 Living Near Three Mile Island Pa.Revision 1, FV.. |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Sep 16 07, 19:59
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#1
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry  |
Revision 1...
We stood in line with the others, faces composed, trying to appear nonchalant, One by one we moved until it was our turn. "How many in your family?" "There are three." "What is your address?" they listened, then nodded their permission.. Our pills were put into an envelope marked "to be taken in the event of a nuclear attack by instruction of the governor." The last time the reactors were treacherous, we fled for our lives taking only the clothing on our backs, our homes left unprotected and barren, our hopes for the future dashed on rocks of disbelief our return home made with fear of the unknown. We live from day to day, knowing this is life in all its uncertainty, and every moment spent happily chases fear away. We decided to face this enemy when we had to and not a moment before. I look at those two towers silhouetted against my horizon realizing all things pass as God designs. -- Judith Anne Labriola Original... We stood in line with the others, faces composed, trying to appear nonchalant, One by one we moved until it was our turn. "How many in your family?" "There are three." "What is your address?" they listened and then nodded their permission.. Our pills were put into an envelope marked "to be taken in the event of a nuclear attack by instruction of the governor." The last time the reactors were treacherous, we fled for our lives taking only the clothing on our backs and enough for a few days more, our homes left unprotected and barren, our hopes for the future dashed on rocks of disbelief our return home made with trepidation, and fear of the unknown. We live from day to day, knowing that this is life in all its uncertainty, and that every moment spent happily chases fear away. We decided to face this enemy when we had to and not a moment before. I look at those two towers silhouetted against my horizon and realize that all things pass as God designs. -- Judith Anne Labriola ·······  ······· |
  
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Sep 18 07, 10:35
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Judi ~
Wow what a creative story told in poetics ... I have printed this out for now and will return soon with some comments, but for some minor mentions now, all I see that might need revision is some stronger line breaks (such as in L2, ending on trying would really benefit the strength of the meaning) and maybe a few alternative word choices.. Will be back later on, but wanted to say this is real entertainment in poetry! Hugs, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner           |
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Sep 18 07, 17:21
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#3
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Sep 18 07, 11:35 ) [snapback]102562[/snapback] Hi Judi ~ Wow what a creative story told in poetics ... I have printed this out for now and will return soon with some comments, but for some minor mentions now, all I see that might need revision is some stronger line breaks (such as in L2, ending on trying would really benefit the strength of the meaning) and maybe a few alternative word choices.. Will be back later on, but wanted to say this is real entertainment in poetry! Hugs, Liz Dear Liz, I corrected the one line break that you mentioned, and changed a few more.. this is a true story, sadly...it was one of the most frightening times in my life and the lives of my children..plus everyone else who lived in that area, and there were thousands...Harrisburg, which is the capital of Pennsylvania was like a ghost town, with policeman with rifles riding through the streets to shoot looters....it took years before everything calmed down, and we found out exactly how much damage had been done by the radiation that had escaped. Judi ······· ······· |
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Sep 20 07, 03:45
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#4
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
What a 'can't stop reading' poem. I can't think what to suggest to improve, except perhaps trim a little. Some suggestions ...
QUOTE (Judi @ Sep 17 07, 01:59 ) [snapback]102485[/snapback] We stood in line with the others, faces composed, [and] trying to appear nonchalant, One by one we moved until it was our turn. "How many in your family?" "There are three." "What is your address?" they listened ,[and] then nodded their permission.. Our pills were put into an envelope marked "to be taken in the event of a nuclear attack by instruction of the governor." (slight change in line break) The last time the reactors were treacherous, we fled for our lives taking only the clothing on our backs and enough for a few days [more], our homes left unprotected and barren, our hopes for the future dashed on rocks of disbelief our return home made with trepidation, and fear of the unknown. We live from day to day, knowing that this is life in all its uncertainty, and that every moment spent happily chases fear away. We decided to face this enemy when we had to and not a moment before. I look at those two towers silhouetted against my horizon [and] realizing [that] all things pass in God designs. -- Judith Anne Labriola A tremendous read Judi Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner   |
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Sep 20 07, 21:14
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#5
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (Eisa @ Sep 20 07, 04:45 ) [snapback]102589[/snapback] A tremendous read Judi Snow thanks so much, snow..I made all the changes you mentioned! Thanks so much for your help and comments. ((((hugs)))) Judi ······· ······· |
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Sep 21 07, 03:22
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#6
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Judi @ Sep 21 07, 03:14 ) [snapback]102606[/snapback] QUOTE (Eisa @ Sep 20 07, 04:45 ) [snapback]102589[/snapback] A tremendous read Judi Snow thanks so much, snow..I made all the changes you mentioned! Thanks so much for your help and comments. ((((hugs)))) Judi It's my pleasure Judi Hugs Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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