Minute thoughts Options

[Aggiel]

Minute thoughts

Greet each bouquet of bright sunshine
with  hope divine,
share sunny heart,
cherish, impart.

Drink every droplet of sweet tea,
eat a baked pea
and toasted bread
with butter spread.

Explore every  minute of  life,
the joy or strife,
vacate your mind
of deeds unkind.



Aggiel

Minute thoughts

Greet each bouquet of bright sunshine
with  hope divine,
share sunny heart,
detour from chart.

Drink every droplet of sweet tea,
eat a baked pea
and toasted bread
with butter spread.

Explore every  minute of  life,
the joy or strife,
absent your mind
from deeds unkind.

[ArtesiaMeeks]

Wow!!!

Aggie, this is wonderful.  I can't see how you can improve it.l

AM

[jgdittier]

Dear Aggie,
As AM says, "Wow"
(Funny, when I typed the above line, I mistakenly hit the e ajacent to the w, resulting in a "Woe"!. Glad I noticed the typo.

I'm maybe the farthest-out advocate of poetic beat and so when I saw the short lines and the beat on the first syllable, I knew I'd be here at the puter for a time.
You've a jaunty bounce here. If your heavy beats were balls being tossed in the air by a juggler, I believe the spectators would have an unforgettable experience but the juggler hard put to catch them all.

I recognize that most modern  poets care less now for beat than my bards of yore and so am not suggesting changes as I doubt my thoughts would make "Minute Thoughts" more  pleasing to the public.

My thoughts:
-If you polish this further, do it once with excess emphasis on beat
-If you do review beat, lengthen the poem  a bit by adding new short lines (incessant beat gains power with length)
-Write it in trochees with occasional dactylics as you like
-keep the title, it's perfect!

I'll follow this one along.
Cheers,    ron  jgd

[Aggiel]

Carol,

I  am happy younare here to read my poem. Thanks for
the comments.



Aggie

[Aggiel]

Hi Ron,

I am happy you have deleted  WOE and typed  WOU instead. Though
my  original piece of work, which  is actually a  MINUTE  in length,
jaunts all the way to the end, with wrong twists and turns.

As usual, it doesn’t escape your keen eyes.

Thanks for some useful suggestions.



Aggie

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Aggie..I thought that I could write minimalistic poems but this is far far better than any one of mine so far....done well and wih a lot of punch packed into the imagry.
Steve

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Aggie,

Not a minute thought in your theme despite the tite.  I do not fathom reason for long first line.

Enjoyed it very much.

Thanks for sharing.

Don

[jgdittier]

Dear Aggie,
Yours is my first "minute" so I'd not want to extend it past its intended time and thank you for my learning of the day.
Cheers,   Ron  jgd

[Aggiel]

Hi Steve,

Here is a Minute thread here at MM.

http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=4159


Yes, it is short and sweet.


Thanks for dropping by to read my Minute.




Aggiel

[Aggiel]

Hi Don,

Neither do I, but it's a Minute, and I suppose, there's a
long hand and a short hand in a clock. Just kidding.

Thanks a lot




Aggiel

[Aggiel]

Ron,

Yes, a Minute is a Minute, the length and shape.

But I am still working on the beats like you suggested.


Thanks





Aggiel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Aggie.

I enjoyed another of your Minute poems here!  :dance:

Good words to live by in this sweet, short piece!  :sun:

I've two suggestions for you to ponder - as always take or toss them as you wish.  :wizard:

Good to read your poetry again!  :cloud9:

~Cleo  :arwen:

Greet each bouquet of bright sunshine    
with hope divine,
share sunny heart,
{detour from chart.}
[cherish; impart.]

Explore every minute of life,
the joy or strife,
{absent your mind
from deeds unkind.}
[vacate your mind
of deeds unkind.]

[Aggiel]

Hi Lori,

It's good to see you here.

Thanks for the suggested lines. I think they fit well
into this minute.




Aggiel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Aggie.

Glad to be of some assistance for this sweet piece!

Cheers
Cleo :pharoah2