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The Heart Of War ~ Terza Rima, July Pandora Challenge |
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jul 24 06, 09:29
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This is a Pandora Challenge. I'm not dead-set on sticking with the phrases so pick it apart if you will ! lol The Heart Of War A shroud of darkness drapes the gloom of dreams; high tide is barely seen to kiss ashore despite huge waves that beat a violent theme when shouting by the shore forevermore. Unto the night is bled such screams of fear that e'en the stoutest men will soon abhor the charioteers who charge the sands with spears. Their whirling laughter twisting tight the mind, attacking home and hearth and all held dear. If only fate would treat them so in kind; My love, my love ... Oh, why leave me behind?Cathy Bollhoefer copyright July 2006 I should have added that this is in response to "Hear An Army Charging Upon The Land" by James Joyce. Located here: http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=8231Phrases used: the gloom of dreams shouting by the shore unto the night the charioteers their whirling laughter
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Jul 24 06, 12:28
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,664
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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I'm not sure that I can yet completely envision the image that you're painting quite yet ( particularly its connection with 'My love' ? ), Cat, but I'll merely comment on a couple of grammatical matters as the piece stands: QUOTE(Cathy @ Jul 24 06, 10:29 ) [snapback]79418[/snapback] The Heart Of War
A shroud of darkness drapes the gloom of dreams; high tide is barely seen to kiss ashore despite huge waves that beat a violent theme
when shouting by the shore forevermore. [ Who or what is shouting? What is the antecedent? Perhaps in the preceding stanza, you could rid the passive voice and give this an antecedent, placing yourself in the poem something like this:
I barely see the neap to kiss ashore ... should I stand barefoot, shouting evermore. ? ]
Unto Into the night is are bled such screams of fear that e'en the stoutest men will soon abhor
the charioteers who charge the sands with spears[,] (.) their whirling laughter twisting tight the mind, attacking home and hearth and all held dear.
If only fate would treat them so in kind; [ not sure of the meaning of 'so in kind' ? ] My love, my love ... Oh, why leave me behind? Excellent inclusion of the selected phrases, Cat! And it's nice to see a well-constructed terza rima. They're a rare commodity! deLightingly, Daniel
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jul 24 06, 13:15
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QUOTE(ArtesiaMeeks @ Jul 24 06, 15:16 ) [snapback]79422[/snapback] Hi Cathy,
I really hate to tear-down people's writings.....I am not very good at it. But I was told long ago.....that using the words THAT and SO, add nothing to the picture of a poem. I know ... 'filler words'! lol You have used your phrases well.......I think it is a real nice write. You can ignore my remarks, your poem stands alone as is. AG As I said, I'm not determined to stick with the phrases so all suggestions are welcome. Thank you! *smiles*
The Heart Of War
A shroud of darkness drapes the gloom of dreams;--(in glooms of dreams,) I'm not sure that 'glooms' would work here. I don't see the gloom as plural like the dreams. I will think on this one. Thanks! high tide is barely seen to kiss ashore despite huge waves that beat a violent theme--(which beats in violent themes) I like this suggestion ... Thanks again! lol
when shouting by the shore forevermore.---I really like this line. Thank you! Unto the night is bled such screams of fear that e'en the stoutest men will soon abhor---(and e'en) I'm not sure 'and' would work. It's kinda like 'that' and 'so' ... maybe I can think of something altogether different to fit this.
the charioteers who charge the sands with spears. Their whirling laughter twisting tight the mind, attacking home and hearth and all held dear.
If only fate would treat them so in kind; My love, my love ... Oh, why leave me behind?
