Perspectives, Putting things into perspective. Options

[wordsart]

Perspectives

The sun sinks
on another Friday afternoon.
I walk towards home,
passing the charity shop coffee house
where through curved glass
I see today's recycled people
sit and chat about their yesterdays,
knowing their tomorrows hold so little.
I climb the hill towards the sea.
A February blackbird trills
reminding me

I have seen no thrushes
from the North this winter.
Behind the funeral director's
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path.
The sky is blue for ever
over a quiet sea
And I am just another dot
diminishing
well before
infinity.

© Jenni Meredith Feb 4th. 2007

[Guest_Rayn_*]

You did a nice job establishing mood here; it's very melancholy. I like the quiet way you establish a theme of diminishment and ending. It's a little bleak for me, but I think its well written. The only editorial change I suggest is changing that first comma to period.

"The sun sinks
on another Friday afternoon.
I walk..."

[wordsart]

You did a nice job establishing mood here; it's very melancholy. I like the quiet way you establish a theme of diminishment and ending. It's a little bleak for me, but I think its well written. The only editorial change I suggest is changing that first comma to period.

"The sun sinks
on another Friday afternoon.
I walk..."

Thanks Ryan

I have revised that to a full stop / period

Thanks for your comments too. Sorry you find it a bit bleak. I hoped it was more contemplative than bleak, but I suppose it is all about the state of the world and our allotted time here. And I do feel pretty pessimistic when I contemplate the state of the world.

Thanks for reviewing

Jenni

[Eisa]

Hi Jenni

I really like the message here!

Perspectives

The sun sinks
on another Friday afternoon.
I walk [towards] homeward,
passing the charity shop coffee house
where through curved glass
I see today's recycled people
sit [and] chatting about their yesterdays,
knowing their tomorrows hold so little.
I climb the hill towards the sea.
A February blackbird trills
reminding me

There is a lot to like in this stanza. I like the term recycled people and the comparing of yetserday and tomorrow. The ending of the stanza has a refreshing turn to nature until I read the 2nd stanza.

I have seen no
thrushes from the North this winter.
Behind the funeral director's
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path.
The sky is blue for ever
over a quiet sea
And I am just another dot
diminishing well before
infinity.

In this last satnza I'll suggest a change in line breaks.

I have seen no thrushes
from the North this winter.
Behind the funeral director's
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path.
The sky is blue for ever
over a quiet sea,
and I am just another dot
diminishing
well before infinity.

A chilling message which is very thought-provoking.

Remember these are just suggestions to use as you wish.

Snow

[wordsart]

Thanks for yoru suggestiosn snow.
I think you are right about diminishing. It needs it s own line to prevent rushing the syllables.

Think I will keep infinity on its own line too.

Will mull your other suggestions and juggle the lien breaks at the end.


Thanks




Jenni

[azurepoetry]

Hello wordsart,

A pleasure to read you. i've read another poem of yours and i must say i appreciate the style and thoughts offered within these offerings. i like the N's (narrator's) comments/descriptions regarding the birds, the funeral director's (we call them hearses in the US) ambulance and the feeling from the coffee shop.
For me, i have mixed feelings regarding the stanza construction and i am confused about what "recycled people" mean. Rayn mentioned this felt bleak; i would say it flirts with forlorness.

The reason's being that you've placed the poem in February (winter is traditionally a bleak setting for literature...of course), recycled people who know they have little to no tomorrow, a great moment with a hearse bumping the N off her path (i like that subtle allusion a lot by the way) and the conclusion that offers a diminshing of the dot=self. So, yeah, either a forlorn poem or a poem from a zen-buddhist that got a semi-satori on the way home (that's where i get many of mine).

See below for my syntax suggestions. Let me preface this by saying that i think the idea of only two stanzas doesn't do your subject matter any justice. i think by breaking out the stanzas with regards to the place-settings/moments into their own stanzas, the poem will get a sparser sense of placement, illuminating the moments and giving space also lends to time passage of the N as she negotiates her way home, up the hill.
i realise some of these may mirror Snow's reply...please forgive the redundancy.

Another Friday afternoon, ---see below for my thought on the first line...
I walk towards home; ---i think your style seems to lean toward minimalism and there is certainly a place for the style in a piece like this, but i still want the stop that comes from the semi-colon; the semi-colon still links the longer pause to the lower case continuation of "passing" that i have started on the next stanza.

passing the charity shop coffee house
through curved glass,
I see today's recycled people
collecting, chatting about their yesterdays,
knowing their tomorrows hold so little. ---i enjoy snows removal of "and" i add collecting to develop the idea of recycled and give that part a sense of moment with the -ing's that mirror the actual sense of activity by the people. Just a personal taste.

