Hollowed Ground (final revision, w/thanks), Wizard Award ~ Speechless at the Grand Canyon Options

[Mary Boren]

. .




Hollowed Ground

Along an eon-charted course
the river flows relentlessly
to carve a way through massive rock.
Its steady passage humbles me.

From rim to rim, these depths are but
a speck beneath the firmament
and I, beside them, apperceive
my smallness to its full extent.

For no appraiser stands prepared
to grasp the fathomless. Time wrought
a canyon; its Creator's mind
encompasses perfected thought.

I search my vocal repertoire,
superlatives exhausted. Now,
from parted lips that drip with awe
escapes a feeble, whispered, "Wow."

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1st revised version
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Along an eon-charted course
the river flows relentlessly
to carve a way through massive rock.
Its steady passage humbles me.

For no appraiser stands prepared
to grasp the fathomless. Time wrought
the canyon; its Creator's mind
encompasses perfected thought.

From rim to rim, these depths are but
a speck beneath the firmament
and I, beside them, apperceive
my smallness to its full extent.

I search my vocal repertoire,
superlatives exhausted now,
as from two lips that drip with awe
escapes a feeble, whispered, "Wow."


---------------
original version
---------------

In the absence of anything new to post, I'm digging up bones again. This one came to mind in after a recent discussion about my stinginess with a certain word often heard in poetry circles. I wrote the poem long before learning of poetic devices, and would appreciate any and all opinions on its workshopworthiness and/or nudges in the right direction with it. Thanks in advance. -M.


A million years upon its course
the river flowed relentlessly;
unquestioning, unwavering ...
a lesson in humility.

How vain to think I stand prepared
to view the wonders heaven wrought.
This canyon in the making lies
beyond the grasp of finite thought.

Though stretched from rim to rim, it's but
a speck beneath the firmament
Here, gazing on its depths, I feel
my smallness to its full extent.

I search my vocal repertoire,
superlatives exhausted now,
as from two lips that drip with awe
escapes a feeble whispered, "Wow."

[heartsong7]

Hi Mary...
re:

This one came to mind in after a recent discussion about my stinginess with a certain word often heard in poetry circles.

I assume the word to which you refer is "awe" or "awesome"? I'm not gonna be much help in that area, I'm afraid, being often found guilty of expressing my awe over anything and everything that so impresses me.... I reckon I'm more of a teller than a shower when it comes to my own work.
In this case, you have done a wonderful job of presenting the imagery that shows why you were awed and why all you could say was "wow"
All to say it works for me, for what that's worth. (wink)
Really, I find this beautifully presented, but will return later with my critter glasses on, (if I can find them) and see if I can find any nits.

Seeya,
Sue

[Merlin]

Diving in with both foots,

Q1 - in L2, why the hook in river's? I don't see a possessive. No semi at the end here,
L3 could have the semi in place of ems, but not required.

V2L2 could have a capital Heaven.
V2L3 could have a comma after "making," so as not to have it making lies.

V3L3 doesn't need a capital Here.

V4L1 could have a semi.
V4L2 comma is a toss up.
V4L3 "drip with" isn't my best image, but don't have a suggestion at the moment.

I'm still looking for "verdant" and can't see it.

Best

Merlin

[Mary Boren]

Thanks, Sue. Nah, the word is wow. I surprised myself by using it here recently. I'm sure you'll find some nits if you return, which I hope you will do. It feels unfinished to me.

Thanks, Merlin. I've used some of the punctuation changes you suggest. The skyhook after river was not intended to show possession, I was contracting "has." But you're right, it wasn't needed. I don't capitalize heaven. Neither does the bible. I don't capitalize bible either. Ha! Let me see where I can slip in some verdancy.

-M.

[heartsong7]

I'm back. Dinner's done and everyone's watching a movie that I don't care to see, so thought I'd spend some time nit-picking.

Hollowed Ground

A million years upon its course
It's really more than 6 million years (or 6000 if your a Creationist).
I wonder about not being specific and just saying "eons"

the river's flowed relentlessly;
I think you have a typo with "river's"
consider present tense since it still flows.
something like:
Through countless eons, carving rock,
the river flows relentessly;

unquestioning, unwavering ...
a lesson in humility.
Here, I imagine some will have a problem with the personification of the river-- as if it could question or waver or know anything about humility. Speaking just for me, I'd say that poetry allows that license.

