Mourning***, A tanka sequence Options

[saore]

Mourning


I smell my anger,
tell my story, and people
turn away. . .
........ this tongue
........ bound by ice

life
clenched in my fist. . .
people assure me,
nobody dies from
brittle eyes

blue knives glint
through breathless autumn's
misty drizzle. . .
I scrutinize sepulchers—
who wouldn't call out the wind? / while imploring the wind

there are days
when thirst runs dry
and prayer lips harden. . .
nameless days
when rivers flow straight up

[Maureen]

I really like that first stanza Sergio - strong and powerful emotion depicted in the words - the reader can almost feel the repressed anger. The whole Tanka well depicts that feeling of helplessness that descends, where others share your grief and yet they don't and you feel like every surface of your skin is raw and bleeding and vulnerable.

Personally I like the line -

who wouldn't call out the wind

There are days when thirst runs dry

Indeed there are Hopefully not too many and for not too long

I enjoyed reading this Sergio - thank you

Cheers

Maureen

[saore]

Thank you Maureen, I am really glad you like the poem.

Sergio

[Eisa]

This is a very powerful poem, Sergio and I like many of the lines.

I smell my anger,
tell my story, and people
turn away. . .

A strong start which really draws the reader in.

Also:

life
clenched in my fist. . .


I'm not sure about the layout of these lines

I scrutinize sepulchers—
who wouldn't call out the wind? / while imploring the wind


Perhaps:

I scrutinize sepulchers—
while imploring the wind
who wouldn't call out the wind?


Just a thought, Sergio.

Snow

[Psyche]

Sergio!
I love this poem. I've read it over several times and find some splendid word usage and striking thoughts. Powerful.

I might have some suggestions or questions, but it's 3 a.m. now!

Will return, Sylvia

[saore]

Thank you Snow, Sylvia. This one was a personal experience. I had to go to the emergency room because I thought I was having a massive heart attack. It turns out I was not. We have not discovered what it is but it looks like it might be intolerance to fatty foods. But I was afraid, not of dying, but of not having done enough writing, publishing, editing.

Sergio

[saore]

Thank you Snow, Sylvia. This one was a personal experience. I had to go to the emergency room because I thought I was having a massive heart attack. It turns out I was not. We have not discovered what it is but it looks like it might be intolerance to fatty foods. But I was afraid, not of dying, but of not having done enough writing, publishing, editing.

Sergio

[Eisa]

Thank you Snow, Sylvia. This one was a personal experience. I had to go to the emergency room because I thought I was having a massive heart attack. It turns out I was not. We have not discovered what it is but it looks like it might be intolerance to fatty foods. But I was afraid, not of dying, but of not having done enough writing, publishing, editing.

Sergio

Hi Sergio

I am so glad it was not a heart attack - but must have been very frightening. My husband recently had a health scare which could have been a small stroke, but it appears it was not, so I can appreciate your worry. I think when we have scares like this it does put life into perspective and make us realise what we want to do in life. I hope this has spurred you on to write and publish more. I am so glad you have returned to MM to share your work with us.

Take care
Snow

[saore]

Thank you Snow. Yes, it has put things into a different perspective. Thank you.

Sergio