Portal, Times Ten Challenge inspired by Lori Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

This is a Times Ten Challenge response inspired by Lori's "Youthful Lure". Thanks Lori!

Portal

Dark eyes offered a pool of fulfillment
as zephyrs whispered of love songs;
innocence paled among the cliffrose,
plucked one by one from their stem.

On the eve of physical blossoming,
expectations winged gentle skies,
hopes touched the heavens with promise spoken...
scorned by thorned reality.

The flaming bittersweet ascension dawned
breathless upon her trembling soul,
palatial garden petals tumbled
shattered dreams at her feet.

~~~

Behold... a warming kiss of golden sun
glistens upon her cleansing tears,
embraces emotional healing
to break the binding spell he'd cast.

Her blissful sigh kindles soft light within
that star dusts Arabian nights.
Scents of desert flowers fill the air
as contentment fills her heart.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Sept 14, 2006


ascen(sion){ds}
kindles
golden
pala(tial){ce}
Arabia(n)
eve
behold
bliss(ful)
bitter(sweet)
sigh

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Portal

Dark eyes offered a pool of fulfillment
as zephrs whispered of love songs; (zephers or is it zephyrs)
innocence paled among the cliffrose, (cliff-rose) nice image
plucked one by one from their stem.

On the eve of physical blossoming,
expectations winged gentle skies,
hopes touched the heavens with promise spoken...
scorned by thorned reality. (nice internal ryhme)

The flaming bittersweet ascension dawned
breathless upon her trembling soul,
palatial garden petals tumbled
shattered dreams at her feet.

~~~

Behold... a warming kiss of golden sun
glistens upon her cleansing tears,
embraces emotional healing
to break the binding spell he'd cast.

Her blissful sigh kindles soft light within
that star dusts Arabian nights. (this reads awkwardly may be 'stars that dust Arabian nights."
Scents of desert flowers fill the air
as contentment fills her heart.

{nice use of ten words and a good write}

Steve

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Portal

Dark eyes offered a pool of fulfillment
as zephrs whispered of love songs; (zephers or is it zephyrs)Ooops! Thanks for catching that Steve!
innocence paled among the cliffrose, (cliff-rose) nice image I'm not sure... it's a desert flower and I think that it was spelled as one word. I'll check again.
plucked one by one from their stem.

On the eve of physical blossoming,
expectations winged gentle skies,
hopes touched the heavens with promise spoken...
scorned by thorned reality. (nice internal ryhme) Thank you!

The flaming bittersweet ascension dawned
breathless upon her trembling soul,
palatial garden petals tumbled
shattered dreams at her feet.

~~~

Behold... a warming kiss of golden sun
glistens upon her cleansing tears,
embraces emotional healing
to break the binding spell he'd cast.

Her blissful sigh kindles soft light within
that star dusts Arabian nights. (this reads awkwardly may be 'stars that dust Arabian nights." That's a possiblility... I will consider it, thanks!
Scents of desert flowers fill the air
as contentment fills her heart.

{nice use of ten words and a good write}

Thanks Steve! I appreciate your time and thoughts! I'll keep your thoughts and suggestions in mind as I revise...

Cathy

Steve

[Eisa]

Hi Cathy

You have done well with this challenge and written a piece that is full of rich imagery.

Just a few thoughts for extra pruning ~ though not necessary.

This is a Times Ten Challenge response inspired by Lori's "Youthful Lure". Thanks Lori!

Portal

Dark eyes offered a pool of fulfillment
as zephyrs whispered [of] love songs;
innocence paled among the cliffrose,
plucked one by one from their stem.

My suggestion for L2 does slightly change meaning

On the eve of physical blossoming,
expectations winged gentle skies,
hopes touched the heavens with spoken promises...
scorned by thorned reality.

Like the word play in last line

The flaming bittersweet ascension dawned
breathless upon her trembling soul,
palatial garden petals tumbled
*shattering[ed] dreams at her feet.

~~~

Behold... a warming kiss of golden sun
*glistens [up]on her cleansing tears,
embraces emotional healing
to break the binding spell he'd cast.

