to fix that before Winter.”

So Mama fetched a ladder, Papa mixed plaster and they repaired all the holes. “That should last a while,” said Papa, with satisfaction, as he descended the ladder.

Mama clapped her paws. “It looks like new. Now, what colour shall we paint it?”

☺ ☺ ☺

Baby Bear grew into a strong, boisterous yet loving youngster. He learned the ways of woodland bears and one day he was invited to a Young Bears’ Conference far away in the Big Mountains. He came back full of ideas.

“Mama, we should treat bees better – stop ripping them off.”

“What a sweet idea, Son.”

“Papa, let’s free those caged salmon in the river.”

“Kind idea, Son; wild ones are so rare these days.”

“Mama, Papa … why do we have bare plaster on our walls?”

“Because we’re Bears, son,” growled his parents. Indeed, for many years they had discussed possible colours for the cottage without discerning any conclusion. Mama wanted cream, while Papa, who had a sweet tooth, favoured honey.

“How about some Outreach?” suggested Baby Bear. “I have heard that sometimes small girls get lost in the forest, taking baskets of flowers to their grandmothers, and might need a safe house to stay in until a brave woodsman rescues them.”

“Well …” Baby Bear’s parents scratched their furry pates. “So long as we aren’t mistaken for The Big Bad Wolf: small girls are his territory, you know.”

“Live adventurously,” Baby Bear reminded them. “Hey, how about salmon pink for the cottage?”

“Far too frivolous!” His parents shook their heads and hastily changed the subject back to Outreach. They decided that as lost little girls were rare – the Big Bad Wolf being rather more pro-active in his interpretation of Outreach – they would not need a purpose-built centre but could merely alter accessibility to existing structures.

“We’ll replace our stairs with a ladder and trapdoor,” suggested Mama. So the stairs were demolished and a precipitous, wolf-baffling ladder installed.

“How will they find us?” asked Baby Bear.

“Gosh, I hadn’t thought of that.” Papa frowned. “We should leave signs along forest trails.”

“Humans can’t read bear language,” Baby pointed out. “They don’t smell the message: they are too busy fussing at what they’ve trodden in.”

“Ah, of course.” Mama nodded. “And human writing won’t work: little girls might be too young to read or too poor to attend school.”

“I have it!” Papa cried. “We could spread the idea around town. How about a story that the children can pass amongst themselves – word of mouth?”

“Nah, too slow,” said Baby. “We’re in the information age – I’ll put an ad on our web-site.”

“We’ll have food available,” Mama was enthusiastic.

“Yes,” Papa agreed, “something anyone can eat…vegetarian…cholesterol-free….”

“Oh dear….” Mama said.

“I’ve got it!” Baby waved his copy of The Bare Chef at them: “Porridge!”

“Yes!” cried Mama and Papa, embracing.

“And,” Baby added, “we can leave the plaster bare.”




Original: The Three Bears’


Once upon a time two furry, gentle Bears lived in harmony, cheerfully walking through the woods. Eventually, Baby Bear was born and Mama and Papa Bear decided to settle in a cottage in the heart of their forest.

Baby Bear was a joy, climbing and cuddling, rolling and running. Mama and Papa Bear were very content until one day …

“Just look at that peeling plaster,” Papa said, gazing up at the wall. “We will have to fix that before the winter arrives.”

So Mama fetched the ladder, Papa mixed the plaster and they repaired the holes. “That should last a while,” said Papa with satisfaction as he descended the ladder after the last cracks were filled.

Mama clapped her paws. “It looks like new. Now, what colour shall we paint it?”

☺ ☺ ☺

Baby Bear grew into a strong, boisterous yet loving youngster. He learned the ways of bears in the woods and one day he was invited to a Young Bear Conference far away in the Big Mountains. He came back full of Big Ideas.

“Mama, we should treat the bees better; stop ripping them off.”

“I’d never thought about that, Son; what a sweet idea.”

“Papa, Let’s free those caged salmon in the River.”

“Kind idea, Son; the wild ones are getting rare these days.”

“Mama, Papa … why do we have bare plaster on our walls?”

