Living On Deathrow, Free Verse Options

[AMETHYST]

*****Minor Revisions******

Living on Deathrow

The smooth sway
of a minute hand glides
toward the hour,
completing a countdown
of that slight slide
into a second chance.

******Original Draft******
Sitting on Deathrow

A smooth sway
of a minute hand, glides
toward the hour; completing
a count down-of a slight
slide into a second chance.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

I wouldn't want to be in this situation! Quite eerie IMO!

Sitting on Deathrow

A smooth sway
of a minute hand, glides
toward the hour; completing
a count down-of a slight
slide into a second chance.

Is there a reason for all the a's or did it just come out that way? And I think that 'count down' is one word? I get the feeling that this person is hoping for a stay of execution and is watching the clock...


Anyhoo... an alternative to consider:

Smooth sway
of minute's hand, glides
toward the hour; completing
the countdown of a slight
slide into a second chance.

Just some thoughts! Take or toss as you see fit! LOL

Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

Yes... the 'a's' were just the way it came out and you've offered a very strong revision suggestion to weed them out! Thank you. This is a multiple meanings in metaphor of both aging and feeling like we're running out of time, confined in our lives, as if we've been sentenced, while also depicting the inmate sitting on deathrow... and then shorter moments, like dancing as the time gets nearer to the end of evening and the hope of getting another chance for that special kiss or something more...

These are what I will be working to bring out further as well by adding a stanza before the poem making this an ending stanza.

Hugs, Liz

Hi Liz,

I wouldn't want to be in this situation! Quite eerie IMO!

Sitting on Deathrow

A smooth sway
of a minute hand, glides
toward the hour; completing
a count down-of a slight
slide into a second chance.

Is there a reason for all the a's or did it just come out that way? And I think that 'count down' is one word? I get the feeling that this person is hoping for a stay of execution and is watching the clock...

That is one of the meanings, I would like to improve on this by drawing some further thoughts to the underlying meanings as well. If you have any thoughts on that please let me know!


Anyhoo... an alternative to consider:

Smooth sway
of minute's hand, glides
toward the hour; completing
the countdown of a slight
slide into a second chance.

I love your weeding and will most likely use it in conjunction with the upcoming stanza as well.

Just some thoughts! Take or toss as you see fit! LOL

Cathy

Thanks Cathy for stopping in. I know it isn't much of a poem just yet. But I wanted to see if it had any pulse as it was...

Hugs, Liz

[Mysty]

Interesting view Liz .. if it wasn't for the title.... well I would never have guessed it's intent. Quite unique I think. Thanks for a good read :)
Cathy has made some excellant suggestions.

~Mysty~

[Guest_Don_*]

original:
A smooth sway
of a minute hand, glides
toward the hour; completing
a count down-of a slight
slide into a second chance.

Suggested:
The minute hand's smooth sway
slides toward the hour
to complete a countdown
of a glide into second chance.

Don

[Eisa]

I like the message of this little verse Liz.

You have already been given some good feed back, but here is another way of saying it ~


The minute hand
smoothly sways
toward the hour
completing the count-down
of a slight slide
into a second chance

Hope something helps.

Hugs Snow

[wordsart]

Hello Liz

Your poem is short but not an easy read. It has a lot of depth. And I like poems that say a lot in a deceptively simple way.

I was interested to read all the different crits. My preference is for your original wording with the 'the' revision suggested to take the 'a' away.

A smooth sway
of a minute hand, glides
toward the hour;

The rhythm of those lines for me subtly reflects the ticking of the clock or the swaying of a pendulum; the measured and unstoppable passing of time. 'Glides towards the hour' is nice as you alliterate the 'ds' sounds and that has the feel of time passing faster than you would like.

completing
the countdown of a slight
slide into a second chance.

The alliteration here with hard cs adds the clock ticking sound to the rhythm you established in the previous line. And 'second chance' is (probably an unintentional) pun. But I don't mind puns like this because I think they add another layer of meaning. Here the other meaning would be that time sometimes gives us other chances.

A 'Slight Slide' is alliterative too, of course, But I am not 100 per cent sure about that line. It seems to mean that the slipping from life to death is a slight slide; not a hard journey.

Perhpas if you said 'that' ie

completing
the countdown of that slight
slide into a second chance.

it would emphasise better that you mean the moment of slipping away to the other side.

I hope that's helpful and thank you for the atmospheric and pensive poem. :-)

Jenni (wordsart)

The spell checky hting is not working so I hope I picked most of my typos up?

[wordsart]

Hi Liz

I forgot to mention the title of your poem. i wondered if you could allude to the metaphorical sense more here; "Living On Death Row' perhaps?

Sorry I should have added that in to the original posting..

[AMETHYST]

Interesting view Liz .. if it wasn't for the title.... well I would never have guessed it's intent. Quite unique I think. Thanks for a good read :)
Cathy has made some excellant suggestions.

~Mysty~

Hey Mysty,

Thank you for your kind comments. Cathy usually leaves me with a very good foundation of suggestions and ideas to improve my work! I love her creative mind and instincts!

There should be some minor changes to come and I hope it brings it to life. So good to see you around and about!

Best Wishes, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hey Don,

Thank you Don for stopping in and giving me some ideas to work with. I will be putting great consideration into your example revision. A lot tighter in places and I will have to see if the underlying meanings aren't sacrificed with the edits!

