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Extinguished, 10 Word Challenge - Revised 3/8/11 |
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Aug 18 10, 06:28
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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Revised 3/8/11EXTINGUISHED
Dawn’s azure skies fade after a merciless raid. Hub’s stately structure no longer a firm fixture.
Masked from reality by radical depravity, ruthless people dock morality’s clock.
Wrapped in scarves of black, they dispersed their attack; scowls on each grim head, fuel a sense of dread.
Darkness draws daylight, into a landscape of blight. Eternity’s sparkle abates, as freedom deflates.
[center]EXTINGUISHED
Dawn's azure skies fade after a merciless raid. Hub's stately structure no longer a firm fixture.
Masked from reality by a radical depravity, ruthless people dock morality's time clock.
Wearing scarves of black, they expend the attack; scowls on each grim head, fuel a sense of dread.
Darkness pulls daylight, into a landscape of blight. Eternity's sparkle abates, as freedom deflates. Words used (in order of appearance): azure, after, structure, ruthless, dock, scarf, head, pull, eternity, sparkle[/center]
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Guest_ohsteve_*
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Aug 18 10, 18:36
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Guest
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JLY, not a very comforting outlook here, but gloom and doom seem to be the rage on every front page and web site I fear. I think I will borrow your words and see what I can come up with. Glad to at least see you writing again my friend.
take care Steve
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Aug 23 10, 17:38
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi JLY,
this poem makes me think of war from the perception of the vanquished. I think this is very creative, given the word list. I like dark poems just as darkness is a part of living. In this poem your images are very vivid to me. I not sure about the meter so I will leave that to less rusty hands. (smile)
my best,
Michelle
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Aug 29 10, 22:54
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Wow John, Although this is dark, it is also powerful. It brings the reader a moment of contemplation over hard truths. The title is a strong choice. On a dual level, it sets the core ingredient of the poets intent, while also offering some indication of outcome or closure. L1, in S1, is just enough to remind the reader of good times lost beneath the destruction and chaos of hate and war. A tinge- of the hope lost. It is what makes this poem strong - with narrators sense of doom. Some minor offerings to follow, please use what might be helpful to you and discard what isn't. Big Hugs Liz ... QUOTE EXTINGUISHED
Dawn's azure skies fade after a merciless raid. Hub's stately structure no longer a firm fixture.
Masked from reality by a radical depravity, ruthless people dock morality's time clock.
L2, perhaps - by radical depravity, and I thought "time' in L4 wasn't necessary - it might give a stronger punch as "morality's clock' ... to put more focus on morality while clock instills the intent of time.
Wearing scarves of black, they expend the attack; scowls on each grim head, fuel a sense of dread.
In S2, Perhaps something stronger than 'wearing' - another word that might enhance the image of intentionally masking one's face - a sense of hiding ... even as simple as 'wrapped in scarves of black' which also gives that nice sound with black. In L2, I would suggest 'they dispursed their attack;
Darkness pulls daylight, into a landscape of blight. Eternity's sparkle abates, as freedom deflates.
Maybe "Darkness draws daylight' Over all, I really like this poem and its sense of 'tell it like it is' voice. Hugs, Liz
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Aug 30 10, 15:49
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi John It's good to see you posting again. This is a dark, yet powerful poem. I have just a couple of suggestions fro this stanza. Masked from reality by [a] radical depravity, ruthless people dock morality's [time] clock. I feel that 'time' is redundant because its folloewd by clock. I also like Liz's suggestion of 'wrapped in scarves of black' Snow
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Guest_bombadil1247_*
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Sep 5 10, 06:13
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Guest
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Hi, JLY,
have commented on this over at Pandora's but just wanted to say again how much I admire your ability to produce such a strong piece from such tight restrictions as the ten word challenges. Jim
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