Midnight Odyssey~II Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

REVISED:

MIDNIGHT ODYSSEY~II~A WILD RIDE

A drowsy sun descends and all nod off to sleep;  
Ashabrack can come out to play while others count their sheep.  
Stars are dotting ebon skies and shyly wink hello,  
as they trip, toe-to-tip 'cross twilight's rosy glow.

Soft ivory clouds invite a bounce into oblivion;
wee fairies preparation for a grand cotillion.
Ashabrack's friends with all of them, big and small alike.
It makes no diff'rence who they be, down to the tiny tyke.

Mishilina is awaiting on her castle cloud of white.
They'll fantasize celestial flight across the darkened night.
She pirouettes on tippy-toe and wonders where they'll go.
What will they see as darkness weaves its lovely glittered glow?

Ashabrack thought he'd take her to Lady Moon's for tea;
he knew that there'd be plenty and Moon would not mind three.
He wondered if she would like to ride the misty Milky Way;
decides to wait 'til after tea to see what she might say.

He swoops in fast and low with the castle in his sight,
he drops his feet and slowly glides with wings held very tight.
He greets Mishilina with a twinkle in his eye,
he tips his wing quite polite; she climbs up and off they fly.

Soaring ever upwards until they can't go any higher,
Ashabrack so excited that he breathes a bit of fire,
when suddenly out of the blue, a comet comes hurtling by,
he's caught completely off his guard;  my, oh my, oh my!

It sends him in a tailspin as he somersaults through air.
He rolls and flips in attempts to see through her long hair.
He begs her to hang on, will she ever ride hereafter?
As he regains control she erupts in playful laughter.

Ashabrack comes to grinding halt, to catch his breath you see
with Mishilina all a-giggle, never having felt so free.
She's ready to keep flying 'fore the dawn of morning light;
Ashabrack, knees still shaking, decides to call it a night.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Feb2005





A drowsy sun descends and quietly nods off to sleep;  
Ashabrack can come out to play while others begin to count sheep.  
Stars are dotting blue-ebony skies and shyly winking hello  
as they trip, toe-to-tip across the twilight in its rosy glow.

Soft clouds of ivory invite a bounce into oblivion;
beware of tiny fairies as they prepare for a cotillion.
Ashabrack is friends with all of them, big and small alike.
It makes no diff'rence who they be, even the smallest tyke.

Mishilina is awaiting him on her castle cloud of white,
to whisk her away on celestial flight across the ebon night.
She pirouettes on tip-toe and wonders where they might go.
What will they see tonight as darkness weaves a glittered glow.

Ashabrack thought he would take her to sweet Lady Moon's for tea;
he knew that there would be plenty and Moon would not mind having three.
He wondered if she would like to ride through the misty Milky Way;
deciding to wait until after tea to see what she would say.

Swooping in fast and low with the castle now in his sight,
he drops his feet and slowly glides in with his wings held very tight.
He happily greets Mishilina with a twinkle in his eye;
tips his wing so very polite; she climbs up and off they fly.

Soaring ever upwards until they cannot go any higher,
Ashabrack is so excited that he breathes a bit of fire.
Suddenly, way out of the blue, a comet comes hurtling by
throwing him completely off his guard;  my, oh my, oh my!

It sends him into a tailspin as he somersaults through the air.
He rolls, flips, bounces and whirls while he tries to see through her long hair.
He begs her to hang on, will she ever ride hereafter?
As he regains control she breaks out in playful laughter.

Ashabrack comes to a grinding halt, to catch his breath you see.
Mishilina is all a-giggle, never having felt so free.
She's ready to keep on flying before the dawning light;
while Ashabrack, knees still a-shaking, decides to call it a night.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Feb2005


ORIGINAL:

MIDNIGHT ODYSSEY~II~A WILD RIDE

At day's end, the drowsy sun descends and quietly nods off to sleep;  
now Ashabrack can come out to play while others begin to count sheep.  
The stars are dotting blue-ebony skies shyly winking hello  
as they trip, toe-to-tip across the twilight in its pinkened glow.

Overstuffed clouds of ivory invite a bounce into oblivion;
watch for tiny fairies who are preparing for their cotillion.
Ashabrack is friends with all of them, big and small alike.
It makes no difference who they be, even the smallest tyke.

Mishilina is awaiting him on her castle cloud of white,
to whisk her away on celestial flight across the ebon night.
She pirouettes toe-tip and wonders where they might go.
What will they see tonight as darkness weaves a glittery glow?

