 Spring Bride - REVISION 3, FV |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Mar 24 08, 06:52
Post
#1
|
|
 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
Spring Bride (REVISION 3)
Radiant, she arrives, her gown sown with snowdrops; daffodil adorned tendrils shimmer in the dew. Peacocks flutter false eyes --flitter russet wings among posies of forget-me-nots and marigolds reflecting tints of amber sunrays kissing morning sky. Robin dressed in scarlet vest, sings solo on a hedgerow stage twiddle-oo, twiddle-eedee. Blue tits puff out yellow chests tsee-tsee-tsu-hu-hu-hu-hu, to trill in harmony. Breezes flirt with cherry trees, teasing blossoms to confetti aisles. Creatures rise cheering her procession to daisy studded meadows. United they dance, until she casts her bouquet ... summer serenades imbue the air, commencing a sultry honeymoon. ------------------------------------------------- Spring Bride (REVISION 2) Radiant, she arrives, her gown scattered with snowdrops; tendrils adorned with daffodils, shimmering with dew. Peacocks flutter false eyes, flittering crimson wings among posies of forget-me-nots and marigolds reflecting tints of morning sky, kissed by amber sunrays. On a hedgerow stage, Robin dressed in scarlet vest, sings solo twiddle-oo, twiddle-eedee. Blue tits puff out yellow chests and harmonize in chorus tsee-tsee-tsu-hu-hu-hu-h. Breezes flirt with cherry trees, teasing blossoms to confetti earthy aisles; creatures rise cheering her procession, to daisy studded meadows where they unite to dance, until summer serenades imbue the air beginning a sultry honeymoon. ---------------------------------------- Spring Bride (REVISION 1) Radiant, she arrives, her gown scattered with snowdrops; tendrils adorned with daffodils, shimmering in the sun. Crimson winged peacocks flutter false eyes, flitting among blue and gold bouquets; forget-me-nots and marigolds. On a hedgerow stage, Robin dressed in scarlet vest, sings solo twiddle-oo, twiddle-eedee. Blue tits puff out yellow chests and harmonize in chorus tsee-tsee-tsu-hu-hu-hu-hu. Breezes whisper, teasing cherry blossoms to confetti earthy aisles, that lead to daisy jewelled meadows, where she dances. Creatures stir to frolic at her wedding celebration. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Spring Bride Radiant, she arrives in snowdrop gown; tendrils adorned with daffodils, shimmering in the sun. *Peacocks flutter false eyes and flit among forget-me-knot and marigold bouquets. On a hedgerow stage, Robin dressed in crimson vest, sings solo twiddle-oo, twiddle-eedee Blue tits puff out yellow chests harmonise in chorus tsee-tsee-tsu-hu-hu-hu-hu. Gentle breezes tease cherry trees to dust grassy aisles with blossoms, while creatures stir to frolic uniting in Spring’s celebration. * peacocks refer to peacock butterflies ·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
  
|
|
|
Mar 27 08, 12:20
Post
#2
|
|
 Ornate Oracle Posts: 9,089 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Snow!
This is very pretty, I especially like the title, since you personify Spring in all her beauty, like a real life bride... at least, that's how I interpret it. Let's see now, to toss or take... . QUOTE (Eisa @ Mar 24 08, 14:52 ) [snapback]107298[/snapback] This is the 1st new poem I've written in ages, so it's still in the early satges & open to any suggestions for change.
Spring Bride Radiant, she arrives in snowdrop gown; tendrils adorned with daffodils, shimmering in the sun. Beautiful opening S!!! *Peacocks flutter false eyes I admit I was puzzled by 'peacocks'... and I like your alliteration. and flit among forget-me-knot Maybe 'flitting'? and marigold bouquets. On a hedgerow stage, Robin dressed in crimson vest, sings solo twiddle-oo, twiddle-eedee Blue tits puff out yellow chests harmonise in chorus tsee-tsee-tsu-hu-hu-hu-hu. I love this S, but have trouble pronouncing your onomatopoeia. We don't have those birds in my big city!!! Nothing to worry about....LOL.... Gentle breezes tease cherry trees to dust grassy aisles with blossoms, while creatures stir to frolic uniting in Spring’s celebration. S4 is lovely, as well. My little nits are: L1: Too many words with 'e'. I know there's good alliteration in that line, but it reminds me of that exercise where you have to count all the 'e's in a sentence...LOL....don't mind me, just a remark, Snow. L2: Not sure about 'dust', maybe there's some other word like 'carpet' or 'colour' or something else...can't think now! You've written a delicately imaged work; if it's in the first stages, then even more's the merit. Hugs, Syl *** * peacocks refer to peacock butterflies ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner      |
|
|
|
|
Mar 27 08, 14:42
Post
#3
|
|
 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Hi Snow
I rather like it! Thanks for sharing it! (I will think about it.) Perhaps more showing not telling? Just my immediate thoughts? I could be wrong!!!! Love the imagery! We, are anticipating Winter here!!!!! PP ······· ······· |
|
|
|
| Guest_Xanadu_* |
Mar 28 08, 11:44
Post
#4
|
 |
Lovely write.
