Bird on a Wire Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

*Bird on a Wire (revised, thanks Cathy, Snow, Peggy)

A white dove perches
perilously on
tension-taut wire.

Beneath his claws
currents crackle.

Thunderstorm rips across sky;
lightning lashes power line.

White-hot flames spark;
filament snaps,
whipping through air;
recoiling,
sizzling.

Spinning from control…
wings beat instinctively,
raising bird above
deathly impact.

He slips silently through darkness.




*Bird on a Wire

A white dove perches
perilously on
tension-taut wire.

Beneath its claws
currents crackle.

Thunderstorm rips across sky;
lightning lashes power line.

White-hot flames spark;
filament snaps,
whipping through air;
recoiling,
sizzling.

Spinning from control…
wings beat instinctively,
raising bird above
deathly impact.

Silently slipping through darkness.

copyright Nina 2006

*the title is taken from a Leonard Cohen song of the same name, though that is the only connection between the two. If anyone is interested in the lyrics, here is a link:
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/l/leonard+cohen...e_20082816.html

Nina

[Maggie]

*Bird on a Wire

A white dove perches
perilously on
a tension-taut wire.

Beneath its claws
currents crackle.

Athunderstorm rips across sky;
lightning lashes the power line.

White-hot flames spark;
a filament snaps,
whipping through the air;
recoiling,
sizzling.

Spinning from control…
wings beat instinctively,
raising the bird above
deadly impact as it

Silently slips
through the darkness.

copyright Nina 2006

*the title is taken from a Leonard Cohen song of the same name, though that is the only connection between the two. If anyone is interested in the lyrics, here is a link:
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/l/leonard+cohen...e_20082816.html

Nina

Hi Nina,

This is one of my first critiques of free verse, so take what I've added as merely my personal opinion. What I did was put back the articles (a, an, and the). I'm very new at this type of writing and you're experienced, so take this as only a personal preference. I also changed "deathly" to "deadly." I also changed the last stanza around a bit. All just suggestions.

I think you have an interesting topic to write about!

Peggy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Nina,

I'd call this a close call! There's also a movie by this name with Mel Gibson. *smiles*

Nice alliteration throughout...

A white dove perches
perilously on
tension-taut wire.

Beneath its claws
currents crackle.

Thunderstorm rips across sky;
lightning lashes power line.

White-hot flames spark;
filament snaps,
whipping through air;
recoiling,
sizzling. Good imagery!

Spinning from control…
wings beat instinctively,
raising bird above
deathly impact[;]{.}

[s]ilently slipping through darkness.

Maybe 'he silently slips through darkness'...

It's good to see your work again! It's not often enough... *smiles*

Cathy

[Eisa]

Hi Nina

I really feel there is nothing I would say that definitely needs changing here. This is very well written. I will offer a few thoughts -- use if you wish, but this really is ok as it is.


A white dove perches
perilously on
tension-taut wire.

Beneath its claws
currents crackle.

Thunderstorm rips across sky;
lightning lashes power line.

Wonderful lliteration

White-hot flames spark;
filament snaps,
whipping through air;
recoiling,
sizzling.

Spinning from control…
wings beat instinctively,
raising bird above
deathly impact.

L1 -- I keep wanting to say 'out of control'
L4 -- deadly impact

Silently slipping through darkness.

He slips silently ......



A great read

Snow

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Peggy

This is one of my first critiques of free verse, so take what I've added as merely my personal opinion. What I did was put back the articles (a, an, and the). I'm very new at this type of writing and you're experienced, so take this as only a personal preference. I also changed "deathly" to "deadly." I also changed the last stanza around a bit. All just suggestions.

I think you have an interesting topic to write about!

Thanks for choosing my work to critique. I well remember the first time I offered a crit on free verse and how daunted I felt.

I'm definitely no expert, I've only been writing free verse for about 18 months and most of what I've learnt has been from this board and others' crits.

In the minimalist style, the articles tend to be left out as do unnecessary words and I rather like that.

