Elation, Rhyme without much meter Options

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Elation


Once ~
a date:
you were great
soul mate, gold plate,
up straight we'd relate
inflate heart rate - conjugate, procreate.

Then ~
begin to grate,
pontificate; no debate: dictate;
underrate my sedate, lightweight fate:
collate negativity innate.

Now ~
correlate:
lie in wait, recriminate:
eyes dilate -
certificate of mental state.

Update?
Clean slate.



Original

Once ~
a date:
you were great
soul mate, gold plate,
up straight we'd relate
inflate heart rate - conjugate, procreate.

Then ~
begin to grate,
pontificate; no debate: dictate;
underrate my sedate, lightweight fate:
a spate of negat-ivity innate.

Now ~
correlate:
lying in wait, recriminate:
certificate of mental state.

Update?
Clean slate

© Toumai, 2005 :yoda:


I was hunting for a rhyme for something and was (as a beginner) godsmacked by the number of 'ate' rhymes and their extremes of meaning. So this is just a bit of fun: please don't go to trouble with complex crits.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

I was hunting for a rhyme for something and was (as a beginner) godsmacked by the number of 'ate' rhymes and their extremes of meaning

This is a fascinating start point for a poem and something I have never considered.

I like the fast pace of the rhythm, almost like the sound of a train speeding along the track.

Then ~
begin to grate,
pontificate; no debate: dictate;
underrate my sedate, lightweight fate:
a spate of negat-ivity innate.
I feel you lose the rhythm a bit in L4 and 5 with the words fate and spate and I don't think you can get away with negat-ivity.

Now ~
correlate:
lying in wait, recriminate:...perhaps lie in wait
certificate of mental state.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

Thanks for the comments. Yes, 'lie' is better, and I'll drop my hyphen (nagativity was split across two lines as I wrote it first).

I didn't plan any rhythm, but I can see that the mere shape of the words has added some: serendipity. I shall have to think about improvements to aid that.

Fran

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Great, mate!

(I hope this doesn't qualify as a verse in a reply.)

[Arnfinn]

Hey ya know me, I'm not a complex critter.


This is great--mate
I didn't have to contemplate to rate your poem a floodgate of ate's

The inflate up to eight syllabels is first-rate.

Your poem coruscates with humour.

The poem is untrue of course!


I'll give you 8 out of 8. :pharoah2  :tut:  :wizard:


Arnie  :rofl:

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Fran: This has a rap-like chant that I find very pleasing, although I can't stand rap music. My suggestions to help maintain the rhythm (although I may be overstepping the mark by adding stuff - if so, just rap me over the knuckles):

Once ~
on a date:
you were great
soul mate, gold plate,
up straight we'd relate
inflate heart rate
conjugate, procreate.

Then ~
begin to grate,
pontificate;
no debate: dictate;
underrate my sedate,
lightweight turn of fate:
negativity innate.

Now ~
correlate:
lie in wait, recriminate:
watch your eyes dilate,
certificate of mental state.

Update?
clean slate
...at any rate.


Perry

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran,

Apart from being 100% in agreement with Nina, I have no other negative crits.

This is a very clever use of "ate" endings. As the most famous is probably "hate," I imagine that set you off as a basis. Yet the word itself isn't mentioned: very clever and subtle.

I can see you've written a poem for technique (ten to twenty mins is amazing) - but, though you may not realise it, it is one which could be hung up in many places for inspiration.

Your keeping the rhyme scheme going is almost amusing - though the words don't allow us to be amused.

Very well done. Now, what is the next word group you will seize on?

All the best, J.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Perry,

This has a rap-like chant that I find very pleasing, although I can't stand rap music.

LOL
This is silent rap cos you read it not hear it?

My suggestions to help maintain the rhythm (although I may be overstepping the mark by adding stuff - if so, just rap me over the knuckles):

ROFL
Thanks, mate - the help is great (I assume I'm allowed - or aloud - to reply in rhyme in my own thread?   ) I really like those suggestions on the rhythm and meaning. As I admitted, I was just playing around with something else, noticed the plethora of 'ate' rhymes and detected a bad-tempered narator (hm ... not me, of course) within. Have to say, in case anyone worries, that my husband helped me do the jigsaw to put this together.

Thanks,

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hiya Arnie

Thanks for dropping by

Hey ya know me, I'm not a complex critter.

Pull the other one

This is great--mate
I didn't have to contemplate to rate your poem a floodgate of ate's

The inflate up to eight syllabels is first-rate.

Your poem coruscates with humour.

Thank you very much

The poem is untrue of course!

It certainly is - maybe remembering back to my teens, perhaps  


I'll give you 8 out of 8.    

Thanks, mate  

Fran

[Guest_Zeus˛_*]

Hi Fran

These are fun to do.

Can't wait for you to orate on who is next on your plate.

Great short story.

Larry

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,

Apart from being 100% in agreement with Nina, I have no other negative crits.

Thanks. Has the revsion improved it a little? I decided in the end quite deliberately not to flow the rhythm neatly as I prefer it to be slightly jarring.

This is a very clever use of "ate" endings. As the most famous is probably "hate," I imagine that set you off as a basis. Yet the word itself isn't mentioned: very clever and subtle.

Erm ... I did write this rather quickly

But I'll go with your interpretation - of course it's deliberate

I can see you've written a poem for technique (ten to twenty mins is amazing) - but, though you may not realise it, it is one which could be hung up in many places for inspiration.

Yep, and when the roll of paper runs out ...  

Your keeping the rhyme scheme going is almost amusing - though the words don't allow us to be amused.

Thank you. I think poetry allows us to look at scenarios in a different ways.

Very well done. Now, what is the next word group you will seize on?

I don't think many other rhyme groups have quite that range of emotional words or sheer volume.

Thanks, James

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Larry,

These are fun to do.

Yes, I rather enjoyed the jigsaw for this one

Can't wait for you to orate on who is next on your plate.

 Thanks, I shall have to wait for inspiration again

Great short story.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, thanks.

Fran

[jgdittier]

Dear Toumai,
A moment of inspiration, innovation and ingenuity!Nicely done! Cheers,    jgd

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

I don't think many other rhyme groups have quite that range of emotional words or sheer volume.

your next mission should you wish to accept it.....how about words ending in ise or tion, plenty of enterprise possible there  :lol:

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Jgd,

Thanks for your generous appreciation and kind words.


Hi Nina,

Yes, another big possibility - thanks  :cheer:

... so much for finishing a novel (exit stage left, muttering and dribbling)  :block:


Fran

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I enjoyed this poem although I've never seen so much rhyme
in one place!  LOL  IMO, you did "great" job!

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cathy,

Oh dear, I ran out of steam with this and it has also slid away without me replying to your kind comment! Please accept my apology (that's in two forums now, isn't it - oh rats!: I'd better check the others  Shock )

I suppose I could say
Thank's - your crits are great; I highly rate your thoughtful insight, so accept apologies for this belated spate of late waits.

Love,

Fran  :turtle:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Can one tempt FATE Fran?

Not I - this sings as is!

Well done!

~Cleo

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Lori,

I completely missed your reply here - apologies!

Glad you enjoyed it.  :pharoah2

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran, Lori,

Can one tempt fate?

What an excellent question!

It is an everyday saying "mustn't tempt fate" etc - we all say it but philosophically you must be right, Lori. Of course, if one sees fate not as the inevitable but as a persona then s/he may, indeed be tempted.

Jolly interesting point.

J.