Melancholy Embrace [rev 3 20 Apr 2008], Inspired by Poe's Dream-Land Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Inspired by E.A Poe's poem, Dream-Land and the ever-present thoughts of health: I had my 2 year anniversary Friday of my breast cancer surgery, and coincidentally, my bi-lateral mammo. While my collar bone is KILLING me today (as always afterwards), the news is GREAT - no evidence of recurrance.


Revision 3: TY John and Sylvia!

Melancholy Embrace


Came the dream when hope was haunted,
melancholy thoughts which taunted,
where faith’s nameless phantoms dwell
in a dismal, ghoulish hell.
I had battled brazen creatures,
scrutinized their faceless features,
showed restraint as chasms swelled;
teasing inner-strengths withheld.

Naysayers are ever present
always festering, their content
thwarting thoughts, sublime they gather,
plotting their attacks or rather
daring me with creepy crawlies
from imagined, grotesque follies.

Wide awake, I know they’ve been here;
freakishly, my screams survive fear.
With this knowledge I will take back
confidence, completely intact…

seize revealing newfound grace
confirmed through spirited embrace.

<sub>Copyright © Lorraine M. Kanter 05 Apr 2008


Revision 2: 13 Ap 2008 - thanks Ron!

I had risen: braved those creatures,
Still, those wanderers are present

Revision 1: 07 Apr 2008 - thanks Alan!

thwarting sublime thoughts, they gather,
from imagined, foulish follies.
With this psyche I will come to
be at home with what I’ve been through…
betwixt revealing, newfound grace
confirmed through love’s epic embrace.

Original:

Came the dream when hope was haunted,
melancholy thoughts were taunted,
where faith’s nameless phantoms dwell
in a dismal, ghoulish hell,
I had risen: braved those creatures,
scrutinized their faceless features,
showed restraint as chasms swelled;
teasing inner strengths withheld.

Still, those wanderers are present,
always festering their content
thwarting sublime thoughts - they gather
plotting their attack or rather
daring me with creeping crawlies
from imagined, foul follies.

Wide awake, I know they’ve been here;
freakish, sweaty sighs survive fear.
With this psyche, I will come to
be at home with what I’ve been through…

betwixt revealing, newfound grace
confirmed through love’s epic embrace.</sub>

[Alan]

Dear Lori,

A brave poem, if it is autobiographical !


Coupla points :

Came the dream when hope was haunted,
melancholy thoughts WHICH taunted, - Were the thoughts tauntED, or tauntING ?
where faith’s nameless phantoms dwell
in a dismal, ghoulish hell,
I had risen: braved those creatures,
scrutinized their faceless features,
showed restraint as chasms swelled;
teasing inner strengths withheld.

Still, those wanderers are present,
always festering,* their content - somehow it makes sense for me with the comma ?
thwarting sublime thoughts - they gather
plotting their attackS,* or rather
daring me with creeping crawlies
from imagined, foulLISH follies. - another syll needed in there for ba-dums ?

Wide awake, I know they’ve been here;
freakish, sweaty sighs survive fear. - sighs seems the wrong word ? with wrong emphasis ?
With this psyche, I will come to
be at home,* with what I’ve been through…

Lori, perhaps my nits are because I do not know the original poem, so do ignore anything that does not chime with you.

Love
Alan

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Alan,

Thanks muchly - it's semi-autobiographical I suppose. You know, write what you know. This was on my mind as I still recover from the smashing of my chest and colar bones, LOL!


Coupla points :

Came the dream when hope was haunted,
melancholy thoughts WHICH taunted, - Were the thoughts tauntED, or tauntING ?
Yes, good point - I've made that edit in the poem, TY!


Still, those wanderers are present,
always festering,* their content - somehow it makes sense for me with the comma ? Yep, I agree.
thwarting sublime thoughts - they gather
plotting their attackS,* or rather -yeah, multiple attacks.
daring me with creeping crawlies
from imagined, foulLISH follies. - another syll needed in there for ba-dums ?
You have some further points here I'll need to ponder and edit - I count foul as two sylls but may make that edit too.