I climb the hill towards the sea.

A February blackbird trills
reminding me
I have seen no thrushes
from the North this winter.

Behind the funeral director's
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path. ---did i mention i love this part...yup, nice allusion.

Even as the sun sinks, ---i dropped the opening sun line here. Instead of a nigh-prosaic place setting, i added it here to strengthen the metaphorical contrast from the colours we expect of the setting sun and what the sea beyond death looks like.
the sky is blue for ever,
over a quiet sea

And I am just another dot
diminishing
well before
infinity. ---i, personally, don't like the abstract ending. That lends itself to be too telling. i think if you keep the metaphor extended to the end, the reader should be able to get your point. Trust them, they're smart...esp. the folks around here. i wrote a piece recently that had a couple of lines using art terminology to discuss the effect your concluding stanza offers. Allow me an illustration to help:

And I am just another point
vanishing
well before
the horizon line.

Okay, so i've raked this over the coals enough. i hope i was clear enough in my thoughts. Remember: these are just my thoughts and nothing more. i get a sense of sparseness in some of your layout and word choice that i have contradicted and you may not dig my ideas....that's absolutely fine with me. i am a very opinionated critter who does not want to "rewrite" another's work, just offer help through my own headspace. Good luck with this fine piece and i will try and keep on eye on its development.

Cheers!
~tim/azurepoetry

[wordsart]

Hi Tim

Thank you for your offerings on this one.

I value your input. I am so pleased you picked up on the allusions etc.

Actually we call them hearses too. But they take the bodies away. Perhaps ambulances bring the bodies to the funeral director's? It was an ambulance marked private and seemed so symbolic I had to make the poem.

I do like your description 'flirts with folorness' I think you might have visited this town. That is spot on! I actually like 'moody atmospheric' but am not so fond of 'bleak'. So I am pleased I am getting the atmosphere and the minimalism and allusions across.

I think in an early draft I had gathering for the people in the cafe. I edited as it was a ll a bit busy at that stage. But I like the idea of collecting. Usually I like the present participles as a sort of continuing present...Very much a haiku , zen tense. But I am not sure here that they work unless I rework it a lot. The rhythm of 'sit and chat' for me is better than 'sit chatting' or 'collecting chatting'.

I need to think more about this so I can try to work collecting in there without upsetting the rhythm I want to hear.

You are right about the spacing of the lines too. I did start out with it in couplets or triolets. But I went through some process counting stresses , i think, and ended up with a shape I was not altogether happy with. It was two verses of even stress patterns. But it didn't look the way it sounded in my head. So that's a lesson for future. I did know that I needed it to look barer, I just didn't follow my instincts!

I am certainly going to fiddle with that layout much more.

Your two comments on the beginning and the end I need time to think about.

I am not sure about 'even as the sun sinks'. It sounds a bit 'poetic' to me. Not what I would write. But without 'even;' it makes little sense to add the sun sinking in before a statement about the sky being blue for ever. I need to think more about this and about the position at the top being nigh prosaic?

At the top it worked for me as it is not just Friday; end of the week, but sunset on Friday; end of the last day of the working week.


And you also don't like the abstract end. Again I am unsure about the suggestion. 'Horizon' to me does not say the same as 'infinity'. It is a geographic / space word whereas infinity is temporal as well. (to me). I was thinking of vanishing lines, perspective, infinity in the artistic sense etc. You do get that perspective by the sea. I will play about with the end an beginning and see if I come up with anything.

Thanks for your supportive comments and your careful analysis too.

I will post a revision some time soon. But don't expect it quite yet!!

