A Uturne from my Manhattan Cell [ Revised 9/05 ], a nonsensonnet in iambic hexameter Options

[JustDaniel]

A Uturne from my Manhattan Cell


Since I avoid sharp objects, I did find it wise

to pass Absurdistan, U-turn at Canaan’s edge,

then, slogging through the places in between the sedge...

let all my secrets wallow there in buxom lies

that hiccup sweet and low when somehow I drift off...

with children royal-clad who seek a miracle

in Andes' heights... we yet must test empirical,

at twilight. Of the superheroes, who would scoff

at Batman, that US-born Afro-Chinese wimp,

who watered all his elephants at the last town?

Now, who on earth could be his Mommy? We go down

a rabbit hole behind some Brooklyn Follies imp

who says he’s still a Dodger fan, but roots for Jeter

wearing Devils skates.... We wake up at the theatre.

<sub>© MLee Dickens'son 02 Sept 2007
Revised 05 Sept 07 from Book Title Challenge #21

Original

Since I avoid sharp objects, I find it wise
to pass Absurdistan, turn at Canaan’s edge,
and slog the places in between the sedge...
let my secrets wallow there in beautiful lies
that hiccup sweet and low when I drift off...
with the emperor’s children for a miracle
in the Andes... but test it by the empirical,
at twilight. Of the superheroes, who’d scoff
when Batman, an American-born Chinese wimp,
gets water for elephants at the last town?
On earth, who could be his Mommy? We go down
a rabbit hole with the Brooklyn Follies imp
who says he’s still a Dodger fan, but roots for Jeter
wearing Devils skates... then we wake up at the theatre.</sub>

This post has been edited by JustDaniel: Sep 5 07, 10:59

[AMETHYST]

Wow Daniel,

If it hadn't been for the listing of Titles used I would have never of thought this was a challenge. What I did find exhausting was the lack of full end stops. It felt like a very long, rattling off sentence - but on second and third readings I slowed and stopped where it felt natural to my ear - so it wasn't too bad.

I am tired tonight, but will get to this from work tomorrow afternoon... I have some thoughts running in my head and I just couldn't read and go without saying this was enjoyable.

Best Wishes, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Wow Daniel,

If it hadn't been for the listing of Titles used I would have never of thought this was a challenge.

Thanks, Liz. In fact, I've just deleted the list from this posting so as not to prevent legit critique hindered by having to stick to those titles any longer now! I should have done that, but I was rushed when I posted this and hadn't yet posted to the Challenge itself, which I've now done.

What I did find exhausting was the lack of full end stops. It felt like a very long, rattling off sentence - but on second and third readings I slowed and stopped where it felt natural to my ear - so it wasn't too bad.

I'm glad at least that the later readings helped... but I kind of wanted the flavor of some nonsensical dream to show in the style... if I could pull that off. I'll have to do some more thinking on that with others' reactions.

I am tired tonight, but will get to this from work tomorrow afternoon... I have some thoughts running in my head and I just couldn't read and go without saying this was enjoyable.

Best Wishes, Liz

Thank you for your thoughtfulness. I will look forward to your suggestions!

deLighting in the exchange, Daniel

[heartsong7]

Hi Daniel...
This one took a couple of reads for me to get into, but when I did I realized... it's brilliant.
The very first line about avoiding sharp objects clues us in right off as to who we're dealing with.
Love "Absudistan" What an imagination you have!
I enjoyed the ride into this crazy dreamland.
Sue

[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel...
This one took a couple of reads for me to get into, but when I did I realized... it's brilliant.

I just now added a couple of transition words (since the meter is necessarily quite as loose as the dream-association that the poem attempts to portray), so I hope that might make it a bit easier on the first read. I'd previously added a little more punctuation after Liz's comments. And I'm not sure that 'brilliant' fits... but I'll wear the button proudly nonetheless!

The very first line about avoiding sharp objects clues us in right off as to who we're dealing with.

[ Do you mean that I might be certifiably 'crazy' ? ]

Love "Absurdistan" What an imagination you have!

Well, I can't take credit for this one. I've added the link to Pandora's, now that the Mods have posted it there for me, so you can see that this is the title of a book by Gary Shteyngart. I just took his imagination a bit further by imagining all these titles could fit into something sensible... and I had to settle for nonsensical... which a whole lot of my dreams are!

I enjoyed the ride into this crazy dreamland. ~ Sue

Actually, I enjoyed the ride myself... even though I fell onto the tracks a few times ( fortunately behind the ride and not in front of it! )

deLighting in our interaction, as always, Daniel

[heartsong7]

The very first line about avoiding sharp objects clues us in right off as to who we're dealing with.

