Chime of Life ~ Revision 7, 14 Sep 07, Wizard Award ~ (from Flash 54) Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

This is in response to "The Old Clock on the Stairs" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

. .

Chime of Life

From rays of dawn to blackest night
the chime of life is always bright
upon the face of charity.
It simmers like a potpourri
of potent scents attracting those
whose wisdom-laden words compose --
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

Through lifelong feats of honesty
we're moved by those whose quality
ideals will tend to make us flock
collectively, reset our clock.
Intent on keeping these alive,
we operate with utmost pride --
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

As if timepieces on the wall
they churn their gears as muses scrawl;
we wind them up with practiced skill
then shine their case with cultured will.
As charismatic acts tick on
in wonderment, we’re always drawn --
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter

<sub>Rev 1:
was: of potent scents: inviting those
who share insightful words composed –

Rev 2:
formerly:
In rays of dawn and blackest night
Through times of want and often need
and shine its case with cultured will;
reviving our community –

Rev 3:
removed closing stanza:
We demonstrate the utmost pride,
pay umbrage to the ones who’ve lied
and tried to slow the chime of life,
content to cause discord and strife.
Unchanged, we stand in unity
restoring our community –
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

Rev 4:
Punctuation changes in S1 & S3
S3L3: gentle skill to practiced skill (TY Michelle)

Rev 5:
S2 was --
Through times of want or often need,
through times of insight and of greed,
through every feeling we’ve oft felt,
amend assumptions we’ve been dealt;
we sense that clang upon the heart
to beat as one and seldom part -
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

and

As if a clock upon the wall

Rev 6: changed from collectively, revive our clock.

Rev 7:
Was: Through lifelong feats of honesty
we’re moved by those of quality
ideals; we tend to often flock
collectively, reset our clock.
Content to keep these deeds alive,
we operate with utmost pride --

As if a timepiece on the wall
whose gears are churned with muses’ scrawl,
we wind it up with practiced skill
then shine its case with cultured will.
As magnetizing acts tick on
in wonderment, we’re always drawn --</sub>


This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Nov 4 07, 10:10

Reason for edit: Rev 6

[heartsong7]

Hi Lori...
Delightfully insightful.
Your rhythm compliments the message very well.
I see lots to admire and little I would change.
Your rhymes are good and mostly true with a couple of unique pairs:
charity/ popourri and unity/community.
I don't usually mind a slant or two but because of the purity of rhyme throughout and the lines being couplets, I think the those/composed pair doesn't work well.
maybe something like:
of potent scents: inviting those
whose wisdom laden words compose –

The title is wonderful..."Chime of Life"
gotta luvit!

Take care.
Sue

[Cleo_Serapis]

Ohhhh -thank you very much Sue!

I appreciate your commentary and will ammend to your wonderful suggestion. I also feel a few of the 'ands' must go and will look to further suggestions.

Cheers
~Cleo

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori,

I love the message in this and the rhythm is so smooth and pleasant. I see that you want to avoid some of the 'and's' so I've offered a couple of alternatives for you to consider. I also love the title... it fits perfectly. As time ticks away... I can hear the grandfather clock chiming the time! I like the repeat at the end of each verse too. That in itself paints the image of the ticking of a clock. It kinda puts me in mind of the adage... enjoy life to the fullest. One day those chimes aren't going to make a sound.

Enjoyed the read~
Cathy


In rays of dawn and blackest night

'From rays of dawn to blackest night'... to avoid an 'and'

the chime of life is always bright,
upon the face of charity;
it simmers like a potpourri
of potent scents: inviting those
whose wisdom laden words compose –
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

Through times of want and often need,

'Through times of want or often need'... to avoid another 'and'

through times of insight and of greed,
through every feeling we’ve oft felt,

I'm not sure about the 3 lines beginning with 'through' but darned if I can come up with a suggestion! LOL

amend assumptions we’ve been dealt;
we sense that clang upon the heart
to beat as one and seldom part -
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

As if a clock upon the wall
whose gears are churned with muses’ scrawl,
we wind it up with gentle skill,
{and}[then] shine its case with cultured will;
as magnetizing acts tick on,
in wonderment we’re always drawn –
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

We demonstrate the utmost pride,
pay umbrage to the ones who’ve lied
and tried to slow the chime of life[,]
content to cause discord and strife.
Unchanged, we stand in unity
reviving our community –
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Cathy.

Thanks so much - I tried to mimic the original poem's style and look forward to your thoughts. I was trying to think of a way to express time and people (and even thought of our home here) as the focus. It's all about life and to take every minute to the fullest. You never know when your 'time' is up.

Hi Lori,

I love the message in this and the rhythm is so smooth and pleasant. I see that you want to avoid some of the 'and's' so I've offered a couple of alternatives for you to consider. I also love the title... it fits perfectly. As time ticks away... I can hear the grandfather clock chiming the time! I like the repeat at the end of each verse too. That in itself paints the image of the ticking of a clock. It kinda puts me in mind of the adage... enjoy life to the fullest. One day those chimes aren't going to make a sound.