How vain to think I stand prepared
seems heavy... maybe something like: None comprehend, none come prepared
to view the wonders heaven wrought --
I'm not sure about 'wonders heaven wrought'... God or nature, maybe but not heaven.

this canyon in the making lies
Would you consider not using 'wonder'?
Go with something more specific like:
"to view this canyon nature ( or God has) wrought--
such power in its making lies

beyond the grasp of finite thought.

Though stretched from rim to rim, it's but
a speck beneath the firmament,
consider "thread" rather than "speck"

Here gazing on its depths, I feel
my smallness to its full extent.
I find this profound. "to feel my smallness to its full extent"


I search my vocal repertoire,
superlatives exhausted now,
as from two lips that drip with awe
escapes a feeble whispered, "Wow."

These lines sum up the idea of speechless awe in a very real way.
I've felt that in several places I've visited...the Grand Canyon and Crater Lake especially.

Hope I have offered something helpful.
Take care.
sue

[AMETHYST]

Hi Mary ...

I've seen Brooklyn and various small parts of places in NY, I've been to a few places in New Jersey, inside houses visiting mostly, I've seen Broward County in Florida, and Disney - There has been afew memorable sunrises, sunsets and majestic moments, but I've never seen something so majestic as the Grand Canyon, or other sights that leave most people speechless, so I depend upon the talents of others to bring these experiences to me. In my years of reading, there have been quite a few poems that left me with nothing else to say but 'wow' - many on online forums, many of your own and others we are acquainted with.

Your poem "Hollowed Ground" brings that surge of wonder back to me, remembering those 'wow' moments and how every emotion surges up into me and millions of thoughts cluster together but only one words sums them up and can find its way to slip through my lips ... wow -

Before reading the poem, I spent a good while looking at the accompanied photo - and if the photo can capture my complete spirit, leaving me sitting with that feeling, I cannot imagine what it would be like to feel the breath of air on my skin, to see it and experience it right before me. Your poem does well to express that feeling of awe.

I've printed it out and will return in the morning (off to bed) and hopefully will have something more helpful to say, besides I wish I wrote this.

My love and hugs, Liz ...

Truly you write with a golden pen ... (or that keyboard is laced in gold) LOL

[Mary Boren]

Thanks, Sue, that's just the fine comb treatment I was hoping for. It takes a different set of eyes to zoom in on weak spots, and yours are sharp. Good suggestions, all, and I'll definitely be using them. Might take me a while, but I'm starting to get some ideas.

Liz, your responses to me and others often leave me speechless, and now you've gone and made me cry. What a gift you are to the world, as you share and encourage so freely from the bounty of your beautiful heart. From the bottom of mine, I thank you. That's an adorable new photo. Now there's a "Wow" for ya. But how can Lauren be such a big little girl when she was just born yesterday?

Mary

[Mary Boren]

Revision posted.

[heartsong7]

Hi Mary...
Fast work and improved overall, I think.

Along its eon-charted course
the river flows relentlessly
to carve its way through massive rock.
Its steady passage humbles me.
I esp like the new L1 and the way you introduce yourself in L4... and that you dropped the personification of the river.

For no appraiser stands prepared
to grasp the fathomless. Time wrought
the canyon, but its Maker's mind
encompasses perfected Thought.
I like this:
"For no appraiser stands prepared
to grasp the fathomless."
but
I think the idea that "Time wrought the canyon" isn't working. It's more like 'erosion wrought' over time.
I like the inclusion of "Maker" but don't quite follow the concept that its "Maker's mind encompasses perfected thought"
All together maybe a little too esoteric?

From rim to rim, these depths are but
a speck beneath the firmament
and I, beside them, apperceive
my smallness to its full extent.
I like what you did with this stanza and esp admire the use of "apperceive"

I search my vocal repertoire,
superlatives exhausted now,
as from two lips that drip with awe
escapes a feeble, whispered, "Wow."
this is still my favorite stanza.

[heartsong7]

A quick thought re: S2 that I'm sure you can improve on if it makes sense and you like it.

What wrought
this canyon? In the Maker's mind,
its majesty is but a thought.

[Mary Boren]

Thanks again, Sue.

...Time wrought
the canyon, but its Maker's mind
encompasses perfected Thought.

Hmm, your suggested fix would fit into the poem nicely, but it's not exactly what I'm trying to say. I'm using perfected in the sense of complete. In other words, it's not that God sees the Big Picture; He is the Big Picture, and this canyon, vast though it be, is nothing more than a random thought born of His infinite imagination. So is Time, for that matter. And I'm not thinking only of the Christian god -- He (It, The Mystery, Whatever) is bigger than any name we can devise. Does that put things in perspective? It might come across better if I say "encompasses the whole of Thought," but I don't much like that, so may have to ditch the wrought/thought pair altogether. You've got me thinking, and I appreciate it.

