|
|
|
Division ***, Free Verse |
|
|
|
Dec 12 15, 04:54
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 399
Joined: 11-April 13
From: Australia - The great Southern Land
Member No.: 5,178
Real Name: Maureen Clifford
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:arnfinn
|
OK here is the rewrite taking on board some of the suggestions made - DIVISION - Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet
Sleeping through the night a thing of the past - flares of light in the sky deadly dangerous and incoming.
Eerie in the moonlight the standing stones echoing to the sound of children's laughter, all that remains of buildings inhabited just a short time ago. now just remnants of a ruined civilization in a world gone mad.
Red dirt roads are minutely examined by dogs of war on long leads. Canine noses able to distinguish the undetonated mines in these now deadly and dangerous crossings.
No trains run . Empty carriages of Al Hejaz abandoned, antique steam engines wrecked and burnt. At Qadam, two hundred and fifty million dollars outlayed on brand new carriages now destroyed means nothing to Jihadists who believe Isis needs donkeys and camels to be closer to Allah.
They are strangers to us. Their ancient mindset not of these times. Their journey - one that only they believe in, incomprehensible to the modern world.
Their state rejects peace, hungers for genocide, is incapable of change and wants to be the main player in the end of the world. Their paradise awaits.
The houris deny them. if their earthly life was relinquished to a Peshmergette. The Hadith it seems never promised seventy two houris, after death as a martyr nor did the Quran.
Jannah might lose its appeal were the truth made very clear. And perhaps once again the sound of children's laughter could be heard across the sands of this ancient land.
DIVISION - Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet
Sleeping through the night a thing of the past - the diamonds in the sky deadly dangerous and incoming.
Eerie in the moonlight the standing stones echoing to the sound to children's laughter, all that remains of buildings inhabited just a short time ago. now just remnants of a ruined civilization in a world gone mad.
Red dirt roads are minutely examined by dogs of war on long leads. Their sense of smell able to distinguish the undetonated mines in these now deadly and dangerous crossings.
No trains run . Empty carriages of Al Hejaz abandoned, antique steam engines wrecked and burnt. At Qadam, two hundred and fifty million dollars outlayed on brand new carriages now destroyed means nothing to Jihadists who believe Isis needs donkeys and camels to be closer to Allah.
They are strangers amongst us with a mindset from times long gone travelling a dark journey that only they believe in.
Their state rejects peace, hungers for genocide, is incapable of change and wants to be the main player in the end of the world.
A fire in the hole to make their hiding places as hot as hell could be considered a satisfactory ending for all concerned.
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 13 15, 01:00
|
Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,882
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
|
Impressive, Maureen. Sad. Stressful. And true.
I don't like to get into political discussions, especially in the realm of poetry.
I'll add some information, which I learnt long ago. In Ancient Persia there were at least three official religions, one of which was Zoroastroism, believed to be founded by the great wise man Zoroaster, in Babylon, about 600 years BC. (it was really much older, but too long to explain). This religion posited three things: "good thoughts, good words and good actions". And Zoroaster preached against the sacrifice of lambs at the altars, or any other animals, which was a common practice.
Fast forward to 6th.Century A.C. Mahommet, who was a business man and wealthy, had an epiphany whereby Allah told him that Islam would be the only true religion on earth. Mahommet was or had been a soldier, so he quickly mustered together a great army and pursued the peaceful zoroastrians as infidels. They had to convert, die or go into exile.
Zoroastrians escaped to an area in northern India, where they settled down and led a peaceful existence to this very day. Many famous people are zoroastrians. My idol, the great Freddie Mercury, was brought up in Peshawar, India, and was a zoroastrian...His funeral followed that tradition.
What I'm trying to say is that a religion founded by a military business man does not seem to have solid groundings. All this occurred in what is now known as Iran, Iraq, Syria and surrounding areas. No blame is being layed on the good people who live there. And of course there are many reasons for the radicalization that has cropped up in recent years.
I'll come back, Maureen, to have another read. Too late now! Syl***
······· ·······
Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 15 15, 16:22
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 97
Joined: 31-October 15
Member No.: 5,279
Real Name: J.S. MacLean (Joe)
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eisa
|
QUOTE (Maureen @ Dec 12 15, 02:54 ) DIVISION - Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet Hello Maureen. I like the use of the formatting here, it works for me. Just a few comments... Sleeping through the night a thing of the past - good intro the diamonds in the sky this expression may be overused deadly dangerous and incoming. I like this
Eerie in the moonlight the standing stones echoing to the sound to children's laughter, nice, "of" instead of "to"? all that remains of buildings inhabited just a short time ago. now just remnants of a ruined civilization should "now" be placed somewhere else, capitalized, or something...the grammar seems off to me? in a world gone mad. this is almost cliché, another word for "mad" would add. Just a thought, perhaps "viral' would work...perhaps cliché itself but this would be a different usage, not an internet thing but closer to the original connotation of something bad...
Red dirt roads are minutely examined by dogs of war on long leads. very good line Their sense of smell you could shorten this to "noses" able to distinguish the undetonated mines in these now deadly and dangerous crossings.
No trains run . Really like the 'shift' here Empty carriages of Al Hejaz abandoned, antique steam engines wrecked and burnt. At Qadam, two hundred and fifty million dollars outlayed on brand new carriages now destroyed means nothing to Jihadists who believe Isis needs donkeys and camels to be closer to Allah.
