Relationship Breakdown, Loss Options

[greenwich]

Relationship Breakdown

Did you wake me
before the break of light
came streaming on the bannister?
The tired lamp has marked time.
We are often torn between the realities of
cynicism and stoicism
for differing situations.
Our relationship feels hapless
although presently we shake these off as nuances.
Yet you still remind me of my early edition,
when I bed notched.
I remind you of your Turkish lover
you commensurately paid off.

[Luce]

What happens when a relationship ends? What signals it? What images/moments pop up for you? Show us, don't tell us. You mainly tell us except for the end.

For example, I knew my relationship with my ex was ending when I ceased to think the way he ate his toast - cute. If anything he reminded me of a squirrel with mange and a receding hairline - nibbling dry bread.

I knew he was falling out of lust with me when he told me that my "eyes were too far apart". Huh????

And what the heck is "bed notching"?

[Psyche]

A bit late to crit now, but I'll be back.

You start off nicely, but then your poem sort of "lectures" the reader about relationships, starting at L5.

The last four lines are original, but please tell us about bed notching, OK?

I like "my early edition"...LOL.

But it doesn't flow well into the part about the Turkish lover. You have good material there, think about it.

Syl***

[Eisa]

You have some good lines here, Antony
I like

The tired lamp has marked time.

Yet you still remind me of my early edition,

but I find
We are often torn between the realities of
cynicism and stoicism
a bit telly

Eira

I get the bed notching line - perhaps it's a UK thing? LOL!

[Critter]

Relationship Breakdown

Did you wake me
before the break of light
came streaming on the bannister?
The tired lamp has marked time.
We are often torn between the realities of
cynicism and stoicism
for differing situations.
Our relationship feels hapless
although presently we shake these off as nuances.
Yet you still remind me of my early edition,
when I bed notched.
I remind you of your Turkish lover
you commensurately paid off.

Just one point/subject. One aspect of most poems is the end words of lines or line breaks. I guess one general guideline is that the end words should be 'strong' avoiding 'ings' and little words. You do a good job with that here except for 'of". I like this one.

[greenwich]

The poem is circular. The mans partner is restless in the morning and the answer is alluded to in her ex.
Meanwhile for the sake of criticism
What does too telly mean? Its maybe an American term but its not expansive enough.

[Critter]

"telly" is telling the reader rather than "showing" them. For example if you are writing about being sad about a breakup being telly would be "I am feeling broken today" while showing might be something like "I stare out the rain streaked window over half a cup of tea gone cold". Think of a movie where you just know something bad is going to happen even if no one tells you in plain words, like the innocent teenager who investigates the dark house...while a crow fidgets on the roof...

Of course it is not always simple. Sometimes you tell in order to show and sometimes vice versa, Symbolism also comes into play. That second order treatment is one thing that defines poetry but...the does breaking rules.

[greenwich]

Thanks Critter good points

[K.S. Lenk]

You do 'tell' too much in this.
The big words are on the verge of ridiculousness.