REVISION

Not You…!

Train is a bullet
aimed at the heart
rail brakes shrieks
smell of rain and disaster-
my perceptions askew.

A misshapen body
spotlighted by frosted
gyrating green lights

firetrucks ambulances
police cars
men shouting orders-
a stretcher?
My notion of time fluctuates.

Recapturing white beaches
nomads’ caves and bonfires
Sharm-el-Sheik
miracle of sundown on Red Sea
hands interlocked.

God, don’t let it be you.

Life broke up tonight
lurching sightless
through drenched thoughts
this didn’t happen
I picture you snorkelling
brilliant underwater creatures
translucent coral bays
…freedom.

Awareness returns-
rain spatters windshields
momentously
vexed drivers smoke
waiting at level-crossing
headlamps sharpen
chaotic roadscape.

Uniforms raise a soiled white sheet
and I scream into the fog:

Not you…!


Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia, 2016.
All Rights reserved as a published work.




ORIGINAL


Not You…!

Train is a bullet
aimed at the heart
railway shrieks skids
smell of rain and disaster-
my world is far-off.

A misshapen body
featured by frosted
gyrating green lights
ambulances police.

Recapture white beaches
nomads’ caves and bonfires
Sharm-el-Sheik
miracle of sundown on Red Sea
hands interlocked.

God, don’t let it be you.

Life broke up tonight
lurching sightless
through drenched thoughts
this didn’t happen
I picture you snorkelling
brilliant underwater creatures
translucent coral bays
…freedom.

Rain spatters windshields
momentously
vexed drivers smoke
waiting at level-crossing
headlamps sharpen
chaotic roadscape.

Somebody raises a soiled white sheet
and I scream into the fog:

Not you…!


Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia, 2016.
All Rights reserved as a published work.

Hi Syl,

Your muse is working well at the moment and your latest poems are all very imaginative and original. I'm really enjoying reading them.

This is full of emotional drama - a dreaded moment! Comments below.


Not You…!

Train is a bullet
aimed at the heart
railway shrieks skids
smell of rain and disaster-
my world is far-off.

I love the way this starts - first 2 lines are stunning
L3 shrieks skids is a bit of a tongue twister - for me anyway. Perhaps a comma between might help

A misshapen body
featured by frosted
gyrating green lights
ambulances police.

Recapture white beaches
nomads’ caves and bonfires
Sharm-el-Sheik
miracle of sundown on Red Sea
hands interlocked.

God, don’t let it be you.

I can sense the emotion here - something everyone dreads!

Life broke up tonight
lurching sightless
through drenched thoughts
this didn’t happen
I picture you snorkelling
brilliant underwater creatures
translucent coral bays
…freedom.

Rain spatters windshields
momentously
vexed drivers smoke
waiting at level-crossing
headlamps sharpen
chaotic roadscape.

You have measured the tension for the reader very well

Somebody raises a soiled white sheet
and I scream into the fog:

Dreaded moment - Oh Syl!

Not you…!


What a relief! Even so, a shocking moment to recover from!

I've really enjoyed reading this (if enjoyed is the right word) There is little or nothing to nit. All I would comment on is lack of punctuation - quite fashionable today, but does leave some places more difficult to follow.

Hugs
Eira

The style seems fast. It reminds me of a poet that wants to aim for impact, as per opening lines "Train is a bullet
aimed at the heart". I find the poem fragmentary as if the series of action became so urgent, but its cleverness is the realised theme, of disasters in motion. Well done

Not crazy about this one Syl. It seems to be all over the place. It doesn't seem to unfold well, at least not for me.

I'm not liking the opening lines. It's a little too melodramatic for me and unfortunately sets the tone for that degree of high drama.

Luce

Hi Eisa,
Thanks for your encouraging comments. Hope my muse keeps musing...LOL.

Hi Antony,
Thanks for your words. I did, indeed, use this style (without punctuation) as well as the fragmented series of thoughts, memories and actions, to show 'disaster in motion', as you put it so well. It just came out this way. You've understood the scenario.
Tx a lot.
Syl

Yep, it's all over the place, as you say. My intention is to show a truly dramatic scenario, a real one.
Where thoughts and actions are not guided by rationality. In this sort of ghastly event, some people (in real life) are indeed melodramatic, as viewed by others not connected with the victim(s).
Therein the bored, vexed drivers, smoking while they wait for the barriers to lift.
Level crossings are few nowadays in cities, thankfully. Out on the Argentine pampas and some provinces, they still exist.
Tx for your input, all the same, Luce.
Syl

I was aware of what you were going for Syl, but IMO it didn't work. The story did not unfold well but you're assuming I meant logically, not at all. I know you were going back and forth but it just wasn't a smooth transition, IMO. Perhaps using a refrain to tie the events together would be better to slowly build up the tension. I can see using "No, not you!" as a refrain.

Not You…!

You're already giving away the store. Something a little more subtle like "The train to (mention the city/place...").

Train is a bullet
aimed at the heart
railway shrieks skids
smell of rain and disaster-
my world is far-off.

I'm not a big fan of missing articles and punctuation. It can be viewed as very gimmicky. However, in this case, the reader does stop/pause naturally for each line the way it is written in this stanza.

Opening lines a little "over the top" I'm afraid. Don't quite buy the train as a bullet to the heart. It definitely can be seen as a bullet, especially if it's silver colored. Perhaps concentrating on the speed and power of it can convey that foreboding of impending tragedy.