Her blissful sigh kindles soft light within
that star dusts Arabian nights.
Scents of desert flowers fill the air
as contentment fills her heart.

A beutiful ending ~ very poignant read somehow. I really enjoyed it.
Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Sept 14, 2006


ascen(sion){ds}
kindles
golden
pala(tial){ce}
Arabia(n)
eve
behold
bliss(ful)
bitter(sweet)
sigh

Hope something here helps

Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy

You have done well with this challenge and written a piece that is full of rich imagery.

Thank you!

Just a few thoughts for extra pruning ~ though not necessary.

This is a Times Ten Challenge response inspired by Lori's "Youthful Lure". Thanks Lori!

Portal

Dark eyes offered a pool of fulfillment
as zephyrs whispered [of] love songs; I thought of that too. I was trying to keep to 8 syllables with the second line but as long as it reads smoothly, that doesn't really matter. I will reconsider this... as well as a couple of other spots. *smiles*
innocence paled among the cliffrose,
plucked one by one from their stem.

My suggestion for L2 does slightly change meaning
Only slightly... it still gives a similar image, possibly an even clearer image. Thanks!

On the eve of physical blossoming,
expectations winged gentle skies,
hopes touched the heavens with spoken promises... A possiblity... thank you!
scorned by thorned reality.

Like the word play in last line

Thanks! I wasn't sure it would work with the internal rhyme since there is no rhyme anywhere else.

The flaming bittersweet ascension dawned
breathless upon her trembling soul,
palatial garden petals tumbled
*shattering[ed] dreams at her feet.

This suggestions works... thanks! I had a problem with that line but I think you've just fixed it so that I don't have to lose it. I kinda liked that line! LOL

~~~

Behold... a warming kiss of golden sun
*glistens [up]on her cleansing tears, I'm not sure I want to change that but, I will think about it... *smiles*
embraces emotional healing
to break the binding spell he'd cast.

Her blissful sigh kindles soft light within
that star dusts Arabian nights.
Scents of desert flowers fill the air
as contentment fills her heart.

A beutiful ending ~ very poignant read somehow. I really enjoyed it.
Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Sept 14, 2006

Thank you Snow! I will be using some of your suggestions when I revise, some have given me some ideas. I'll see where they lead me.

Cathy


ascen(sion){ds}
kindles
golden
pala(tial){ce}
Arabia(n)
eve
behold
bliss(ful)
bitter(sweet)
sigh

Hope something here helps

Snow

[duetsdove]

This is a Times Ten Challenge response inspired by Lori's "Youthful Lure". Thanks Lori!

Portal

Dark eyes offered a pool of fulfillment
as zephyrs whispered of love songs;
innocence paled among the cliffrose,
plucked one by one from their stem.

Hi Cathy ~ I love the title. . .perfect it would seem. . .I guess my biggest nit would be that I would like to see "him" and "her". . .more throughout this work.

His dark eyes offered
a pool of fulfillment;
zephered whispered of love songs
floating on the sweet night air,
and her innocence paled
among the cliffrose,
plucked one by one
from their stem.



On the eve of physical blossoming,
expectations winged gentle skies,
hopes touched the heavens with promise spoken...
scorned by thorned reality.

I may look for another way to say "physical". . .all your word choices are so "poetic". . .so lovely. . .and physical seems somewhat "doctor" like.

The flaming bittersweet ascension dawned
breathless upon her trembling soul,
palatial garden petals tumbled
shattered dreams at her feet.

This reminds me of all those Woodiwiss books I used to read in high school. . .The Flame and the Flower, the Wolf and the Dove, etc. *smile* I'd like to know exactly what you're talkinga bout here though. . .or moreseo anyway. . .what ascension? etc.

~~~

Behold... a warming kiss of golden sun
glistens upon her cleansing tears,
embraces emotional healing
to break the binding spell he'd cast.

All very lovely and fairy-tale like. . .your wording does put one in a garden. . .I can see it.

Her blissful sigh kindles soft light within
that star dusts Arabian nights.
Scents of desert flowers fill the air
as contentment fills her heart.

Interesting ending. . .finding the bliss inside the heart ache. . .which is always, always there when we look deep enough.