Mary

[AMETHYST]

Liz, your responses to me and others often leave me speechless, and now you've gone and made me cry. What a gift you are to the world, as you share and encourage so freely from the bounty of your beautiful heart. From the bottom of mine, I thank you. That's an adorable new photo. Now there's a "Wow" for ya. But how can Lauren be such a big little girl when she was just born yesterday?

Mary

Oh Mary, and now you've gone and made me cry! thank you - it is a happy cry filled with such overwhelming joy to know my sincerity and love comes through! Yes, Lauren is certainly my little wow - To my heart she is surely the 8th wonder of the world ... hmmmm... wasn't it just yesterday she was born? ... Haha... how quickly they grow ...

I see the improvements have been made, so I will focus my thoughts on the revision, although I hadn't really seen much to quibble about in the original -

The revision, especially the use of 'eon-charted' in the first line is wonderful. Smooth a more detailed for imagery and meaning. Nice choice. Some further comments to follow -

With the height of admiration, Big Hugs, Liz ...



Hollowed Ground
Strong Title.

Along its eon-charted course
the river flows relentlessly
to carve its way through massive rock.
Its steady passage humbles me.


As I mentioned, the change in L1 is quite powerful. L3/L4, what powerful meaning it gives. I can feel the shift in the narrators mood, as he/she begins to notice the profound markings of the rivers consistent pulse against the rock and how it creates its own passage - L4, with such little words captures that mood and how swift it over takes the narrator. Excellent opening stanza.


For no appraiser stands prepared
to grasp the fathomless. Time wrought
the canyon, but its Maker's mind
encompasses perfected Thought.


That state of mind that the view has placed the narrator in is carried smoothly into S2, I love the use of fathomless. I also wanted to compliment the inclusion of message, 'although time has caused these shifts and curves it is by the plan of the creator and His perfection in all things. As I read this, it reveals that the view reveals the deepest truth that something so majestic must have been designed by something greater than we can conceive.

From rim to rim, these depths are but
a speck beneath the firmament
and I, beside them, apperceive
my smallness to its full extent.

I wanted to suggest 'from brim to rim' but that just reminded me of a coffee cup! LOL ... I love the inner rhymes and how words like depths and speck bounce off of each other. A new word! A new word, and a very, very wonderful word that I had never heard before-'apperceive' I cannot believe how perfect in meaning it is to the intent of the poem. Thank you -

I search my vocal repertoire,
superlatives exhausted now,
as from two lips that drip with awe
escapes a feeble, whispered, "Wow."

Such creative end rhymes, I applaud "repertoire/awe'
The only nit I have is "drip...' Although I like its sound quality, I am less taken by its meaning. I kept wanting to read something like spread, or "as from two lips that spread in awe ...

Again it is a very minor nit - and does not take away from the splender of the poem.

[Mary Boren]

Thank you again, Liz, for the thorough read and understand. S2 still needs work. The repertoire/awe pairing was purely coincidental, as this is an abcb pattern. I didn't even see it until you mentioned it -- nothing gets by you, girl. I'll give drip some thought, since you're the second to not like it, but I'm pretty reluctant to let it go. That's what it did, it dripped.

Would you please delete my oops (double-posting) above?

Mary

[AMETHYST]

Double post, deleted!


Ah you see that is where you are wrong... everything gets by me, I am embarrassed to say I hadn't noticed the rhyme scheme. It just so easily flows from my tongue that I really hadn't grasp a rhyme scheme at all - the reason that end rhyme stood out to me, was I was reconsidering what felt off with L3, realizing it was the word drip.

I do see what you mean with the use of drip - I have felt that way before, as things sort of get into a slow motion, and responses and actions might feel like a slowed drip. As mentioned, it isn't a rough spot, just a thought. Otherwise, as the view, the poem is perfection!


Big Hugs, Liz ...

[Peterpan]

Hello Nada Lott~ (love this name!)

I have visited many places in Africa, Europe and America. I have not seen the GC (and I hope to one day) but, I understand the spiritual experience you had. I must admit there have been many times in my life that I have felt small, yet very close to heaven!

You have written a wonderful poem in its magnificence. I loved your imagery and your words. I have made a few comments:

Hollowed Ground

Along its eon-charted course
the river flows relentlessly – wonderful movement and intention here
to carve its way through massive rock.
Its steady passage humbles me.

For no appraiser stands prepared – like the ‘appraiser’ link with ‘apperceive’ in the next stanza
to grasp the fathomless. Time wrought
the canyon, but its Maker's mind
encompasses perfected Thought.

