 The Path I Choose (Revised), Rondeau |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
  Apr 30 06, 17:09
Post
#1
|
|
 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep  |
The Path I Choose
The path I choose this cherished day rejuvenates a soul gone gray, where every step I take is bright - respecting life with such delight surrendering the fears that prey. I’ll climb a mountain by the bay to bask in nature's lush display which lifts me up; oh joyous sight! The path, I choose. Give me your hope, your love, and stay right here with me; I’ve much to say. We’ll watch the rising stars tonight and touch the warmth of heaven’s light. With you, I know I’ll be okay… The path I choose. Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter Revision 1 (thanks Daniel): puctuation changes Revision 2 (thanks Cathy): from - "and revel in nature’s display" to "to bask in nature's lush display" Revision 3 (thanks Dan) rejuvenates a soul once gray, to rejuvenates a soul gone gray, This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: May 3 06, 12:35 ·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
  
|
|
|
Apr 30 06, 17:45
Post
#2
|
|
 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 18,578 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
A refreshingly beautiful lilt of a piece, Lori... I'm sure reflecting a great deal of burden lifted off the shoulders of your mind and spirit. Extremely well done.
I really only find one small hiccup in your metrical flow... and a few suggestions for punctuation, some for aesthetics, some for grammar. Take or toss as you please: QUOTE(Cleo_Serapis @ Apr 30 06, 18:09 ) [snapback]74423[/snapback] The Path I Choose The path I choose this cherished day rejuvenates a soul once gray[,] where every step I take is bright( ; ) [--] [ since what followes is not a separate clause ] respecting life with such delight surrendering the fears that prey. I’ll climb a mountain by the bay and revel in nature’s display [ an iambic word for 'nature', or a rephrasing ? ] which lifts me up; oh joyous sight! The path[,] I choose. Give me your hope, your love[, or ...] and stay right here with me(,)[;] I’ve much to say( ; )[.] We’ll watch the rising stars tonight and touch the warmth of heaven’s light[.] With you, I know I’ll be okay… the path I choose. Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter [/b] Again, this is a sparkling piece, punctuated with a plethora or emotions and warmth. deLighting to read it, Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner   |
|
|
|
|
Apr 30 06, 19:58
Post
#3
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(JustDaniel @ Apr 30 06, 18:45 ) [snapback]74426[/snapback] A refreshingly beautiful lilt of a piece, Lori... I'm sure reflecting a great deal of burden lifted off the shoulders of your mind and spirit. Extremely well done. I really only find one small hiccup in your metrical flow... and a few suggestions for punctuation, some for aesthetics, some for grammar. Take or toss as you please: Again, this is a sparkling piece, punctuated with a plethora of emotions and warmth. deLighting to read it, Daniel Thanks so much Daniel for stopping by! A burden that is still very much with me, but today was a good day, and yes, an admission of sorts (finally). I am finding each day a new surprise, usually with a positive spirit, but I have had some bad days this week. It was therapeutic to write a Rondeau and Fran's flash stimulus this weekend sparked my muse to sit down and write. I too, am troubled by that line 'nature' - can't think of a good substitute at the moment so I'll think on it a bit. I have incorporated most of your punctuation suggestions so thank you very much Daniel!  Cheers ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
| Guest_Toumai_* |
May 1 06, 02:20
Post
#4
|
 |
Hi Lori
This is a lovely, uplifting read. I said in the Flash tile that I like the way the narator is choosing such an uplifting, positive path (not easy, in unknown territory!). I also very much like the choice of rhymes - the lightly, swift percussive sound of "-ight" against the soft, long, vowel-sound of "-ay". My only stumble is at the line Daniel has hightlighted. and revel in nature’s display I don't have a suggestion as yet, so I will think and see if anything comes to mind  Fran |
|
|
|
| Guest_Cathy_* |
May 1 06, 06:39
Post
#5
|
|
|
Hi Lori,
It's a beautiful poem and the positive attitude is rearing it's head! *smiles* I, too, had a problem with the 'nature' line. What about I’ll climb a mountain by the bay to bask in nature's lush display which lifts me up; oh joyous sight! The path, I choose. Just a thought! Cathy |
|
|
|
|
May 1 06, 07:06
Post
#6
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,578 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
... and I second that thought!