Jenni

[azurepoetry]

Fair enough Jenni, glad to be of service. :)

~tim/azurepoetry

[AMETHYST]

Hi Jenni,

I haven't had time to read the other responses yet! Trying to get in some critiques before my alone time at home is gone! :) The title to this was interesting, a good pull in for a reader speculating on its contents- I found the poem a collage of 'life's happenings' from the point of view of a depressed or meloncholic narrator. I have a Sonnet, simular to the intent I pickup here - and that is what came to mind. The spirit of a wounded, saddened person, watching others' and the emptiness within seems to make everything, especially the narrator feel of no importance in the grand scheme of things- so trivial in the whole of the worlds existence. The ending also, enhanced that sense for me, as if, 'infinity' is to represent all that was, is and will continue to be and we (the narrator and the people she/he notices) are just vague and fading entities. I think it is a strong point to the poem, it alludes to many multi-layed metaphors, and what I liked about the freshness of the walk and the scenes she/he makes notice of are everyday things that we 'DON'T" notice at all, because they are too mundane, too average and like the narrator, are vanishing dots fading into infinity. :) Regarind format, I think you might play around with the stanza's a bit, trying a thinner stanza (less lines or less words) or tighter stanzas. Below I will give some examples and please use what helps you and discard or ignore what doesn't.

Anyway, that was a quick interpretation of the poems intent. Below I've left some in stanza thoughts, if I've repeated another's thoughts please forgive me, time constrants sometimes makes me choose, between reading or criitquing (this is critique time) LOL

Best Wishes, Liz

Perspectives

The sun sinks
on another Friday afternoon.
I walk towards home,
passing the charity shop coffee house
where through curved glass

A good scene to open with, as the narrator seems to be lost in inner thought, high-lighted by the end of day. In L1, the words 'sinks' feels rough to my ear. In L4, is charity shop coffee house' the name of the coffee place the narrator is passing? If so, perhaps capitalizing Charity Shop coffee house might give more personalization to the image. Some alternative reshaping of the beginning might be:

I walk home,
as the sun descends
leaving another Friday afternoon
behind me.

(This allows the reader to get the feel of separation the narrator gets with the use of 'another' while sets the simultaneous image of 'sun set/the narrator going home' ) The word afternoon, or even ...

I walk home,
as the sun descends,
sinking another Friday afternoon
behind me.

I would suggest stanza break here and begin the next stanza with the first scene of the narrators inner thoughts... I would also suggest a comma after 'where' in the final line...

Passing the charity shop
coffee house, where, through curved glass


I see today's recycled people
sit and chat about their yesterdays,
knowing their tomorrows hold so little.
I climb the hill towards the sea.
A February blackbird trills
reminding me

Here, in L1, I would suggest omitting 'I see' allowing the line to begin - 'today's recycled people ' (A very interesting and fresh way of saying used up, over worked and worn out people) In L3, I felt '...hold so little' could be stronger- as well as, do they "know' that their tomorrows will hold so little, or might another word be better suited, perhaps because 'holds so little' is the [perception] of the narrator, maybe, this is where "I see' might make the difference ... at L4, again I would suggest a stanza break. Here is an example:

today's recycled people
sit, chatting about their yesterdays,
though I know their tomorrows hold so little (I will return with more thoughts on this)

The next part it's own stanza... Perhaps...

I climb, an inclined hill
toward the seas. A February
blackbird trills, reminding me -

The suggestion for 'inclined' is to link back to the descending sun and describe the hill omitting another 'the' -


I have seen no thrushes
from the North this winter.

Love this image/line ... Perhaps leaving it on its own or connecting it with the last stanza.

Behind the funeral director's
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path.

Perhaps beginning this stanza with "A private ambulance, line. Example.



(we call it funeral home, because the director is the person who runs it... to my ear it sounds like the man is standing outside and the ambulance is parked behind him.)

A private ambulance,
parked behind the funeral home,
too long for the allotted space,
redirects me from my path.


The sky is blue for ever
over a quiet sea
And I am just another dot
diminishing
well before
infinity.


In L3, perhaps 'while I am ... ' Some alternatives for the last couple of lines, as it stands now, it seems weak to my ear and doesn't make a full impact on the reader. Sort of lacking in closure, although I get your intention and think that if you play around with this the true PUNCH for the ending will reveal itself.

The sky is blue forever
over a quiet sea-while I
am just another diminishing dot
faded well before infinity.

This isn't a great suggestion, more like a bouncing board for your ideas...

Well Hope something I've left helps and I will keep my eye on this as it grows!

