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Waiting for Winter |
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May 27 10, 21:07
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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I caught a maple leaf inside my hand. Its body frail as parchment, pressed with brittle veins—
Just a patch of gold remained, like some intrinsic breath it garnered from a springtime ray.
I placed it down for sedges to reclaim. They cradled it, until the winter came.
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Guest_ohsteve_*
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May 27 10, 22:01
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Guest
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Karen, It is now almost summer and your writing winter poems...excellent piece though, very lovely and wonderful word flow. My muse seems to have deserted me for the time as far as writing so I am reading and doing some painting. Again I am glad you have joined MM.
Steve
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May 27 10, 23:56
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Steve,
This was a sonnet that I never liked-- so I took it apart earlier today and got this, so that's why it's about winter, lol. Thanks!
K
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May 28 10, 08:12
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,621
Joined: 18-August 05
From: Johannesburg, South Africa
Member No.: 127
Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Jox
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Hello and welcome to MM. I loved the gentleness and preciousness of this poem. It shows the reverence we should have for mother nature. I enjoyed every line.
Keep writing! I look forward to more of your work.
Bev
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May 28 10, 16:02
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Karen
Another lovely poem from you! I don't know what your sonnet was like, but I love this. It gives a sense of delicacy ... but also continuity.
I really can't see anything I would definitely change, but here are some suggestions for word changes ... if they take your fancy! LOL!I caught a maple leaf inside my hand. Its body frail as parchment, pressed with brittle veins— Possibly 'palm' is more precise than 'hand'Just a patch of gold remained, like some intrinsic breath it garnered from a springtime ray. Possibly 'Just a fleck of gold remained'I placed it down for sedges to reclaim. They cradled it, until the winter came. A beautiful, almost poignant ending
I don't think my suggestions will necessarily better your poem - just somthing to think on.
Snow
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May 28 10, 17:43
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Bev, nice to meet you~ thank you for the comments on the poem! K QUOTE (Peterpan @ May 28 10, 08:12 ) Hello and welcome to MM. I loved the gentleness and preciousness of this poem. It shows the reverence we should have for mother nature. I enjoyed every line.
Keep writing! I look forward to more of your work.
Bev
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May 28 10, 17:47
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Eisa, Thanks, now that you mention it, palm works really well there. Especially with "pressed and parchment" thanks! I'm not sure about "patch" it could be better, but fleck of gold sounds too common...maybe "glint" or "hint" ?? QUOTE (Eisa @ May 28 10, 16:02 ) Hi Karen
Another lovely poem from you! I don't know what your sonnet was like, but I love this. It gives a sense of delicacy ... but also continuity.
I really can't see anything I would definitely change, but here are some suggestions for word changes ... if they take your fancy! LOL!I caught a maple leaf inside my hand. Its body frail as parchment, pressed with brittle veins— Possibly 'palm' is more precise than 'hand'Just a patch of gold remained, like some intrinsic breath it garnered from a springtime ray. Possibly 'Just a fleck of gold remained'I placed it down for sedges to reclaim. They cradled it, until the winter came. A beautiful, almost poignant ending
I don't think my suggestions will necessarily better your poem - just somthing to think on.
Snow
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May 28 10, 18:58
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (anaisa @ May 28 10, 23:47 ) Hi Eisa,
Thanks, now that you mention it, palm works really well there. Especially with "pressed and parchment" thanks!
I'm not sure about "patch" it could be better, but fleck of gold sounds too common...maybe "glint" or "hint" ?? Karen - my first thought was 'glint' as it sounds good with gold ... but I wondered if it was clique (I've used it quite a lot) Really, I suppose fleck, glint and hint have all been used a lot! (Don't you get fed up of finding new words at times, when the old ones sound good LOL!) Maybe 'patch' is newer after all, but doesn't sound delicate enough for the rest of the poem Just my opinion. I think I like 'tint' or 'hint' ... but its your choice! Snow
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May 28 10, 20:50
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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tinge??
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May 29 10, 04:14
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (anaisa @ May 29 10, 02:50 ) tinge?? Yes!!!!! - tinge is perfect - sounds wonderful! Snow
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May 29 10, 08:03
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,505
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hi Karen,
You never should have told us this was once a part of a sonnet. That just makes this reader long for more. This is a beautiful poem but I would very much like to see it in the original sonnet form. I've always been a sucker for sonnets. Love your "tinge". Much better than "a hint" or "patch", etc. Another suggested word change would be in L3 - replace "frail as" with "fragile". Unless you are utilizing the mental image of "frail" in the context of "very old".
Not sure about your usage of "inside my hand/palm"; maybe sub "within my hand/palm".
May I request you post the original sonnet here or even in another thread? Please!
Larry
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May 29 10, 09:37
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Larry, Thanks for the suggestions. I spent half the morning looking for that dumb sonnet- I didn't save the original one, just took it all apart. I think I posted it somewhere over a year ago, and still haven't tracked it down...now it is bugging me! Maybe I'll find it under another title in a file~ when I do, I will post it. Yes- within sounds better! K QUOTE (Larry @ May 29 10, 08:03 ) Hi Karen,
You never should have told us this was once a part of a sonnet. That just makes this reader long for more. This is a beautiful poem but I would very much like to see it in the original sonnet form. I've always been a sucker for sonnets. Love your "tinge". Much better than "a hint" or "patch", etc. Another suggested word change would be in L3 - replace "frail as" with "fragile". Unless you are utilizing the mental image of "frail" in the context of "very old".
Not sure about your usage of "inside my hand/palm"; maybe sub "within my hand/palm".
May I request you post the original sonnet here or even in another thread? Please!
Larry
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