Just an idea: "a shift of scattered snowdrops." I look forward to your revision. |
|
|
|
|
Mar 30 08, 08:25
Post
#5
|
|
 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Snow,
What a lovely poem to signal Spring's arrival and beauty!   Don't change the title - it's PERFECT!  There's not much to nit, you've really indulged the senses with this fine write!Radiant, she arrives in snowdrop gown; tendrils adorned with daffodils, < - no comma required here. shimmering in the sun. A lovely opening! I’m not familiar with ‘snowdrop’, what does it mean? Is it just the color or is it also a type of material? Peacocks flutter false eyes and flit among forget-me-knot < - I think it’s nots, not knots? and marigold bouquets. Beautiful – perhaps you could add a splash of color for the peacocks and forget-me-nots? Perhaps: Rainbow peacocks, sky-blue forget-me-nots? On a hedgerow stage, Robin dressed in crimson vest, sings solo twiddle-oo, twiddle-eedee < - add endstop? Blue tits puff out yellow chests harmonise in chorus tsee-tsee-tsu-hu-hu-hu-hu. Sweet sensory music to my ears! Gentle breezes tease cherry trees < - nice inner rhymes to dust grassy aisles with blossoms, while creatures stir to frolic uniting in Spring’s celebration. Very lovely Snow! Enjoyed the read! Happy Spring! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Apr 1 08, 18:00
Post
#6
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Psyche @ Mar 27 08, 17:20 ) [snapback]107331[/snapback] Hi Snow!
This is very pretty, I especially like the title, since you personify Spring in all her beauty, like a real life bride... at least, that's how I interpret it. Let's see now, to toss or take... . Hi Syl -- you'r interpretation is spot on! QUOTE (Eisa @ Mar 24 08, 14:52 ) [snapback]107298[/snapback] This is the 1st new poem I've written in ages, so it's still in the early satges & open to any suggestions for change. Spring Bride Radiant, she arrives in snowdrop gown; tendrils adorned with daffodils, shimmering in the sun. Beautiful opening S!!! *Peacocks flutter false eyes I admit I was puzzled by 'peacocks'... and I like your alliteration. I am rewriting this slightly to make the peacocks a bit clearer and flit among forget-me-knot Maybe 'flitting'? and marigold bouquets. I like flitting! On a hedgerow stage, Robin dressed in crimson vest, sings solo twiddle-oo, twiddle-eedee Blue tits puff out yellow chests harmonise in chorus tsee-tsee-tsu-hu-hu-hu-hu. I love this S, but have trouble pronouncing your onomatopoeia. We don't have those birds in my big city!!! Nothing to worry about....LOL.... Yes - I have trouble pronouncing this too - LOL! Gentle breezes tease cherry trees to dust grassy aisles with blossoms, while creatures stir to frolic uniting in Spring’s celebration. S4 is lovely, as well. My little nits are: L1: Too many words with 'e'. I know there's good alliteration in that line, but it reminds me of that exercise where you have to count all the 'e's in a sentence...LOL....don't mind me, just a remark, Snow. Mmm... I have been wondering about all those eeeee's and may have found a way round it L2: Not sure about 'dust', maybe there's some other word like 'carpet' or 'colour' or something else...can't think now! I'l think on that Syl You've written a delicately imaged work; if it's in the first stages, then even more's the merit. Hugs, Syl *** Thanks Syl - your thoughts have been very helpful to me Hugs Snow  * peacocks refer to peacock butterflies ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Apr 1 08, 18:02
Post
#7
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Peterpan @ Mar 27 08, 19:42 ) [snapback]107332[/snapback] Hi Snow I rather like it! Thanks for sharing it! (I will think about it.) Perhaps more showing not telling? Just my immediate thoughts? I could be wrong!!!! Love the imagery! We, are anticipating Winter here!!!!! PP Hi Bev - thanks for calling -more showing - I'll think on that! Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Apr 1 08, 18:04
Post
#8
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Xanadu @ Mar 28 08, 16:44 ) [snapback]107339[/snapback] Lovely write. Just an idea: "a shift of scattered snowdrops." I look forward to your revision. Hi Linda I do like your suggestion very much - although I'm not sure about the shift - some might think it refers to an under garment. I think I'll use the scattered snowdrops though - lovely image! Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Apr 1 08, 18:09
Post
#9
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Lori
Thanks for your suggestions, which have very helpful. The snowdrop is a spring flower here in UK - a very dainty white flower. I have made a few changes in last St - would appreciate your thoughts. Hugs Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Apr 2 08, 05:59
Post
#10
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Snow,