Ashabrack thought he would take her to sweet Lady Moon's for tea;
he knew that there would be plenty and Moon would not mind having three.
He wondered if she would like to ride through the misty Milky Way;
deciding to wait until after tea to see what she would say.

Swooping in fast and low with the castle now in his sight,
he drops his feet and slowly glides in with his wings held very tight.
He happily greets Mishilina with a twinkle in his eye;
tips his wing so very polite; she climbs up and off they fly.

Soaring ever upwards until they cannot go any higher,
Ashabrack is so excited that he breathes a bit of fire.
Suddenly, way out of the blue, a comet comes hurtling by
throwing him completely off his guard;  my, oh my, oh my!

It sends him into a tailspin as he somersaults through the air.
He rolls, flips, bounces and whirls while he tries to see through her long hair.
He begs her to hang on, afraid she will never ride hereafter,
yet regains control while Mishilina shrieks with playful laughter.

Ashabrack comes to a grinding halt, to catch his breath you see.
Mishilina is all a-giggle never having felt so free,
she's ready to continue the journey before the dawn brings light;
while Ashabrack, knees still a-shaking, decides to call it a night.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Feb2005


LOL  I don't know about this meter thing ... I don't know if I'll ever get it right!

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Cathy,

As someone who frequently confuses others, I think it befalls on me to say I'm confused.

This tongue-twister of a poem is an amazing flight of imagination but I don't understand it, sorry.

I tried Googling both "Ashabrack" and "Mishilina" (sounds like Queen's "Bishmilla" in "Bohemian Rhapsody") but Google was stumped on both - quite an achievement! So are these names you have invented for fairies / characters? Some guidance would be appreciated please!

Thanks in anticipation,

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

I think your granddaughter Blaise must love the tales you spin for her.  I could just imagine this one in a picture book with wonderful illustrations (though maybe you would have to change the words you have invented).  It would be fun to read out at a story-time.

I think some of the meter could be improved, but I wouldn't know where to start so I will leavethe ba-dums to those more expert than me.

Just a couple of suggestions

At day's end Drowsy sun descends and quietly nods off to sleep; a comma after end and drowsy without a capital D.

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Ashabrack and Mishilina are names that I made up for this story.
It was written for a 4 yr old so there's really no purpose other than
enjoyment.  My granddaughter, Blaise, loves the sing-song sound of
the words and loves to dance while I read.

Thanks James!

Hi Nina!  I know the meter needs some work, I just wish I was one
of the experts you were talking about!  Thanks for your comments!

Cathy

[Guest_Jox_*]

Cathy, Hi

Thanks for the explanation.

Well done for inventing those names - they're very impressive.

I'd like to help here but I can't. I just cannot see the rhythm / meter which your four-year old grand-daughter can. (I knew these things were innate!)

I'll just wish you the best with this and say that it is most enchanting.

Well done, James.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I'd like to help here but I can't.

Is this history in the making?   ???

I've always had a major problem with meter/rhythm.  I just can't
seem to "force" myself into the mold so to speak.  If it sounds right
to me then I go with it but otherwise, forget it.  Poor Daniel, he tries
to help but I think I'm a hopeless cause!

I'm glad you enjoyed it anyway!
Cathy

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cathy,

I've just been having great fun reading this out loud - all by myself.  :jester:

It does make a lovely sing-song tale and I can imagine Blaise thoroughly enjoying a recital - lucky girl to have someone to make her rhymes like this.

tips his wing so very polite, she climbs up and off they fly

I think perhaps the coma should be a colon? (But punctuation is not my strong point.)

Fran

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Blaise does enjoy them.  We read them over and over ... lol
But of course I don't mind.  I'm glad you enjoyed it too!

Thanks Fran!
Cathy

[Arnfinn]

Hi Cathy,

I read your poem-fairytale a couple of times. It's very easy to recite. In my laymans terms as an old sexagenarian I think you should see about finding a pulisher and illustrator.

A tale of fantasy always enthralls the little ones.

 :mouse:  :turtle:  :kitty:  :mouse:  :turtle:


regards,


Arnie  :wizard:  :troy:

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I read your poem-fairytale a couple of times. It's very easy to recite. In my laymans terms as an old sexagenarian I think you should see about finding a pulisher and illustrator.

No kidding?!  Wow!  I don't know what to say!  Thank you Arnie! I couldn't have received a better compliment!  Oh wow!  You've just made my day!  :cheer:  :sings:

I'll be dancing around on cloud nine today!  :cloud9:

[Guest_Don_*]

larrysgirl5548~~

I've been told that 14 syllables per line is long.  I've been told a line over 50 syllables is abortive.  I know that a line is best as one breath exhale.  Obviously non-smokers have an advantage.  :)

I attempted to find your two characters on the assumption your basis is a myth or magic tale.  I assumed them to be fictional and joyfully read onward.