Best Wishes, Liz

[wordsart]

Hi Jenni,

I haven't had time to read the other responses yet! Trying to get in some critiques before my alone time at home is gone! :) The title to this was interesting, a good pull in for a reader speculating on its contents- I found the poem a collage of 'life's happenings' from the point of view of a depressed or meloncholic narrator. I have a Sonnet, simular to the intent I pickup here - and that is what came to mind. The spirit of a wounded, saddened person, watching others' and the emptiness within seems to make everything, especially the narrator feel of no importance in the grand scheme of things- so trivial in the whole of the worlds existence. The ending also, enhanced that sense for me, as if, 'infinity' is to represent all that was, is and will continue to be and we (the narrator and the people she/he notices) are just vague and fading entities. I think it is a strong point to the poem, it alludes to many multi-layed metaphors, and what I liked about the freshness of the walk and the scenes she/he makes notice of are everyday things that we 'DON'T" notice at all, because they are too mundane, too average and like the narrator, are vanishing dots fading into infinity. :) Regarind format, I think you might play around with the stanza's a bit, trying a thinner stanza (less lines or less words) or tighter stanzas. Below I will give some examples and please use what helps you and discard or ignore what doesn't.

Anyway, that was a quick interpretation of the poems intent. Below I've left some in stanza thoughts, if I've repeated another's thoughts please forgive me, time constrants sometimes makes me choose, between reading or criitquing (this is critique time) LOL

Best Wishes, Liz

Perspectives

The sun sinks
on another Friday afternoon.
I walk towards home,
passing the charity shop coffee house
where through curved glass

A good scene to open with, as the narrator seems to be lost in inner thought, high-lighted by the end of day. In L1, the words 'sinks' feels rough to my ear. In L4, is charity shop coffee house' the name of the coffee place the narrator is passing? If so, perhaps capitalizing Charity Shop coffee house might give more personalization to the image. Some alternative reshaping of the beginning might be:

I walk home,
as the sun descends
leaving another Friday afternoon
behind me.

(This allows the reader to get the feel of separation the narrator gets with the use of 'another' while sets the simultaneous image of 'sun set/the narrator going home' ) The word afternoon, or even ...

I walk home,
as the sun descends,
sinking another Friday afternoon
behind me.

I would suggest stanza break here and begin the next stanza with the first scene of the narrators inner thoughts... I would also suggest a comma after 'where' in the final line...

Passing the charity shop
coffee house, where, through curved glass


I see today's recycled people
sit and chat about their yesterdays,
knowing their tomorrows hold so little.
I climb the hill towards the sea.
A February blackbird trills
reminding me

Here, in L1, I would suggest omitting 'I see' allowing the line to begin - 'today's recycled people ' (A very interesting and fresh way of saying used up, over worked and worn out people) In L3, I felt '...hold so little' could be stronger- as well as, do they "know' that their tomorrows will hold so little, or might another word be better suited, perhaps because 'holds so little' is the [perception] of the narrator, maybe, this is where "I see' might make the difference ... at L4, again I would suggest a stanza break. Here is an example:

today's recycled people
sit, chatting about their yesterdays,
though I know their tomorrows hold so little (I will return with more thoughts on this)

The next part it's own stanza... Perhaps...

I climb, an inclined hill
toward the seas. A February
blackbird trills, reminding me -

The suggestion for 'inclined' is to link back to the descending sun and describe the hill omitting another 'the' -


I have seen no thrushes
from the North this winter.

Love this image/line ... Perhaps leaving it on its own or connecting it with the last stanza.

Behind the funeral director's
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path.

Perhaps beginning this stanza with "A private ambulance, line. Example.



(we call it funeral home, because the director is the person who runs it... to my ear it sounds like the man is standing outside and the ambulance is parked behind him.)

A private ambulance,
parked behind the funeral home,
too long for the allotted space,
redirects me from my path.


The sky is blue for ever
over a quiet sea
And I am just another dot
diminishing
well before
infinity.


In L3, perhaps 'while I am ... ' Some alternatives for the last couple of lines, as it stands now, it seems weak to my ear and doesn't make a full impact on the reader. Sort of lacking in closure, although I get your intention and think that if you play around with this the true PUNCH for the ending will reveal itself.

The sky is blue forever
over a quiet sea-while I
am just another diminishing dot
faded well before infinity.

This isn't a great suggestion, more like a bouncing board for your ideas...

Well Hope something I've left helps and I will keep my eye on this as it grows!

Best Wishes, Liz

Hi Liz

Thanks for your time with this one.

Some of your suggestions I can see will work, particularly while, in the final phrases to replace and.

Funeral home though is not a phrase I have ever heard before. (I saw the American way of Death to o )

I would feel uncomfortable using words that are not in my vernacular.