~Ren~

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Sept 14, 2006


ascen(sion){ds}
kindles
golden
pala(tial){ce}
Arabia(n)
eve
behold
bliss(ful)
bitter(sweet)
sigh

[Guest_Cathy_*]

This is a Times Ten Challenge response inspired by Lori's "Youthful Lure". Thanks Lori!

Portal

Dark eyes offered a pool of fulfillment
as zephyrs whispered of love songs;
innocence paled among the cliffrose,
plucked one by one from their stem.

Hi Cathy ~ I love the title. . .perfect it would seem. . .I guess my biggest nit would be that I would like to see "him" and "her". . .more throughout this work.
Me too! LOL It may turn out to be quite lengthy! Usually I have trouble with titles but as soon as I finished the last line 'Portal' came to mind and I decided to stick with it. I'm glad you like it.

His dark eyes offered
a pool of fulfillment;
zephered whispered of love songs
floating on the sweet night air,
and her innocence paled
among the cliffrose,
plucked one by one
from their stem.


Sigh...Beautiful! *smiles* In other words... beef up the imagery? Bring the reader into the garden...

On the eve of physical blossoming,
expectations winged gentle skies,
hopes touched the heavens with promise spoken...
scorned by thorned reality.

I may look for another way to say "physical". . .all your word choices are so "poetic". . .so lovely. . .and physical seems somewhat "doctor" like.
I hadn't even thought of that! Thanks for pointing that out. Hmmmm... I will see what I can come up with.

The flaming bittersweet ascension dawned
breathless upon her trembling soul,
palatial garden petals tumbled
shattered dreams at her feet.

This reminds me of all those Woodiwiss books I used to read in high school. . .The Flame and the Flower, the Wolf and the Dove, etc. *smile* I'd like to know exactly what you're talkinga bout here though. . .or moreseo anyway. . .what ascension? etc.
I've read her work. She is very good!

Double meaning actually. The 'pinnacle' of their physical union and the sad realization of a 'one night stand'. Like climbing a hill, the bittersweet joy of reaching the top only to fall down the other side (coming down from their physical 'high' and the fall of her heart).

~~~

Behold... a warming kiss of golden sun
glistens upon her cleansing tears,
embraces emotional healing
to break the binding spell he'd cast.

All very lovely and fairy-tale like. . .your wording does put one in a garden. . .I can see it.
Thank you Ren! *smiles*

Her blissful sigh kindles soft light within
that star dusts Arabian nights.
Scents of desert flowers fill the air
as contentment fills her heart.

Interesting ending. . .finding the bliss inside the heart ache. . .which is always, always there when we look deep enough.

~Ren~
And yet this is another spot that I think needs expansion. You don't find the bliss so quickly without some inner struggle and that I haven't captured. I am soooo glad that you dropped in to see this one. I knew I'd get some ideas from you. You've always been very good at capturing the 'passion' and transforming it into words in pieces such as this. I will keep your thoughts in mind and we'll see where this goes.. and how far! *smiles*

Cathy

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Sept 14, 2006


ascen(sion){ds}
kindles
golden
pala(tial){ce}
Arabia(n)
eve
behold
bliss(ful)
bitter(sweet)
sigh

[Psyche]

Hi Cathy!

I was mosing around, hunting for something romantic, and ha....found this one!!! Lucky me...

I adore the romantic vocabulary, the imagery and the twist towards the end, which I immediately captured as disappointment in love, tho' maybe not as drastic as a "one night stand" experience.... Wow...!!!

Some suggestions to use or toss, Cathy, very few really:

This is a Times Ten Challenge response inspired by Lori's "Youthful Lure". Thanks Lori!

Portal

Dark eyes offered a pool of fulfillment
as zephyrs whispered of love songs;
innocence paled among the cliffroses,
plucked one by one from their stem. Wonderful, poignant metaphor. Perfect stanza.

On the eve of physical blossoming, sensual?

expectations winged gentle skies,
hopes touched the heavens with promise spoken...
scorned by thorned reality. The thorn in the rose. Great!!!

The flaming bittersweet ascension dawned First innocent orgasm? Lovely wording, Cathy.
breathless upon her trembling soul,
but palatial garden petals tumbled
shattered dreams at her feet.

