Critiquer of the month for APRIL Noms, please reply by September 3rd Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in APRIL.  :block:

 :hsdance:  :musicband:  :dance:  :claps:

Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

The details:
[*]Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of APRIL. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic start date OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critique replies were made in February as well.  :detective:
[*]Post the two examples in this thread.
[*]Post only the CRITIQUES.
[*]Make sure your examples are from the month of APRIL.
[*]State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
[*]Eligible forums:
Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations

Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through September 3rd, 2005.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

Good luck all!  :cheer:
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!  :dance:

Mosaic Musings Staff  :knight:  :pharoah:  :vic: :roman:  :viking:  :tut:  

[Cleo_Serapis]

I'd like to nominate NINA for COM in April...

The two posts she critiqued as examples are from:

New Skin in Stonehenge...

Hi Fran

A very interesting idea, visualising what it would be like in the skin of an Orang-Utang.  
Now this is going to sound spooky, but as I was doing the hoovering this morning, I was thinking about a children's book by Peter Dickinson called Eva.  It is about a girl who has a really bad car accident and is in a coma.  To save her life, her mind is transplanted into the body of a chimpanzee. It was a very interesting read, showing how the ape part of her became dominant.  So you can imagine my surprise when I read your story.

Just a couple of tentative comments for you to take or reject.
{delete} [add] comment

But once I’m free[,] I cross the hall in a bound of energy{,} [and] drag the heavy back door open[.] {and} I can smell such freedom as I’ve never imagined. My muscles are fizzing I'm not sure about the word fizzing, it reminds me of fizzy drinks perhaps the word flexing instead with possibilities. For a moment I snuff ?sniff the air, drunk on the leafy spring greenness the soft breeze carries. {And} {t}[T]hen I come to{,} and realise it looks weird.
not sure what it you are referring to maybe replace it with something looks weird.

{And h}[H]ow did I end up on top of the patio table? I must have climbed up without even noticing the action. Climbing solves things – climbing works … at least in this skin. From up here things look almost normal.
I find this paragraph rather confusing.  Previously you were at the back door sniffing the air and suddenly you are on top of the patio table without seeming to have moved.  
What things does climbing solve?
Also in the previous paragraph, it is weird and something is wrong and now suddenly things look almost normal.

Ah! So now I’m only a metre tall, immensely strong and intoxicated by my new senses. I’d laugh, but I can’t. I ought to want to sing, but instead I somersault off the table and do a full back flip before swinging myself up the terraces of the garden towards the woodland beyond the fence. Who needs steps? I really like this paragraph; the feeling of movement, fluidity and strength.

I am climbing. I was born for this. The swaying helps; rhythm draws me. The rhythm of the climb, long arms and feet with a thumb; the rhythm of the forest; the rhythm of my own body inside the skin – the love we feel for this.
I feel this paragraph is wonderful; the feeling of being the Orang-Utang, at one with nature, part of the forest - except for the rhythm of my own body inside the skin - the love we feel for this.  the first part throws in (in my mind anyway) a disharmony.  Rather than your body being at one with the skin there is a separation.  I'm not explaining myself very well but it is hard to put into words.  Going on to the love we feel for this.  What is this referring to?  I also feel it weakens the ending

I enjoyed the read.  I thought it a brilliant idea and very believable.

Nina


AND


POSTCARD FROM SPAIN in Seren's Synapse:

Hi Grace

Another wonderful picture (both words and photo) from your travels.  Your poem is languid and relaxed just like the pace of life must be in Comillas, very different to the hustle and bustle of London.

My favourite lines are

Swirling wisps of smoke scribble
softly on a blue parchment sky.

The words paint such a wonderful picture in my mind.

A rare yellow-beaked chough
circles in the sparkling air
seeking delicacies for fledglings.
An old man hobbles on cobbles,
bearing home new-baked bread.
A mother loudly prompts a child
to rise..


My only nit is the poor old man who hobbles on cobbles.  It feels a bit abrupt compared with the rest of the poem especially as the mother's voice would feel more abrupt.  Perhaps you could soften it a bit by saying

An old man hobbles painfully on cobbles

but of course it is entirely your choice.

and I, from my wide-flung window,
embrace the new-born day.

I can picture you smiling as you embrace the beauty and poetry of the scene from your open window.

I love your new avatar.  Typical British weather.  We experienced the same landing at Gatwick this morning.  Having left a wonderfully sunny Tenerife yesterday evening as the sun was setting, we arrived to torrential rain in London this morning (and fairground-ride turbulence on the plane's descent).  Welcome back to reality!

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Lori...

You beat me to it, well done!

I'd certainly like to nominate Nina - or, rather, second your nomination now.

Nina critted, amongst very many other things, these

Au-thentic Happiness by me

House of Cards by Arnie

Nina's quality of crit shines through in both examples.

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori, James

Lori - thank you so much for nominating me as COM and James  - for seconding the nomination.  I'm thrilled you both thought of me.

Thank you

 :grinning:

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello - would anyone else like to join in seconding (thirding, etc.. Nina's nomination?

Cheers!
~Cleo

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi, Lori

Yikes! I've been meaning to leave a message here since I came back off hols, but I haven't done my homework and dug up the threads yet, sorry!

Yes, I will also second Nina's nomination. She is a wonderful critter, who is tireless in her encouragement for all of us. Her calm, thoughtful words are full of insight.

I will try to get back with some links ASAP  :speechless:

Hugs,

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thanks Fran

Your support of my nomination is much appreciated and I'm touched by your lovely words.

Nina

[Psyche]

Hello - would anyone else like to join in seconding (thirding, etc.. Nina's nomination?

Cheers!
~Cleo

Yes, Cleo and everybody, I would like to join all of you in nominating Nina.
She does a great job and I'm so grateful for her tireless work on my, and everybody else's work.  :sun:

Hugs to all,
Sylvia  :turtle:     .... can't think what comes after "thirding"....  :oops:

[Guest_Nina_*]

thanks Sylvia

your fourthing is much appreciated.

Nina

[JustDaniel]

... so... let's just cast a white ballot for Nina! :pharoah2

deLighted to just do it , Da niel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats to Nina for winning the designation COM for April 2005!

Well deserved!
~Cleo  :pharoah2