A Glimmer of Optimism, FV Options

[Eisa]

A Glimmer of Optimism  (revision)



A beam of brightness illuminates life’s tunnel,
manoeuvres me through turbulent times.
It frequently flickers as shadows dance
obscuring obstacles, so I stumble

and falter on.


I dread what hides ahead; the glow dims
and demons hide in dark corners.
I’m scared by their squalls --
my weakened walls still shaken,
by previous explosions.

I shiver when light quivers,
anxious I might slip into depression’s pit,

so I creep on.


The flare is dimmed
as dusk suffocates my flame.
The way ahead is flooded
water seeps through broken bricks.
I’m nearly drowned in doubts.
and ponder --
will this passage transform into my tomb?

but I swim on


Then optimism glimmers further up the track,
reflecting hope’s faint spark.
The radiance soon blazes,
a floodlight for my journey,

as relieved, I scramble on.





A Glimmer of Optimism (original)


A beam of brightness illuminates life’s tunnel,
and manoeuvres me through turbulent times.
It frequently flickers with shadows that rock and roll
I stumble over obstacles obscured by their dance

… and falter on.


I dread what hides ahead as the glow dims
and demons hide in dark corners.
I hear them squall to scare me
and feel them shake my walls,
weakened by explosions further back.

I shiver when light quivers
-- anxious I might slip into depression’s pit

… so I creep on.


The flare is almost finished
when dusk defeats my flame.
The way ahead is flooded
-- water seeps through broken bricks.
I’m nearly drowned in doubts.
and ponder --
will this passage transform into my tomb?

… but I swim on.


Then optimism glimmers further down the track,
reflecting hope’s faint spark.

The radiance soon blazes
-- a floodlight for my journey.

… relieved, I scramble on.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Eisa,

Very good to see you poasing here again.

This is an interesting progress ion through the Tunnell of Depression and out into the light. It is the right direction and seems to be a successful journey.

I like the double-structure of this poem very much. Well done.

For now, just a couple of points,

"igniting hope’s dull spark. "

A spark is bright (hence the expression "bright spark") and is itself an igniter of other things. I think this metaphor needs changing.

I know that you are spartan with punctuation but would a question mark be best after:

"will this passage transform into my tomb"

?

All the best, James.

[Aggiel]

Eisar,

This is a good read. I love the repeated varied short refrains ,… and falter on. ..and so on. It's very cleverly done .

   


Best wishes

Aggiel

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Eisa

This was an enjoyable read.  I liked the depiction of your journey through life being like travelling through a tunnel with all its dark corners and pitfalls, but with a light to guide you through, sometimes flickering and sometimes glowing.

I thought the first two lines were excellent.


A beam of brightness illuminates life’s tunnel,
and manoeuvres me through turbulent times

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Eisa,

A wonderful evocation of life's dark spaces and survival - light at the end of the tunnel and so on. I think that I have seen arguments in the scientific press about why we perceive time as a linear thread (when apparently physicists appreciate it as something else entirely) and the description often used is a dark pathway, where we can see behind us for a while (memory) and our immediate surroundings (present) and a glimmer ahead (our anticipation/prediction) of the future. A digression  - but to explain why I particularly like your metaphor.

Sorry for the rambling,
Fran

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I like this!  I'm glad it had a happy ending.  I like the progression through the darkness and the willingness to fight that darkness, continuing on.  Then the spark of hope and the light at the end of the tunnel to bring you on through.  I do think a question mark would serve well as James suggested.

Cathy~

[Cybele]

Good morning Eisa,  :snowflake:

I hope this is allegoric ?    :speechless:

An excellent representation of a troubled mind Eisa.  I found it very emotive and touching.

Like James, I have just a small problem with  this


Then optimism glimmers further down the track,
igniting hope’s dull spark.


May I suggest

reflecting hope's faint spark ?

Thank you for sharing.  

P.S has M settled in?

[Eisa]

Hi Jox

Sorry I'm a bit late replying here, but I've had a few computer problems recently, among other things.

"igniting hope’s dull spark. "

A spark is bright (hence the expression "bright spark") and is itself an igniter of other things. I think this metaphor needs changing".

Yes -- I wondered why that part  was niggling me. Thanks -- I'll soon put it right.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hello Aggiel

...and thank you -- I'm glad you enjoyed.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Nina

Thanks for reading this -- I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Fran

Wow!! -- I found your reply very interestig -- ramble all you like.

Glad you enjoyed.
Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Cathy

Thanks for your reply. I agree about the question mark too. I'm glad you enjoyed this.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Grace

Thanks for your suggetion -- it fits that line perfectly.

Mum is settling in -- but not without problems. I'm having computer problems at the moment. As soon as they're sorted I'll e.mail you.

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow.

What an intriguing piece!  :detective:

Despair and hope mingling together - will alliteration and assonance to guide them along...

Two teensy nits:

… but I swim on  >>> add enstop please.


Then optimism glimmers further down the track,
reflecting hope’s faintlspark. >>>typo on faint?

Lovely journey!  :lovie:

[Guest__*]

Dear Snow,

Long time no see, unless I look out of my chilly front window !

I'm a little dislocated, my boy and friends are going to the park to play ....








.... tennis ! Errrr ?

Anyway to your poem, good ideas, I think I have some suggestions if you want them, and some format thoughts :

(Feel free to drown any of my ideas that do not please you, or alter the menaings)

A Glimmer of Optimism -- Shorten title to GLIMMER ?

A beam of brightness illuminates life’s tunnel,
and manoeuvres me through turbulent times. -- del and
It frequently flickers with shadows that rock and roll -- r'n'r takes my thoughts elsewhere, thereby weakening your impact.
I stumble over obstacles obscured by their dance

… and falter on.  -- These inset words are very good, but drop the ellipsis (right word for those little dots ? )


I dread what hides ahead as the glow dims -- del the ?
and demons hide in dark corners.
I hear them squall to scare me -- They squall to sc ... ?
and feel them shake my walls, -- needs another way of saying these 2 lines
weakened by explosions further back. -- rewrite to paint better pic ?

I shiver when light quivers -- add comma
-- anxious I might slip into depression’s pit  -- del -- , add endstop

… so I creep on. -- see above on inset


The flare is almost finished
when dusk defeats my flame. -- these 2 lines seem an odd coupling - rewrite ?
The way ahead is flooded
-- water seeps through broken bricks. -- del --
I’m nearly drowned in doubts.
and ponder --
will this passage transform into my tomb?

… but I swim on -- see above re inset


Then optimism glimmers further down the track, -- I'd say up the track ?
reflecting hope’s faintl spark.

The radiance soon blazes
-- a floodlight for my journey. -- del --, kame it comma

… relieved, I scramble on. -- add as - as, relieved, I scram ...

Snow, good work dying to get out - a little polish to reveal a gem !

Love
Alan

[Eisa]

Hi Lori

Thanks for pointing those two errors -- will correct them now.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Alan

Thank you for your brilliant `crit'. I had almost forgotten about this one, but you have inspired me to polish it up a bit. it's late now ( nearly 2 am) but I'll have a look at it later

Thanks

love Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Alan

At last I've found time to revise this thanks to your wonderful critique. I think I have covered all the points you have brought up. Let me know if there is anything else you think of.

Thanks   Snow