New Model Fervor, Blank Verse / revision 01 Options

[Guest_Don_*]

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******** January 7, 2007, Revision 01 ********



New Model Fervor
(Version 01)

A phoenix rose from ash to sear my soul.
The auto market plumage, end of year,
December gluts the air with crisp car ploys
from dealers’ bedlam sales of old and new
arrival models packing showoff space.

Since funds are low from cheerful Christmas debt,
the shakers hike incentive lure to buy.
The vendors’ drive for “best” by slashing stock
demands that suitable suitors press for less
than offered lowest listed sticker prices.

A song to wing the way is engine Hemi
like Odin’s eight-legged horse, Sleipnir, flew.
Inferno red, like Satan, shouts rejoice.
Since Devil’s road is level, smooth, and wide,
I purchased Dodge with phoenix-feather glide.

© 2007, D.E. Holmes
04 January

Form: Blank verse
Meter: Iambic pentameter

*********** Original ***************

New Model Fervor

A phoenix rose from ash to sear my soul.
The auto market plumage, end of year,
December gluts the air with crisp car ploys
from dealer’s bedlam sales of old and new
arrival models packing showoff space.

Since funds are low from cheerful Christmas spent,
the shakers hike incentive lure to buy.
The vendors’ drive for “best” by slashing stock
demands that suitable suitors press for less
than offered lowest listed price.

A song to wing the way is engine Hemi
like Odin’s eight-legged horse, Sleipnir, flew.
Inferno red, like Satan, shouts rejoice.
Since Devil’s road is level, smooth, and wide,
I purchased Dodge with phoenix-feather glide.

© 2007, D.E. Holmes
04 January

Form: Blank verse
Meter: Iambic pentameter

[jgdittier]

Dear Don,
An expose of the auto business set to verse. Is'nt it great that verse has no limitations?
I'm used to end rhymes, but their absence promotes the message and that suggests
sorta tongue-in-cheek that eyes overtook brain.
Anyway, enjoy the new smell, the clear windowshield and your neighbor's jealous look.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Ron,

The Devil made me do it.

Don

[JustDaniel]

Yes...

I got that justification loud and clear, Don... the red demon leapt upon and into you, burning holes in your pockets and laser looks into your retinae...

so keep to the road this year, my friend.

Some of the language sounds slightly stilted in a number of places, but some of it might become less so were you to change the the dealer's to dealers' and then proceed with plural arm-twisters throughout the piece.

Paint the town red throughout the year, Don... but don't let any of it rub off on the sides, front or rear of other cars sharing the road with you.

glasses sLightly tinted red merely for the look, Daniel

[Guest_shaggy breeks_*]

Ha ha nice poem, i love how you can take something as everyday as buying a car..... (and by the sounds of it a very nice car at that) and turn into something that can not only make people smile but look at their mundane tasks again in a new light.

WICKED!
shaggy breeks

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Just Daniel,

Thanks for dropping by and I will take your suggestions to revision.

According the Dante, blaming anyone or anything else except self is a sign of sin. It is making excuses for failure to exercise our God given gift to choose correctly.



Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear shaggy breeks,

Eye of a poet sees essence in the so-called mundane. Glad you enjoyed.

Going to read your insights now.

Don

[AMETHYST]

Hello Don,

I've yet to tackle and/or complete a blank verse formed poem. Usually, I frown on them when I read them, just reminds me but this caught my eye, ear and mind right off... The subject is so fitting and fresh.

Some thoughts to follow... please use or lose what is fitting to your intent...

Hugs, Liz

New Model Fervor

A phoenix rose from ash to sear my soul.
The auto market plumage, end of year,
December gluts the air with crisp car ploys
from dealer’s bedlam sales of old and new
arrival models packing showoff space.


Excellent opening stanza. I loved the first line. And in L3, your use of gluts is wonderful. I've no nit to pick at here... The meter is smooth and unintruding and I barely noticed a lack of rhyme because you've used sounds within words to blend in rhymes. Just enough, so that it didn't feel forced to compensate for the lack of end rhymes, which is something I often find in Blank Verse. Good work.


Since funds are low from cheerful Christmas spent,
the shakers hike incentive lure to buy.
The vendors’ drive for “best” by slashing stock
demands that suitable suitors press for less
than offered lowest listed price.

L1, I would suggest ending with debt and in L2, a silent change from 'the shakers...' to 'when shakers hike. And in L4, I am not sure how you are pronouncing 'suitable' I hear 3 syllables, SUIT-a-BLE, and I read the line with 11 beats, throwing off the meter a tad. I love the inner dual meanings... suitable/suitors/suit/press less... :) Love it...
Perhaps... omitting 'for' between press less... although that doesn't fix the meter... I don't want to lose any of the fullness of the line either. It has so many angles of contemplation. Perhaps not to worry over it is more beneficial to the poem than sticking to tight form. The same with L5, which is 8 syllables, one of the hard fast rules of Blank Verse, is very tight meter. However, again...L5 can easily fit to form, but I think L4, anyway we think it will lose some of it's charm.


A song to wing the way is engine Hemi
like Odin’s eight-legged horse, Sleipnir, flew.
Inferno red, like Satan, shouts rejoice.
Since Devil’s road is level, smooth, and wide,
I purchased Dodge with phoenix-feather glide.

A smooth headless Iamb in L1. Love the ending lines. Not a nibble to mention. This is wonderful!

I enjoyed reading about your new car. Just don't go pulling up to any young girls at red lights to flash your 'dangers' :) HAAHA.. Good luck, good health and good riding for a very Good New Year! :)

Big Hugs, LIz

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear AMETHYST,

I've posted a revision 01 adding most of what you suggested, discussed below.

As you know, blank verse is the last ditch before form poetry becomes free verse. Maybe the forced aspect of which you spoke depends upon writers skill with IP.

Line 4: Per Daniel, I changed "dealer's" to "dealers'."

Thanks for catching the eight-syllable line, which has been corrected in the revision.
Line 3, stanza 2: This is only line that deviates from pure IP. Yes, suitable is three syllables. Variation is intentional to use the combination sounds of "suitable suitors" and internal rhyme of "press/less." Two poetic features which I hope justify deviation from iambic pentameter. Hopefully, this does not detract from charm, as you noted.

Line 2, stanza 2: Your suggestion of "when" for "the" sounds better, but it makes the entire stanza a single sentence. I already pulled a five line sentence in first stanza and felt a change of pace with normal length sentences to be justified. Hence, I decided not to change.

Line 1, stanza 2: Liked your suggestion of "debt" for "spent." Only a few of us use cash for Christmas gifts. In our case of retired fixed income, interest charges are best avoided.

Line 3, stanza 2: The elimination of "for" solves syllable count, but does not correct meter or meaning. The suitors are pressing for less (price), not pressing less.

I did not detect any headless iambs. I would use one anyway despite requirement of more knowledge in scansion to accept at IP.
I despise lowering high art of poetry to match lower standards of judges.

I have found many individuals of both genders at any age enjoy seeing a flashy muscle vehicle. Must be American, no?

Maybe this is the best and final for IBPC entry.

Don