“Because we’re Bears, son,” growled his parents. Indeed, for many years they had discussed the colour-to-be of the cottage but not reached any conclusion. Mama wanted cream, while Papa, who had a sweet tooth, favoured honey.

“How about some outreach?” suggested Baby Bear. “I have heard that sometimes small girls get lost in the forest – taking baskets of flowers to sick grandmothers – and might need a safe house to rest in until the brave Woodsman rescues them.”

“Well …” Baby Bear’s parents scratched their furry pates, “So long as we don’t get mistaken for the Big Bad Wolf; small girls are his territory, you know.”

“Live adventurously,” Baby Bear reminded them. “Hey, how about salmon pink for the cottage colour?”

His parents shook their heads and hastily changed the subject back to outreach. They decided that as lost little girls were rare – the Big Bad Wolf being rather more proactive in his own interpretation of outreach – they would not need a purpose-built centre but could merely improve accessibility to existing structures.

“We’ll replace the stairs with a ladder and trapdoor,” suggested Mama, “So she can escape the Wolf.” So the stairs were demolished and a precipitous ladder installed.

“How will they find us?” asked Baby Bear.

“Gosh, I hadn’t thought of that.” Mama frowned. “We should leave some signs along the forest trails.”

“Humans can’t read bear language,” Baby reminded her, “They don’t smell the message – they are too busy fussing at what they’ve trodden in.”

“Ah, of course,” Mama nodded, “And human writing won’t work; little girls might be too small to read or too poor to go to school.”

“I’ve got it!” Papa cried. “We could spread the idea around town. How about a story that the children can pass amongst themselves – word of mouth?”

“Nah; too slow,” said Baby, “We’re in the information age; I’ll put an ad on our web-site.”

“We’ll leave food available.” Mama was enthusiastic now.

“Yes,” Papa agreed, “Something anyone can eat … vegetarian …choelesterol free ….”

“Oh dear….” Mama sighed.

“I’ve got it!” Baby waved his copy of The Bare Chef at them: “Porridge!”

“Yes!” cried Mama and Papa, embracing.

“And,” Baby added, “we can paint the cottage oatmeal, of course.”


© Toumai, 2006

Note:
This is for a 600-word story comp in The Friend, a Quaker journal; hence some of the "in" jokes may be a little obscure (a classic Quaker scenario being that Friends can argue forever on what shade to paint the Meeting House).

[Ephiny]

Hello Fran

I absolutely loved reading this..it's so clever!!  I have a book at home called "Politically Correct Fairytales" and this reminds me of it.  What a treat!!!!

This has to be my favourite part

“How about some outreach?” suggested Baby Bear. “I have heard that sometimes small girls get lost in the forest – taking baskets of flowers to sick grandmothers – and might need a safe house to rest in until the brave Woodsman rescues them.”

It's so well written that the humour becomes even more effective..you did a wonderful job with this..a highly original and entertaining outlook on a well-known story :pharoah2  :sun:

Hope you win the competition..

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran,

Suggestions: {-}[+](comments)

==============================

The Three Bears{’}

Once upon a time two furry, gentle {B}[b]ears lived in harmony, cheerfully walking through the woods. Eventually, Baby Bear was born and Mama and Papa Bear decided to settle in a cottage {in}[amid] the heart of their forest.

Baby Bear was a joy, climbing and cuddling, rolling and running. Mama and Papa Bear were very content until one day …

“Just look at that peeling plaster,” Papa said, gazing up {at} the wall. “We will have to fix that before {the} {w}[W]inter arrives.”

{So} Mama fetched {the}[a] ladder{,}[;] Papa mixed {the} plaster[, then] {and} they repaired the holes. “That should last a while,” said Papa with satisfaction[,] as he descended the ladder after {the last cracks were filled}[he had filled the final cracks].  (less of a passive voice)

Mama clapped her paws. “It looks like new. Now, what colour shall we paint it?”

Baby Bear grew into a strong{,}[and] boisterous[,] yet loving youngster. He learned {the}[bears'] ways {of bears} in the woods and one day he was invited to a Young Bear Conference (in italics) far away in the Big Mountains. He came back full of {B}[b]ig {I}[ i ]deas. (I bet the neighbours Quaked!)