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
May 1 06, 07:15
Post
#7
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(Cathy @ May 1 06, 07:39 ) [snapback]74466[/snapback] Hi Lori, It's a beautiful poem and the positive attitude is rearing it's head! *smiles* I, too, had a problem with the 'nature' line. What about I’ll climb a mountain by the bay to bask in nature's lush display which lifts me up; oh joyous sight! The path, I choose. Just a thought! Cathy Hi Cathy.  Thank you very much! I actually was in a bit of a funk yesterday and writing this poem snapped me out of it (go figure)?  I really like your suggested change to that line and will post the revision now. Thanks so much!  Cheers ~Cleo
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
May 1 06, 07:20
Post
#8
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(Toumai @ May 1 06, 03:20 ) [snapback]74453[/snapback] Hi Lori This is a lovely, uplifting read. I said in the Flash tile that I like the way the narator is choosing such an uplifting, positive path (not easy, in unknown territory!). I also very much like the choice of rhymes - the lightly, swift percussive sound of "-ight" against the soft, long, vowel-sound of "-ay". My only stumble is at the line Daniel has hightlighted. and revel in nature’s display I don't have a suggestion as yet, so I will think and see if anything comes to mind Fran Oops!  Sorry I missed your reply Fran.  Thank you very much and yes, as I have been saying to everyone I know - a positive attitude really CAN heal not only the physical but the phycological too.  I hadn't noticed the rhyming opposites but yes - the sharp verses the soft - that works for me!  I've used Cathy's suggestion for that line - do you like it too? HUGS ~Cleo
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
May 1 06, 07:41
Post
#9
|
|
 Babylonian Posts: 73 Joined: 9-April 06 From: I wish I knew Member No.: 155 Writer of: Poetry |
Hey Lori,
Like everyone else I like the uplifting feel of this. While most of the suggestions have been taken care of I do have one suggested word change. line 2: "once" to "gone", thus: rejuvenates a soul gone gray slightly more emphasis on the word, but I think it would still flow ok. My 2 cents, Dan ······· ·······1 Broken Mirror = 7 Years of Bad Luck
7 Years of Bad Luck = Many More Broken Mirrors So.. Break any mirrors and you might as well shoot yourself and get it over with. |
|
|
|
| Guest_Toumai_* |
May 1 06, 08:01
Post
#10
|
|
|
Hi Lori
Yes, I like Cathy's suggestion, too; captuers the rhythm. Fran |
|
|
|
|
May 1 06, 08:28
Post
#11
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,578 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Dan does point well to a slight drag in the iambic flow, and I feel it clearly now. His suggestion not only softens it, but adds a more subtle, gentle touch to the transition to gray, dontcha think?
... so I've tossed in my too scents with his... Lightly, o' course, Daniel
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
May 1 06, 10:17
Post
#12
|
|
 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,250 Joined: 2-August 03 From: USA Member No.: 7 Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Lori,
 This is such a touching and heartfelt piece! A beautiful poem of inspiration, hope and rejuvenation! You are a great example of strength and encouragement and appreciated by many! God bless you!  Always, Lindi
······· ·······"Imagination is more important than knowledge and encircles the world"
Albert Einstein MM Award Winner   |
|
|
|
|
May 1 06, 11:23
Post
#13
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle  Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Lori,
A nice, positive, uplifting and smooth-flowing poem. When I read your last line......I tend to give it more emphasis.... Tis' the path I choose JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner   |
|
|
|
| Guest_Cathy_* |
May 1 06, 14:55
Post
#14
|
|
|
Your welcome Lori! I'm glad I could help.
Cathy |
|
|
|
|
May 3 06, 12:33
Post
#15
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(moon_shadow @ May 1 06, 08:41 ) [snapback]74478[/snapback] Hey Lori, Like everyone else I like the uplifting feel of this. While most of the suggestions have been taken care of I do have one suggested word change. line 2: "once" to "gone", thus: rejuvenates a soul gone gray slightly more emphasis on the word, but I think it would still flow ok. My 2 cents, Dan Hi Dan. Thank you! I am very pleased that my emotion came through and you got a sense of my positive attitude and thoughts. I really like your suggestion - for the alliterative feel as well as the iambic change. I will make the revision now.  !~Cleo
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
May 3 06, 13:28
Post
#16
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,578 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Super, Lori! I love it. I lilts and lifts and stops just when it should before continuing on.
 I'd only suggest your making the last line begin with a small 't' the, since it's a vitally continuing thought... but of course the final result is the path you choose.This is a stunning example of rondeau, I think.  deLightin' in yer writin', Daniel
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
May 3 06, 13:32
Post
#17
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(Toumai @ May 1 06, 09:01 ) [snapback]74479[/snapback] Hi Lori Yes, I like Cathy's suggestion, too; captures the rhythm. Fran QUOTE(JustDaniel @ May 1 06, 09:28 ) [snapback]74483[/snapback] Dan does point well to a slight drag in the iambic flow, and I feel it clearly now. His suggestion not only softens it, but adds a more subtle, gentle touch to the transition to gray, dontcha think? ... so I've tossed in my too scents with his... Lightly, o' course, Daniel Thank you Fran and Daniel. I have revised the line per Dan's suggestion too. What a difference! Cool!  ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
May 3 06, 13:38
Post
#18
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(Aphrodite @ May 1 06, 11:17 ) [snapback]74487[/snapback] Hi Lori, This is such a touching and heartfelt piece! A beautiful poem of inspiration, hope and rejuvenation! You are a great example of strength and encouragement and appreciated by many! God bless you! Always, Lindi Hi Lindi. You can especially relate (listening to me at work). I was thrilled to be able to share my emotions with this piece and write a Rondeau too, something I haven't done for a while... Thanks for your kind words.  Lori QUOTE(JLY @ May 1 06, 12:23 ) [snapback]74489[/snapback] Lori, A nice, positive, uplifting and smooth-flowing poem. When I read your last line......I tend to give it more emphasis.... Tis' the path I choose JLY Hi John.  Thanks very much - glad you felt this one!  ~Cleo
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 25th April 2024 - 23:42 |
Read our FLYERS - click below
|
| more Quotes |
| ||
|
|
|
|