Thanks for your time AM and I appreciate your input. It will help when I get ready to revise. Cathy
Cathy Bollhoefer copyright July 2006
Phrases used: the gloom of dreams shouting by the shore unto the night the charioteers
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jul 24 06, 13:21
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QUOTE(JustDaniel @ Jul 24 06, 17:28 ) [snapback]79431[/snapback] I'm not sure that I can yet completely envision the image that you're painting quite yet ( particularly its connection with 'My love' ? ), Cat, but I'll merely comment on a couple of grammatical matters as the piece stands: Maybe this will help. My poem is in response to "Hear An Army Charging Upon the Land" by James Joyce. It can be found here: http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=8231QUOTE(Cathy @ Jul 24 06, 10:29 ) [snapback]79418[/snapback] The Heart Of War
A shroud of darkness drapes the gloom of dreams; high tide is barely seen to kiss ashore despite huge waves that beat a violent theme
when shouting by the shore forevermore. [ Who or what is shouting? What is the antecedent? Perhaps in the preceding stanza, you could rid the passive voice and give this an antecedent, placing yourself in the poem something like this:
I barely see the neap to kiss ashore ... should I stand barefoot, shouting evermore. ? ]
I like that! And the ideas begin to flow! lol Thanks!
Unto Into the night is are bled such screams of fear that e'en the stoutest men will soon abhor I can change that too...
the charioteers who charge the sands with spears[,] (.) their whirling laughter twisting tight the mind, attacking home and hearth and all held dear. That's the way I had it originally. Must rethink that move! lol
If only fate would treat them so in kind; [ not sure of the meaning of 'so in kind' ? ] My love, my love ... Oh, why leave me behind? Excellent inclusion of the selected phrases, Cat! And it's nice to see a well-constructed terza rima. They're a rare commodity! deLightingly, Daniel Thanks Daniel! Extremely difficult to write, especially when you try to fit phrases into iambic meter that just refuse to fit! lol
Thanks for sharing de Light! Cathy (Sorry, couldn't resist!)
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Jul 25 06, 09:23
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hi Cathy, You did well with meeting the params of the Terza Rima, which like Daniel Mentions, is rare and such a beautiful Form of poetry. You also met the requirements of the Challenge quite well. I agree with Daniels suggestions to polish off L2, even if you find another way, it seems a little confusing as it stands. . If you don't mind I have printed this out and will return with a more detailed commentary. I just couldn't read and not comment on how well and how enjoyable the poem reads to me. Hugs Liz QUOTE The Heart Of War
A shroud of darkness drapes the gloom of dreams; high tide is barely seen to kiss ashore despite huge waves that beat a violent theme
when shouting by the shore forevermore. Unto the night is bled such screams of fear that e'en the stoutest men will soon abhor
the charioteers who charge the sands with spears. Their whirling laughter twisting tight the mind, attacking home and hearth and all held dear.
If only fate would treat them so in kind; My love, my love ... Oh, why leave me behind?
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jul 25 06, 11:24
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Hi Liz, QUOTE Hi Cathy, You did well with meeting the params of the Terza Rima, which like Daniel Mentions, is rare and such a beautiful Form of poetry. You also met the requirements of the Challenge quite well. Thank you! QUOTE I agree with Daniels suggestions to polish off L2, even if you find another way, it seems a little confusing as it stands. . I haven't had much of a chance to take a close look at this but I do like Daniel's suggestion. QUOTE If you don't mind I have printed this out and will return with a more detailed commentary.
I just couldn't read and not comment on how well and how enjoyable the poem reads to me. Of course I don't mind! lol And thanks for letting me know you'd been here. I look forward to your thoughts when you get the time. Busy, busy, busy! Cathy
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Jul 25 06, 12:25
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,664
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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I'm always glad to offer something that 'gets the juices flowing' in a different direction. Of course I never expect a person to adopt my exact 'suggestion' -- though whatever I may offer always becomes the property of the person for whom it is offered. We're just here to spur each other on... so I want to thank you for getting me back into the challenge frame of mind yesterday! deLighting in the process, Daniel
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jul 25 06, 18:00
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I'm glad to see you getting involved in the challenges Daniel! I need to do a few more of them myself! *smiles*
Cathy
P.S. Your suggestions have never failed to get my creative juices flowing! lol
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