The Rival Options

[saore]

The Rival

We picnicked in the death stench
of ripe West Indian cherries;
the long eared fox, his Catalina swimsuit
princess and me, the occasional need for
a secret gesture—a hand full
of blind seeds—yes for yeses.

She’d fall asleep on thin sand covered
in suntan lotion. I’d watch you try
to woo her with your boa, yet it was me
whose tinder cage you’d lit.

I pretended to be the windshield wiper
blowing out the flame in your large green eyes.
Yes, I wanted you horizontal,
our heads in the interior of mirrors
escaping down cobblestone alleys

full of heavy sculpted women diminishing
our perceptions, borrowing light from the Big Dipper.
But when your eyes singed the air between us
she’d awaken and strain my lungs
through a conical sieve.

Your lips would parch and bleed.
We dropped her off at the guesthouse.
I wheeled silence the rest of the way home,
trying to avoid the ruts full of anger.

[Psyche]

Hi Sergio,

This is decidedly an interesting poem which deserves more reads before I can comment.

Could you please put me in context a little? I find the first few lines, or perhaps the whole first strophe, a bit obscure.

I gather that there's a threesome relationship going on here. Is one of the trio perhaps a male who is in love with the other male character? If you could sort out the tensions going on between the trio for me a little (supposing I've interpreted it correctly, or not), I would love to offer some suggestions regarding the outlay of your poem.


Greetings from Sylvia

[saore]

Slyvia it is about a threesome, three friends together at the beach. Only the girl does not really love her boyfriend. But there is another man, one that does love her boyfriend. The boyfriend loves him too but he is too afraid to tell her.

Frankly Slyvia, if you don't understand this, you leave me wondering how much poetry you read in your free time. A poet that does not read other poets ends up writing the same poem over and over again.

Sergio

[Psyche]

Thank you for confirming what I had already interpreted from your poem, Sergio, with a view to making some suggestions that might have been welcome. Of course I'll not question you any more or attempt any critique, considering your personal remarks on my reading habits.

Nonetheless, your piece is well-composed and I sincerely wish you much success with your publications. Why do you post in these workshop forums?

Sylvia

[saore]

Sylvia I wanted critique, I don't know it all. But what I get lot of the time is people talking down to me, people who don't have anywhere near the publishing credits that I do. And that gets kind of old after a while, specially when my poems have been published in over 255 journal (print and online), e-zines, and anthologies. And I wonder, is it that I am Hispanic? Is it that I write about being gay? It's got to be something, because in really life no one ever addresses themselves to me the way some people do here. I 60 years old and more than a little tired with this thing.

Sergio

[Daniel Barlow]

Of the three poems I've read from you this is far and away the one I enjoyed the most. The first strophe is a little hard to follow as precisely as you might wish to, especially when you read down and find you want to read more and more. Maybe you need local knowledge to understand it, my point being that to ask for clarification is not a crime, just as it isn't a crime to not know something. It's good work, and that makes what followed a bit of a shame.

db

[Alan]

Dear Sergio,

I note your comments to Sylvia. We here are not professional poets, rather enthusiastic amateurs.

I have read your poems but find myself unable to crit or even comment because I find what you write completely passes me by. It is not that you are gay or Spanish or 150 years old. It is because what you say in the poem leaves me with more questions than answers, and frankly not enough interest to struggle to find out.

Only after some other brave soul queries the poem, and you give some kind of data, that I might understand what on earth you are talking about.

Poems that are so obscure for me fail the test of art - which, again, for me, is the quality of communication. For me, a poem should be relatively self-contained, but so far yours without the added data are not.

Again, I have no doubt you are a successful poet in your own spheres, and good for you on that. Simply not MY spheres.

BTW, I totally accept that what I write probably will not please you either, you may say I am far too obvious, or similar. That's fine.

Sylvia had a good question - why are you here on crit forums since you should be GIVING us crit, not needing to take it. And please do not take this as a signal I think you should leave, not at all. If you post on a crit forum, and get crit, do not be surprised, and do not attack the person critting for their ignorance. That is what I am, I will not speak for Sylvia on that.

Love
Alan