January 2007 IBPC Nominations, IBPC Nominations for February comp Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks Don!

I've edited your revision up top for you. Please let us know if you make any more revisions to this piece so we can keep the post accurate.

Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Permission PM sent

Congrats!

[AMETHYST]

Thank you Snow, and I have to say a thank you for Cathy too,

she was about to nominate it and asked if I would mind as it was still under revision, and I asked her to wait till the final revisions were up. So both of you have made me very excited and humbled that you think this is worthy enough to nominate! Thank you, Snow, Cathy and Lori for the support through out each of my poems revision process and growth. No poem becomes worthy without your keen eyes, creative minds and encouragement.

Hugs, Liz

PS Permission Granted! LOL

[Guest_Don_*]

Hopefully this will be the winner.

Thank you

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

What a lovely poem Liz! This is a winner for sure!

Glad I had a chance to read it - will be over to Seren's to comment further soon...

Best of luck
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Thank you Don and thank you Lori,

It is an older poem, with the help of some good friends at MM, it is improving! :) Thank goodness for critique forums, huh? ...

We've got so many great poems up for nomination, no matter which ones represent Mosaic, I can assure you...someone will be taking notice of them...

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

See above for updated revisions... THanks

[Guest_Don_*]

How about changing:
watching her sleep-
to
dreaming in sleep--

Don

[AMETHYST]

Hi Don,

Although it changes my intent for the line, it does open my mind up to further consider another passage for the line. However, your suggestion would repeat the build up of L6 within that stanza. I will be looking into freshing that area up some!

Thanks for your thoughts Don, and continuous support! Perhaps you might want to revisit this in Seren's for a further critique...

Big Hugs, Liz

[Arnfinn]

Christmas Recall


She waits patiently listening for
hurried hooves on rooftops with
bells softly jingling, but hears
the pounding of her neglected heart in
the frostiness of December’s air.

Her hands purple and chapped are placed
over a small fire she carefully keeps going
as she furiously rubs to generate feeling.

Through faint colors of red, green and
speckles of gold a surge of contentment
warms her insides as she harks back to
Christmas lights covering the curved
bushes in front of her childhood home,
a slight smile widens her serious face.

She closes her eyes and breathes deeply
the smells of peppermint, spice, pine and
cinnamon, scents reminiscent of family,
of moments savored.

Her fantasy is soon replaced by sounds
of gunshots, a dwindling fire shared in
a rusted barrel, city lights fading into the
darkness of an unfeeling night and the
stench of decaying garbage permeating
the infected air, but like the magic
of the season, she holds on to a sliver of hope


I think the way Linda developes the reader from normality to reality, through the suttle acceptance of life,is very well documented.

A talented expression.

Regards,

John.

[Peterpan]

Christmas Recall


She waits patiently listening for
hurried hooves on rooftops with
bells softly jingling, but hears
the pounding of her neglected heart in
the frostiness of December’s air.

Her hands purple and chapped are placed
over a small fire she carefully keeps going
as she furiously rubs to generate feeling.

Through faint colors of red, green and
speckles of gold a surge of contentment
warms her insides as she harks back to
Christmas lights covering the curved
bushes in front of her childhood home,
a slight smile widens her serious face.

She closes her eyes and breathes deeply
the smells of peppermint, spice, pine and
cinnamon, scents reminiscent of family,
of moments savored.

Her fantasy is soon replaced by sounds
of gunshots, a dwindling fire shared in
a rusted barrel, city lights fading into the
darkness of an unfeeling night and the
stench of decaying garbage permeating
the infected air, but like the magic
of the season, she holds on to a sliver of hop


Hi John~

Is there something missing from the line above?

PP

I think the way Linda developes the reader from normality to reality, through the suttle acceptance of life,is very well documented.

A talented expression.

Regards,

John.

I agree this is a very delicate poem with a huge amount of fantasy and reality!

PP

[Cleo_Serapis]

I agree!

I will send Lindi the permission PM now...



A poignant piece!

[AMETHYST]

This is a beautiful poem! :) Congratuations on the nomination! Good choice John!

[JustDaniel]

Thank you, y'all!

I've now posted a third revision to this one. Should Snow post it to her original link, or will it be picked up in Hermes?

needin' Light for the procedure, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Daniel, please post your revision in this thread so we can update the initial posting.

Thanks

[JustDaniel]

Wait… Listen in Silence


Waiting

so we might see

what his clenched fingers cry

through flared nostrils… pain-shaded eyes

whispering with shoulder-shrugs… her bowed head

daring hope with a hopeless glance.

Patient—we must sit… still

to feel what’s been

weighting.


Listen

for heaven’s sake—

hearing’s more than data

we chug in through our fax machine;

as we transfer, processing, we translate

codes shrouded in sinew and veins;

pathos pours forth, bristling

when we truly

listen.


Silent

eyes breathe warm trust

through tight-shuttered windows

shattered from storms still a mem'ry,

duct-taped over with bloodied gauze curtains;

they'll give Light when the power’s off,

warmth to a brick-cold hearth,

Love that won’t stay

silent.


© MLee Dickens'son 04 Jan 2007
[ Daniel J Ricketts ]

[Aphrodite]

I would like to nominate this wonderful poem.

Four Old Women

Four old women down by the shore
stroked by waves constant and pure.
Foaming flounces fondling fat feet
tickling tanned toes, under each seat.

Busy blue water poking rock places,
frothy white rides stoic staircases.
Salt shouted spray wafts to wet chins
then sinless drips to skirts and shins.
.

Creamy cascades, downy edges,
dank and green draining stone ledges.
Rush and tumble, down at a rate—
high crescendo with loud debate.
.

Women dance in the fire of sun,
swollen waves run, roll, and re-run.
Sheer scarped, sinuate, steeped shades,
tall citadels— bent colonnades.

Sough the echoes, sough the sound…
Hear the echoes— echoes— rebound.
Hear the thunder—the mighty pound
Women, feel the pound, hear the sound.

© John Macleod 2005


original stanza 4:
Women dance in the fire of sun,
swollen waves run— roll, and re-run.
Sheer scarped sinuate steeped shades
citadels, ring, bent colonnades.

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Jan 19 07, 08:12

Reason for edit: Revised S4 per request

[Aphrodite]

Thank you to everyone who commented on my poem.

:)

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey Lindi.

When ya have a sec, can you PM me back those answers to the questionnaire for IBPC? If you want, I can resend it - just let me know.

Congrats on this nomination!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

An excellent nomination Lindi!

I've sent the permission PM to John

Congrats!