[ Do you mean that I might be certifiably 'crazy' ? ]

You said that, not me.
Really though, when you speak of "avoiding sharp objects," you must know where that leads the reader right off the bat? lol
I didn't realize at first that this is concocted from a series of unrelated titles. If not brilliant, it's at least ingenious.
S

[JustDaniel]

Ok, then... I'll accept "ingenious"...

as occasionally a moment or two seems to creep into my unconscious and I'm off to the races for a crazy little while...

and then I settle down into the mundane.

deLighting to have gentle moments of interchange with sane folks like the Marm, Daniel

[Merlin]

Hi JD,

I travel in very small comfort zones, so am not familiar with the challenges - only rarely venture there. But first, let me add thanks for your replies to Jack & Jill, the duo-duets that I'll allow to settle. 2nd, I have a strong reaction to quotes inside quotes - I avoid 'em completely, am onside with Mary there - so hopefully I won't miss your retorts.

Now, to your sonnet. I don't know what you'll be required to keep in order not to lose those rules. My suggestion is to drop the two eyes of L1, restating something along these lines >>
Avoiding objects sharp and [this], it's wise

There Tis, from Canuckistan.

Merlin

[Guest_lizbaker_*]

Hi Daniel,
Since this is a "nonsensonnet" I assume you aren't following traditional parameters. The rhyme scheme and rhymes are very good but the meter leaves me wondering why you've wandered so far afield. I get the gist of it as relating a nonsensical dream. One can't be responsible for what takes place in dreams and can only go along for the ride. Nothing here I can even begin to suggest needs changing.
Quite a ride!
LB

[Mary Boren]

Daniel, I wish I could be more encouraging but this one doesn't appeal to me. Nothing wrong with nonsense, but light verse, more than any other genre, demands impeccable meter and precision timing. This seems more like what might come out if you threw a diary page into the blender with a reading list -- it's too lumpy and disconnected to hold my interest.

Sorry. For future reference, would you prefer I not comment if I can't be more positive?

Mary

[JustDaniel]

Hi, Liz B!

Thank you for your honesty. This was a 'bold' experiment to abandon some of the metrical structure I'm so prone to stick to and attempt an uneven meter, but I couldn't quite get the uneven flow to flow. But experiments are how one expands abilities... so I'll keep trying. Thank you so much for your visit. It's very helpful!

Greetings, Mary!

I'm afraid that your observations are quite right, and NO... please don't hesitate to share "negative" impressions with me. That's the purpose of our being on this board... to improve our work...

This is a failed experiment, methinks. But it was an enjoyable experience nonetheless. There were just too many metrical patterns in the pieces I tried to quilt together into a flowing tapestry. I'll have to find a wall in the attic to hang this one on.

deLighting in both your sharing, Daniel

[JustDaniel]

OOPS! Almost forgot ya, Eric!

Well, the challenges are way down the home page and most folks don't go there, but there are some, like John, who are there ever time one comes up... and Alan's a frequenter... just to name a couple. I like to go there from time to time just to see what might come out. This was a fun exercise, and I thought maybe I could make something further of it... but I'm not sure it works.

Regarding quotes inside quotes... I can understand. I try to make mine clear by utilizing either bold or color, and sometimes it's the only way I can keep track of what the person said. Maybe that's not necessary, but I'm keeping it in mind with you and Mary... at least for today (since my short term memory ain't so good any more)!

Your suggestion regarding S1 is helpful, so at least I can modify that to bring it a little more in line. Your pointing to it made me read it differently than I had... which is ALWAYS helpful.

deLighting in the process of revision, Daniel

[Michelle]

Hey Daniel. This nearly makes sense to me. (chuckle) But it feels like free verse to me and I think it would be more successful as such. Just my opinion though. For me this seems like a wormhole through the fabric of a dream.

my best,

Michelle

[JustDaniel]

Well, then...

I seem to have at least PARTIALLY fulfilled my original attempt to kind of make this FEEL like free verse while playing around with strictly using each of the titles in the challenge to make a nonsense dreamscape.

It didn't really work... and since I still don't know very well how to write free verse...

I just revised this by abandoning the strict use of the titles, allowing myself much more freedom to simply use the ideas that thay afforded my twisted mind... and 'transmute' this into a near-iambic hexameter... hopefully without putting a hex on it.

Lightly experimenting, Daniel