CRITIQUER of the month, a new designation Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

Beginning with the month of JANUARY 2005, we have begun a new monthly award designation: COM

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in January.  :block:

       

Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*New Laurel Wreath Award

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

The details:
[*]Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of JANUARY. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic start date' function located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critique replies were made in Janaury as well.  
[*]Post the two examples in this thread.
[*]Post only the CRITIQUES.
[*]Make sure your examples are from the month of JANUARY.
[*]State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
[*]Eligible forums:
Hermia's Homilies, Seren's Synapse, Homer's Homilies & Socrate's Synapse for poetry COM nominations

Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through March 1st, 2005.

Good luck all!  
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!  

Mosaic Musings Staff             :roman:

[Cleo_Serapis]

I'd like to nominate ALAN for COM in January.

My examples are:

From Psyche's tile, "A Poet's Voice" in the forum, "Hermia's Homilies":

Dear Psyche,

This is lovely, for me, much lovelier than the original. Its sentiment is fine, but somehow to sweetish, and I have rudely spoofed it, hers, not yours !

Coupla very minor points for you to chuck, or ....

I cannot stop the wind from blowing
Nor still the ocean tides;
A rose will bloom without my knowing
To adorn an Autumn bride;
Yet I can stretch a loving hand
To embrace a frightened child -- add comma at end of line
By greed its rights denied.

I cannot halt empires from growing -- stop would b eeasier to say here, and help the ba-dums !
Nor make the rich provide;
A war will rage without foreknowing
To scourge fair country sides; -- if you did "the countryside, perfect rhyme ?
Yet I can join the crescent throng -- don't know what you mean here
Refusing to abide
While innocents have died.

Let this be writ upon my tomb:
That I did not my eyes blindfold -- delete "that" ?
Nor close my eyes to doom, -- eyes twice, is there another word ?
But rather with a poet's voice
All shameful deeds retold. -- such rather than all ? - All is a tall order !

Love
Alan

From larrysgirl5548's "The Scrapbook Page" in Hermia's Homilies:

Dear Cathy,

As they all say, lovely, sad nostalgia, (almost) perfectly done.

I have one solution, and a - new - problem.

Solution :

Remembrances glow of moonlight,
as shadow'd chemise falls.
Silken threads of light thus shed
disrobed by breath of night.
The engulfing quiet sears ... - making this into a full sentence clarifies your intent, sears as a verb, biting into her thoughts, memories etc.

Problem :

All that remains
is this book they shared, -- for some reason I think "the" would be stronger ?
corners tattered and cracked with use.
*hiccoughs a sob*

- Here is where I stumble - perhaps a comma would clarify ? :
*hiccoughs, a sob*

She sets the beloved album aside -- She sets her beloved album down - her makes this really personal, and "down" has more sad finality ?

As alway, throw me out with the bathwater if I displease you, what you have here is already so strong, don't know if any of my suggestions add to what YOU are saying ....

I've just had another idea - your title, "The Faded Album" could be "FADING ALBUM", I think the "the" is unneccesary, and "fading" implies continued loss, decline, while "faded" signifies a completion of the process. Nit-picking, perhaps ?

Love
Alan

One more example from Nina's "Anger" also in Hermia's Homiles:

Dear Nina,

While this is such a common scenario, I trust that it is not too autobiographical.

The narrative is quite accurate, there are one or two places where a "the" or such could be replaced with a more descriptive word, or increase the impact of the picture :

You shout out with anger
Your words causing pain
The hate and the venom -- through hate and with venom ?
You attack me again

You use your frustration
And rage at the world
I become just a punchbag -- to make me a punchbag ?
For bitterness hurled

And then you feel better
At peace in your head
Full of regret         -- so full of regret ?
At the words that you’ve said -- del "the" ?

A hug and a kiss
You think will suffice
You can’t see I’m bleeding -- I'd use the last 2 lines first ? More impact ?
You never think twice

But the damage is done
I feel ripped apart
The fingers of hurt
Cut straight through my heart -- cut straight TO my heart -- much, if you'll forgive the expression, punchier with the short word here ?

Nina, this is powerful. Have a look at all my offerings, then toss them if you do not approve !

Love
Alan

I hope Alan will be considered for COM in January!
Good luck!

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cleo,

How is the winner to be decided if there are several nominations?

But I think Alan would indeed be a worthy first winner for the title. His crits are considerate, useful and - where appropriate - wonderfully amusing (and I'm not agreeing merely because we'll be dueting soon  :jester: )

Here is another of his contributions (Jox's poem "Beep" in Hermia's Homilies, 30th Jan)

Dear Jox,

Another only you could have written.

Beep.
I glided through a tunnel; -- simpler in present tense ? I glide thru ...?
remembering no beginning, -- I remember no beginning
when, how - would it end? -- when, how, if, it would end ? -- ?

Beep.
Speed: slow, deliberate.
No panic, nor stress... -- or, not nor. Also, no comma ?
except: I wish I were my pilot.

