cliché ~ the cat's meow [Revision 2, 09 July 07], rhyming couplets in IT quatrains Options

[JustDaniel]

^{Revision #2 ~ 7/09/07}

cliché ~ the cat's meow

cliché is when what came to be
a ray of light, half-blinded thee
by stabbing ‘neath thy shadowed lid;
soon thou couldst grasp a tail once hid...

With 'Cat's Pajamas' on thy tongue
thou'd spread it forth with joy among
compatriots, who’d shout it too.
Alack, thy phrase took wing and flew...

across the seas of time until
t'was slobbered daily in the swill
of pubs and bars and on the street
where even urchins would repeat

its flick’ring light, near no one sees...
for grey has brought it to its knees
to crawl among the vermin now,
avoided like the cat’s meow.

© MLee Dickens'son 23 May 2007

Revision #1

Cliché is when what used to be
a ray of light half-blinded thee
by stabbing ‘neath thy shadowed lid...
'til thou couldst grasp what flash had hid...

couldst barely then hold back thy tongue
from speaking it aloud among
compatriots, who’d shout it too.
Alack, thy phrase took wing and flew…

across the seas of time until
t'was slobbered daily in the swill
of pubs and bars and on the street
where even urchins would repeat

its flick’ring light, near no one sees…
for grey has brought it to its knees
to crawl among the vermin now
avoided like the cat’s meow.

Original:

cliché ~ the cat's meow

cliché is when what used to be
a ray of light, near-blinded thee
by stabbing through thy shadowed lid
‘til thou couldst see what had been hid

and thou couldst barely hold thy tongue
from speaking it aloud among
compatriots, who shared it too
alas the phrase took wing and flew

across the seas of time until
t'was slobbered daily in the swill
of pubs and bars and on the street
where even urchins would repeat

its flick’ring light that no one sees
for darkness brought it to its knees
to crawl among the vermin now

[Guest_Cathy_*]

That's what it be alright! LOL The use of 'old-world' terminology kinda gives you the idea that cliches have been around for a verrrry long time! (Which of course they have...)

It's not often I see you use all lower case letters and very little punctuation, and that's the only suggestion I have is for a couple of pauses.

cliché is when what used to be
a ray of light, near-blinded thee
by stabbing through thy shadowed lid
‘til thou couldst see what had been hid

and thou couldst barely hold thy tongue
from speaking it aloud among
compatriots, who shared it too < Some kind of punctuation here?
alas the phrase took wing and flew < LOL I like this line and the imagery it creates!

across the seas of time until
t'was slobbered daily in the swill
of pubs and bars and on the street
where even urchins would repeat

its flick’ring light that no one sees
for darkness brought it to its knees
to crawl among the vermin now < Maybe a comma after 'vermin'?
avoided like the cat’s meow

Otherwise no nits from me!

Cat

[AMETHYST]

Hi Daniel,

I think there is alot of worth in this poem. I especially liked the choice of cliche' phrases you choose ... The Cat's Meow" very nice, because it is one of those overly used, cliche phrases that, in my opinion, still offers its weight in meaning and I find nothing wrong with using it or hearing it in the right context. I also found your way of showing this was witty and creative.

However, the poem itself seems to me to be a very, very long, run on sentence. This doesn't work for me. I did wonder if you had some alternative reason for this and couldn't connect one to the whole of the poem. Perhaps I am missing it.

Some further thoughts and suggestions to follow. Please use what is right for you and the poem, while discarding what isn't away ...

Best Wishes, And Happy 4th of July!

Liz

cliché ~ the cat's meow

cliché is when what used to be
a ray of light, near-blinded thee
by stabbing through thy shadowed lid
‘til thou couldst see what had been hid

I found thou/couldst to be disruptive to my reading. The first 2 lines are spoken in smooth and natural voice, and even L3, with the exception of thy, which is fine to my ear, but L4 just seems harsh and out of place. IMO, I don't think that the old world archaic language is needed to emphasize the understanding of cliche', to me it takes away from the seed of the poem.

I also was wondering about L3 and how a phrase could stab through lids, and what is shadowing them? ... I was hoping to hear something on the lines of truth and profound the cliche's might have been to shed light. An example:

Cliché is when what used to be
a ray of light, near-blinded thee,
with truth and wisdom, pellucid
thoughts help to see what had been hid.