I think you are right that my last line needs slightly rewording.

My only query about changing deathly to deadly is whether deadly impact is slightly cliched.

Thanks very much for your thoughts.

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

I'd call this a close call! There's also a movie by this name with Mel Gibson. *smiles*

Yes, I vaguely remember the film, though it was the song and song title that were going through my mind when I wrote this.

Nice alliteration throughout...

Thank you.

Spinning from control…
wings beat instinctively,
raising bird above
deathly impact[;]{.}

[s]ilently slipping through darkness.

Maybe 'he silently slips through darkness'...

Yes, I think I do need to use an article there. I quite like the idea of he/she rather than it.

It's good to see your work again! It's not often enough... *smiles*

aww, thanks. I don't seem to be able to write much at the moment other than when given a stimulus, my muse has gone AWOL.

Thanks

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Snow

I really feel there is nothing I would say that definitely needs changing here. This is very well written. I will offer a few thoughts -- use if you wish, but this really is ok as it is.

Thanks very much

Spinning from control…
wings beat instinctively,
raising bird above
deathly impact.

L1 -- I keep wanting to say 'out of control'
L4 -- deadly impact

Thanks for the suggestions though I think deadly impact is possibly slightly cliched.

Silently slipping through darkness.

He slips silently ......

yes, I think the last line needs changing and I like the idea of he/she instead of it.

thanks.

Nina

[Arnfinn]

How ya going Nina,

*Bird on a Wire (revised, thanks Cathy, Snow, Peggy)

Looks like a conflict? Sudden death.


A white dove perches
perilously on<<< 'perilously' What do ya reckin Nina, must be millions of birds perched on h/tension wires. Maybe the birds are innocent.
tension-taut wire.

Beneath her claws
currents crackle. <<< True statement, birds do not understand.

Thunderstorm rips across sky;
lightning lashes power line.<<< maybe delete 'power line' (lightning flashes) perhaps

White-hot flames spark;
filament snaps,
whipping through air;
recoiling,
sizzling.

Spinning from control…
wings beat instinctively,
raising bird above
deathly impact.<<< Bit of feminine intuition, just got out in the nick of time.

She slips silently through darkness.




*Bird on a Wire

A white dove perches
perilously on
tension-taut wire.

Beneath its claws
currents crackle.

Thunderstorm rips across sky;
lightning lashes power line.

White-hot flames spark;
filament snaps,
whipping through air;
recoiling,
sizzling.

Spinning from control…
wings beat instinctively,
raising bird above
deathly impact.

Silently slipping through darkness.

copyright Nina 2006

*the title is taken from a Leonard Cohen song of the same name, though that is the only connection between the two. If anyone is interested in the lyrics, here is a link:
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/l/leonard+cohen...e_20082816.html

Nina

I see what your portraying here. I had a few ideas. Take or leave me dabblings, Nina.



John

[Eisa]

Hi Nina

"I think deadly impact is possibly slightly cliched."

I have to agree with you there -- perhaps 'fatal impact' which hints at a fated destiny.

Snow

[Guest_Nina_*]

Morning John

I'm good thanks, how are you mate?

Looks like a conflict? Sudden death.

You're spot on when you say it looks like a conflict.

A white dove perches
perilously on<<< 'perilously' What do ya reckin Nina, must be millions of birds perched on h/tension wires. Maybe the birds are innocent.
tension-taut wire.

Yes, there probably are millions of birds perched on h/tension wires. It never seems a safe occupation with all that electricity under your feet and the wires are a lot thinner than branches.

Thunderstorm rips across sky;
lightning lashes power line.<<< maybe delete 'power line' (lightning flashes) perhaps

nah, it is important that the lightning hits the wire, striking and taking away the bird's perch.

Spinning from control…
wings beat instinctively,
raising bird above
deathly impact.<<< Bit of feminine intuition, just got out in the nick of time.

yup, basic survival instinct.