Enjoyed the read~
Cathy

In rays of dawn and blackest night

'From rays of dawn to blackest night'... to avoid an 'and'
Oh yes - that will work and also open it will 'time is constant' - thankies!

Through times of want and often need,

'Through times of want or often need'... to avoid another 'and'
Yes - this will work too without changing the meaning there - thanks again!

through times of insight and of greed,
through every feeling we’ve oft felt,

I'm not sure about the 3 lines beginning with 'through' but darned if I can come up with a suggestion! LOL
Here, I am following the stanza pattern of the original, with emphasis on 'feelings and actions'.

As if a clock upon the wall
whose gears are churned with muses’ scrawl,
we wind it up with gentle skill,
{and}[then] shine its case with cultured will;
Thanks Cathy!

We demonstrate the utmost pride,
pay umbrage to the ones who’ve lied
and tried to slow the chime of life[,] Thanks again!

It's been a pleasure to read your commentary Cathy - I'll be making a few edits now and also have an idea to change 'reviving'.

Stay tuned and cheers!
~Cleo

[JLY]

Lori,

I enjoyed this one immensely. I offer a few thoughts to use or discard, insert or excise; the choice you make is but yours to revise.

Chime of Life

From rays of dawn to blackest night
the chime of life is always bright
upon the face of charity;
it simmers like a potpourri
of potent scents: inviting those
whose wisdom laden words compose -
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

Through times of want or often need,
{through times of insight and of greed,}
[there's vestiges of insight and greed;]
through every feeling we've oft felt,
amend assumptions we've been dealt;
we sense that clang upon the heart
to beat as one and seldom part -
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

As if a clock upon the wall
whose gears are churned with muses' scrawl,
we wind it up with [dextrous] {gentle} skill
then shine its case with cultured will;
as [mesmerizing or spellbinding] {magnetizing} acts tick on
in wonderment, we're always drawn -
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

We demonstrate the utmost pride,
pay umbrage to the ones who've lied
and tried to slow the chime of life
content to cause discord and strife. (I am a bit bewildered...I would think the message would be to bring an end to lies, discord and strife)Unchanged, we stand in unity
restoring our community -
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

JLY

[Mary Boren]

Nice one, Lori. A challenge response, huh? Pretty shiny as is, but if you want to go over it once more with the buffing cloth, you might consider ...

From rays of dawn to blackest night

Blackest night strikes me as a tad overused, but it may be that I'm just thinking that because I've used it myself.

the chime of life is always bright
upon the face of charity;
it simmers like a potpourri
of potent scents: inviting those
whose wisdom laden words compose

Great lines. I'd hyphenate wisdom-laden.

Through times of want or often need,
through times of insight and of greed,
through every feeling we’ve oft felt,
amend assumptions we’ve been dealt;
we sense that clang upon the heart
to beat as one and seldom part -

These are the lines most in need of a rethink, methinks. The repetition of "through," "of," and "often" (er, the elided oft, which strikes a tinny poetICK chime for this reader) hogs lots of the iambic real estate that could be better developed. Beyond that hurdle, we're plunged headlong into a convoluted tense-shifting sentence that loses me before the senses can clang. If nothing else, at least get rid of the we've's, will you?

As if a clock upon the wall
whose gears are churned with muses’ scrawl,
we wind it up with gentle skill
then shine its case with cultured will;
as magnetizing acts tick on
in wonderment, we’re always drawn –
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

Well done. Maybe start a new sentence instead of the semicolon. I would like to see the poem close on this note. The following verse feels anticlimactic.

Hope I've offered something helpful.

Mary

[Merlin]

Hi Lori,
I'm pleased you were able to use all your "of's" in the first 2 verses, ahead of the "best before" date.

Chime of Life

rays of dawn
chime of life
face of charity
potpourri of scents
times of want
times of insight
and of greed

A very enjoyable piece and link to one of my favorites - HWL.

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Apologies to all - I'm in a whirwind at work pulling 12-14 hour days for the next week (and have been for last month), not much online time to spare.

John - I think you and Mary both raise excellent questions about that last stanza, perhaps it should just go 'poof'? I'll need to think on it when my brain isn't mush.

Mary - I'm still in the learning curve with meter but will see what I can come up with for that stanza and perhaps ditch the last one altogether.

Merlin - I nealy fell off this couch here when reading your reply - I didn't have a clue on all those 'of's', I assume you were pointing that out as a negative?

Thanks all ~ be back soon... \
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi all.

What do you think of this as an alternate opening? I tried to rid those 'ofs' but had to keep a few:

From dawn’s first rays to blackest night
the chime of life is always bright
upon the face of charity.
Its rhythms soothe harmonically
in dulcet tones; inviting those
whose wisdom-laden words compose –
Forever - together!
Together - forever!