“Mama, we should treat {the} bees better{;}[-] stop ripping them off.”

“I’d never thought about that, {S}on; what a sweet idea.” (I'm not sure about that - capital "S" may be ok)

“Papa, {L}[l]et’s free those caged salmon in the {R}[r]iver.”

“Kind idea, Son; {the} wild ones are getting rare these days.”

“Mama, Papa … why do we have bare plaster on our walls?” (groan!)

“Because we’re {B}[b]ears, son,” growled his parents. Indeed, for many years they had discussed the {colour-to-be of the cottage}[cottage's colour-to-be] but not reached any conclusion. Mama wanted cream, while Papa, who had a sweet tooth, favoured honey. (groan 2)

“How about some {o}[O]utreach?” suggested Baby Bear. “I have heard that sometimes small girls {get}[become] lost in the forest[, whilst] {–} taking baskets of flowers to [their] sick grandmothers[,] {–} and might need a safe house {to rest in}[in which to rest] until the brave {W}[w]oodsman rescues them.” (Well that dispelled feminism!)

“Well …” Baby Bear’s parents scratched their furry pates, “So long as we {don’t get}[aren't] mistaken for {the} Big Bad Wolf; small girls are his territory, you know.”

“Live adventurously,” Baby Bear {reminded}[chided (- they haven't been told that yet)] {them}. “Hey, how about salmon pink for the cottage colour?”

His parents shook their heads and hastily changed the subject back to {o}[O]utreach. They decided that as lost little girls were rare – the Big Bad Wolf being rather more pro[-]active in his own interpretation of {o}[O]utreach – they would not need a purpose-built centre but could merely improve accessibility to existing structures. (I can see we're getting nowhere - slow!)

“We’ll replace the stairs with a ladder and trapdoor,” suggested Mama, “So she can escape {the} Wolf.” So the stairs were demolished and a precipitous ladder installed.

(Sometimes you are using "Wolf" as a name and sometimes as a generic  - stick to one or t'other).

“How will they find us?” asked Baby Bear.

“Gosh, I hadn’t thought of that.” Mama frowned. “We should leave some signs along the forest trails.”

“Humans can’t read bear language,” Baby reminded her, “They don’t smell the message – they are too busy fussing at what they’ve trodden in.” (ROFL... on second thoughts, I won't roll on the floor at all!)

“Ah, of course,” Mama nodded, “And human writing won’t work; little girls might be too small to read or too poor to {go to}[attend] school.”

“{I’ve got it}[I have it]!” Papa cried. “We could spread (!!!) the idea round town. How about a story that the children can pass amongst themselves[?] – word of mouth?”

(You have "I've got it a few line-papas below, anyway - so suggest you use more adult language for papa and keep "got" for baby)

“Nah; too slow,” said Baby, “We’re in the information age; I’ll put an ad[.] on our web-site.”

“We’ll leave food available.” Mama was [now] enthusiastic {now}.

“Yes,” Papa agreed, “Something anyone can eat … vegetarian …{choelesterol} [cholesterol][-] free ….”

“Oh dear….” Mama sighed.

“I’ve got it!” Baby waved his copy of The Bare Chef at them: “Porridge!” (Jamie Oliver would be reet chuffed! Not!)

“Yes!” cried Mama and Papa, embracing.

“And,” Baby added, “we can paint the cottage oatmeal, of course.” (Ouch! Quaker indeed).

Most chucklesome, even for a non-Quaker, Fran.

Good luck with the comp - I hope some things help improve it marginally.

Full suggestions below:

J.

==============================

The Three Bears

Once upon a time two furry, gentle bears lived in harmony, cheerfully walking through the woods. Eventually, Baby Bear was born and Mama and Papa Bear decided to settle in a cottage amid the heart of their forest.

Baby Bear was a joy, climbing and cuddling, rolling and running. Mama and Papa Bear were very content until one day …

“Just look at that peeling plaster,” Papa said, gazing up the wall. “We will have to fix that before Winter arrives.”

Mama fetched a ladder; Papa mixed plaster, then they repaired the holes. “That should last a while,” said Papa with satisfaction, as he descended the ladder after he had filled the final cracks.

