Animal Parade Revised, A fun child's poem. Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Animal Parade

The monkey in your little red wagon
has a feather in his cap.
Painted green and yellow
it's leaning toward his lap.

Elephants in tights
stop at all the lights.
To bow their heads
when the light turns red;
both to the left and the right.

Dog in his clown costume,
patch over one eye,
leads this parade,
laughing on the sly.
He dances on his hind feet
flips up in the air.
Does it all again
to watch the people stare.

Giraffes with knitted scarves
wound around their necks.
Have painted themselves red and blue,
pretending their on Star-Trek.

Lions and tigers though big,
are just cats,
looking very silly wearing
cowboy hats,
bandannas and lassos
and bright silver spats.
That jingle and jangle
as they stroll down the street,
Lions and tigers
are light on their feet.

Skunks are not the favorites
people say they stink.
These have been fixed and
been painted pink.

Todays parade has passed us by
but come again tomorrow
we'll have Zebras and seals,
and Bears eating banana peels.

Bye for now.

May 25, 2010
© Steve Pray

[merle]

Hi Steve - I like the idea you've presented and think it would appeal to children. There are a few spots where the flow is interrupted and think that's something you may want to work on. I really think this would work better in Hermes rather than fv if you can decide on the rhyme scheme. On a last note, the only stanza I didn't care for was the one with the giraffes in a wreck...maybe a bit too morbid for children?

Robin

[Eisa]

Hi Steve

I think Robin's right - this should be in Herme's as it has great R&M potential. I'll come back to this.

Snow

[Psyche]

Hi Steve!

I second & third the previous motions. This poem begs for metre & rhyme. With just a little bit of work, you can take it over to Hermes. And children love rhymes! I can't remember any children's poems without metre & rhyme at this moment...LOL....there must be plenty.

Original idea, your poem is a great splash of colour and movement. Congrats!

Hugs from Syl***

[Guest_sandiegopoet_*]

Transmogrifying briefly into a child, I find this entertaining. If this were published with cartoons, it would snag kids' attention totally.

To my eye, the rhyme and meter are better in the earlier stanzas than in the latter. I strongly urge you to try a different final stanza, simply because children don't relate to time the way adults do, and the reference to the parade's happening again next June wouldn't turn on a child's mind. Try something that calls up visual images the kids can carry away from the poem.

Best,

Fred

* * * * *

[saore]

Steve this one is a keeper. I love it. It is no easy task to write a poem for children and this one is excellent! Now hurry and get it published! Submit it.

Sergio

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Thank you all for your wonderful comments and for being patient with me on this. I have revised it some and now need some help with the meter etc and then I will put this over into Hermes.

Take care Steve