Three cheers on the changes in your revision!  Thanks for letting me know what those 'snowdrops' are too! Here's just a few more thoughts on your rev to ponder as you wish. Cheers ~Cleo  Radiant, she arrives, her gown scattered with snowdrops; tendrils adorned with daffodils, shimmering in the sun. This is a more stunning opening methinks!  Crimson winged peacocks flutter false eyes, flitting among blue and gold bouquets; forget-me-nots and marigolds. Ah, now there ya go, adding splashes of color, yay! One suggestion: add the word 'of' before forget-me-knots and delete that semi-colon if you do. A different approach might be to liven up those bouquets with action: flitting among blue and gold impassioned bouquets of forget-me-nots and marigolds. On a hedgerow stage, Robin dressed in scarlet vest, sings solo twiddle-oo, twiddle-eedee. Blue tits puff out yellow chests and harmonize in chorus tsee-tsee-tsu-hu-hu-hu-hu. Hmm, nice change with scarlet - would like to see those italics back in L3 & L6. Breezes whisper, teasing cherry blossoms < I liked 'trees' for the alliteration IMHO. to confetti earthy aisles, that lead to daisy jewelled meadows, where she dances. Creatures stir < - suggest curtsey in place of stir, and add a word after dances, like 'gracefully' and perhaps continue the thought in place of an endstop: gracefully; creatures curtsey and frolic blessing her wedded celebration. to frolic at her wedding celebration. ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Apr 16 08, 18:37
Post
#11
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Lori
Sorry I've been a long time getting back to you on this one, but your comments have got my thoughts racing to a second revision. LOL! Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Apr 27 08, 19:26
Post
#12
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Revision 3
Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Apr 28 08, 17:17
Post
#13
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle Posts: 9,089 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Snow!
 Hmmmm....!!! Great revision, I see that you've taken this one seriously, worked hard, and the end result is simply beautiful. Congrats and bring on some more....I need this sort of poetry now that I'm facing Winter...wow...  Hugs, Syl *** 
······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Apr 30 08, 18:08
Post
#14
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Psyche @ Apr 28 08, 22:17 ) [snapback]107834[/snapback] Hi Snow! Hmmmm....!!! Great revision, I see that you've taken this one seriously, worked hard, and the end result is simply beautiful. Congrats and bring on some more....I need this sort of poetry now that I'm facing Winter...wow... Hugs, Syl *** Oh thanks Syl!!! - you have made my day! I do have some other spring poems tucked away - I'll have to dig them out. I am pleased I've managed to get this written as I started it last spring, but couldn't seem to get it going. Hugs Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
May 4 08, 12:01
Post
#15
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Snow,
This is coming along well, although I think this latest revision loses a bit of the romantic innocence a bit, IMHO. I've jotted down a few ideas to ponder as you wish. Enjoyed the read (again)! ~Cleo Radiant, she arrives, her gown sown with snowdrops; tendrils adorned with daffodils, shimmering with dew. In this rev, you’ve got three ‘with’s in the opening stanza. I suggest a slight change to something like: Radiant, she arrives, her gown sown with snowdrops; daffodil adorned tendrils shimmer in dawn’s dew. Peacocks flutter false eyes, flittering brick-red wings (IMHO, I think crimson is more feminine word than brick-red) among posies of forget-me-nots and marigolds reflecting tints of amber sunrays osculating morning sky. I would like to see ‘kissing’ the morn’s sky’ here as I think osculating is less romantic than the word kissing. Robin dressed in scarlet vest, sings solo on a hedgerow stage twiddle-oo, twiddle-eedee. (Still would like to see this italicized) Blue tits puff out yellow chests tsee-tsee-tsu-hu-hu-hu-hu, (Still would like to see this italicized) Breezes flirt with cherry trees, teasing blossoms to confetti earthy aisles. Creatures rise *not sure you need ‘earthy’? cheering her procession, no comma needed to daisy studded meadows. United they dance, until she casts her bouquet, scattering not sure you need all this, wordy? flowers across the land as summer serenades imbue the air, commencing a sultry honeymoon. wedded bliss? I suggest a slight reworking of line breaks to something like: Breezes flirt with cherry trees, teasing blossoms to confetti aisles. Creatures rise cheering her procession to daisy studded meadows. United they dance, until she casts her bouquet… summer serenades imbue the air, commencing in wedded bliss. ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
May 4 08, 18:35
Post
#16
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Lori - thanks for coming back to this one!