Thanks for your thoughts, always appreciated.

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Snow

"I think deadly impact is possibly slightly cliched."

I have to agree with you there -- perhaps 'fatal impact' which hints at a fated destiny.

thanks for returning. However, I still think fatal impact is also slightly cliched and I'm not trying to hint at a fated destiny but at a sudden, violent happening that makes the bird lose it's equilibrium and resting place/home forcing it to fly to a safer place.

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Nina.

I like this poem and your title was nothing of what I thought I would read, so kudos. I enjoyed the imagery of nature's force here.

A white dove perches
perilously on
tension-taut wire.
Nice opening - good use of alliteration.

Beneath his claws
currents crackle.

Thunderstorm rips across sky;
lightning lashes power line.
Here, I suggest combining the above 2 coulets into one stanza.

White-hot flames spark;
filament snaps,
whipping through air;
recoiling,
sizzling.

Spinning from control…
wings beat instinctively, (I'm tossed here about the word 'beat' - don't wings flap?)
raising bird above (rising above)
deathly impact.

He slips silently through darkness.
Dramatic ending Nina. I'm not certain if he made it or not?

Cheers
~Cleo

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

I like this poem and your title was nothing of what I thought I would read, so kudos. I enjoyed the imagery of nature's force here.

Thank you. What did the title make you think about? I ask because often I find titles can give very powerful images, totally different from the way the writer has used them. This one for example is a Leonard Cohen song yet gave me a totally different scenario to the one he used in the song. I'm quite keen at the moment, on using titles and writing my own interpretation. It is a useful tool for inspiration and I need a prompt to wake up my muse.

A white dove perches
perilously on
tension-taut wire.
Nice opening - good use of alliteration.

Thank you.

Beneath his claws
currents crackle.

Thunderstorm rips across sky;
lightning lashes power line.
Here, I suggest combining the above 2 coulets into one stanza.

I think I prefer to keep them separate. They are two totally different images and I want the picture of currents crackling to last a little while before the lightning strikes.

Spinning from control…
wings beat instinctively, (I'm tossed here about the word 'beat' - don't wings flap?)

yes, but they beat as well. Here is the definition from dictionary.com

beat 
Pronunciation verb, beat, beat‧en or beat, beat‧ing, noun, adjective

–verb (used with object) 1. to strike violently or forcefully and repeatedly.
2. to dash against: rain beating the trees.
3. to flutter, flap, or rotate in or against: beating the air with its wings.


raising bird above (rising above)
deathly impact.

saying rising above, means that it reads as if the wings rose above deathly impact and I want the picture of the bird being lifted up

He slips silently through darkness.
Dramatic ending Nina. I'm not certain if he made it or not?

Indeed. Did he or didn't he?

Thanks for the read

Nina

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

a very good minimumlistic piece with the bird on the wire and in the middle of a thunder/lighting storm.

Steve

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thanks very much Steve for reading and commenting.

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thank you. What did the title make you think about? I ask because often I find titles can give very powerful images, totally different from the way the writer has used them. This one for example is a Leonard Cohen song yet gave me a totally different scenario to the one he used in the song. I'm quite keen at the moment, on using titles and writing my own interpretation. It is a useful tool for inspiration and I need a prompt to wake up my muse.

Hi Nina.

I took it as a metaphor intially before reading your poem. "Bird on a Wire" to mean 'Person in a tight spot (bind)'.

Does that help at all? I do not know this song, sorry. Of course, I could read your words and still fit the 'person in a tight spot' to it too so that's cool...

Cheers
~Cleo

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

I took it as a metaphor intially before reading your poem. "Bird on a Wire" to mean 'Person in a tight spot (bind)'.

Thanks, I'm glad you saw the metaphor.

Of course, I could read your words and still fit the 'person in a tight spot' to it too so that's cool...

Brill, because the whole poem is written as a metaphor. You can either read it literally or go deeper to the real meaning. I wasn't sure it had worked on different levels.

Thanks

Nina