Mama clapped her paws. “It looks like new. Now, what colour shall we paint it?”

☺ ☺ ☺

Baby Bear grew into a strong and boisterous, yet loving youngster. He learned bears' ways in the woods and one day he was invited to a Young Bear Conference far away in the Big Mountains. He came back full of big ideas.

“Mama, we should treat bees better - stop ripping them off.”

“I’d never thought about that, son; what a sweet idea.”

“Papa, let’s free those caged salmon in the river.”

“Kind idea, son; wild ones are getting rare these days.”

“Mama, Papa … why do we have bare plaster on our walls?”

“Because we’re bears, son,” growled his parents. Indeed, for many years they had discussed the cottage's colour-to-be but not reached any conclusion. Mama wanted cream, while Papa, who had a sweet tooth, favoured honey.

“How about some Outreach?” suggested Baby Bear. “I have heard that sometimes small girls become lost in the forest, whilst taking baskets of flowers to their sick grandmothers, and might need a safe house in which to rest until the brave woodsman rescues them.”

“Well …” Baby Bear’s parents scratched their furry pates, “So long as we aren't mistaken for Big Bad Wolf; small girls are his territory, you know.”

“Live adventurously,” Baby Bear chided. “Hey, how about salmon pink for the cottage colour?”

His parents shook their heads and hastily changed the subject back to Outreach. They decided that as lost little girls were rare – the Big Bad Wolf being rather more pro-active in his own interpretation of Outreach – they would not need a purpose-built centre but could merely improve accessibility to existing structures.

“We’ll replace the stairs with a ladder and trapdoor,” suggested Mama, “So she can escape Wolf.” So the stairs were demolished and a precipitous ladder installed.

“How will they find us?” asked Baby Bear.

“Gosh, I hadn’t thought of that.” Mama frowned. “We should leave some signs along the forest trails.”

“Humans can’t read bear language,” Baby reminded her, “They don’t smell the message – they are too busy fussing at what they’ve trodden in.”

“Ah, of course,” Mama nodded, “And human writing won’t work; little girls might be too small to read or too poor to attend school.”

“I have it!” Papa cried. “We could spread the idea round town. How about a story that the children can pass amongst themselves? – word of mouth?”

“Nah; too slow,” said Baby, “We’re in the information age; I’ll put an ad. on our web-site.”

“We’ll leave food available.” Mama was now enthusiastic.

“Yes,” Papa agreed, “Something anyone can eat … vegetarian …cholesterol-free ….”

“Oh dear….” Mama sighed.

“I’ve got it!” Baby waved his copy of The Bare Chef at them: “Porridge!"

“Yes!” cried Mama and Papa, embracing.

“And,” Baby added, “we can paint the cottage oatmeal, of course.”

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

A most chucklesome prelude to Goldilocks and the Three Bears meet Little Red Riding Hood.  I hope you are successful in the competition.  Were there any specific requirements?

A few thoughts for you to use or ignore as you wish

[add] {delete} (comment)

The Three Bears{’}


Once upon a time two furry, gentle {B}[b ]ears lived {in harmony}[harmoniously in the woods] {, cheerfully walking through the woods]. (I’m not sure why but the last clause feels odd) Eventually, Baby Bear was born and Mama and Papa Bear decided to settle in a cottage in the heart of their forest.


Baby Bear was a joy{,} [-] climbing[,] {and} cuddling, rolling and running. Mama and Papa Bear were very content until one day …

“Just look at that peeling plaster,” Papa said, gazing up at the wall. “We will have to fix that before {the} {w}[W]inter {arrives}.”

So Mama fetched the ladder{,{[.] Papa mixed the plaster and they repaired the holes. “That should last a while,” said Papa with satisfaction as he descended the ladder {after the last cracks were filled}[having filled all the cracks].

Mama clapped her paws. “It looks like new. Now, what colour shall we paint it?”

☺ ☺ ☺

Baby Bear grew into a strong, boisterous[,] {yet} loving youngster. He learned {the}[bears’] ways {of bears in the woods} and one day he was invited to a Young Bear Conference far away in the Big Mountains. He came back full of {B}[b ]ig {I}[I]deas.