We do say 'funeral parlour' here so might look at that, thought I prefer the rhythm of 'directors'. And the most common term here in UK is funeral directors' . The apostrophe tells that it is a shop and not a person. It's a shame. But some things just don't cross the pond, do they.

Regards layout I am playing with making it couplets, which was my original intention. I think it will work better like that.

And I will take a look at the opening and closing.

But have not had any ideas so far that alter it too much.

I am also undecided about posting this one in the public forum, since my discovery about that meaning it would be deemed to have been published. So I am not sure I want to post a revision publicly just yet.

Thanks for your time and suggestions anyway.





Jenni

[AMETHYST]

Hello Jenni,

I only have a few seconds for a quick response, as I am out of the door on my way home from work. yes, we also call them Funeral parlours... and that was a typo on my part, I meant 'Funeral director's - but here in the states, we either say the funeral director called from the funeral parlor (or home) ... Please use what is approapriate for your part of the world and your poem.

As for posting the polished work, whatever you choose. Whatever I left might help and I hope you can make use of something.

Best Regards, Liz ...

To each their own, however, posting a revised draft doesn't make it published-I've inquired to many Editors of possible places of submission and all so far have answered the same. An online workshop for critique purpose, they do not consider published, however that doesn't mean that some might.

Anyway good luck either way.

[Eisa]

posting a revised draft doesn't make it published-I've inquired to many Editors of possible places of submission and all so far have answered the same. An online workshop for critique purpose, they do not consider published, however that doesn't mean that some might.

I have never thought of my final revision as being published on any poetry site. To me it is just the result of my work after digesting critiques that people have given.
People who have critiqued a poem do like to come back to see if the poet has had some inspiration from any suggestions and what direction they have taken the revision.
To me it is important to post my final revision as it is an accumulation of suggestions and my own thoughts, but has not actually been critiqued until posted again. It's surprising how many times a finished poem is posted, then someone who hasn't commented before turns up, and offers a completely different viewpoint.
Also, if you are unwilling to post a final revision, then you will not have work nominated for the monthly IBPC, but perhaps you wouldn't want that anyway.

Remember my poem 'Sing to Me'? If I hadn't posted my final version here, you would never have seen it to offer some very indepth thoughts which made me rethink and write another 'final version'. I always feel that a final revision might be changed at some point in the future, when I have some fresh thoughts.

This is just my opinion.

Personally, I really like this poem and would love to see if changes made have perfected it.

Snow

[wordsart]

Hello Jenni,

I only have a few seconds for a quick response, as I am out of the door on my way home from work. yes, we also call them Funeral parlours... and that was a typo on my part, I meant 'Funeral director's - but here in the states, we either say the funeral director called from the funeral parlor (or home) ... Please use what is approapriate for your part of the world and your poem.

As for posting the polished work, whatever you choose. Whatever I left might help and I hope you can make use of something.

Best Regards, Liz ...

To each their own, however, posting a revised draft doesn't make it published-I've inquired to many Editors of possible places of submission and all so far have answered the same. An online workshop for critique purpose, they do not consider published, however that doesn't mean that some might.

Anyway good luck either way.

Hi Liz

I am encouraged by that news as i had seen some editors requiring only not previously published work and then found the google bots picking up anything in the fora here (if you know what to type into the search of course) and began to worry.

Also had a strange few days as I found a writer calling himself Len Bourret has been advertising a link to one of my Flash animated poems as his own work in several websites.

Takes all sorts, but I can't imagine what sense of self worth people like that have.
Anyway it looks as if I must take my poems from my own website and rename the file then re-upload just to get this person off my back. He didn't even apologise when contacted. just write some blither about being disabled!:Oo:

I am feeling insecure now about the web in general, but I know that's a bit daft.
This maybe off topic. But I wanted to make that information public as I am feeling pretty annoyed at Mr. LB

re the funeral parlour.. I could use that, but can't see myself saying' funeral home' as it is not in use here (yet) I think I will capitalise Funeral Director, though and to me that makes it clearer that it is a shop.

Thank you for all the other suggestions I have been working on the poem,

Best Wishes

Jenni

[AMETHYST]

Hi Jenni,

Oh my goodness, so it is understandable that you've gotten some fears and hesitation on posting on the internet. However, whether you're posting here, or posting at any other site, if someone (usually someone who is immature and extremely lacking in talents of their own and lacking in the severity of plagerism and the consequences) they will find a poem and take it on as their own. I've heard a few various people mentioning seeing some of my work out there under anothers name. However, I have all my proof of what is mine.