Of course this is a very weak suggestion, but making use of a headless Iamb in L3, and using limpid/lucid/pellucid you can create a stronger follow up to your intent from L1/L2.


and thou couldst barely hold thy tongue
from speaking it aloud among
compatriots, who shared it too
alas the phrase took wing and flew

Again, the archaic language takes away the strength in the meaning. Or maybe opening it with
"When thou could'st barely hold thy tongue
from speaking it aloud among
compatriots who shared it too.
Alas the phrase took wing and flew ...

Love that L4 also.


across the seas of time until
t'was slobbered daily in the swill
of pubs and bars and on the street
where even urchins would repeat

I would give a full end stop after repeat. And start the next stanza with a capital. I really enjoyed the alliteration here, just the right touch ... just the right amount, word combos like seas/slobbered/swill softly blend into each other.



its flick’ring light that no one sees
for darkness brought it to its knees
to crawl among the vermin now
avoided like the cat’s meow

Again, I suggest beginning L1 with a Cap.
It's flick'ring light that no one sees
as darkness brought it to it's knees.
It crawls among the vermin now
avoided like the Cat's Meow.



© MLee Dickens'son 23 May 2007

Hope something helps.

[jgdittier]

Dear Daniel,
I actually was first to respond to this but alas my over-sensitive mouse erased it and I let fate have its way.
I praised it for the ploys you used, each I assumed was to illustrate now-rejected, once- accepted techniques parallel that of cliches. I was considering the technique quite ingenious.
Although I prefer capitalization, punctuation as well as I can master it, other yore ploys, I thought the deviations were prudent uses of PL.
I suppose my responses were predictable. I often forget how far removed from the modern style I am.
Caste my review as highly favorable due to subtle humor.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[JustDaniel]

Sheesh!!!

I'm a bit discouraged. I'd just completed a bit of research into Macbeth for a quote, pasted it into a response to all three of you and gave my preliminary inclination re a revision... and then accidentally hit the back button in effect, while attempting to 'copy' the word 'cliché' with the accent, above! and my 15-minute reply is gone....

But I'll be back. As the words of my daughter DoriAn have been ringing in my ear lately: "It's all good." Let me say at this point that Ron is onto what my intentions were... and I was trying to get away with no punctuation or capitalization to kind of give this a modern flare... or is that a bit cliché?

I deeply appreciate the close scrutiny that each of you has given so far, and it's inciting me to rumination... "Would that thou couldst" help me undo the deed... but alas my hands are red. May you not create a red spot on your carpet trying vainly to help me clean it up...

but responses will come soon enough. Thanking all three of you sincerely, Daniel

[Judi]

Hi Daniel...

I love this...and I guess the only thing I would say is to add punctuation but it's not
really going to change the way it reads...this is so true...and I still will use some if the mood hits me...(God Help anyone who uses the word SOUL in a poem...whewwwweeeeee...LOL. Judi

[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel...

I love this...and I guess the only thing I would say is to add punctuation but it's not really going to change the way it reads...this is so true...

Thank you, Judi... and I've done some of that... and I hope I've not over-done it. I think you posted your comment before my revisioin appeared, so this may be a little out of sync... and I haven't yet replied directly to the others... though the revision keeps their comments in mind.... I went to sleep with my laptop on my lap... so I'd better get to bed!

and I still will use some if the mood hits me...(God Help anyone who uses the word SOUL in a poem...whewwwweeeeee...LOL. Judi

Well, unless it really sticks out, I won't blame ya, Judi. Sometimes it's the soul reason for writing a poem!

sLightly bleary-eyed, Daniel

[JustDaniel]

That's what it be alright! LOL The use of 'old-world' terminology kinda gives you the idea that cliches have been around for a verrrry long time! (Which of course they have...)

It's not often I see you use all lower case letters and very little punctuation, and that's the only suggestion I have is for a couple of pauses.

Thanks, Cat... I really kinda wanted to leave it that way, but the stumbles that might be there because of my use of archaic language may necessitate something like what I've offered in the first revision. Whatcha think?

and thou couldst barely hold thy tongue
from speaking it aloud among
compatriots, who shared it too < Some kind of punctuation here?
alas the phrase took wing and flew < LOL I like this line and the imagery it creates!