“Mama, we should treat the bees better; stop ripping them off.”

“I’{d}[ve] never thought about that, Son; what a sweet idea.”  (groan)

“Papa, Let’s free those caged salmon in the {R}[r]iver.”

“Kind idea, Son; {the} wild ones are {getting}[becoming] rare these days.”

“Mama, Papa … why do we have bare plaster on our walls?”  (groan 2)

“Because we’re Bears, son,” growled his parents. Indeed, for many years they had discussed {the colour-to-be of}[a colour for] the cottage {but not reached}[without reaching] any conclusion. Mama wanted cream, while Papa, who had a sweet tooth, favoured honey.  (groan 3)

“How about {some} outreach?” suggested Baby Bear. “I have heard that sometimes small girls[,] {get lost in the forest –} taking baskets of flowers to sick grandmothers[,]get lost in the forest ]{–} [ and might need a safe house to rest in until {the}[a] brave Woodsman rescues them.”

“Well …” Baby Bear’s parents scratched their furry pates, “So long as we {don’t get}[aren’t] mistaken for the Big Bad Wolf; small girls are his territory, you know.”

“Live adventurously,” Baby Bear reminded them. “Hey, how about salmon pink for the cottage colour?”

His parents shook their heads and hastily changed the subject back to outreach. They decided that as lost little girls were rare – the Big Bad Wolf being rather more proactive in his own interpretation of outreach – they would not need a purpose-built centre but could merely improve accessibility to existing structures.   (they’ve been talking to the local council obviously)

“We’ll replace the stairs with a ladder and trapdoor,” suggested Mama, “So she can escape the {W}[w]olf.” So the stairs were demolished and a precipitous ladder installed.

“How will they find us?” asked Baby Bear.

“Gosh, I hadn’t thought of that.” Mama frowned. “We should leave {some} signs along the forest trails.”

“Humans can’t read bear language,” Baby reminded her, “They don’t smell the message – they are too busy fussing at what they’ve trodden in.”  (urgh)

“Ah, of course,” Mama nodded, “And human writing won’t work; little girls might be too small to read or too poor to go to school.”

“I’ve got it!” Papa cried. “We could spread the idea around town. How about a story that the children can pass amongst themselves – word of mouth?”

“Nah; too slow,” said Baby, “We’re in the information age; I’ll put an ad on our web{-}site.”

“We’ll {leave}[make] food available.” Mama was enthusiastic now.

“Yes,” Papa agreed, “Something anyone {can}[will] eat … vegetarian …cho{e}lesterol[-] free ….”

“Oh dear….” Mama sighed.

“I’ve got it!” Baby waved his copy of The Bare Chef at them: “Porridge!”  (groan 4)

“Yes!” cried Mama and Papa, embracing.

“And,” Baby added, “{w}[W]e can paint the cottage oatmeal, of course.”  (Quaker of course)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Three Bears


Once upon a time two furry, gentle bears lived harmoniously in the woods. Eventually, Baby Bear was born and Mama and Papa Bear decided to settle in a cottage in the heart of their forest.


Baby Bear was a joy - climbing, cuddling, rolling and running. Mama and Papa Bear were very content until one day …

“Just look at that peeling plaster,” Papa said, gazing up at the wall. “We will have to fix that before Winter.”

So Mama fetched the ladder. Papa mixed the plaster and they repaired the holes. “That should last a while,” said Papa with satisfaction as he descended the ladder, having filled all the cracks.

Mama clapped her paws. “It looks like new. Now, what colour shall we paint it?”

☺ ☺ ☺

Baby Bear grew into a strong, boisterous, loving youngster. He learned bears’ ways and one day he was invited to a Young Bear Conference far away in the Big Mountains. He came back full of big ideas.

“Mama, we should treat the bees better; stop ripping them off.”

“I’ve never thought about that, Son; what a sweet idea.”  

“Papa, Let’s free those caged salmon in the river.”

“Kind idea, Son; wild ones are becoming rare these days.”

“Mama, Papa … why do we have bare plaster on our walls?”  