~~~

Behold... a A warming kiss of golden sun
glistens upon her cleansing tears,
embraces emotional healing
to break the binding spell he'd cast.

Her blissful sigh kindles soft light within through
that star dusts stardust of Arabian nights.
You've verbalized a noun, Cathy, which is very nice, but I think it trips the reader up here
Scents of desert flowers fill the air
as contentment fills heals her heart. Perhaps heals her heart?

I find this poem most evocative of a young girl being tricked into having sex and perhaps being immediately disappointed, as tho' even the orgasm was more "in her mind" than real...
The whole poem is so magically constructed that I feel she was carried away by her imagination, in all ways.

Wonderful poem, Cathy, lovely read.
Hugs, Sylvia


Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Sept 14, 2006


ascen(sion){ds}
kindles
golden
pala(tial){ce}
Arabia(n)
eve
behold
bliss(ful)
bitter(sweet)
sigh

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy!

I was mosing around, hunting for something romantic, and ha....found this one!!! Lucky me...

I adore the romantic vocabulary, the imagery and the twist towards the end, which I immediately captured as disappointment in love, tho' maybe not as drastic as a "one night stand" experience.... Wow...!!!

Thank you Sylvia!

Some suggestions to use or toss, Cathy, very few really:

This is a Times Ten Challenge response inspired by Lori's "Youthful Lure". Thanks Lori!

Portal

Dark eyes offered a pool of fulfillment
as zephyrs whispered of love songs;
innocence paled among the cliffroses,
plucked one by one from their stem. Wonderful, poignant metaphor. Perfect stanza.

Thank you! I've done some work on this one and 'of' is one of the words I've omitted. *smiles*

On the eve of physical blossoming, sensual?

LOL We must be walking down the same path! Someone had mentioned 'physical' not fitting and I chose to use 'sensual' instead.

expectations winged gentle skies,
hopes touched the heavens with promise spoken...
scorned by thorned reality. The thorn in the rose. Great!!!

I will consider your suggestions for this verse. As to the last line... I wasn't sure if the internal rhyme would stick out like a sore thumb in FV. Thanks!

The flaming bittersweet ascension dawned First innocent orgasm? Lovely wording, Cathy.
breathless upon her trembling soul,
but palatial garden petals tumbled
shattered dreams at her feet.

I'm glad you caught that! It actually carries double meaning... that and the realization that this relationship wasn't what she thought it might be - therefore - bittersweet.

~~~

Behold... a A warming kiss of golden sun
glistens upon her cleansing tears,
embraces emotional healing
to break the binding spell he'd cast.

'Behold' was one of the ten words. Not sure I will change it but I will keep it in mind.

Her blissful sigh kindles soft light within through
that star dusts stardust of Arabian nights.
You've verbalized a noun, Cathy, which is very nice, but I think it trips the reader up here

I know! Was hoping to get away with it! LOL
Scents of desert flowers fill the air
as contentment fills heals her heart. Perhaps heals her heart?

I like that better... thanks!

I find this poem most evocative of a young girl being tricked into having sex and perhaps being immediately disappointed, as tho' even the orgasm was more "in her mind" than real...
The whole poem is so magically constructed that I feel she was carried away by her imagination, in all ways.

Wonderful poem, Cathy, lovely read.
Hugs, Sylvia

Thank you Sylvia! Both for the compliments and the suggestions! Hope to be revising soon! LOL

Cathy


Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Sept 14, 2006


ascen(sion){ds}
kindles
golden
pala(tial){ce}
Arabia(n)
eve
behold
bliss(ful)
bitter(sweet)
sigh

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

I've had this waiting on my desk for a while and I apologize that I hadn't gotten to it over the past couple of weeks. But here I am and I hope to leave something that is of worth for the wait!

Great title. Short, but adventureous.
Let's go stanza to stanza!

Hugs, Liz

Portal

Dark eyes offered a pool of fulfillment
as zephyrs whispered of love songs;
innocence paled among the cliffrose,
plucked one by one from their stem.

The word offered in L1, feel weak, and perhaps there might be another word to further detail the image. Perhaps reflect, mirrored ?

I love L3, such beauty. Good opening stanza.

On the eve of physical blossoming,
expectations winged gentle skies,
hopes touched the heavens with promise spoken...
scorned by thorned reality.

I will put my vote in for sensual, it does offer the image a more poigent description. L3, feels awkward perhaps..
hopes flutter, touching heaven with spoken promises...
scorned by thorned reality. (Excellent line)


The flaming bittersweet ascension dawned
breathless upon her trembling soul,
palatial garden petals tumbled
shattered dreams at her feet.

Lovely work using the metaphor and the enhancing the relationship. Not a word to nit about!