...its flick’ring light that no one sees
for darkness brought it to its knees
to crawl among the vermin now < Maybe a comma after 'vermin'?
avoided like the cat’s meow

Otherwise no nits from me! ~ Cat

Again, thanks, my friend. Please let me know whether you think the revision so far addresses your concerns without damaging (and maybe expanding) the imagery.

deLighting to share, Daniel

[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel,

I think there is alot of worth in this poem. I especially liked the choice of cliche' phrases you choose ... "The Cat's Meow" very nice, because it is one of those overly used, cliche phrases that, in my opinion, still offers its weight in meaning and I find nothing wrong with using it or hearing it in the right context. I also found your way of showing this was witty and creative.

Thank you. That means a great deal.

However, the poem itself seems to me to be a very, very long, run on sentence. This doesn't work for me. I did wonder if you had some alternative reason for this and couldn't connect one to the whole of the poem. Perhaps I am missing it.

Well, I tried! Some experiments just don't work. But if ya don't try 'em ya never know!

Some further thoughts and suggestions to follow. Please use what is right for you and the poem, while discarding what isn't away ...

Best Wishes, And Happy 4th of July! ~ Liz Thanks! ... and it was a great day!

I found thou/couldst to be disruptive to my reading. The first 2 lines are spoken in smooth and natural voice, and even L3, with the exception of thy, which is fine to my ear, but L4 just seems harsh and out of place. IMO, I don't think that the old world archaic language is needed to emphasize the understanding of cliche', to me it takes away from the seed of the poem.

Hmmm... Well, I'm trying to use it as a vehicle to take the reader from one end of a phrase's use to the other. I've revised the language, and perhaps even expanded it to smooth it some. In my view if one uses "thy" s/he needs to use the words that go with it. I would that thou couldst understand!

I also was wondering about L3 and how a phrase could stab through lids, and what is shadowing them? ... I was hoping to hear something on the lines of truth and profound the cliche's might have been to shed light. An example:

Cliché is when what used to be
a ray of light, near-blinded thee,
with truth and wisdom, pellucid
thoughts help to see what had been hid.

Of course this is a very weak suggestion, but making use of a headless Iamb in L3, and using limpid/lucid/pellucid you can create a stronger follow up to your intent from L1/L2.

That is a good suggestion and a vital perspective, but it doesn't go in the direction I'm trying to move here. Please let me know whether my first revision addresses your concern of this stanza, will you?

and thou couldst barely hold thy tongue
from speaking it aloud among
compatriots, who shared it too
alas the phrase took wing and flew

Again, the archaic language takes away the strength in the meaning. Or maybe opening it with
"When thou could'st barely hold thy tongue
from speaking it aloud among
compatriots who shared it too.
Alas the phrase took wing and flew ...

Love that L4 also.

Thank you... and note that I've revised the language, carrying the subject over from the previous stanza to eliminate one of the "thou"s. ^{Do note, by the way, that canst, couldst, etc. don't have an apostrophe.} I've also made the compatriots more active in the revision.

across the seas of time until
t'was slobbered daily in the swill
of pubs and bars and on the street
where even urchins would repeat

I would give a full end stop after repeat. And start the next stanza with a capital. I really enjoyed the alliteration here, just the right touch ... just the right amount, word combos like seas/slobbered/swill softly blend into each other.

Thank you for the observations and appreciation. The full stop, however, would leave the opening of the next stanza as an incomplete sentence... and I wanted this to demonstrate a kind of panorama of the decline of the richness of the phrase over time.

its flick’ring light that no one sees
for darkness brought it to its knees
to crawl among the vermin now
avoided like the cat’s meow

Again, I suggest beginning L1 with a Cap:
It's flick'ring light that no one sees
as darkness brought it to it's knees.
It crawls among the vermin now
avoided like the Cat's Meow.

Hope something helps.

Well, I hope that your looking over the revision lets you know that I did greatly appreciate your help!

deLightingly, Daniel

[JustDaniel]

Dear Daniel,
I actually was first to respond to this but alas my over-sensitive mouse erased it and I let fate have its way.

Boy, can I identify with that. I've had several of those disasters happen this week. But I'm learning to respond as my daughter DoriAn says intermittently: "It's all good!" That's helped me frequently of late!