Wide awake, I know they’ve been here;
freakish, sweaty sighs survive fear. - sighs seems the wrong word ? with wrong emphasis ?

Yes, I made an edit there: freakishly, my sighs survive fear. Really, more like screams that sighs, sigh was one of the required words, perhaps I'll edit that here too?

Thanks so much for stopping in Alan!
~Cleo

[jgdittier]

Dear Cleo,
Consistant with my normal approach to verse, I target bumps in the road.
However, more important than the bumps here it seems to me is the message.
As the topic is so dire, I like your approach in avoiding the most specific of terms and so allowing more for the reader's interpretation. Even with the deliberate
vagueness, I expect your readers will share your thoughts.
Most folks now don't attribute so much importance to a bump, but as that's where I come from, that's what I'll focus on.
line 11- "sublime thoughts" seems bumpy to me and "thoughts, sublime" more poetic to my ear. However, I know my poetic ear strays from the current norm.
line 14 - a syllable needed between "foul" and follies" ?
the quatrain - feminine endings for me require a double rhyme, like gather/rather
in the previous stanza. Your style, if less comitted to meter, my not involve that as it does contribute to sing-song. But then your choice of trochaic seems to me to add both vigor and lilt to your piece and ends in feminines.
the closing couplet - here you end each line with a heavy beat - that seems to me to add to its importance - however, "love's epic" seems to me to be both vague as to love and bumpy as to epic. Perhap's substitute "faith's" for "love's epic", although only you know what your final thought might be.
Congrats too in the 8-6-4-2 stanzas. One other feature adding to this powerful piece.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Psyche]

Dear Lori,

This is a powerful piece, indeed. Isn't it intriguing how one can create vigorous lines without revealing the worrisome reality behind it all... You HAVE revealed it, in an explanation at the top, but the poem stands on its own, allowing for the reader to imagine any number of phantoms haunting the poet.

You've already received expert crits, so I shan't intervene with anything, as I'm not competent with R&F, as you well know. I look forward to your revision and may perhaps suggest some word changes, but that's about all.

AND CONGRATS ON YOUR EXCELLENT NEWS REGARDING THE TEST. I HOPE YOUR POOR COLLAR BONE HAS STOPPED COMPLAINING BY NOW!!!
I'M SO VERY PLEASED WITH YOUR NEWS AS WELL AS YOUR POEM.

Big hugs, Sylvia ***

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Ron,

Thanks for stopping by! I was playing around with different stanza layouts and settled on the 8/6/4/2 with varying end rhymes, glad you enjoyed it! I am all about the message, and the bumps so please DO chime in as you've already done.

This poem started off actually the night before my mammogram, with thoughts on how one might 'fester' something unknown to them - it can be so terrifying, no matter what the 'subject' is. I deliberately left it up to you, the reader, to envision something of your own mindset, but I feel I need a revision in the last 4 lines:
With this psyche I will come to
be at home with what I’ve been through…

betwixt revealing, newfound grace
confirmed through love’s epic embrace.

I think these are the weakest and there are better words I can find to express what I mean: Accepting what is assumed to be the unknown, one trudges along, in other words.

I also think you are right about flipping sublime thoughts around and will make that edit enxt revision, TY! I've already added 'ish' to foul' but will think on a different word altogether there.

Ah, that ending: Love's embrace is intended to mean, support of loved ones, family and friends alike, have made the unknown more palletable. Epic, as in continuing saga but I'll be rethinking a new ending.

Again, many thanks!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Sylvia,

Thanks very much for stopping in! Yes, I was hoping this could be envisioned by readers differently to suit their own 'fears'. If I hadn't made a note in the thread, how would you have interpreted it, curious?

I am planning a revision and look forward to your suggestions.

Thank you VERY MUCH for your congratulatory words and wishes, I always tend to get a little nervous at these appointments, but I stay positive and so far, so good. My collarbone is still complaining, but a tad less so. The pain seems to have shifted upward into my neck and shoulders now - must be the pressure releasing. At least I don't look like a blueberry as much now, as my veins were very surfaced the past few days, LOL.

It's all good, as they say!

HUGS
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Second revision now posted.