They are strangers amongst us with a mindset from times long gone travelling a dark journey that only they believe in. I would try to condense these lines. Perhaps a single word to replace 'dark' and 'that only they believe in". The second line also tells a lot. Just my opinion but something along the lines of 'strangers with an ancient mindset march a mephitic path'
Their state rejects peace, hungers for genocide, is incapable of change and wants to be the main player in the end of the world. This could be described as 'telly' or preachy.
A fire in the hole to make their hiding places as hot as hell could be considered a satisfactory ending for all concerned. Again, make this short and sweet...well maybe not sweet. This is an excellent subject IMO but I think a poem has to be more 'show' than 'tell'. It gets a bit preachy and argumentative perhaps. Use strong words that take the reader to dark places. For example in the last strophe, instead of suggesting an end or punishment just 'show' the hole or the pain...let the reader read in the rest. With subjects like this, the less direct you are the better in my opinion. This does not mean that your message cannot be strong. Much better to have the reader form their own thoughts from what they are shown. Just my two cents.
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Feb 6 16, 19:00
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 399
Joined: 11-April 13
From: Australia - The great Southern Land
Member No.: 5,178
Real Name: Maureen Clifford
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:arnfinn
|
I'd forgotten about this one - thank you everyone for your considered responses which are much appreciated - I am about to go and rewrite this now taking them all onboard.
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Feb 7 16, 12:49
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 250
Joined: 1-November 15
Member No.: 5,282
Real Name: richard chase
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Rhapsody
|
Maureen, this is an incisive examination of how things stand in the confusion of vengeance and retaliation. Perfectly valid point that Jihadists are living in the ancient past, whose beliefs have no relevance to us other than victimization. Well written and timely, R
|
|
|
|
|
Feb 7 16, 23:58
|
Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,882
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
|
Hi Maureen, I've been away, so I just saw your revision. It seems great to me. And timely, as terrorism and western bombing seem never-ending. So tragic...the children...the babes yet to be born...youngsters. I just spotted one or two nits, nothing much at all.
DIVISION - Maureen Clifford © The #ScribblyBark Poet
Sleeping through the night a thing of the past - flares of light in the sky deadly dangerous and incoming.
I like your opening S.
Eerie in the moonlight the standing stones echoing to the sound of children's laughter, all that remains of buildings inhabited just a short time ago. now just remnants of a ruined civilization<<<<<perhaps you could remove 'just', as you've used it in L5, so close.
in a world gone mad.
I love the above S, except that I feel L3 should read 'echoed to the sounds....' The echoes were in the past. Maybe an observer could remember those echoes, but they wouldn't be real any more. Just sayin'...ToT
Red dirt roads are minutely examined by dogs of war <<<<<<<'dogs of war' really refers to human mercenaries, over the centuries. I believe Shakespeare used that expression. There's also a novel by Frederick Forsyth with that title. And a song album, forget by whom. They're called 'war dogs'...the poor animals have short lives because they're exposed to electric shocks, the sound of mines exploding, etc. Their nerves are totally rattled. After the Vietnam war they were euthanised. Awful. ToT! on long leads.<<<<<leashes?
Canine noses able to distinguish the undetonated mines in these now deadly and dangerous crossings.
Wonderful S. You've painted an awesome picture of the aftermaths of battles. Ouch.
No trains run . Empty carriages of Al Hejaz abandoned, antique steam engines wrecked and burnt. At Qadam, two hundred and fifty million dollars outlayed on brand new carriages now destroyed means nothing to Jihadists who believe Isis needs donkeys and camels to be closer to Allah.
Not to mention the museums, statues, ancient buildings...all gone.
They are strangers to us. Their ancient mindset not of these times. Their journey - one that only they believe in, incomprehensible to the modern world.
Their state rejects peace, hungers for genocide, is incapable of change and wants to be the main player in the end of the world. Their paradise awaits.
The houris deny them. if their earthly life <<<<You need a Cap at the beginning of this line (after previous period)
was relinquished to a Peshmergette. The Hadith it seems never promised seventy two houris, after death as a martyr nor did the Quran.
All righteous people, especially if they do good deeds in life, are promised 'a compatible companion' in a garden paradise. Not necessarily martyrs. Males might get a couple of houris, but females of sound repute also meet up with a companion in afterlife. There are various interpretations. Islam 'fixed' the problem of old women by saying that they would be reborn as young virgins in paradise, therefore attractive to males. Complicated...hmmm.... Jihad is mentioned 42 times in the Quran, but can be an 'inner struggle' or a 'holy war' against infidels. Scholars differ on this. Fanatics evidently don't..
Jannah might lose its appeal were the truth made very clear. And perhaps once again the sound of children's laughter could be heard across the sands of this ancient land.
Your poem ends with a hopeful tone. I wish islamic people would stand up and make activist manifestations all over the world. Are they afraid? Lots to think about, thanks for sharing, Maureen. ToT all I've said. Hugs, Syl***
······· ·······
Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Mar 20 16, 20:39
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 399
Joined: 11-April 13
From: Australia - The great Southern Land
Member No.: 5,178
Real Name: Maureen Clifford
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:arnfinn
|
Thank you Syl for your careful and considered response - I will try to address the issues raised.
How are things going with you? I do hope you are back in a happy place.
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Read our FLYERS - click below
Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning
your writings. ENJOY!
|
|
|
|