The quatrain/rhyme scheme is ballad which allows optional syllables per line and optional number of lines.  Of course, a ballad is expected to have some length, which yours sorta does; and expected to be narrative, which yours is.

Variable syllables per line is a modification, but charmingly done.

S6,L4: flight pattern sounded glitchy to me, but I am unable to offer positive suggestion.

Some may rather see your italized quotation between conventional quotation marks, but I am satisfied with your italics.

I found the entire poem charming.

If you want, I will scan a significant portion for meter. I ask first because showing scansion takes time. Meter does not come easy, and usually takes a lot of practice and learning from others who have been patient.  I know after someone identifies a scansion, another like Just Daniel probably will see differently.  More the merrier, for that is how you learn viable variations.

I do know that your meter is not pure iambic, which is bad for a long work.  A single pure meter can be very boring, which, as you know, is rotten story telling.  Unless your intention is to put someone to sleep.

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks for your comments and your offer Don!  I'll take
all the help I can get.  This meter stuff really gives me fits.
If I make all my lines have the same syllable count some of
the lines don't sound right and I end up changing them.  Any
help you can offer will be appreciated.

Cathy~

[Guest_Don_*]

Thanks for your comments and your offer Don!  I'll take
all the help I can get.  This meter stuff really gives me fits.
If I make all my lines have the same syllable count some of
the lines don't sound right and I end up changing them.  Any
help you can offer will be appreciated.

Cathy~

Hi larrysgirl5548,

Okay, I have copied first two stanzas into Microsoft Word and will work on them next few days.  Then will post them within this thread for further comment by anyone.  

Do not worry too much about meter, as it is more mechanical than rhythm, which is more important.  Many seldom worry about meter or cadence.  I hope to help you as one desiring to become more proficient in art of poetry.

I chuckle at your concern about having to rework.  What do you think poetry is about?  Novelists rewrite seemingly forever.  Poetry is tougher than prose.  Barring a few geniuses, of course.  

I personnally like the stricter requirements of rhyming forms because of the difficult challenge.  My personality is love of lots of detail to juggle.

See ya later.

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks Don!  I really appreciate the extra time you are
putting into this for me.  I know what you mean about reworking
though...I'm always redoing something I'd written months ago!
Anyway, this one's kinda special and I want it to be right.

Cathy~

[Arnfinn]

Hi Cathy

It's me again.

MM's a close-knit family of poets.
Just want to mention my previous thoughts. I wasn't basing your poem-story-fairytale on correct poetry principles. Yep I know this is forum for following the meter and rhyme and form. I just mentioned that, in my opinion, it would make a good fairytale. I thought also the story lent itself to exciting illustrations that would appeal to young minds.

Dons been very helpful on the poetry side of things.

Good on ya Donny, they should be justabout ready to plough for the summer crops.

Regards,




 :dragon:  :dragon:  :dragon:  :dragon:  :dragon:  :dragon:  :dragon:



Arnie  :troy:  :wizard:

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I wasn't basing your poem-story-fairytale on correct poetry principles.

It's a good thing because it probably wouldn't float!  lol

Cathy :block:

[Guest_Don_*]

larrysgirl5548~~

Scansion of first eight-lines by Don (Holmes).

Pasting external file into this thread lost bold font used to show
S =stressed syllables and normal font for u = unstressed.
Suggestion is to copy following text into your own wordprocessing program to print and play at will.  

The vertical hash marks lined up in original text copied/pasted.
Another reason to use your own word processor.