TY!

[Psyche]

Great revision, Lori! I think it's polished now, as well as truly profound. No crits for style, either.
Congrats!

Thanks for allowing us to face our own hidden fears... and come back feeling stronger!
Syl ***

[JLY]

Lori,

First off, congratulations for slaying the C dragon.


I had risen: braved those creatures - somehow I would like to see the word "brazen" interjected in this line

Still, those wanderers are present - you are too nice in labeling them "wanderers"...you need to give them some negative vibes....maybe call them "naysayers"

freakish, sweaty sighs survive fear "survive" seems too passive, "conquer" is the more apt description, but I wouldn't necessarily use it in this line, but perhaps choose a more appropriate action word.

We all applaud you for your inner strength and your ability to keep so actively involved in your career, second career, homelife and still balance everything while at the same time fighting off these wandering, nasty microbes.

JLY

[Psyche]

Dear Lori,

I second John's applause for you, in all respects, but chiefly for having slain that "Cragon".

I also think that his suggestions are highly worth considering. I especially like "naysayers" and "conquer".

Hugs,
Sylvia ***

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi John,

Thanks so much for your kind words and congrats! That Cragon can go haunt someone else now.

I like your idea of adding 'brazen' to that line and thought of this revision for it:
I had battled brazen creatures
Whatcha think?

Again, I also like your idea of interjecting 'naysayers' into this and while wanderers was a required word in the times ten, it doesn't need to stay here. What about this instead (see below)?
Naysayers are ever present
I think 'ever' will match better with the next line's 'always festering', do you?

You must not have seen my revision for this bit: freakish, sweaty sighs survive fear. Currently, it is 'freakishly, my screams survive fear. I had intended for 'survive' to mean existing through adversity so I'm not sure about conquer. Another option there is to replace it with 'subdue' but I'm not certain that makes sense, how can one's screams subdue fear. lol. I'll decide and post up a revision in a few minutes.

We all applaud you for your inner strength and your ability to keep so actively involved in your career, second career, homelife and still balance everything while at the same time fighting off these wandering, nasty microbes.

Thank you very much John. I'm hopeful that my mannerisms and way of life now inspires others not to lose hope, or feel as though they've already been beaten - never give in, fight, fight, fight and surround yourself with happy people, thoughts, things and places.

Cheers and thanks so much!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sylvia,

Thanks for coming back in again and for your kind words! No one ever said facing fears was easy, but when you come out the winner, it certainly is a life-changing experience.

Love that saying of John's : slay that "Cragon". Tee hee, while I do love dungeons and dragons genres, I'd much rather be amused by them on the big screen and in books than to become part of the story, LOL!

I will make a small rev now, and then see if there's a place to add 'conquer' in there, somewhere.

Hugs,
Lori

[Psyche]

Hi Cleo!
Your poem is now outstanding. And you must be feeling great having conquered the Cragon!

Er...BTW, I don't wish to heckle you or anybody else...LOL... but it so happens that I, myself and me coined the word CRAGON!!!! John called it the C dragon, and that inspired me!! Thank you, John!

I'm making this claim just in case you decide to incorporate "Cragon" into your science fiction poetry...LOL....gotta stand up for my rights!

Oh my, Lori, I've faced so many fears in my life that I've lost count...I even had panic attacks when nobody knew about them, after my Dad died years ago. I think I've learned to co-habitate with my fears, not exactly BEAT them. Perhaps I've made friends with them...LOL...Once a psychologist suggested I give names to all my various fears, you know, like Mary, Jack or Bob. When you feel one of them approaching, you say HI THERE, let's take a walk!

Well, my husband is being brought home for tea and supper, must leave off now, hope to login more frequently. Had lots of translations!!!

Congrats and hugs,
Syl ***

[JLY]

Lori,
I like your suggested changes and your positive attitude is much admired by everyone here at MM.

JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

Oops, sorry about that Syl! Fending of those Cragons is not pleasant but a required element of life.

Hahah, I'll have to think of a name for her then I suppose, maybe 'squishy', LOL!

John - thanks for popping back in and for your kind words of approval!

Cheers,
~Cleo