Your thoughts are most appreciated!
~Cleo

[jgdittier]

Dear Cleo,
As to your revision, I fear the baby went with the bathwater! Your first posting isn't that bad.
My advice is don't try to please others unless you're sure you please yourself. Polonious said
"unto yourself be true" and I believe it should have been directed to poets.
My thought of "of" is that it's always a da and well ignored and not worth a second thought.
I read your posting and afterward would have been asked what word was used excessively, I'd have said "none'.
I like the first effort!!! I like the repetition it provives to reinforce the message.
I doubt there's any of Merlin's magic in picking on the "ofs"!
Cheers, ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks Ron.

I'm still mulling this one over and I'm not content with the alternate opening as of yet. I'll take your advise to heart when I sit and re-write, not sure when that will be - time is shorter than I think it is these days.

Thanks for the confidence and also for not noticing all the 'of's' at first glance, I hadn't a clue on them!

Cheers
~Cleo

[Mistral]

Oh how lovely! The metre flows smoothly and your message is gorgeous. I thoroughly enjoyed the poem.

Hugs,
M

[Judi]

Lori, I love the gentle flow of this poem and especially these lines:

From rays of dawn to blackest night
the chime of life is always bright
upon the face of charity.
It simmers like a potpourri

God Bless, Judi

[Michelle]

Hey Cleo, I remember reading this in one of the challanges. You've done a great job, both writing and revising. S3 is my favorite - it reads smooth and the metaphors mesh really well for me. In my case though, 'practiced skill' would be more apt.

I stumble a bit in S2 - the first 3 lines aren't quite in sync for me. I think, though, that you have a lot of lateral movent in them and many options at your disposal.

Your message truly inspires comaraderie. Well done!

my best,

Michelle

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello M and welcome to the party!

Thanks very much - I'm glad you stopped in and had a read, enjoying this one.

Cheers
~Cleo

Oh how lovely! The metre flows smoothly and your message is gorgeous. I thoroughly enjoyed the poem.

Hugs,
M

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Judi,

This was mused from a challenge a few weeks back here, and I tried to follow the pattern set by HWL.

I still need more work on S2 admittedly, but am pleased to hear you like the opening. I was thinking of changing L1 to:
From dawn's first rays to blackest night, but I think the meter suffers a tad here - do you agree?

Cheers
~Cleo

Lori, I love the gentle flow of this poem and especially these lines:

From rays of dawn to blackest night
the chime of life is always bright
upon the face of charity.
It simmers like a potpourri

God Bless, Judi

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Michelle,

Yeppers, this was from a flash a few rounds back. Thanks, I still realize it needs more work, especially in S2. You know, you have a point there with 'practiced skill' instead of gentle skill' and I think I may edit that part if you don't mind. Thanks for stopping by and for your commentary!

Be back soon!
~Cleo

Hey Cleo, I remember reading this in one of the challanges. You've done a great job, both writing and revising. S3 is my favorite - it reads smooth and the metaphors mesh really well for me. In my case though, 'practiced skill' would be more apt.

I stumble a bit in S2 - the first 3 lines aren't quite in sync for me. I think, though, that you have a lot of lateral movent in them and many options at your disposal.

Your message truly inspires comaraderie. Well done!

my best,

Michelle

[jgdittier]

Dear Cleo,
It seems to me that you made a perfectly propitious choice when you patterned a piece after Longfellow.
Mr. Longfellow in my opinion had a style much different from what's modern today. He focussed on his message, filling it with humanity and then he put it to words with such simplicity that he reached the reader's heart.
Recently, I commented on his "The Day Is Done". Read it and if it doesn't impact you as far above perfectly written poetry I'll be surprised. Longfellow had "heart" well above the ability to write, his ability was to imagine and to communicate despite his cadence flaws and simplistic wording. What might happen if "The Day Is Done" or "The Old Clock..." were subjected to modern C&C? Just count his "and"s and "of"s and "the"s and after they've been deleted, I wonder what we'd have. Maybe even better, but need they be better?

I must tell you that I'm a docent at a clock museum and will hope to have Longfellow's poem mounted there, hopefully yours too with your permission. Thank-you , Cleo.

Cheers, Ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Wow Ron,

You are very kind! I'll have to go back and read The Day is Done again - it's been a while. We may even head over to Wayside Inn this weekend for a picnic (but not today, it's raining). I have this cute little book called 'Tales of a Wayside Inn' I should bring with us and read some of Longfellow's tales! May spark this muse perhaps!

I've just written a revision for that second stanza - what do you think of it? I tried to keep the theme of charity and a clock.

Looking forward to your comments - hope to write a SQ or 2 this week also, if the muse obliges me.

Cheers
~Cleo