Thank you so much for your keen eye and style!

Big Hugs, Liz

original:
A smooth sway
of a minute hand, glides
toward the hour; completing
a count down-of a slight
slide into a second chance.

Suggested:
The minute hand's smooth sway
slides toward the hour
to complete a countdown
of a glide into second chance.

Don

[AMETHYST]

Hi Snow,

Thank you so much for coming in ... Yes, I had hoped that all of what I was intending was coming through...I think with the suggestion that Wordsart left really enhances the 'idea' of the poems meaning. Keep an eye on it for some revisions!

Hugs, Liz

I like the message of this little verse Liz.

You have already been given some good feed back, but here is another way of saying it ~


The minute hand
smoothly sways
toward the hour
completing the count-down
of a slight slide
into a second chance

Hope something helps.

Hugs Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hello Liz


Hi Jenni, and Welcome to Mosaic Musings! Glad that you have join our family...I have been enjoying reading your critiques and feedback on others' work. You make good sound suggestions and really consider many aspects of the poems intent in making those, as you have here! Thank you!


Your poem is short but not an easy read. It has a lot of depth. And I like poems that say a lot in a deceptively simple way.

I am glad you were able to see the link between waiting for death/living

I was interested to read all the different crits. My preference is for your original wording with the 'the' revision suggested to take the 'a' away.

A smooth sway
of a minute hand, glides
toward the hour;

The rhythm of those lines for me subtly reflects the ticking of the clock or the swaying of a pendulum; the measured and unstoppable passing of time. 'Glides towards the hour' is nice as you alliterate the 'ds' sounds and that has the feel of time passing faster than you would like.

Exactly what I was hoping for. The rhythm of time, its movement, the steady, precision of time passing. Just as the pendulum sways away our time here. Each tick compiling a minute, into an hour, into days, years ... at last ... a lifetime. And the picking up of speed is what I was trying to imply- The use of soft sounds was to bring out the tip toeing of time. Thank you!


completing
the countdown of a slight
slide into a second chance.


The alliteration here with hard cs adds the clock ticking sound to the rhythm you established in the previous line. And 'second chance' is (probably an unintentional) pun. But I don't mind puns like this because I think they add another layer of meaning. Here the other meaning would be that time sometimes gives us other chances.

Thank you for bringing this out. I hadn't used alliteration in this way for the purpose of enhancing the quickening of time passage, but your feedback is wonderul and brings that to my attention.

I like puns too!




A 'Slight Slide' is alliterative too, of course, But I am not 100 per cent sure about that line. It seems to mean that the slipping from life to death is a slight slide; not a hard journey.

Perhpas if you said 'that' ie

completing
the countdown of that slight
slide into a second chance.


I was hoping for a dual intent with that line. As we make this journey, it seems that it is a journey to death, while it is a journey and death happens, like any other experience through out our time. Sort of like one of those pictures we look at that you might see an old witch lady and you look at it longer, a little more different and you see the beautiful young princess.

I see your point with making the change to "that' to specify the importance of that moment.

it would emphasise better that you mean the moment of slipping away to the other side.

I hope that's helpful and thank you for the atmospheric and pensive poem. :-)

Thank you for coming in and taking a deep breath of the atmosphere and leaving me lots of ideas to improve and where I should continue with what I have, as not to lose those underlying meanings.

Jenni (wordsart)

The spell checky hting is not working so I hope I picked most of my typos up?

The spell check doesn't work on my computer either-only when I am posting at work. Which lets me know it is the computer I am using and not MM! LOL Not to worry.

Thank you again for coming in and giving a great helpful hand. I enjoyed reading your thoughts and feedback! Look forward to reading your work as well.

Best Regards, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz

I forgot to mention the title of your poem. i wondered if you could allude to the metaphorical sense more here; "Living On Death Row' perhaps?

Sorry I should have added that in to the original posting..

Oh yes... I will be making use of your title suggestion! Thank you


Best Wishes, Liz

[Arnfinn]

*****Minor Revisions******
Hi,

Living on Deathrow
<
The smooth sway <<< Sway? (back and forth)? perhaps 'The silent stroke'?
of a minute hand glides <<< not glides>>> slips.
toward the hour,
completing a countdown
of that slight slide <<< complementry word 'slide' to slips above.
into a second chance.



Perhaps a few ideas her Liz.

Regards,

John


******Original Draft******
Sitting on Deathrow

A smooth sway
of a minute hand, glides
toward the hour; completing
a count down-of a slight
slide into a second chance.

[Guest_Don_*]

Here is another blurb to prime your creative pump.

Pendulum swaggers the hour
of countdown glide of slide
into second chance.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

I like the improvements you've made in your minor revision! Your title is certainly gripping as is the content here. I don't have any suggestions other than two - for a more dramatic pause at the closing. Pleae take or toss as you wish.

The smooth sway
of a minute hand glides
toward the hour,
completing a countdown
of that slight slide... [add an elipse ]
into a second chance.

OR

The smooth sway
of a minute hand glides
toward the hour,
completing a countdown
of that slight slide [add a line break space]

into a second chance.

Your alliteration sings in this short, potent poem!
~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

I like your latest revision a great deal.

Don

[AMETHYST]

Thank you Don. It is short, but I hoped it said a lot! Thank you for your help with this one! Best Regards, Liz