“Because we’re Bears, son,” growled his parents. Indeed, for many years they had discussed a colour for the cottage without reaching any conclusion. Mama wanted cream, while Papa, who had a sweet tooth, favoured honey.  

“How about outreach?” suggested Baby Bear. “I have heard that sometimes small girls taking baskets of flowers to sick grandmothers, get lost in the forest and might need a safe house to rest in until a brave Woodsman rescues them.”

“Well …” Baby Bear’s parents scratched their furry pates, “So long as we aren’t mistaken for the Big Bad Wolf; small girls are his territory, you know.”

“Live adventurously,” Baby Bear reminded them. “Hey, how about salmon pink for the cottage colour?”

His parents shook their heads and hastily changed the subject back to outreach. They decided that as lost little girls were rare – the Big Bad Wolf being rather more proactive in his own interpretation of outreach – they would not need a purpose-built centre but could merely improve accessibility to existing structures.  

“We’ll replace the stairs with a ladder and trapdoor,” suggested Mama, “So she can escape the wolf.” So the stairs were demolished and a precipitous ladder installed.

“How will they find us?” asked Baby Bear.

“Gosh, I hadn’t thought of that.” Mama frowned. “We should leave signs along the forest trails.”

“Humans can’t read bear language,” Baby reminded her, “They don’t smell the message – they are too busy fussing at what they’ve trodden in.”  

“Ah, of course,” Mama nodded, “And human writing won’t work; little girls might be too small to read or too poor to go to school.”

“I’ve got it!” Papa cried. “We could spread the idea around town. How about a story that the children can pass amongst themselves – word of mouth?”

“Nah; too slow,” said Baby, “We’re in the information age; I’ll put an ad on our website.”

“We’ll make food available.” Mama was enthusiastic now.

“Yes,” Papa agreed, “Something anyone will eat … vegetarian …cholesterol-free ….”

“Oh dear….” Mama sighed.

“I’ve got it!” Baby waved his copy of The Bare Chef at them: “Porridge!”  

“Yes!” cried Mama and Papa, embracing.

“And,” Baby added, “We can paint the cottage oatmeal, of course.”


I hope some of this is useful.

Nina

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

This was such a clever take on an old tale. (And Goldilocks didn't even have to make an appearence. :)  Good luck with your contest. Your notes made this even more enjoyable.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Thanks, Rosemerta  :cheer:

I was never very keen on Goldilocks - she seemed such a spoiled brat, taking advantage of the bear's home while they were out and then running away. So I can now think of them as deliberately offering her a safe haven, lol.

Fran

[Siren]

Hey Fran,

This was such a joy to read. The different spin you had on such a classic tale made this even more of a compelling read. Meshing Little Red Riding Hood with Goldilocks was a splendid addition. I think you've got a captivating voice and this would be an interesting story for my 2nd grader to read.

Good Luck Sweetie!

hugs
Dani

[Guest_carrion_*]

haha that was a great tale, as always they put all the grammer corrections in there. I think you should win, just on how it all wrapped up in the end to the porridge decision. Everyone can relate to that, haha. Good luck.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Dani,  :dove:

Lovely to see you here again  :cheer:

This was such a joy to read. The different spin you had on such a classic tale made this even more of a compelling read. Meshing Little Red Riding Hood with Goldilocks was a splendid addition. I think you've got a captivating voice and this would be an interesting story for my 2nd grader to read.

 Thanks for the encouragement. I still have a few weeks before submissions close, but I must get this revised and sent off.

Hugs

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Ryan

haha that was a great tale, as always they put all the grammer corrections in there. I think you should win, just on how it all wrapped up in the end to the porridge decision. Everyone can relate to that, haha. Good luck.

Glad it amused you  :pharoah2

Thanks

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Gosh, I was sure I'd replied to Lucie, James and Nina earlier. Sorry, all three of you, for my tardiness!  





Hi Lucie,

I absolutely loved reading this..it's so clever!!  I have a book at home called "Politically Correct Fairytales" and this reminds me of it.  What a treat!!!!

I think I have seen a few like that. Thanks  

This has to be my favourite part

“How about some outreach?” suggested Baby Bear. “I have heard that sometimes small girls get lost in the forest – taking baskets of flowers to sick grandmothers – and might need a safe house to rest in until the brave Woodsman rescues them.”

