Overwhelmed, a response to the Tsunami Options

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Overwhelmed

A wall of water.
Implacable.
Hits.
Locomotive force
derailing life.

Seen from on high,
corpses float
in mud
like petals
in a wedding fountain.

The sea recedes
leaving survivors
swimming through
bewildered grief.

Salt water tears:
an ocean of loss.

Overwhelming.

And who will clean up?
Business, as usual …

© Toumai
December 2004

[Cleo_Serapis]

A very poignant piece Fran...

I can offer no crit - I'll defer to see what others write.....


Salt water tears:
an ocean of loss.

Overwhelming.


Very descriptive metaphors - well done!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Thanks, Cleo.

I think, like Nina, I have been trying to make sense of the horror in my own mind and perhaps writing something - however inadequate - helps that emotional process.

Fran  

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

This is a very powerful poem.  You use such wonderful metaphors.

Locomotive force
derailing life. - brilliant

My only query is the last two lines which don't seem to flow with the rest of the poem.
But I am no expert, being new to poetry writing myself.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

Thank you for your very kind words.

I think the poem is perhaps more 'complete' without the last two lines, but I couldn't resist keeping them - a reminder that someone will try to cash in despite all the suffering.

I was wondering if perhaps the cynical aside actually strengthens the main part; I'll be interested to see what you and others think of that idea.

With best wishes,
Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Fran, Hi.

Yes, a very powerful poem indeed. You employ language very effectively in many places.

Both Nina and you have now responded - quite quickly - to this disaster and neither of you have been sentimental. It is excellent to see MM postings dealing with these issues; they make us think all the more.

Thank you.

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Fran

You are right to be cynical.  There is always someone greedy and heartless enough to want to cash in on other people's  misery and pain.  

I still can't get my head round the magnitude of the disaster.  The sheer numbers of people killed is frightening and continues to rise every day.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Nina, Fran...

I'm afraid to say that, without greed, the World would not function. Communism was tried and, sadly failed. Co-operation is good but only within a structure of competition. However, if regulations and laws are effective then competition can be harnessed well. The problem in some developing areas is really corruption. As John Maynard Keynes said, the market is an excellent servant but a bad master.

The Asian countries affected thrive on competition... that will enable them to re-build once this period of co-operation is over.

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

I have no problem with competition.  In fact it is a good thing when it gives a person the incentive to strive for something better.  As you point out, one of the main problems is corruption.  Those in power get richer and richer not caring that many of their countrymen are struggling to survive.  

I hate those who exploit others for their own greed ridden desires, like the big manufacturers who have factories in third World countries where workers have no option but to work for a pittance in terrible conditions because they are so desperate for a job.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

We'd better not subvert Fran's thread for this debate, as it is going beyond the issues raised by her poem. However, if you'd care to post in the debating forum:

Click Here for MM's debating forum

and let me know, I'll be delighted to reply.

Cheers, James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

James - You are right, this debate is going off topic.  I don't think I shall venture onto the debating forum just yet.  I spend far too much time on the pc as it is.

Fran - Apologies for hijacking your thread.  I bet you never thought that the last two lines in your poem would trigger a debate.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina, James,

I certainly intended those lines to make the reader think - so an internal debate, at the least.
Thanks.

Fran

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Fran

My one comment is that you haven't adequately expressed the magnitude of the tsunami. It was more than a wall of water. In some places it drove two or more kilometres inland and then rushed out again leaving whole areas under flood. It did this up to six times. So, while 'locomotive' is a fitting word in evoking the sound and force of a wall of water or a tornado, it doesn't really do justice to the tsunami.

Perry (being picky again)

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Perry, please do practice picking poetic problems on my poems!  :)  

I see what you mean. 'Implacable' is a bit limp, but I'm not sure what I can add to build that magnitude.

I will think on it, and if anyone has suggestions I'd be glad to hear.

Thanks,

Fran

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Fran

I think it's partly a matter of scale. For example a wall is usually perceived as being only so high, whereas a hill and a mountain are much larger. So a wall of water doesn't have the required magnitude.

It's also a matter of power - its extent and ferocity. I think you can achieve that by comparison, both during and after the onslaught. For example, images of Dresden, Hiroshima.

Perry

[Guest_Jox_*]

Steggy suggests:

Titanic; enormous; mammoth; vast; gargantuan; monstrous; elephantine; immense; cyclonic; huge; colossal; astronomic; tremendous; massive; stupendous; monumental; towering; behemothic; herculean.

James suggests:

Titanic
Water-Wall:

Merciless
Locomotive force
derailing life.

Just an idea. Maybe I wouldn't change it at all?

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Thank you very much, Perry and James for these considerations. I think it will be a simple word, so probably 'immense' if anything....

Indeed, thank you both very much.  
Fran

[Aphrodite]

Hello Fran~

Such a heartfelt and poignant account of the horrific tragedy!

Your thoughtful words and reflective expression say it all!

So sad, but said so well!

Blessings~
Lindi

[Siren]

Fran,

you have depicted a horrific event with such class and vividness.

I am impressed with it.

Good read
Dani

[Aggiel]

Hi Fran,

Seen from on high,
corpses float
in mud
like petals
in a wedding fountain.

The sea recedes
leaving survivors
swimming through
bewildered grief.

I can see the picture again. It's terrible to behold.

Thanks for sharing  :smart:


Best

Aggiel