Be Still Options

[Siren]

"Seize!"

"Quiet down!"

"Release me!"

My body vibrates these chants
with each passing fortnight.

Nocturnal- ceaseless- pin pricking
numbs humane reactions.

Imaginary Choruses of raging waves
ravish my days and nights.

Weakly twisting between soaked sheets,
my tears are embraced by drought.

Morning light stings swollen reddened orbs,
filtered through UV protective lenses.

Pill box flaps heavily in my pocket,
with timers buzzing each ones' turn.

"Seize!"
My shuffling feet resonate my pleas,
as each full moon rises then falls.



I know this needs a lot of work but this is my first attempt at writing for months... Hope to get your feedback.

Dani

[Psyche]

Hi dear Dani,

I've been away a long time due to a personal tragedy in our family, but here I am, back to read your quite special poem again. I see that Snow has already given you good suggestions, I do hope you'll return soon in better health.
Here go some questions & comments, to toss or take, dear Dani:

"Seize!" <<<<<<<< I'm unsure whether you mean 'cease' rather than 'seize'. I know that you're referring to epileptic seizures that torment the writer, but here in this context it would seem that the torment must terminate, stop.


"Quiet down!" <<<<<it would be interesting to have these 3 pleas for liberation in italics, as Snow suggests. Without inverted commas.

"Release me!"

My body vibrates these chants <<<<< 'sorrowful or plaintive chants'? Some such adj.?

with each passing fortnight.

Nocturnal- ceaseless- pin pricking
numbs humane reactions.

Perhaps: 'Nocturnal pin-pricking seizures
numb humane reactions'? Here the reader is introduced to the real suffering, altho' I understand the seizures can be at any time of day.

Imaginary Choruses of raging waves <<<<I don't think you need to Cap choruses.

ravish my days and nights.

Weakly twisting between soaked sheets,
my tears are embraced by drought. <<<<Very good!

Morning light stings swollen reddened orbs,
filtered through UV protective lenses.<<<< Brilliant!

Pill box flaps heavily in my pocket,
with timers buzzing each ones' turn. <<<<<< Harsh reality with simple vocabulary, excellent!


"Seize!"
My shuffling feet resonate my pleas,
as each full moon rises then falls. <<<<<< Sensational finale, Dani!



I know this needs a lot of work but this is my first attempt at writing for months... Hope to get your feedback. <<<< Impressive comeback!

Dani

I think your poem excels, Dani. I just have this problem with your use of the word 'seize' which means to grab, carpe diem, seize the day! Maybe you could explain, as I'm sure I'm pretty dense these days...
Many hugs & I wish you peace & love,
Syl***