A misshapen body
featured by frosted
gyrating green lights
ambulances police.

I think you can be more descriptive than saying "misshapen and featured" for the body. BTW, where is the body? Is it on the tracks, on the side of the road?

I'm assuming you were trying to employ altys in the stanza with "f'" (featured/frosted) and "g" (gyrating/ green) but it resulted in bland wordage for the death. It could be tighter with stronger wording like...

"A mangled body stark
against the frosted lights
dragged along the track."

You need a comma between ambulances and police.

Recapture white beaches
nomads’ caves and bonfires
Sharm-el-Sheik
miracle of sundown on Red Sea
hands interlocked.

I realize the N is going back, happier memories with the subject. But, the transition is too abrupt.

God, don’t let it be you.

Too abrupt a turn. You need a transitional phrase.

Life broke up tonight
lurching sightless
through drenched thoughts
this didn’t happen
I picture you snorkelling
brilliant underwater creatures
translucent coral bays
…freedom.

I like the going back in memory, into denial already. But since the N doesn't even placed herself at the scene yet, it's hard for me to feel anything except to gather facts.

Rain spatters windshields
momentously
vexed drivers smoke
waiting at level-crossing
headlamps sharpen
chaotic roadscape.

Show how the drivers are vexed don't just tell us. Are they looking at their watches? Are they honking their car horns? Smoking their cigarettes doesn't necessarily indicate impatience. It could infer resignation at the delay for whatever reason.

I think you mean headlights not headlamps. Headlights are for cars. Headlamps are the lights you strap around your head.

Somebody raises a soiled white sheet
and I scream into the fog:

Not you…!

I like the ending but I would make it more stark. Give the reader a clearer reason why the N is screaming. A bloodied sheet gives the clue that something horrible is underneath the sheet. I'd also indicate the person who is lifting the sheet. For example:

"A policeman raises a bloodied sheet
and I scream into the fog."

You can interpret the ending line two ways. "Not you!" can mean the victim is not a loved one. "Not you!" can mean it is a loved one. If this was my poem I'd leave it open for interpretation. Either ending fits the poem.

Luce

TOT

Eisa - You're not alone in your interpretation of the last line. I also thought that the N was screaming in relief that it wasn't a loved one.

Clearly that has to be changed if that wasn't the poet's intent. However, the poet can also let it be interpreted in more than one way (as you mentioned above). In this case, either ending fits.

As far as punctuation goes, this method works if the lines are constructed well. If the lines are done that it naturally makes the reader pause or stop where the poet wants the reader to pause or stop, then the method works for the poem and not against it.

Luce

[quote name='Eisa' date='Mar 17 16, 22:12 ' post='142906']
[quote name='Psyche' post='142878' date='Mar 16 16, 06:24 ']Not you…!


What a relief! Even so, a shocking moment to recover from!

Oh, dear, Eisa...I think my ending must be confusing. The accident is real, not a relief at all. The "Not you...!" is supposed to be in a shrieking voice, a voice in total denial, of disbelief. Will have to check that. Tx.


I did realise the accident was real, Syl, but thought the 'not you' meant it was not the narrator's loved one, but someone else's (still enough for a very emotional scream)- but this could be read either way and I think I'm the only one to read it that way. It is regarded by some to have duality of thought.

Thanks a lot, Eisa. Now I understand. I'll think about whether I want it to have a duality of meaning. When I get down to doing my revision I hope I'll have decided.


I've really enjoyed reading this (if enjoyed is the right word) There is little or nothing to nit. All I would comment on is lack of punctuation - quite fashionable today, but does leave some places more difficult to follow.

Not enjoyable content...no. Still, lack of punctuation has been around for a long time, sometimes it suits one's purpose. I don't think it's a new fashion.
Tx so much for your comments, they make me reflect and mull over changes.
Hugs, Syl


I feel it is 'fashionable' for some to write every piece without punctuation. You on the other hand have used it to for a purpose. I accept that. I know we sometimes insist that punctuation is used here, but times change and I feel it is good to experiment sometimes.

Yes, you're quite right. I have a poet friend who absolutely never uses punctuation. And I like most of his work. But in my case, as you say, I used it for a purpose. I only write a few in this style.
Tx for clearing that point up!
Hugs, Syl

Not much to do to this one imo.

Hugs
Eira


Hugs
Eira

Thanks a lot, Luce, for your crits.

It's my bedtime now, so I'll return soon. I've read all your suggestions.

Only time to say that 'headlamps' and 'headlights' are synonyms as far as cars are concerned.

Of course workers such as miners use 'headlamps'. My daughter uses them when she treks up into the mountains.

Syl

Still, headlights are more commonly used for cars only. It's more precise.

Do what you will Syl. You usually do. Oh! No need to come back to explain. I don't need an explanation.

It's TOT.

It's sufficient that you thanked me for the crit and saw the suggestions.


Luce

Thank you, Eisa, Antony, Luce, for your various suggestions.

I've made a revision. Hope it's better now. I don't always follow suggestions entirely, but they certainly inspire me to make my own changes. I think that's often the point of these forums, to push the author into thinking hard!

Syl

Good start. Reads a tab better. You may want to change this line though in the next round:

rails brakes shrieks to rail brakes shriek. Rail describes the type of brake.

Luce

Thank you, Luce. Will change to rail.
Syl