Most of my recent poetry has been written directly onto the internet, when I finish, I copy/paste and create a file on my private computer-and I just learned about the mailing it to yourself, I might start doing that, but I have it on discs, I keep all the various drafts and states of revision and can defend my poetry at any given point. Perhaps not my older, older stuff but I don't put much of that out there for public view ( LOL that needs work!) ...

Anyway, if you know where that person is posting, you might want to contact the admin of those sites to adv he is plagerising your work and or move the thread where the original link is sent to so when whoever clicks on the link, they will get an error page.

As for the poem, I think that works perfectly. I understand about funeral home, I too, wouldn't say that as naturally as I would say, Funeral parlour- but I think capping Funeral Director does work well. I will be back later tonight or in the AM to check on any further revisions.

Thanks and glad the postings helped, by the way-have you checked your Private Messages, you have 1 from Lori ... too ...

Best Wishes, Liz

Hello Jenni,

I only have a few seconds for a quick response, as I am out of the door on my way home from work. yes, we also call them Funeral parlours... and that was a typo on my part, I meant 'Funeral director's - but here in the states, we either say the funeral director called from the funeral parlor (or home) ... Please use what is approapriate for your part of the world and your poem.

As for posting the polished work, whatever you choose. Whatever I left might help and I hope you can make use of something.

Best Regards, Liz ...

To each their own, however, posting a revised draft doesn't make it published-I've inquired to many Editors of possible places of submission and all so far have answered the same. An online workshop for critique purpose, they do not consider published, however that doesn't mean that some might.

Anyway good luck either way.

Hi Liz

I am encouraged by that news as i had seen some editors requiring only not previously published work and then found the google bots picking up anything in the fora here (if you know what to type into the search of course) and began to worry.

Also had a strange few days as I found a writer calling himself Len Bourret has been advertising a link to one of my Flash animated poems as his own work in several websites.

Takes all sorts, but I can't imagine what sense of self worth people like that have.
Anyway it looks as if I must take my poems from my own website and rename the file then re-upload just to get this person off my back. He didn't even apologise when contacted. just write some blither about being disabled!

I am feeling insecure now about the web in general, but I know that's a bit daft.
This maybe off topic. But I wanted to make that information public as I am feeling pretty annoyed at Mr. LB

re the funeral parlour.. I could use that, but can't see myself saying' funeral home' as it is not in use here (yet) I think I will capitalise Funeral Director, though and to me that makes it clearer that it is a shop.

Thank you for all the other suggestions I have been working on the poem,

Best Wishes

Jenni

[Eisa]

Also had a strange few days as I found a writer calling himself Len Bourret has been advertising a link to one of my Flash animated poems as his own work in several websites.

Jenni that's awful! -- I feel you must notify the administrator of the site concerned as he/she will probably want to know what going on and take this very seriously.

Snow

[wordsart]

Also had a strange few days as I found a writer calling himself Len Bourret has been advertising a link to one of my Flash animated poems as his own work in several websites.

Jenni that's awful! -- I feel you must notify the administrator of the site concerned as he/she will probably want to know what going on and take this very seriously.

Snow

Hi Snow

I did not know until I emailed the man that it was deliberate. I thought the site (a wiki site) might have been hacked.

But it was deliberate and when I found out for sure I emailed other mags he has written for to warn the editors. Two responded so I need to mail them back.

Some sad people about aren't there?

It is all time consuming. The guy says he teaches anger management. Perhaps this is how he hooks in new clients?LOL


Anyway to more positive vibes... Must keep writing.



Jenni

[Cyn]

Hi Jenni
I like a lot about this piece. The mood is successfully accomplished. I do think it can be trimmed a bit though and here are my suggestions

Perspectives

The sun sinks <---this does help set the mood but it almost borders on cliche (at least maybe too much for an opening line)
on another Friday afternoon.
I walk towards home,
passing the charity shop coffee house
where through curved glass
I see today's recycled people <----I think I know what you are after with recycled here, but it feels a bit like you may be preaching to us when I think what you mean is that the people in this place are ever changing
sit and chat about their yesterdays,
knowing their tomorrows hold so little. <----I might drop this line and let the reader come to their own conclusion about the peoples' tomorrrows, since really how can the N know that THEY know they have so little to look forward to
I climb the hill towards the sea.<--- I like the repeating of going towards something - home, the sea
A February blackbird trills
reminding me

I have seen no thrushes <--- I love the pensiveness of this - and I love birds in poems
from the North this winter.
Behind the funeral director's <----I think you need a comma here
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path.
The sky is blue for ever <----forever
over a quiet sea
And I am just another dot
diminishing
well before<-----consider ending with diminishing
infinity.


