Your Look Options

[Orion]

When you notice
my earrings or necklace-
or stare at details of my diamond,

I know that look is mine.

When you move your fingers
gently through my long strands
watching for no pulling...

that look is mine.

When you move the newspaper
to stop your reading,
eyes viewing me as I walk by...

that look is mine.

When you stare at me intently,
just like on our wedding day
with rivers of desire...

that look is mine.

When you watch SportsCenter
and your favorite game is on,
I can forget it-

you'll look at me later!

©jtl

[Guest__*]

Dear Orion

What a wise woman you are !

When you notice --del
my earrings or necklace;
when you stare at -- del
details of my diamond,

I know that your look is mine.

When you move your fingers
through my long strands, -- wouldn't hair be simpler ?
you see * you’re being gentle -- del that
and not pulling…

that look is mine.

When you move the newspaper -- no comma
to stop * reading, -- del
viewing me as*I walk by, -- as smoother ?
eyes following me where I go… -- your eyes following me ... - briefer ?

that look is mine.

When you stare at me intently, -- comma
as you did on our wedding day -- just like on our wedding day ? I think might be more precisely what you mean ?
with rivers of desire, -- singular ! As they say, he only wants one thing LOL
like no one else in the world matters, -- del "in the world" I'm not sure

that look is mine.

When you are watching SportsCenter - when you watch
and your favorite game is on, - or you fav ... ?
I can forget it-    -- I know what you are trying to say, but in the context this is odd. Perhaps "I might as well not be here", or "I know my place" ?

you will look at me later!  -- I think I'd make it "you'll" for beat

I think you are very wise to allow your man this once-a-week feeling of being off the leash, keeps him closer all the rest of the week !

As always, with my offerings, look, or cook !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Jox_*]

Orino, Hi.

This is about the third poem I've visited today where Alan has already offered an excellent crit. I agree with most of his comments.

I like the programme title ("Sportscentre") in bold - it grabs one's attention - which is obviously the point of the poem!

I can see that "I can forget it" is an accepted American phrase, However, in this context it might mean "forget the tv programme" so I think some revision might be useful. The only problem is that "I can forget it" is a very punchy phrase which makes an excellent impact at the end. I wonder, therefore, if you could keep that phrase and slightly change the words above it to explain better...

You don't actually need the reference to the game because it is obvious from the programme's title. (And I have never heard of that particular programme!)thus:

Something like...

When you watch SportsCenter
but I desire your attention:
I can forget it-

Just a thought. Excellent offering; thank you.

James.

[AMETHYST]

Hello Orion,

Hmmmm I think you've got an excellent foundation for this and I see you've gotten some rather worthy offerings, I hope I might be able to help as well.

Best wishes, Liz

Please take what you like and discard the rest!

When you notice
my earrings or necklace-
or stare at details of my diamond,

I thought too much was mentioned here, I feel that the look is one of inimate, yet filled with adoration. I would have liked a being that was a bit less focused on the exterior, such as
When you notice
the glimmer of my diamonds,
you study the detailed
curve of my cheek
and reflection in my eyes.

I know that look is mine.

When you move your fingers
gently through my long strands
watching for no pulling...

There is movement in stanza 2, but no reference to his look.
Perhaps,

When you gently run
your fingers through my hair,
I notice your glance
falls on my shoulders...

that look is mine.
I also was goingto suggest, instead of "that look is mine" maybe "That look is for me" ... So at the final stanza, "that look is your own" might pull out the concept of the poem

When you move the newspaper
to stop your reading,
eyes viewing me as I walk by...

Perhaps, omitting eyes viewing, and just "watching me walk by"

that look is mine.

When you stare at me intently,
just like on our wedding day
with rivers of desire...

A bit of tweaking here...
When you stare at me
intently, like on our wedding day,
with raging rivers of desire...

that look is mine.

When you watch SportsCenter
and your favorite game is on,
I can forget it-

I didn't get the "I can forget it-" It loses the comparison of the first stanzas. Perhaps,
When you watch your favorite game
on SportsCenter,
you never my way.

Which would also give a play on the "that look is for me"/ "You never look my way" ... referring to both the direction of his attention and the desire found in the look..

anyway... good luck with this, I enjoyed the read!

Hugs, Liz

you'll look at me later!

[Orion]

Dear James,

Thank you for your offerings concerning shaping this one into another shape!  :cool:  LOL~I do appreciate what you've discussed. Some of the phrases I've used are most likely regionally-accepted language. If you are unaware of the program itself, this poem's meaning will have less impact on your understanding. The ending is supposed to reflect a flippant attitude...in a humorous way.

It's definitely not a serious verse.
Best to you,

Janet

[Orion]

Ooops, Alan,
Hello to you!

I've used most of your recommendations for revising.
Many thanks.

Janet

[Orion]

Hello, Liz,

Thank you for your time here and for your suggestions.
I will be reviewing some ideas here and there for possible remakes of a few parts. I do appreciate your time.

Best to you,
Jan