~~~

Behold... a warming kiss of golden sun
glistens upon her cleansing tears,
embraces emotional healing
to break the binding spell he'd cast.

L2, something feels awkward, but I am unsure if it is cleansing tears or the 'upon' maybe just on or even against cleansing tears.
L3, maybe embracing emotional healing
The stanza has a strong meaning, a nice turning point in her experience and simulates the nurturing of the sun feeding, giving life to garden seeds... as she has seeds of love and growing. Nicely done.

Her blissful sigh kindles soft light within
that star dusts Arabian nights.
Scents of desert flowers fill the air
as contentment fills her heart.

Nice ending. The images are fresh and smooth... comes around to the beginning of hopeful love and blossoming roses...


Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Sept 14, 2006

[Psyche]

Hi Cathy !

Glad I've been a bit of use to you... I'm looking forward to your revision! You've received so many suggestions that it'll take you a bit of time to sort them all out and sieve them according to your own liking..

It's a beautiful poem, so don't tweak it too much!!!

Hugs,
Sylvia

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy,

I've had this waiting on my desk for a while and I apologize that I hadn't gotten to it over the past couple of weeks. But here I am and I hope to leave something that is of worth for the wait!

It has always been... *smiles*

Great title. Short, but adventureous.
Let's go stanza to stanza!

Thank you Liz! That's good to hear cause I'm not good with titles. LOL

Hugs, Liz

Portal

Dark eyes offered a pool of fulfillment
as zephyrs whispered of love songs;
innocence paled among the cliffrose,
plucked one by one from their stem.

The word offered in L1, feel weak, and perhaps there might be another word to further detail the image. Perhaps reflect, mirrored ?

I see what you're saying. 'Reflect' might be good. I'll think on it a bit.

I love L3, such beauty. Good opening stanza.

Thank you!

On the eve of physical blossoming,
expectations winged gentle skies,
hopes touched the heavens with promise spoken...
scorned by thorned reality.

I will put my vote in for sensual, it does offer the image a more poigent description. L3, feels awkward perhaps..
hopes flutter, touching heaven with spoken promises...
scorned by thorned reality. (Excellent line)


'Sensual' it is! LOL Line 3 seems to be a 'thorn' in the garden. Working on it!

The flaming bittersweet ascension dawned
breathless upon her trembling soul,
palatial garden petals tumbled
shattered dreams at her feet.

Lovely work using the metaphor and the enhancing the relationship. Not a word to nit about!

Thanks Liz!

~~~

Behold... a warming kiss of golden sun
glistens upon her cleansing tears,
embraces emotional healing
to break the binding spell he'd cast.

L2, something feels awkward, but I am unsure if it is cleansing tears or the 'upon' maybe just on or even against cleansing tears.
L3, maybe embracing emotional healing
The stanza has a strong meaning, a nice turning point in her experience and simulates the nurturing of the sun feeding, giving life to garden seeds... as she has seeds of love and growing. Nicely done.

I haven't quite expressed what I was hoping to in that verse. Or at least not adequately. I'm working on that part too, so we shall see. I like the way you've interpreted it though so I must be going in the right direction. *smiles*

Her blissful sigh kindles soft light within
that star dusts Arabian nights.
Scents of desert flowers fill the air
as contentment fills her heart.

Nice ending. The images are fresh and smooth... comes around to the beginning of hopeful love and blossoming roses...


Thank you Liz! And thanks for your help and encouragement. I think I'll go work on this while the ideas are still fresh in my mind!

Cathy

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Sept 14, 2006