Nicely done Jenni

Here it it without the suggestive bits, take what you want



I walk towards home
as the sun sinks
on another Friday afternoon,
passing the charity-shop coffee house
where through curved glass
I see today's patrons
chatting about their yesterdays.
I climb the hill towards the sea.
A February blackbird trills
reminding me

I have seen no thrushes
from the North this winter.
Behind the funeral director's,
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path.
The sky is blue forever
over a quiet sea
And I am just another dot
diminishing.

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Jenni. It's great to read you. There is a great deal of originality in this, and I rather like the tone and the manner in which you present your little walk through the neighborhood. I dod find it a bit choppy, however, and I wonder about the particular places where you've chosen to end sentences instead of tying some of them together with semi-colons and a switch in the verbals ?

I also don't like to 'rewrite' a fellow-writers' poems, but find myself occasionally seeming to do that to try to leave the KIND of impression that I'm feeling in a poem... while not feeling that it may communicate it well.

Perspectives

The sun sinks
on another Friday afternoon
asI walk towards homeward,
passing the charity shop coffee house[;]
there[,] through curved glass
I see today's recycled people
sitting, and chatting about their yesterdays,
knowing their tomorrows hold so little.
I climb the hill towards the sea[;]
a February blackbird trills[,]
reminding me

I have seen no thrushes
from the North this winter.
Behind the funeral director's[,]
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path.
The sky is blue for[]ever
over a quiet sea[,]
and I am just another dot
diminishing well
before infinity.

© Jenni Meredith Feb 4th. 2007

merely nudging Lightly, Daniel

[wordsart]

Greetings, Jenni. It's great to read you. There is a great deal of originality in this, and I rather like the tone and the manner in which you present your little walk through the neighborhood. I dod find it a bit choppy, however, and I wonder about the particular places where you've chosen to end sentences instead of tying some of them together with semi-colons and a switch in the verbals ?

I also don't like to 'rewrite' a fellow-writers' poems, but find myself occasionally seeming to do that to try to leave the KIND of impression that I'm feeling in a poem... while not feeling that it may communicate it well.

Perspectives

The sun sinks
on another Friday afternoon
asI walk towards homeward,
passing the charity shop coffee house[;]
there[,] through curved glass
I see today's recycled people
sitting, and chatting about their yesterdays,
knowing their tomorrows hold so little.
I climb the hill towards the sea[;]
a February blackbird trills[,]
reminding me

I have seen no thrushes
from the North this winter.
Behind the funeral director's[,]
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path.
The sky is blue for[]ever
over a quiet sea[,]
and I am just another dot
diminishing well
before infinity.

© Jenni Meredith Feb 4th. 2007

merely nudging Lightly, Daniel

Hi Daniel

Thank you for your perceptive input. I always value your remarks. I don't feel you 'rewrote' this as much as tweaked the punctuation.

I will adopt your punctuation suggestions for the second stanza and most for the firststanza. the one I want to ask about is forever.

I looked and looked at that. I looked it up in dictionaries etc. And I was unsure about using it. It is what I want to say. But I could not decide if it should be for ever or forever. I favoured the two word option but then the singel word was suggested as a revison by Cyn

Is hyphenating right do you think? for me for ever as two separate words is what I mean; like 'for a short time, 'for a long time', 'for ever'. But the dictionaries show 'forever' as one word meaning exactly the same thing?

About your flow suggestions in the first stanza, I can see what you are getting at there, but am not sure. I need to mull over this one a bit more. I am working on a revision where I set it out in couplets, which seems to suit the mood better. When I speak this poem the shorter sentences flow. I suppose it is the way I say it. I wish I could upload an audio.

I will try to record my audio version then I can post a link and we can share it that way.

I will also look at that first section and see where I feel longer sentences would be appropriate.

I have taken on board the idea of using 'collecting' for the people in the cafe, which another MM writer sugegsted, so that part is slightly different in the revision.

I might have it ready to post tomorrow

Thanks for your input and I hope I can post the revision soon (and an audio??)

Best Wishes