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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Jun 18 13, 07:24
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#1
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 Nomad  Posts: 25 Joined: 9-May 09 Member No.: 793 Real Name: Jeanne Fiedler Writer of: Poetry Referred By:web  |
Marigolds and daisies
in my garden lean kindly towards the golden sun, the light intensely reflects off my skin leaving it slightly tan - images of blue ocean water start to drift and float through my mind. I close my eyes and envision wandering aimlessly on my back on top of the water moving low tide serenely up and down, such peace... The trails are a brilliant jade glowing a rush of clear air revives the trees - blowing - the meadow lights up and an aura of light appears to open the way for all animals to graze in delicate, mysteries of life and calm. |
  
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Jun 19 13, 00:56
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,877 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Jeanne! This is a delicate, lovely poem. Such fresh imagery. I would only fix some punctuation and change one or two words to plural or singular, for syntax reasons. You haven't put any ***, so I don't dare express my nits unless you say so! Tx for sharing!  Syl*** ·······  ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner              |
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Jun 19 13, 05:57
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#3
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 Egyptian Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry |
Beautiful poem. I second Sylvia.
Sergio ······· ······· |
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Jul 3 13, 05:47
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#4
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Egyptian Posts: 399 Joined: 11-April 13 From: Australia - The great Southern Land Member No.: 5,178 Real Name: Maureen Clifford Writer of: Poetry Referred By:arnfinn |
This has such a relaxed feel to it I think it is lovely The only thing that jarred a little with me was the word wandering in this line
QUOTE wandering aimlessly on my back I associate wandering with walking and wonder if drifting or floating might not perhaps be a better choice as you are talking about floating in water. A little more punctuation is required IMO but regardless of these nit picks it is a lovely poem Cheers Maureen ······· ······· |
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Jul 13 13, 06:46
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#5
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 Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Jeanne
This is beautiful and leaves the reader with a feeling of peace. I really enjoyed it. As you haven't asked for critique I will only agree with the others about punctuation. Snow  ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner    |
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Jul 19 13, 18:23
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#6
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,877 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi again, Jeanne!  It would be wonderful to receive some comments from you on other members' poems. We all learn from each other. You're great on imagery and delicate wording, I'm sure we can learn from you.  Cheers,  Syl*** PS: I agree with Snow's and Maureen's suggestions. Never mind if your poems are already published, one can have several versions and send them off to various websites. Just saying. Bye!
······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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