Thanks  

It's so well written that the humour becomes even more effective..you did a wonderful job with this..a highly original and entertaining outlook on a well-known story    

Hope you win the competition.

I really don't mind if I win or not - it just seems like a fun thing to try  


Hi James,

Thank you so much for the full and thoughtful crit. Glad you liked my terrible puns (and the Jamie Oliver reference, hehe). I will most certainly be using many of your ideas when I revise this.

...might need a safe house {to rest in}[in which to rest] until the brave {W}[w]oodsman rescues them.” (Well that dispelled feminism! )

Shall we discuss that at the pub?  

– they are too busy fussing at what they’ve trodden in.” (ROFL... on second thoughts, I won't roll on the floor at all! )

Indeed: not a good idea in that context (now there's a new euphamism for it! )



Hi Nina,

Also many thanks to you for all of your careful suggestions.

A most chucklesome prelude to Goldilocks and the Three Bears meet Little Red Riding Hood.  I hope you are successful in the competition.  Were there any specific requirements?

Thanks very much. The specific requirements were that the story should be 600 words or less (not exactly 600 as I at first thought) and have some specifically Quaker theme.


Many thanks to you all

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Revision now posted. 558 words (checked the rules and it is 600 or less words).

I have tried to keep the simplicity of language but have  tightened the prose in a few places and hopefully dealt with a few other typos etc.

Thanks very much for all of the help, everyone.

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

Well done with your revision.  My only comment is that I preferred the punchline of painting the walls oatmeal to leaving them bare.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Thanks for returning, Nina

Well done with your revision.  My only comment is that I preferred the punchline of painting the walls oatmeal to leaving them bare.

My parents think the same, so I shall revert to oatmeal when I send it to the comp :pharoah2

Thanks,

Fran

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Fran what a different take on a fractured fairy tale...I love the humor in it and am sure that the Qaukers will enjoy it as well. This was a very good read.
Steve

[Guest_Toumai_*]

<font color='#000000'>Fran what a different take on a fractured fairy tale...I love the humor in it and am sure that the Qaukers will enjoy it as well. This was a very good read.
Steve</font>

Thanks, Steve

I sent it to the comp last week (last line ammended to "oatmeal" again).

Fran

[Cleo_Serapis]

Fran!

This is a wonderful 'modernised' tale based on both children's stories. I was wondering if the three pigs were gonna be in here somewhere.

I'm sorry I'm so late to this party and I have no nits to offer. Your revision is excellent.

My favorite lines:

“Live adventurously,” Baby Bear reminded them. “Hey, how about salmon pink for the cottage?”

Reminds me of my former house. I went to the local paint store and ordered some paint for our living room called 'bisque' which looked to be a very soft, peachy tan color. So we painted the walls and it's a deep salmony pink - ick!!!! Now the running joke in the fam (well Peter and dad mostly) is "I hope that isn't bisque?!"

“Nah, too slow,” said Baby. “We’re in the information age – I’ll put an ad on our web-site.”
LOL! Bears with a website? How cool!

“We’ll have food available,” Mama was enthusiastic.

“Yes,” Papa agreed, “something anyone can eat…vegetarian…cholesterol-free….”

“Oh dear….” Mama said.

“I’ve got it!” Baby waved his copy of The Bare Chef at them: “Porridge!”

LOL!

Enjoyed
~Cleo

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Thanks, Lori

No luck with this one. I think they maybe thought I was irreverent. Moi? As if.

We painted our living room in Cambridge in what was supposed to be a pale apricot and turned out to be cherry blossom pink.

Fran

[Guest_MikeKuss_*]

Hi Fran. My name is Mike and I am a 'newbie' to this website. I read your piece and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I looked over some of the criticisms, and while I understand that we put our thoughts out there for criticism, some of the critiques seem a little anal-retentive. As a writer, I hope people will criticize my work, but as a writer I also can choose to make any corrections or changes that I like. Like I said, I read your piece and enjoyed it. You can change things if you like, but I really don't see the harm in leaving it as it is. After all, you are the writer of this piece. Take care.
-Mike