From rim to rim, these depths are but
a speck beneath the firmament
and I, beside them, apperceive
my smallness to its full extent. – wonderful contrast ‘smallness/full extent’

I search my vocal repertoire,
superlatives exhausted now,
as from two lips that drip with awe
escapes a feeble, whispered, "Wow." – to start the stanza with ‘vocal repertoire’ and end with ‘wow’, I think, could be a let down to your magnificent intentions for the poem, on the other hand it could actually show just how ‘human’ you really are!

Thank you for posting this poem. I really enjoyed reading it and feeling and seeing what you saw!

Chat soon.

PP

[Mary Boren]

Thanks, Bev -- I'm glad to know you're here, and that you enjoyed the poem. Come on out from behind the curtains and let us see some of your work, OK?

to start the stanza with ‘vocal repertoire’ and end with ‘wow’, I think, could be a let down to your magnificent intentions for the poem,

I must be missing something obvious, but I'm not following this statement. Could you elaborate?

Mary

[Peterpan]

Thanks, Bev -- I'm glad to know you're here, and that you enjoyed the poem. Come on out from behind the curtains and let us see some of your work, OK?

to start the stanza with ‘vocal repertoire’ and end with ‘wow’, I think, could be a let down to your magnificent intentions for the poem,

I must be missing something obvious, but I'm not following this statement. Could you elaborate?

Mary

Hi Mary!

Sorry I was not clear. I will try again.

In the 4th Stanza you start with proper language, sophisticated language, you spoke of the grandeur of the GC and then you are lost for superlatives. What I am suggesting is that the 'wow' is not in keeping with the proper language formerly written in the other stanzas. I think it is a bit of a let down after the reverence which you had, and illustrated for the GC. (But, having said that your 'wow' brings us back to 'earth' so to speak and reminds us that we are mere mortals!) The contrast of the WOW and the other words and language used in the rest of the poem are in my opinion too different. (As you can see I have two opinions.) You are the poet and you were there, you have the ultimate say.

Hope this helps!

Thanks for replying.

PP

[Judi]

Hollowed Ground

Along its eon-charted course
the river flows relentlessly
to carve its way through massive rock.
Its steady passage humbles me.

For no appraiser stands prepared ... This is not a complete sentence
to grasp the fathomless. Time wrought
the canyon, but its Maker's mind
encompasses perfected Thought.

From rim to rim, these depths are but
a speck beneath the firmament
and I, beside them, apperceive
my smallness to its full extent. (maybe comprehend instead of apperceive

I search my vocal repertoire,
superlatives exhausted now,
as from two lips that drip with awe how about open in awe..
escapes a feeble, whispered, "Wow."

I was also amazed at the size of the Grand Canyon, and how it just goes on and on...I saw it enroute to Nevada from an airplane and what a beautiful sight it was...Here are just a few ideas to use of lose..you know the drill....Judi

[Mary Boren]

Thanks for coming back to explain, Bev.

I think it is a bit of a let down after the reverence which you had, and illustrated for the GC. (But, having said that your 'wow' brings us back to 'earth' so to speak and reminds us that we are mere mortals!)

I see where you're coming from now -- both directions -- and the latter is exactly what I intended. When someone with an adequate vocabulary has to resort to a lame "wow," it's the equivalent of being at a complete loss for words ...er, speechless. Hence the subtitle.

Thanks for reading, Judy. Before responding to what you wrote, I have a suggestion/request for you. It would be very helpful if you would quote only the pertinent lines or discussion snippet, and we dang sure don't need the photo twice. If you don't know how to cut 'n' paste, I'm sure one of the mods would be glad to give you some personal coaching. In fact, I'm going to ask one of them to delete the extraneous material in this thread if that's okay.

Now, as for your suggestions to me ...

For no appraiser stands prepared

This is not a complete sentence ...

No, but this is: For no appraiser stands prepared to grasp the fathomless. (The adjective is used as a noun here.)

and I, beside them, apperceive

maybe comprehend instead of apperceive

Why? When alternate wording is recommended without any input as to what it is about my own that's not working for that person, I don't know how to take it.

Thanks again. I'm still mulling over S2.

Mary

[Peterpan]

Hello Mary (Still Love the Nada Lott)

Thanks for coming back so soon. Glad you understand! Emails are not always easy, ideas can be confused or misinterpreted! Sorry I was vague. But, yes, you are the poet and you were the observer and your point/ending is interesting!

Well done on the poem.

Look forward to some more adventures in America!

PP