Beep.
Psychedelic Lighting - -- cap L on purpose ?
another mystery on
my surreal journey.

Beep.
The tunnel - purple-grey,
adorned with soft yellow rocks; -- strewn ?
a red brook ran along its base. -- running, surely ?

Beep.
Floating’s hypnotic effect -- Hypnotic effect of floating -- easier ?
relaxing; mental drift; though
continued forward motion...

-- Hypnotic effect of floating
-- relaxation; mental drift;
-- forward motion continues ...

Bang!    
I stopped. Rock wall:
blocked tunnel. Terminal.
Fell down into dry river bed.

-- Until BANG !
-- I stop. Rock wall,
-- blocked tunnel. Terminal.
-- Fall * into dry river bed. -- down redundant ? and PT again ?

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Jox, not at all sure what this is about, but I hope to have offered some easier solutions to the pics you paint ?

The only pic for the whole poem that keeps half-forming in my mind is a "wasted" sperm's journey ....

... but I'm sure you are writing about something else entirely.

Love
Alan


And my second example (from Psyche's "Leviathon" in Hermia's Homilies):


Dear Sylvia,

Wow.

Shockingly precise, and very sad. I hesitate to say "Well done", perhaps "Brilliant" would be better.

Just one Q :

And the poor were hardest hit,
but the laments that rose
from destroyed settlements and huts,
were like thin wisps of vapor
spiraling up in uneasy silence.

The structure you use here seems to expect a sequiteur after the "but", but I don't see one. This snagged my reading.

It could be simpler :

The poor were hardest hit,
their laments rising
from destroyed settlements and huts
like thin wisps of vapor
spiraling up in uneasy silence. -- I'd say "spiraling into an uneasy silence" ?

Feel free to ignore me !

Love
Alan

[Guest__*]

Dear Lori,

OOOOOh - errrrrrrrr ! Wow !

But you are cheating, you used 3 examples !

Thanks for the nomination ! I.m thrilled.

And Fran, thank you as well.

Love
Alan (The critter from the black lagoon)

[Guest_Jox_*]

I'm with Lori and Fran on this....

I won't even bother with examples; they are scattered throughout MM all the time.

Alan not only "gets around" (please take that the wrong way, Alan - I'll look forward to the poem!) but his crits are very often in-depth and well thought-out.

I know Alan puts many works on MM but if one looks at the work he puts into helping others, he must write miles more critting others (that is in virtual ink flow) than he ever offers his own works for crit.

As Fran says, there are many excellent critters on MM - which makes Alan's outstanding contribution especially remarkable. Who can honestly say they haven’t been touched by Alan since Crimble? I know I have. So, yes my nomination for critter of the month goes to Alan, too.

OK, this is becoming too nice, so I'm off to polish my lavender ferret. See you all.

Toodle Pip,

James.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks for stopping by Fran, Alan and James!  :knight:

How is the winner to be decided if there are several nominations?

We will do a POLL of course as we do now with Pandora's Chaos and Member Choice nominations. I still need more feedback from our staff, but I am thinking that we would keep these 'nomination' threads open for at least 3 weeks. After that, I would create a poll and ask our members to vote. Any additional feedback is most welcome as I am all ears......

[Cleo_Serapis]

Calling for more nominations please...

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

I also think Alan would be a worthy winner for January.  Here are another couple of examples:

A response to Fran’s story – The Reluctant Poet (Stonehenge)

http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=3234

Dear Fran,

I sort of fell in to this one, seeing the word "poem" in the title, only a little in did I see what you were up to !

All very valid viewpoints, even if you have changes some of them) perhaps several times, since.

Just one Q :

They refuse to stand alone and magnificent.  -- does not seem to be quite a sentence ? Is the word "sre" missing ?

Love
Alan





or in response to Late Mr Perfect You by Jox in  Hermia’s
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....hl=alan

Dear Jox,

Aha, THERE you are.

OK OK, not FV, so rythmical.

Coupla Qs :

Statistically you should be -- must be ?
the fittest man in the UK.
You drink water; little tea
and exercise every day. -- exercising every ... ?

You swim, you run, you box; -- to make 8 syls you could add - also you box ?
You enter every marathon.
Fit as a fiddle; strong as an ox; -- del 2nd "an" ?
body built like The Parthenon. -- smoother : your body's like the P ... ?

Anythin yet appeal to you ?

Love
Alan

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks Nina!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Any more nominations please? Today is the last day for JANUARY COM...  :guitar:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats to Alan for winning the designation COM for Jan 2005!

See our announcement in this forum...

http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....;t=3738

:)

[Guest_Jox_*]

Well done Alan.

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Congratulations Alan.  Your award is well deserved.

Nina

[Aggiel]

Congratulations . Alan. A well deserved award.

 :cheer:


Best

Aggiel

[Guest__*]

Dear All,

Thank you for your commnets.

I hope to continue to be a great a nuissance here as before ....

Love
Alan