Cassandra's Etheree, An Etheree form Options

[Guest_Don_*]

Cassandra’s Etheree

Fate
foretells
a deceit
as months nimbly
fly.  A village stares
at loss when industry
bids goodbye.  Then pillars can
raze the dead, and point to large star
in sky.  “Whale-Mart is bright,” shall be said;
and without pay we will bewail and sigh.

© 2004 D.E. Holmes
30 March 2004

Form:  Etheree  (invented by Etheree Taylor Armstrong)
Lines: 10
Syllables: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10
Rhyme scheme: none
Meter: optional

First construct was a rough rhyming verse—which explains internal rhyme and lousy meter.  It was rewritten in prose and modified for required 55 syllables.
Last was breaking lines into required number of syllables.

I chose Trojan Princess Cassandra because her predictions were always correct, but ignored for lack of belief.

An afterthought:  Although unintentional, I think the discordant meter aspect is excellent symbol of underlying social upheaval disturbance.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Wow Don!

This IS an intriguing  :grinning: form! I have no nits!

A wonderful story wiht so few words...55 syllables...quite a feat!

I bow : to your skill!

Cheers!
~Cleo

[Siren]

Don,

An intriguing form. I enjoyed reading this.

Daniah

[Guest_Don_*]

To Cleo &
To Siren,

The form was introduced here at MM by aka Aphrodite, Lindi B.

She requested I enter an Etheree...whalla.

Very glad you enjoyed it, Lori.

Very glad that you also enjoyed it, Daniah.

Don  :tut:

[Aphrodite]

Hello Don, Master of the Ethere!

You did such a fantastic job in not only keeping the tight syllable count, but  also in writing such a clever and thoughtful piece!
I love the play on words in this line:
"Then pillars can raze the dead, and point to large star in sky.  “Whale-Mart is bright,” shall be said;and without pay we will bewail and sigh." *****awesome!

The only suggestion I have is to merge these two lines.
I believe that the sentence and idea reads smoother as one.
Just a suggestion.

A village stares
at loss when industry
bids goodbye(,) (t)hen pillars can
raze the dead, and point to large star
in sky.  “Whale-Mart is bright,” shall be said;
and without pay we will bewail and sigh.  


Bravo, Don! You did a great job! (I knew you would)  

I look forward to more.
Blessings~
Lindi

[Guest_Don_*]

Hello Don,

The only suggestion I have is to merge these two lines.
I believe that the sentence and idea reads smoother as one.
Just a suggestion.

A village stares
at loss when industry
bids goodbye(,) (t)hen pillars can
raze the dead, and point to large star
in sky.  “Whale-Mart is bright,” shall be said;
and without pay we will bewail and sigh.

I look forward to more.
Blessings~
Lindi

Hi Lindi,

I fear the commas will be mistaken for paranthetical phrase...easily corrected in subsequent reads, but I would like to allow a single pass to be sufficient.

What if I took your (excellent) suggestion and deleted comma after "dead" for a compound verb?

starting within line 5....
... A village stares
at loss when industry
bids goodbye, then pillars can raze the dead and point to large star
in sky. etc., etc.

Another title might be Outsourcing.

Awaiting your answer, Aphrodite.

I had a flash the other night.  Considering how I generated this Etheree from another poem (described in original posting), many existing ones could be similarly rewritten into Etheree format.  The seeds are already planted and need only be watered and reaped.

Don  :pharoah2

[Guest_blondie_*]

Dear Don,

Seems you have received several comments already, however, I wanted to mention how much I enjoyed this one.  All of the components...the symbolism, the thought, the form and meter....they all work together.  I admire your talent. :)

~Amy~

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Amy, aka blondie,

Thank you for your gracious blessing.

I am only following Aprodite's Etheree lead.

Do you have a particular verse that you would like me to read or to comment upon?

Don  

[Aphrodite]

Hello, Don, my friend,

In response to you:

"What if I took your (excellent) suggestion and deleted comma after "dead" for a compound verb?
starting within line 5....
... A village stares
at loss when industry
bids goodbye, then pillars can raze the dead and point to large star
in sky. etc., etc."

In my humble opinion.......yes!
Again, I love your poem, and pointed out this minor nit because I felt that it interfered slightly with the flow.  
However, as is, it is a great piece!:)

"Another title might be "Outsourcing." Hmmm........me likes!!!!!!!!!:)

Continued success in writing so well!      

Blessings~
Lindi

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Lindi,

Thanks for taking time to rehash my counter suggestions.  I think your original suggestions were perfect.  I will change original to last agreement.  I plan to keep original as is for record purposes and title revision "Outsourcing."

My goodness, don't you work for overtime pay Saturdays???

Ohio unemployment is very high and the TV national news was touting how this March has the highest employment in four years.  I quiped to a chum, "I didn't know the job market had been depressed that long."

Thanks again Aphrodite

Don  :pharoah2

[Aphrodite]

Hi Lindi,

Thanks for taking time to rehash my counter suggestions.  I think your original suggestions were perfect.  I will change original to last agreement.  I plan to keep original as is for record purposes and title revision "Outsourcing."

My goodness, don't you work for overtime pay Saturdays???

Ohio unemployment is very high and the TV national news was touting how this March has the highest employment in four years.  I quiped to a chum, "I didn't know the job market had been depressed that long."

Thanks again Aphrodite

Don  :pharoah2

Hi Don~


         :pharoah2  :pharoah2

Blessings~
Lindi