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ASYLUM, Wizard and Faery Award Winner |
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Guest_Nina_*
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Jan 26 05, 15:25
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Guest
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Hi Fran
Your poem captures exactly the thoughts that were my mind yesterday - how refugees are treated very badly in this country, worse than criminals. My colleague and I were doing a booktalk at a school and one of the books she brought along was Ruby Tanya by Robert Swindells which is all about the treatment and attitudes of asylum seekers.
My only query on your poem is:
tower blocks condemned refugee with graffiti.
I am not sure too what you mean here and I need a bit of clarification please. Do you mean the tower blocks are condemned or that the graffiti scrawled on the tower blocks condemns the refugees. If it is the later then I think it would make more sense as:
tower blocks condemn refugee with grafitti.
Nina
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Guest_Toumai_*
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Jan 26 05, 16:56
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Hi Nina,
I was indeed thinking that for some refugees it must feel like going from one hell to another.
tower blocks condemned refugee with graffiti.
I think I was trying to wring as many possibilities out of this as I could, and you have grasped my intent very well: the tower blocks are condemmed, or they have condemmed the refugee to misery and persecution, or your other suggestion that it is the grafiti which condems. All are valid. But, yes, the wording would be better changed for the third meaning. Hmm ...
Many thanks, Fran
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Guest_JohnK_*
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Jan 26 05, 17:47
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Fran, I love it. Stark and spare, it conveys the horror of the subject unequivocally.
I wish I could think of something to suggest, but I can't. Thank you.
Good night,
John
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Jan 27 05, 08:28
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hello Fran,
This is a very moving and emotive piece. I have noted the query on the word condemned and your answer that the word is all-embracing.
Decay bleeds through cheap white emulsion. Rat-infested tower blocks condemned refugee with graffiti. Swastikas prelude madness.
May I make a tentative suggestion? Perhaps a little re-organisation of the lines. Please ignore if you choose to.
Condemned, rat infested tower blocks. Decay bleeds through cheap white emulsion. damning refugees with graffiti.
Swastikas prelude madness.
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Jan 28 05, 13:28
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,875
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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QUOTE(Toumai @ Jan. 26 2005, 15:52) ASYLUM
Decay bleeds through cheap white emulsion. Rat-infested tower blocks condemned refugee with graffiti. Swastikas prelude madness.
© Toumai, 2005 Hi Fran ! This is excellent. You have used a few, well-chosen words to paint a picture of alienation, marginality, racism.
Decay bleeds through cheap white emulsion.
I'm especially impressed with your use of the word "bleeds" in this context. The sadness implicit in these contrasts in the context of your description... the red and the white that could, under other circumstances, be something bright and cheerful, like flowers or plummaged birds, but here convey the idea of dismal, despairing existences behind those cracking, cheap walls.
I like Grace's rearrangement too, but either way your poem reads very well, to my ears. The inclusion of the swastikas reminds me of Nina's poem on Auschwitz and the sad fact that that horrendous insignia still survives in pockets of hatred, often composed of young people. How can that be?
The asylum issue is so terribly complex. I believe the ideal way to deal with it would be to resolve the problems in the countries of origin, but then we have people like Bush making things even worse by trying to impose "democracy" by force, as if the end justified the means.
I liken these issues to the riddle of the sphynx, in Oedipus. The paradox is that by resolving the riddle of existence, nothing good happened to poor old Oedipus.... so where does that leave us? :ghostface:
Your poem has moved me to think about a lot of things !! Thank you for that, best, Psyche
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Guest_Toumai_*
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Jan 29 05, 02:58
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Guest
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I cannot decide how any 'final version' will be, so now there are two posted and at some time in the future (if this gets used for anything) I will have to toss a coin I suppose. The line break separating the last sentance is very effective (thanks, Grace) so both versions now have that.
Many thanks, everyone. Fran
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Guest_Jox_*
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Jan 29 05, 03:32
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Guest
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Mornin' Fran,
Version One has my vote.
It is a much more powerful (and original) start.
Packs a real UMPH!
Cheerio,
James.
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Guest_Toumai_*
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Jan 29 05, 03:41
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Guest
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Thanks, James.
You have been a great help - as always. :angel:
(Gosh, no other votes, please, or I'll have to set up some of Cleo's wonderful little voting buttons and then run away and hide :jester: )
Many thanks and best wishes to all, Fran
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Jan 30 05, 07:34
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 847
Joined: 14-November 03
From: Ireland
Member No.: 41
Real Name: Lucie
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hello Fran
I love this..in just a few words, you've relayed a really powerful message and shown us a very stark scene which unfortunately, is very real for a lot of people. I love the title as well..full of irony really.
Swastikas prelude madness. This is great..I see it as a warning really, and as indeed is the case with the whole scene you describe, history can repeat itself so easily.
Great work
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Lucie "What could have made her peaceful with a mind That nobleness made simple as a fire, With beauty like a tightened bow, a kind That is not natural in an age like this, Being high and solitary and most stern? Why, what could she have done, being what she is? Was there another Troy for her to burn?" WB Yeats "No Second Troy" MM Award Winner
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Feb 13 05, 12:31
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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HI Fran. :sauron:
A powerful piece is so few words...
I have a question on your word choice of 'blocks'. I do not understand this one? Do you mean blocks as in hides? If so, then I feel you need to answer the question as to what does the tower block? If it is a contunuing thought to the condemned refugees then I would eliminate the endstop there....
Condemned rat infested tower blocks.
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Jox_*
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Feb 13 05, 15:58
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Guest
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Hi Fran, Lori.
Lori...
Tower blocks are tall blocks of flats. I think in the USA they may be called "Apartment Blocks" or "skyscrapers". They were erected in great numbers in the 1960s and many turned into slums very quickly. They are being demolished whenever possible - though many remain. They might be (say) fourteen to twenty stories high and rectangular-shaped. Many were used simply as cheap state-provided housing for poorer people under a mass housing policy which has been discredited.
James.
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Guest_Toumai_*
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Feb 15 05, 10:44
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Guest
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Hi James, Thanks for explaining that so clearly.
Hi Lori, I hope that makes a bit more sense with the double meaning elucidated.
Fran
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Feb 15 05, 11:16
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Oh yes!
Thank you both.
I think this one should receive a Faery Award....
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_jayjay_*
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Feb 16 05, 04:20
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Guest
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Hi, Fran. This is a powerful little poem whichever version you choose.
'Swastikas prelude madness' is a terse, taut and concentrated idea in three words- brilliant.
I think we could be writing on this subject for quite a while.
A little tower of compassion in troubled times.
JJ
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