MIDNIGHT ODYSSEY~II~A WILD RIDE

At day's end,|the drow|sy sun|descends|and qui|etly nods off|to
|u    S      S    |  u     S   |u   S    | u     S     |  u    S   | u u   S     S  | u  
| bacchius     |    iamb   | iamb  |    iamb   |   iamb  |double iamb |iamb
sleep; |
   S     |
now Ash|abrack|can come out|to play|while others|begin|to count
|  u     S  |u   S    |  u      S      S  | u    S   |   u        S     | u  S  |  u     S
|  iamb   |  iamb | bacchius       |  iamb   |     iamb       | iamb | bacchius
sheep.|
   S     |
The stars|are dot|ing blue-|ebony skies|shyly|winking|hello|
|  u     S  |  u   S  |  u     S    | S u u     S   | S  u |  S    u   |  u S  |
|  iamb   | iamb  | iamb       | choriamb |trochee|trochee|iamb|
as they trip,|toe-to-tip|across|the twilight|in its|pinkened glow.|
| u   S     S  | S    u   S  |  u  S   |  u   S    u   | u  S |  S      u       S    |
| bacchius   |amphimacer|iamb|amphibrach|iamb|  amphimacer   |
Overstuffed|clouds of|ivory|invite|a bounce| into|oblivion;
|  u  u   S     |    S      u  |S  u | u  S  |  u    S      |  S u | u S u u |
|   anapest   |  trochee |trochee|iamb|  iamb  |trochee| paeon |
watch for|tiny|fairies|who are|preparing|for their|cotillion.|
|  s      u | S u|  S  u  |  S      u |  u   S   u |  u     S   |  u S  u   |
trochee |iamb|trochee|trochee|amphibrach|iamb|amphibrach|
Ashabrack|is friends|with all|of them,| big and small|alike.|
| S   u   S   | u    S      | u     S  | u   S      | S     u      S     | u  S   |
|amphimacer|  iamb   |  iamb  |  iamb   |   amphimacer | iamb |
It makes no|difference|who they be,|even|the small|est tyke.|
|u   S       u  | S   u  u   |   u      S     u  | S u | u      S    | u    S    |
|amphibrach|   dactyl  | amphibrach |trochee|  iamb  |  iamb   |


Strongly dislike change of metric foot for Ashabrack in line-seven, but did not see any choice.

Qui et ly is three-syllables. (Suu)

Pink ened (Su) seems to be made-up.  I chose to stress core word and combine remainder as unstressed.

O ver stuffed  (uuS) is three-syllables.

Per dictionary i vo ry (Suu) is three-syllables, but I chose to pronounce it as two, ivree with ictus (stress)  on first syllable (shown bold) per dictionary.

O bliv I on (uSuu) is four-syllables. A paeon (paeonic) metric foot is rare.
A paeon is one stressed in four, in any combination.

Diff er ence (Suu) is three-syllables.

A choriamb metric foot as marked (SuuS) above  is also rare.

I am certain other scansions are viable.  Eventually Cathy, you the author, should have best idea of metric feet applied becasue you determine intended pauses and inflections.
For example: First two iambs in line one could be joined into a single foot—diamb (uSuS)— to verbally run them together.  Most poets would never do this, but it shows viable complications.

Following is a Table of Metric Feet—22 of them:
http://www.noggs.dsl.pipex.com/vf/feet.htm

Add to above table:
monosyllable (monosyllabic)  stressed (wow is an example)

As mentioned before, Cathy, some areas of poetry take a lot of work and patience.  Take your time.  I've some simple suggestion towards achieving simpler metric meter, which I amwilling to covered later.  Please remind me.

As a final disclaimer, I am a novice that's had a lot of exposure to pass along.  You too can become a bore.

Hopefully, this lights a candle for open dialog in scansion.

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Wow you did a lot of work on this!  I will take some time
to study and see how much of it will soak into my brain!  lol

Thanks alot for going to all this trouble Don!  It's much
appreciated!

Cathy

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi larrysgirl5548,

You see why I asked before expending the time.  In this instance the highlight of the effort may be file folder.  I also learned, for which I thank you.

The mix of metric feet in your poem is a classic contradiction of general guidline that consistent type of foot assures satisfactory rhythm, which implies that inconsistent is detrimental.

Your extra long lines also fly in the face of convention.  The total effect is unexpectedly pleasing despite absence of conventional mechanical do's and don'ts.  Your poem is like seeing an angel fly with its wings lying on ground.  What use does an angel have of laws of Physics?

I encourage you to garner what you will from this study, but please note you are delightfully different and, hopefully, a more natural poet than mechanical instruction limits.

Sure hope someone of superior expertise than mine looks into this issue.

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

You see why I asked before expending the time.  In this instance the highlight of the effort may be file folder.  I also learned, for which I thank you.

I'm glad that it was beneficial for you as well.

Your extra long lines also fly in the face of convention.  The total effect is unexpectedly pleasing despite absence of conventional mechanical do's and don'ts.  Your poem is like seeing an angel fly with its wings lying on ground.  What use does an angel have of laws of Physics?

I encourage you to garner what you will from this study, but please note you are delightfully different and, hopefully, a more natural poet than mechanical instruction limits.

I've always marched a beat off from everyone else.  lol  Maybe this time it's not such a bad thing!  *smile*

I really appreciate the effort you've put forth on my behalf.  

Cathy