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ May 4 08, 17:01 ) [snapback]107892[/snapback] Hi Snow,
This is coming along well, although I think this latest revision loses a bit of the romantic innocence a bit, IMHO. I've jotted down a few ideas to ponder as you wish. Enjoyed the read (again)! ~Cleo Radiant, she arrives, her gown sown with snowdrops; tendrils adorned with daffodils, shimmering with dew. In this rev, you’ve got three ‘with’s in the opening stanza. I suggest a slight change to something like: Radiant, she arrives, her gown sown with snowdrops; daffodil adorned tendrils shimmer in dawn’s dew. Good catch Lori - I hadn't noticed the 3 with's Peacocks flutter false eyes, flittering brick-red wings (IMHO, I think crimson is more feminine word than brick-red) among posies of forget-me-nots and marigolds reflecting tints of amber sunrays osculating morning sky. I would like to see ‘kissing’ the morn’s sky’ here as I think osculating is less romantic than the word kissing. L2 - yes I agree about the crimson wings, except they have red-brown wings. I'm sure there is a word to describe the colour better than brick-red, but I can't for the lif of me think of it at the moment! LOL! I originally had kissing for the last line - it does sound more romantic! Robin dressed in scarlet vest, sings solo on a hedgerow stage twiddle-oo, twiddle-eedee. (Still would like to see this italicized) Blue tits puff out yellow chests tsee-tsee-tsu-hu-hu-hu-hu, (Still would like to see this italicized) Oh! I keep forgetting to italicize the bird songs - must change it now! Breezes flirt with cherry trees, teasing blossoms to confetti earthy aisles. Creatures rise *not sure you need ‘earthy’? cheering her procession, no comma needed to daisy studded meadows. United they dance, until she casts her bouquet, scattering not sure you need all this, wordy? flowers across the land as summer serenades imbue the air, commencing a sultry honeymoon. wedded bliss? I suggest a slight reworking of line breaks to something like: Breezes flirt with cherry trees, teasing blossoms to confetti aisles. Creatures rise cheering her procession to daisy studded meadows. United they dance, until she casts her bouquet… summer serenades imbue the air, commencing in wedded bliss. Mmmm... I did feel the ending might be getting too wordy. Earthy can go! I'm not sure about 'wedded bliss' as that is a bit cliche - I'll think on an alternative for that line. Well, thanks Lori, I'll get some tweake done straight away and think on your other suggestions. Hugs Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
May 4 08, 19:02
Post
#17
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle Posts: 9,089 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Snow!
Just popping in to suggest "russet" for brick-red. Must go now, your poem is truly radiant. Hugs, Syl*** ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
May 4 08, 19:38
Post
#18
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Psyche @ May 5 08, 01:02 ) [snapback]107925[/snapback] Hi Snow! Just popping in to suggest "russet" for brick-red. Must go now, your poem is truly radiant. Hugs, Syl*** Oh hugs Syl - that word has been hiding from me for days! That's just what I want! Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
| Guest_Melody Dancer_* |
May 6 08, 20:16
Post
#19
|
|
|
I'm a total newb at commenting but hope I can help...
QUOTE (Eisa @ Mar 24 08, 04:52 ) [snapback]107298[/snapback] Spring Bride (REVISION 3) Radiant, she arrives, her gown Do you need the comma between "radiant" and "she" sown with snowdrops; daffodil adorned tendrils shimmer in the dew. Peacocks flutter false eyes --flitter russet wings among posies of forget-me-nots and marigolds reflecting tints of amber sunrays kissing morning sky. could you put in "a" or "the" between "Kissing/Morning" Robin dressed in scarlet vest, sings solo on a hedgerow stage twiddle-oo, twiddle-eedee. Blue tits puff out yellow chests tsee-tsee-tsu-hu-hu-hu-hu, to trill in harmony. Fantastic images Breezes flirt with cherry trees, teasing blossoms to confetti aisles. Creatures rise cheering her procession to daisy studded meadows. United they dance, until she casts her bouquet ... summer serenades imbue the air, commencing a sultry honeymoon. This poem has really come a long way and there really isn't much for me to critique...the images that you have painted are really vivid... 
|
|
|
|
|
May 8 08, 17:43
Post
#20
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Melody - thanks for your sugestions which I will consider when I'm more awake - I'm almost falling asleep at the computer tonight. LOL!
Thanks! Eira ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 15th June 2024 - 08:10 |
Read our FLYERS - click below
|
| more Quotes |
| ||
|
|
|
|