I praised it for the ploys you used, each I assumed was to illustrate now-rejected, once-accepted techniques parallel that of cliches. I was considering the technique quite ingenious.

Thanks, Ron. You percieved exactly what I'm attempting... still!

Although I prefer capitalization, punctuation as well as I can master it, other yore ploys, I thought the deviations were prudent uses of PL.

Well, my licence may be suspended for this one! But thanks for your support, Schroeder!

I suppose my responses were predictable. I often forget how far removed from the modern style I am.
Caste my review as highly favorable due to subtle humor.
Cheers, Ron jgd

I'm not sure your responses are every predictable... except that they are always thoughtful, precise, and gentlemanly... and always appreciated my this guy!

deLighting in the exchange, Daniel

[Mary Boren]

Clever, Daniel. S3 is a howl. My only beef (other than the lack of punctuation) is that the poem seems to suggest that archaism and cliché belong in the same bag. Why not use cliché to illustrate your point?

Have you tried hitting your forward button to recover those lost ready2posts?

Mary

[JustDaniel]

Clever, Daniel. S3 is a howl. My only beef (other than the lack of punctuation) is that the poem seems to suggest that archaism and cliché belong in the same bag.

Thank you so much, Mary. I'm pleased with S3 myself. I'm sorry that you have a beef with the punctuation, but I'd be glad to know the particulars of your nits, especially since I'd added considerable punctuation and capitalization in Revision 1.... and I can certainly see what you're feeling that the poem seems to be suggesting, and I'm trying to avoid that. I'm definitely not finished nurturing this piece. What I'd tried to do is to walk a (non-revealed) statement of some kind through its history, starting back somewhere in ancient times when we spoke with thee's and thou's; at least that's what I've attempted.

Why not use cliché to illustrate your point?

I'm definitely considering modifying something to accomplish just that; you offer an excellent suggestion. I'll have to play with the first couple of stanzas to accomplish that, I suspect. Let me shuffle in public here; please let me know what you think, or what you might offer:

Cliché is when what came to be
a ray of light, half-blinded thee
by stabbing ‘neath thy shadowed lid;
soon thou couldst grasp a tail once hid...

With 'Cat's Pajamas' on thy tongue
thou spreadedst it with joy among
compatriots, who’d shout it too.
Alack, thy phrase took wing and flew...

Have you tried hitting your forward button to recover those lost ready2posts? ~ Mary

Actually, I did EXACTLY THAT just now, to quote a portion of the original to work with it here... and lost everything that I'd written to that point! It just comes back to a blank page or to whatever was the original quote (like, in this place, your response). I had to start from scratch again.

Thank you SO much for your input. I'll look forward to any further insights or suggestions.

deLighting in the process, Daniel

[JustDaniel]

Having received no further comment upon suggestions thus far, I offer my 2nd Revision... with thanks to each of the above!

bumping Lightly, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Hi Daniel,

I like the changes, especially the punctuation and I noticed that although they are used sparingly it salvages your intent while enhancing the read for the reader. Now the only comment I was wondering about is .. S2L4, did you mean alack or alas ...

Anyway... Nicely done.

Best Regards, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel, I like the changes, especially the punctuation and I noticed that although they are used sparingly it salvages your intent while enhancing the read for the reader.

Thanks, Liz. That's an encouraging relief.

Now the only comment I was wondering about is .. S2L4, did you mean alack or alas ...

It's one of the changes that I made to include, along with 'Cat's Pajamas' another 'passé cliché' (formerly used frequently following 'alas'... which has also (in this case, thankfully) bit the dust.

Anyway... Nicely done. Best Regards, Liz

Thank you for your help in the process of re-moulding this one, my friend.

deLighting in the kneading, Daniel

[Mary Boren]

I like the revision very much, Daniel. Sorry for not returning to it sooner -- our wireless connection is iffy at best. With luck, I'll be back later tonight for a long catch-up session.

Mary

[JustDaniel]

Thank you very much, Mary...

and I hope you see that your challenging me greatly influenced this revision, and I'm exceedingly grateful for it!

Hope your connectivity issues are resolved. I had some myself this morning, and it took me about an hour that I didn't have to resolve them. I was going to do some painting outside with that hour before I go to work [ a late night there today ], but I couldn't get to it... such is life. 'It's all good.'

deLighting in the interchange, Daniel